Letting go.
All the way from,
‘Into the 'Great Beyond'’,
to, even, simply allowing the simplest things to leave existence...
...I struggle. Like we all do. It's natural.
I have worked on this concept extensively my entire life. However, it always continues to elude me.
I have often felt that I fully lack the capability and capacity to 'let go'.
I hoard. I keep. I save. It's always 'just in case'. Always.
Today's troubles are no different. This moment's trouble is no different.
However, after this medication, I do feel lighter.
I don't know if anything will be different, aside from the person I'm thinking about now — my reasoning for doing this meditation.
Margaret.
Mom-in-Law.
‘Momgret’.
My (ex)partner of 15 years, may be losing his Mom tonight.
It's been nearly 10 months since I last saw her.
It's been nearly 6 months since I've last seen him.
I try not to feel. I'm always trying not to feel.
I've already lost my Auntie Trish this year, in March. She .. was .. a big deal in my family. One of the Elders, the Matriarchs.. our own...
I miss her. I never got to feel like I completely got to say goodbye before.
Neither did her daughter, my Cousin.
I never got to feel like I did what I needed to.
I never got to do a ritual.
I never got to feel like I could speak with my Gramma, my Auntie Trish's sister, about it.
I was so scared.
I still am.
I didn't cut my hair. I don't feel like I properly honored my Auntie Trish.
I cried, I sewed, I burnt my sage, I spoke to her, I felt her with me, fleetingly, and I felt some relief.
I went into nature, to feel more connection. I went into hiding, to feel safe in my thoughts, I felt her with me, fleetingly, and I felt some relief.
I carry on with life, I keep her in my thoughts, I feel her with me, fleetingly, and I feel some relief.
This was my first experience losing a loved one, since my birth, 29 years ago.
Now, I may very well face the abyss as in takes in another loved one.
I'm so scared. I feel my bones dragging themselves down, pulling me to the ground and below. I feel the weight.
However, after this medication, I do feel lighter. Even if only slightly.. it helped.
I am choosing to carry on.
Goodnight.
Sincerely,
Sebastián Noá.
Thursday,
July 9, 2026,
@ 6:28am.