What 40+ Years Of Daily Meditation Has Taught Me

What really happens when you meditate every day for over 40 years? In this episode, Sahajananda—having maintained a daily meditation discipline since 1981—shares a rare, long-term perspective on spiritual practice.

We explore what changes over the decades, what remains constant, and what continues to surprise even after a lifetime of dedication. From the early years of practice under challenging conditions to guiding silent retreats around the world, his insights reveal the depth, patience, and subtlety of the inner path. They reveal a story of grace and surrender.

An honest and grounded reflection on meditation beyond trends, apps, and quick results.

Transcript

Sahajananda has been connected to meditation since 1982. He began in communist Romania, Practiced by himself, Then taught parapsychology at university and spent years in solitary cave retreats in the mountains. He just emerged now from three months in a complete darkness. This episode is the long view, Not of a personal story, But of a journey of exploration, Of surrendering, And of grace. This episode carries the intention to open perspectives to people looking to connect to meditation in their lives and to approach it with an open heart. Xà jiā. Hi. Thank you so much for joining us today. I know that this topic is a bit more of a challenging one. Have the intention to share about meditation and the long journey and exploration and journey of grace that it has been for you without making it something about your story and all the events that you experienced. So thank you for taking the challenge. Thank you for sharing yourself with us and for sharing those beautiful teachings also. Thank you, Thank you. Indeed, There is a challenge, Mainly for two reasons. Because I didn't see this, All these years, As a project to follow. So not like, You know, When you have a job and you want to progress. I didn't have a plan in that everything unfolded by itself. Know what is going to happen. So it was mostly a journey of grace, I would say, Now, Looking back. And then also, It is challenging because somehow it's not so easy to relate to that old person that I was in that time. So now it's like a different reconfiguration of being. Of course, When we look at our adolescence or childhood, We may see that it was different and we were thinking in a different way. But it's not this what I meant, Is that a sort of psychological connection with that was cut in a conscious way. So it's not cut in a radical way, But in a conscious way, A disidentification with that. So like saying goodbye to a very good friend or friend, Saying goodbye with that sense that you'll never see him or her, With a sense of gratitude and and spaciousness and detachment for that. So this is how. I relate to that, So in terms of memory, Yes, The memory is there, But the whole reasons that, Or the inner motivations that were in that time are so different from what is now. That's why it's, Yeah, It's not so easy to refer to that. But more than this, Now it's the first reason race unfolding, I would say it was more the protagonist of this journey, Looking back, Was not myself as a person, Because I honestly, I didn't know, Especially in that first period when I started and in that communist time when yoga was forbidden in Romania, There was no idea that I would even, You know, Travel or have yoga as a job or as a way of living or, You know, Not way of living, As teaching and sharing, How to say. So at that time there was nothing, Nothing like this. But indeed, Things change. And that brought me this faith in grace and a constant perseverance in no matter what circumstance. Also, It is something interesting about this. There were so many moments in my life in which I felt that It's so obvious, This grace, That I tried to somehow objectify that. So I was thinking, Is it coming from. . . Virgin Mary from Jesus Christ is the grace of Shambhala, Is the grace of Shiva. Is the grace of one of the cosmic wisdoms, Or what is that? I felt that that can be relevant because acknowledging the source of that grace, I would relate, I would be more open to that, And that devotional aspect would be more present. Now in yoga we speak about Ishtadevata, That particular divinity, While acknowledging the consciousness of oneness, Particular, Now like we would say in Christian, The guardian angel or so, Something that would accompany us. But then later I realized that not even this is relevant, Because what was the most important was not the face in which grace appeared, But its quality. So it was more about opening to that quality, How that intimacy, How that freedom, How that joy, How that touch of presence was there and guiding in all these years. And there is also something else. People tend to consider grace as something, And then it's my personal work. But I also feel that this separation is not really true, Because even in that so-called personal work, Grace is so much present. When, For example, We feel the need to drop the old habits, When we feel like suffocating ourselves in just old tendencies or living in compensations, When there is this longing for truth, That is touch of grace. So we may say, I need, Or this is my work, This is my work, I need to have my work, And then grace will come when it will come. But in that my work I can discover or we can realize that there are so many glimpses. And this is relevant because then you don't go with that sense, I am doing my work here, But it's grace moving. It's grace moving even in that, Even in this longing or even in this aspiration, Even in this wanting to come regularly to practice again every day. That is grace, That it's a glimpse that comes from the unknown, From the mystery of our being, Is not just my personal will to do that. So it was wisdom in everything. Indeed, First we may feel that we have some glimpses of grace, That grace comes from. . . Upward and then I got some glimpses, But then there is a sense that grace passes through us. It's like we are open to grace, Like we are a vessel through which grace manifests. But then even deeper in this consciousness of oneness, You realize that your heart is the source of grace. That grace is not something external or something you. . . Are far or you oppose to grace, You are that grace, Essentially. And again, The protagonist of all these years was not a person, But this grace moving, This grace moving. That's why, For example, When I started, Now I'm going to speak about this journey, And I was contemplating trying to present this in mostly three periods. A period of a beginning, With the whole unfolding there in the communist times, And also later, A period of more maturation of different experiences and more technical insights but then also the spiritual crisis and the transformation and then a stage of more maturation and stability. So. It started in the communist times in Romania when yoga was forbidden. It was the very year in which yoga got forbidden for some reason. The transcendental meditation forbidden and with that some people even went to jail and things like this. In that moment was a whole Uh. . . Sense of fear about yoga as opposing to the materialist doctrine. And then all the books were literally taken from yoga books from libraries and bookstores and so on. Yoga couldn't be practiced officially and so on. That. Automatically brought a sense of interest, To be honest. So it was that, You know, Rebellious young person who wanted to practice something which was forbidden in that time. And also, It was related to the fact that In that very beginning, As a. . . Student in university, I still carried a strong sense of competition and wanting excellence, So I wanted to. . . Have a sharp mind, Very good memory to focus. So, At least at the surface, These were the reasons. And indeed, I was able to remember. All the teachings to our class. So. . . To remember it, Then I realized if I can do this, What's the point of going to the class? But apart from this layer, It was also a calling for beauty and love and this Openness to love existed and was already mature to me. To my awareness since I was very young, I fell in love and I was with my. . . Partners in the age of 15. She is still teaching, Simona is teaching in Kamala. So we had that beautiful love story and trust and aspiration and we continue also unfolding this in yoga. So. . . The soul was open, And there were these values. There were just these two levels, A need to accomplish and to be very good in excellence, And then also these dimensions of the soul. And yoga, I would say, Yoga helped me to clarify the priority. I say yoga, Not to say grace again. So it was, You know, Through yoga that I realized that, Yes, This is so beautiful. It's such a special dimension. So how everything changed. In that time, It was Yoga seemed like a realm, A mythic realm. We couldn't go, We couldn't go out of the country, So we couldn't go to India or to see what is happening, So we were living in that bubble, Just reading some secret books and so on, And we would treasure every book so much, We would copy, As in the classical times with the indigo, Like we would write and copy five times or how many, You know, Us to distribute and offer to others. So that was the spirit there. And that we were some colleagues. I had even some colleagues from university, Very good friends. We were all dedicated, And we were very passionate, Passionate about this. And that made, Indeed, A beautiful start and inspiration and dedication. With that, Also, There was such a contrast between these genuine, Beautiful aspects of yoga in its authentic way, And then all that queer-minded approach and dogmatic approach. But as I said in the beginning, It was very much about mysteries and stories like this. So we were fascinated by paranormal powers, About, You know, Telepathy. We would, You know, If you practiced alasana, The palm tree pose, Then biomagnetic healing energies will come. So practice half an hour and you will have the capacity to heal. So we would practice half an hour of talasana or whatever nowadays or sharp intellect practicing halasana. And there was also a sort of beautiful competition with a friend of mine. He would stay in Shoulder stand, Two hours. It was in the very first year of yoga. I stayed two hours. He stayed two hours in shoulder stand for activating intuition and purity and artistic creativity. Then I stayed three hours in halasana, In the plow pose for focusing the mind and develop. So it was very much about, But it was not, It was very much friendship. The beautiful support in this, We were very much together in that journey. So yes, Somehow it was like that time was like that dynamic of an adolescent who is extreme, Is idealistic, Is excess projects about different things and sort of fascination for what is miraculous or special and so on. Also, A lot of purity, Innocence. Longing for truth and then Not yet. Very aware of that something essential of the heart. But it was a time of exploring different levels of consciousness. So I was not aware of the weakness of all these levels, But the world of chakras, For example, Was so fascinating. So meditating on chakras and what is this and how you feel every chakra. It was like a universe and entering this universe. The shift happened, For example, When I did the first Yoga Nidra, The Yoga of Conscious Sleep, Which was basically a relaxation, Listening to sounds of nature, Very soft, In which the body expanded. So it was very clear. Expansion of the body beyond the limits of the physical body and with this so much freedom and so much joy and so a sense that this is so real. Then I remember coming back from that class it was winter and cold but there was so much warmth and such a connection with the whole nature and with everything with the whole cosmos And that was, I would say, The most obvious moment in which yoga caught me. Like, It was very obvious. And indeed, In these times, Even though, Yes, You may imagine many ups and downs, There was never one day in which I felt that, Oh, To doubt or maybe I will not practice yoga or I will do something else or, Of course, Maybe, You know, In Hridaya we welcome Christianity or Sufism or different religions, But it was never an idea that, Oh, I will drop yoga as a container of this, As an openness to the very essence of our being. So that was a continuity, That trust and that aspiration, Which was shining. And then the first, You know, In that spirit of that fire and that impetus, I remember when I first learned about Trataka, Focusing on a candle flame. As a way of calming the mind. And I said, This is perfect. This is perfect because now my mind will be stabilized because I have just that flame. I couldn't wait. We didn't practice in that class. Again, The classes were hidden and things like this. I went home and then I look for a candle. I took the candle. It was already dark. So it's so simple. Me and then the flame here. I'm going to stay with a mind focus. And then looking after less than five minutes thoughts, And it was like, How is it possible? No, It's just this flame here. I'm supposed to focus on that flame and still thoughts are coming and still I'm taken by thoughts when it's so simple. It's just so obvious, Just this light. Later on, I realized that meditation is not just about having an object and then remaining in a passive state. The very nature of meditation is a constant reinforcing or reactivation of that attention. You come to that object again and again and again. So it's like flame and then flame. Again and again, Whenever the mind tends to drift, It's a reactivation of that. So that was, I would say, A first lesson of how to approach meditation. Then also with Nada Yoga, With this yoga of listening to subtle sounds, And that was a form of meditation that continued for me all these years. It's so beautiful because it's a noble awareness. Instead of focusing on just a common object, Consciousness expands. That sound doesn't have a particular source or a limit. It's just simply an invitation to expand. But still, There was a time in which I was expecting that that sound by itself will calm my mind or will bring a total peace. Quietness and I was like. . . I can hear the sound. And steel. My mind functions in the same way. What's the point or how should I approach? And then I realized that it's not just about perception, But is about the meaning of it. So that sense of sacredness and that sense of openness, That sound, So the meaning behind it, Exactly as Patanjali speaks about meditating on Aum by reflecting on its significance, Which is Ishvara, The Supreme. So it's not just about listening something or an object, But about that meaning of it. That was also something very beautiful and inspiring. Then also with this, For example, I was visiting art libraries. As I said, Yoga was not books on yoga, Not still meditation. We could find because they would just look on what is written yoga, But otherwise not. But I would go to to art libraries and then study all these attitudes of the statues in the temples, In the ancient Indian temples, Or the smile of Buddha, And just feeling that smile of Buddha. So these tiny things were so important in that time. And for example, Even in that situation when I went to that library, The secret services were following. For me. Us for following me. So I went there. I stayed five hours. I went outside and the people were still waiting to see what I am doing. So we were doing with a sense of, Yeah, It was a pressure. They knew about yoga and they wanted to stop. At that time, I thought that there are many such groups of yoga, Of people who do yoga. After revolution came, I realized that there were not. So, Yes, This was how was that time intense aspiration, But not yet grounded. Um. . . And then a fascination for states, I would meditate. With music meditations, And then exploring what is romantic love, Like listening to music and then feeling that state, Or angelic love, Or different such experiences, But not yet grounded in a witness or in an awareness. And then also the fasting came. I started fasting once per becoming vegetarian, Which in the communist time was not so simple and a lot of resistance. Distance and so on. Then fasting one day, Then two days, Then three days. Few years of three days of fasting every week without water, Which was quite extreme. But then I realized how, Yeah, Vitality is decreasing and then a need to be more cautious with the body. Many, Many such beautiful, Beautiful stories. The focus was mostly on Sahasrara as ways of as a way of transcending and detaching. But then I started also meditating on Shambhala, Yantra. Realm of now the purity in the Tibetan Buddhist tradition as a symbol of this realm of freedom and compassion. And it was indeed also in the communist times a beautiful metaphor like entering that realm of complete peace and harmony. And I would have that yantra on the ceiling and I would stay and meditate, Entering every day, Every night in sleep, Just thinking about that. Praying to Shambhala. Also many experiments like putting the bed, Sleeping with the legs upwards so that I can keep the awareness and activation of higher chakras and so on. Many, Many, Some silly things, But they were beautiful in all this aspiration and all this openness to the sacred. Even though sometimes they were just reflections, Not that core. And still, There was a beauty. And in this longing of truth, It was like almost a sense of chivalry. We were like, I fell like this. For example, I remember when I first heard about satya, About truthfulness. Ah, Truthfulness. And you should be truthful. And they said, Oh, This is so beautiful. So we learn, We were a group, Maybe 15 people at that time who were practicing. From now on, We are here saying only and only the truth. It's only about saying the truth. It's so beautiful because then I can communicate and I know that we are speaking only truth. And it's not about no stories or just the truth, Just the truth. I realized that it's not so easy, And people are not. But it was this sense of idealism and this aspiration that was there, Which honestly continues. And I try to induce also in students in Judea this longing for truthfulness and all these beautiful values. Also. . . There was, In that time, I remember, An experience in which, I mean, In the nights I would become sleepy. And that didn't correspond with my fire. So I was very frustrated. How is it possible not to stay in meditation without nodding? And it was like this, And I said, It doesn't make sense to continue meditation in this way. And I would continue, And I would continue. But then I realized that. . . In the time of death. You may not have a perfect physical body and a perfect vitality to stay with the back straight and so on. And I realized that this is not the attitude, That preparation in front of death is not just a way of, From the ego, From the person confronting or dealing with such states of consciousness. And then with this was learning how while the body relaxes and even the body falls asleep, There is a way of staying in that presence and awareness. Maybe that was the first way in which I started acknowledging that deeper dimension, That pure awareness there that exists. Beyond just the wakefulness state and the whole movements of that. Is that also the moment that the observation of the witness started to come to you? Yes, Yes. So it was a subtle openness to that witness, To that stillness of being. Yes, Yes. So this was the, The. Period, The first period, In which there was a lot of intensity, But not yet surrender. Sometimes it was maybe quite the opposite with a sense of power. It was in the school itself, In my school, Was a sense of fascination for paranormal powers and so on. So I realized that, Yes, Intensity can bring a sense of trust in yourself, But not so much surrender. So I learned also about this and that spirituality can be can remain still mixed with a sort of spiritual ambition or whatever and a sense of identity and comparing and so on. So that not every subtle experience in itself wisdom and brings wisdom and not necessarily all such states will transform the ego. So this was the first period which. . . Extended, I would say, A little bit after, Even after the communist regime fell. There were huge external changes, And there were also some inner transformations with all this, With the revolution that came in the beginning of 1990 in Romania. In this second part. . . Many, Many things happened because we were kind of prepared to teach in kind of because, As I said, This sense of power was still there and so on. But in terms of technicality and practice and maturity of experiences, That was there. So we started. And then in this time, More and more what unfolded was this openness to astral projections and inspiration, Especially guided by this communion with Shambhala. In this period, Slowly, Slowly. . . My teacher got caught more and more in a search for power or. . . Mmm. Yeah, This sort of ambition and sex and money. So it was a subtle, More and more disappointment. Experiences, For example, Astral projection, I realize now that there were a sort of escapism. There were a sort of me relying in that. It was relying in that and also in tapas. So I would practice like intense, I would have intense yoga practice. And there were times in which that was the only thing I would somehow trust, Not the practice in itself, But all that fire that it brings. Um. . . And, You know, Things are always mixed and are confusing because, Yes, Through this teacher I learned about Shambhala, And I learned about. . . So I was opening to that, But then I could see. Some things which were not okay and not aligned. But anyhow, The astral projections were imagined like you would go in the most beautiful dream, But in a conscious way. That you open and then there you meditate or you'll be, Yeah, You'll exist and open to that realm or knowledge will come related to that. And it was not just imagination because I would say this was what guided me to the cave retreats. So the first cave retreat It was an inspiration, Which I felt from Shambhala, To go in a cave. I didn't know that cave. I wasn't there. I was just told to go. There is a place there in the mountains. So I went there and I stayed for three days. That was my first cave retreat. It was interesting that I entered there and immediately after that, In less than half an hour, A monk came with somebody else and explained that at the bottom of the cave there is a spring of water which is holy and it's the Virgin Mary who offer is the healing. I thought that there is no water, So I'm supposed to go out of the cave. But that was like an information that was given. And then from that moment, No one entered in the cave for all these three days. So I remained there and it was like an openness. I was meditating and then like a well and then seeing beings here looking and then like a shift in that realm of the Shambhala and then teachings about how that realm is. And then I try to cut it. To note, To write a journal about this. And then some things were forgotten. And again I entered, And again I was told exactly what I'd forgotten. So it was very beautiful. And that was the first experience of three days. Later on, Such retreats in caves appear, Experiences appear. But I would like to also emphasize the fact that in that time I had no model. It was the feeling that it was a path that was opening. I didn't know about these formal retreats like Goenka retreat. So what I knew was that, Yes, People, Monks, Would leave the monastery and go in solitary retreats. But that was different, Because that was happening in a structure, That all this experience was held by that monastery or in that structure. And then it was somehow renouncing in an established form. You give up everything. You are a monk, And it's over. But for me, It was not like this. A yoga teacher, I was teaching yoga, But then in the summer times especially, I would have, You know, One month. To go or. . . So to go in such a retreat, And then what? I mean, It was that time, But then everything else would continue. Relationships and everything. So many questions and challenges. Of course, Not wanting to go in the old patterns, But then how? And so on. So it was like a sense of solitude even. Even in the sense that it's like you want to drop all the old aspects, But then you don't know what is there in that new realm of spiritual. Dropping of everything. And then it was, Just briefly, There was a retreat in which I experienced agony and ecstasy. So they were states of samadhi, Beautiful experiences, Light and ecstasy, And then at night I could feel the intensity, The intensity of this inner world. I didn't know at that time, I didn't know about witnessing. In Shridaya, We have this statement, Don't dramatize. It was in that time that I came with this, Because I started hearing sounds in my head, Not only sounds, But a clear voice which would say, Do this, Do that. It will rain in half an hour, And in half an hour. . . Understood how a person can go in madness or in kind of psychotic episode with such things. But there was, Again, Grace. Allowed me to keep always a distance. Okay, This is what my thoughts say, But I would witness. I will do this for a while, But now I don't. And then it was like an anger, No, Do this, Do this. It was like imposing. And I was, No. And they were still confused. Maybe it's a master who is, Like, In a wrathful way expressing the. . . But still, I had that intuition that always I should rely on that witness. And in that time, I realized that even with sometimes, I mean, In the Oriental tradition is very clear, Witness, I mean, Non-reactivity to thoughts, But in Christianity sometimes, We may hear that the monk was struggling and fighting with the demon all night long and fighting and hitting the demon and so on. And with all respect. Still, That is dramatizing. It is very much dramatizing. Not that it's not possible, Not that such a phenomenon doesn't exist, But it's about learning to witness, Not to fight. No matter what experience or phenomenon, No matter how much that will externalize, It's not about fighting that, But witnessing. So this was that. In that first retreat, As I said, I mean first longer retreat, I sleep on leaves. I was eating only peanuts. Years, I couldn't eat peanuts anymore. So this was that first longer retreat. Then I did a 49-day retreat later next year. And then so many revelations regarding nature. I remember meditating. It was my birthday, And I was there alone. But still some sounds were heard in the in nature, And a sense of feeling uncomfortable. Maybe it's an animal, What it's doing, And constantly noise, Constantly noise. At night meditating. Then I realized that the noise was coming from behind, I was in front of the cave, Was from inside the cave were just drops of water coming. But that was a metaphor. So the back of the key, I mean, The back was like my inner world, And then I projected outside that noise or that. So it was like. . . No, It's in me, That fear. And that was such a shift that from that moment. . . I never felt. Fear, Being in nature. And on the contrary, Such a gift, There was this sense of there is such a gift to be in that solitude there. And then sometimes when it would rain, I would smell the fur of the animals wanting to come to the cave. Most probably they would stay in the cave. And I would invite them not to be afraid. Or sometimes I would hear a hunter come, Like a sound, Oh, It's men who are here. It was a sense of being as a protector of nature. Also, It was one evening, It was raining, So I went back, At that time I already had a tent, So I went in the tent. Just prepare to go to sleep. And while I was just still meditating, I saw a light. Through the tent. So I said, The tent was quite in the middle, I mean inside the cave. So I said, Someone with a flashlight is coming. They got lost, So now I will need to accommodate them, But that's it if people need this. But then I, So I went out and I saw that was the sun. It was the sunset, Like the last rays of sunset, Calling me. And you know that contrast which comes after a storm in which the leaves are shining, That green shining and colors and clouds was the most beautiful sunset I ever saw and with this many rows of mountains. And I was just there and all this display of beauty and the sense that it's just one conscious being. Acknowledging that, And again, This sense of gratitude. And many, Many, Many such little stories, I can go and speak with many such ways. In other retreat, The whole topic was about death. And being there, It was a place where also vipers were, So snakes. And I thought, Well, If I think constantly on death, Of mind I will attract so that they will come. And they say, No, Doesn't matter. I will continue evoking death. If it's meant to happen even physically, Let it be. " So that was always an invitation constantly to surrender, To surrender more. And then it was in another retreat, A 30-day retreat, After many such retreats, A few such retreats, In day four was a radical shift. Mind stopped. And. Just. . . A dissolution. It was an ecstatic dissolution. A total transparency, I was not anymore existing as a person, And that continued. So it continued all that retreat. So there was no need to eat. There was sleeping would happen, But still with a continuity of that. And I would wake up and again that transparency, The wind would come, The wind. Was and passing through this body. Like a transparent body. Everything, There was so much love and then the moon with this nectar and I could feel the nectar of the moon and I could feel the moon inside me and so everything was so, So intimate. And. . . This came, This was the time when I started self-inquiry. So till that time, In different retreats, It was not just self-inquiry. There were different meditations and yes, I was in the first retreats, I remember bringing the picture of Babaji and But from that time on was so much this self-inquiry, This self-awareness, So powerfully that after that When I left that retreat, I mean, Even in the night, There were also many miracles happening. The birds would come to me in the night. I would meditate and the birds will wake up, I don't know why, And come and hit me and fall. Hit me and fall. And I was meditating and the birds would touch me. And many things which I would not explain. Logically. And after that, It was, I cut every teachings about, I couldn't teach anymore about, You know, Paranormal powers or astral projections, Even the connection with Shambhala. I felt that I dropped it. So all that was, You know, The passion for all this disappeared. Like I cannot. Act, Focus on an asana, Unless it's about self-remembrance, Even about the cosmic wisdoms, Yes, They are divine because they are a reflection of the self. Otherwise, Nothing, Nothing would be. It was still a sort of dualistic vision in the sense that it was only the self, A sort of netty-netty, Not this, Not that, Just the essence. I feel that that was supporting and stabilizing this love for the heart and this intuition. But apart from this, Of course, There were many other aspects, Because speaking about the spiritual journey is not just about meditation. There was karma yoga, There was dedication as a teacher was teaching. It was an enormous request for yoga in that time after communists fell and so much passion. There were thousands of students coming. They wouldn't go to their classes, But they would go to lectures about Yoga Sutra of Patanjali. We would head in the house of students, There were thousands of people. But then they would say, What are you doing here? So it was, It was a thirst and I wanted to honor that. And I remember one night coming after a full Sunday starting, Usually it would start at 7 a. M. And then I would go till 11 p. M. Just class after class and staying with students and speaking. It was this realization, This life doesn't belong to me. This life doesn't belong to me. It's just life in service. So many, Many such moments. Which are part of the journey. We tend to consider that realization is just that moment or just that special experience, But it's not. It's not just about fireworks on the sky of consciousness. It's very much about building up this fire that is there all the time, Not just a passing. We want the summit, To touch that summit, But then with all this is like you learn how to breathe at that altitude. Because otherwise you may not have the ability to do that. So this about that stage of a total karma yoga renunciation. Now I was living in an ashram, Serving, Teaching, Creating courses, Guiding or leading a publishing house, Publishing three magazines, Since every month books translated, Because in Romania there were not books on spirituality. I translated the first book in Romanian, First book about Ramana Maharshi. And so it is a joy of sharing. And Shankaracharya, Viveka Chudamani, And many other texts as the first texts of this great Advaita Vedanta teachings in Romania. So it was a time of a whole dedication and passion serving in this way with a sense of Now. No, The spirit of Karma Yoga. For example, I didn't have a bank account. I was living. Of course, I didn't have time even to take a driver's license. So there was a driver who would take me in. But apart from this, I didn't have money. I would receive just $100. I asked this. I don't want more. People who would work in the publishing house would get much more. But for me, It was $100. Per month, Which was not enough. In that time, In those many years, I never went to a restaurant. I didn't go to a restaurant. It's also maybe Romanian mentality of that time. But no, I didn't have a bank account. So I was just living in that total transparency of dedication, Thinking about God, Or opening to that. But then, Yes, To come to the, Then the third stage was a stage in which I realized that By being in the school, Some people were definitely inspired by my presence as well and by many others. And that was not OK because I felt that the direction of the school was not going in a good way. So then I stepped back, And that allowed me to just come and to re-evaluate some and some things. Again, So much grace, So much grace in all this. We don't have time to say how that was, But in the very moment, In the same moment in which I left that official declaration that I leave the school, I got a phone and a friend of mine invited me in Thailand to start giving silent retreats. So in that very moment, About all this and so on. So many synchronicities and many beautiful moments flow and with that was more orientation towards that sense of stillness, Cultivating humbleness. It was even a very good lesson what not to do, Seeing what happened in that school, What is definitely not something to do. To do. But it was also something interesting which. . . Can be for all of us a good lesson that grace doesn't necessarily unfolds and tells us what is going to be the future, It asks just for the trust to make that next step. So you don't know, But you are invited. You take the step with faith. That requires a faith. Yes, I'm going with all my heart, With a purity of intention to that. I go into that. And then. . . Further, Things will change. It's not that I stated I will see the whole picture and what is going to happen. Yes, This is how was the whole dynamic. Transformation, The attitude, The new attitude in hatha yoga, Not about pushing but about inviting and this non-dual vision, How can be just a continuation in hatha yoga as well and how to act from that stillness, How to remain into that stabilization and yes, What would you, After such a long time and exploration also with yourself, What would you share today to a person that feels appealed to meditation but starts with those statements, I cannot meditate. I cannot meditate or I don't know how to start. What would you share? Yeah, It's very much not touching what I just mentioned. Because all these are just thoughts, Are just ideas. I cannot meditate. It happens also in retreat. People come to such doubts when we are in retreats and we meditate. And I just. . . Tell them it's just an idea. You may say meditation is not for me, Or I cannot meditate. Where I feel like leaving, And still you remain another five minutes. And then. . . Something happens and maybe the most beautiful experience you ever had. And then that thought, I cannot meditate, Was true? You realize that not. And then you realize that you don't need to believe all such thoughts that come. To your mind. But then you can use. Thoughts in a. . . Useful way or in a uplifting way. I remember after such a retreat, A woman shared, She said, A retreat is so beautiful, I will stay in a retreat forever. And that was also an idea. It was definitely not in an absolute sense, Because if I would say to her, Oh, OK, Then I will put you in a retriever, She may say, Oh, Sahaja, Maybe this was a metaphor. But living with that thought or with that idea, Even if you don't identify with it, But it's an uplifting idea. So instead of, I cannot, When a thought comes, I cannot, And I stay here. I can meditate forever. It's relative, It's not the absolute, But it's a way of smiling inside and looking at that previous thought as irrelevant. So it's very much about learning to smile at our thoughts and our opinions about what meditation is, Because at least this was what was so obvious in my life. I didn't really know. What is going to happen. I was taken by that. Don't come with expectations. Don't come with preconceived ideas. Because meditation is not about a quick fix. It's not about just having a state of peace or calming your agitated mind. Essentially. . . Is a commitment to truth, To beauty. To eternity, And then it's even more than a commitment. You realize that it moves from that sense of a sort of a decision to just a sense of… adoration or a joy, A joy of being with yourself. So what can be more beautiful than loving yourself? Meditation not as an effort. Not as an effort. Meditation is not an effort, Really, When you realize it's just a way of honoring the depth, Discovering this depth of your being and the beauty of your being. And then, Of course, When we speak about this being, We refer to the psyche domain, In which we have traumas or tensions. And that will be purified, That can be purified. And many traditions speak about this purification. Not just by your will, But again, The healer is that spiritual heart, That essence. And then. . . Things slowly, Slowly transform. You can transform your heart. Your soul. In a garden of paradise. You can transform and you can make your soul of paradise. And no one can do this but you. It's your responsibility. To do that. To open to that. Thank you so much for sharing such a beauty. Sahaja, Is there a last invitation, A last question or element that you would like to invite our audience to contemplate on? Yes, CS. We were speaking. Life is. Not just about a person. It's an invitation to allow in our life more grace to flow. And then. And now when you look. . . For many people, There is this sense of, Yeah, It's a peace and a sense of gratitude. And we have the tendency to. . . Kind of appropriate this gratitude, A sense of that. So I'm looking at myself, What achievements happen, And so on. So I'm grateful, I'm grateful for my life, But it's like this gratitude reinforces in a subtle way this. Person is me, How special I am, Or how special my life is, Or how satisfied I am grateful because look what I achieved. Well, Gratitude should be oriented to this grace. So it's a different quality in which you don't look. At this as an achievement. But as this. Grace moving through you. And then you honor that very quality that awakens you, That very quality that makes you long, That very quality that even in difficult moments, Because speaking about grace is not just about an idealistic thing and that everything is grace. Yes, We can go in a lot of ego stories and delusion, But even then, That calling back home, That sense of I raise and I shake myself and then the commitment to drop that attachment, That addiction, That fear, That is grace. So looking at all that and honoring that as grace, Not as a compliment for our personality, But for that essence is another way to connect to who we are. The gratitude for who we are for that. Thank you, Sahaja. Thank you so much for your shares and sharing yourself and your teachings with us today. Thank you.