Hello and a very big welcome.
Today is all about stuckness.
All such a great topic really for us to work through.
And today is going to be about a transformation.
And first of all,
We need to understand that stuckness has nothing to do with laziness.
It's actually a sign of intelligence.
Who knew?
My name is Francesca Louise.
I'm very excited to be here today with this particular transformation topic because it's one that sits very close to my own heart I struggled with this for many,
Many years,
But I have many clients who also struggle in this area.
And so I thought it would be a great idea to bring this out into the open to have a conversation around some of the misnomers around stuck and what we can do to move through this process.
And before we go anywhere else,
I need to really make clear that your stuckness is in no way,
Shape or form evidence that anything in you is broken.
It really is much more evidence that some part of you learnt very early on in life that staying still was safer than moving forward.
And that part of you was right at that time.
This course is about what becomes possible when you finally feel safe enough to move on,
Here right now as an adult where of course the parameters around safety have very much changed.
So a very,
Very big welcome.
And if you're feeling stuck,
My heart goes out to you because I know how frustrating it can feel.
But if it's brought you here to listen to this right now,
Then that's a wonderful thing because you're about to find out how to unlock this area and how to speak with it,
Perhaps in a different tone than you've done so before.
And if you're here,
The chances are that you've tried a lot of things in the past to move through stuckness.
You've perhaps read books and done courses,
Meditated on it,
Got more disciplined with yourself,
Tried to push yourself harder,
Or you've made 1,
001 different excuses as to why you can't move in a certain direction.
Yes,
I've been there,
Had done that.
And you've probably had many a conversation with yourself.
Middle of the night,
Early morning,
In the shower,
Whilst cooking,
Whilst driving,
Wherever you could,
To try and break through the frustration that you're feeling inside.
And you may even have called yourself lazy,
Or maybe somebody else has called you lazy.
My goodness,
The things that we say to each other.
And you may have wondered in those quieter moments,
What's wrong with me?
And the great news is,
First and foremost,
That nothing is wrong with you.
At all.
Feeling stuck is one of the most common scenarios that people struggle with.
But something is going on,
Isn't it?
And it has very little to do with motivation,
Discipline or willpower,
As I'm sure you can probably feel inside of you.
What's actually going on here lives much deeper than those surface behaviours.
It lives deep in your nervous system.
A signal that is saying it's not safe for me to move.
And that signal was embedded at some point whilst your nervous system was developing.
And for that,
We need to go back into childhood.
And so during our session today,
During this particular talk,
We're not going to be looking at strategies and we're not looking at systems.
And we're not looking at creating some kind of morning routine to move you through stuckness.
We're going to be going deeper than that.
Because most of the things that I see around stuckness and procrastination focus on these as being a mindset issue,
Change your thoughts,
Change your life kind of thing.
And other aspects talk about stuckness as being a productivity problem.
If you had better systems and better habits and better planning,
You wouldn't feel stuck and you wouldn't procrastinate.
But I'm not coming from either of those angles,
Because in my experience as a coach for over 20 years,
And I've worked with thousands of people in that time,
Stuckness is almost never a thinking problem,
And it's almost never a planning problem.
Stuckness is a body issue.
And nervous system issues.
A safety issue.
And until we work on things at that level.
Nothing will really shift long term.
You may get a burst of momentum,
Have a good week and a great new plan and motivation.
But then you revert back.
Something happens.
Or nothing happens and you're right back where you started.
Does that sound familiar?
You're right back feeling stuck.
So let's start with this idea that I really,
Really love around stuckness being intelligence.
How do I come to this conclusion?
Well,
Actually,
It's very simple.
Because over the last couple of years,
My work has moved from being very mind focused to being rather body focused,
Nervous system focused.
And as I was going into that work,
I was just amazed.
I was amazed at the intelligence of our nervous system.
Because our nervous system has one primary job.
And it's been doing that job since before we were actually born.
And that job is to keep us safe.
Not happy or fulfilled or successful,
None of that.
Just safe.
And at some point in your life,
Perhaps in those first seven years of life.
It may have been a single relationship to a caregiver.
Or it may have just been a mood in the home.
Your nervous system learned that moving forward came with risks.
That being visible was dangerous,
That trying and failing was worse than not trying at all.
You learn to fear trying new things.
Or you learn to fear not doing certain things.
Either way you learn that staying small,
Staying still,
Not growing,
Not pushing back against the system,
Staying under the radar,
You learned that that was how you stayed safe.
And this doesn't have to be a reflection of a highly traumatic childhood.
This could have been a very subtle sense in the home or in schooling.
That it was safer for us to stay still.
Not stand out,
Not grow,
Not progress.
And that lesson.
Will have been correct at the time.
We do not need to debate that and we do not need to go back and truly understand exactly what moment things might have happened.
We just need to trust.
That if we are sitting in a place right now in our life,
Or perhaps for all of our remembered life,
We've struggled with stuckness,
We can make a very safe assumption that at some point our nervous system learnt that to be a safe place for us.
And so there is that intelligence part.
Our nervous system was doing exactly what it was designed to do.
And so the only problem around that,
Really,
Is that the lesson got stored as a permanent rule.
And the nervous system,
Of course,
Was wired at a time very early on in our childhoods.
And now,
Decades later,
Every time you try to move towards something that matters to you consciously,
A new project,
A conversation,
A change,
A date,
A dream,
A relationship,
Your nervous system fires the same alarm that it did years ago.
Danger!
Danger!
Stay still!
Stand still!
Do not move!
Isn't that amazing?
It's almost fun,
Would you agree?
And it doesn't feel fun when we're in it.
Because it's felt a stuckness.
Part of me wants to run forward but another part is holding me back.
We have the accelerator and the brake and our feet are down on both of them.
This is often sensed by people as a heaviness in the legs.
In fact,
Many people who deal with stuckness have quite proportionately stronger legs.
Very interesting,
And we sense within us an inability to move forward.
Some of us have a tightening of the throat around stuckness.
Because it's our voice that's gone quiet,
That stops asking,
That stops saying the thing we want to say.
So let me invite you now.
To do something.
Not to think about your stuckness,
But we're just going to locate it.
And before we begin,
As always with me,
Let's take a big deep breath into the diaphragm.
And bring to mind something you have been stuck on.
As you exhale.
And take another lovely big deep breath in and then out.
And just keep in mind something you know you want to do,
But you keep not doing it.
Just bring that to mind and hold it gently in your awareness.
Now,
Without trying to fix anything or figure anything out,
Just notice where you feel it in your body.
Is there perhaps a heaviness in your legs?
A leaden quality,
As though your feet simply will not carry you forward.
Or is there a constriction in your throat,
That familiar tightening where the words stop,
Where the ask does not come,
Where you go quiet rather than speak?
Just notice.
Or are you being drawn to a totally different part of the body where stuckness may sit for you?
There's no right or wrong answer here.
And we don't need to do anything.
Because we're just making contact.
With our body.
And with the places of stuckness.
May be living.
And so any sensation that you are aware of in the body.
Is wonderful and informative.
There's no weakness to stuckness.
Let's be really clear on that.
It's information.
And it's your nervous system communicating with you.
And once we learn to listen to it differently.
Everything changes.
And we can make choices.
But let's look first at what's happening inside of us,
Physiologically,
When we get stuck.
Because understanding that has a way of dissolving a lot of the shame around it.
And that part is a mental part.
You've probably heard of the fight or flight response in the nervous system.
Most people have heard something about it.
But there's a third response that doesn't get talked about nearly as much.
And I think it's probably the most relevant for this particular topic.
And that is the freeze response.
Because if I try and escape the flight.
.
.
Or I try and fight,
As in the fight response,
And those two things don't work,
I will freeze.
And from the outside,
And often from the inside too,
It can look remarkably like I don't want to do something.
And that's where the laziness title can sometimes get confused.
But if my nervous system perceives a threat and calculates that fighting or fleeing are not possible or safe,
I will simply shut down and freeze.
That conserves energy.
I will go still.
And just as we see animals in the wild,
I will kind of hope I won't be noticed.
My heart rate slows down.
And the world goes slightly flat.
I know I should be doing something and I want to be doing it,
But I can't make myself do it.
And you sit with the weight of not doing it pressing down on you.
Or pressing you in from the sides.
And somehow that makes it all even harder.
Does that sound familiar to you?
Because if it does,
It's not a character flaw.
This is a biological response.
Your body went into freeze at some point because some part of it assessed the situation as threatening.
And this is not happening now in the moment.
Whatever's going on in your life.
Is linking into a stress response that was created in childhood.
The threat might have been failure,
Or success,
Or visibility,
Or judgment,
Or the possibility of getting things wrong and being punished.
But something has triggered the alarm.
And our body responded the only way it knew how to do and this all happens.
In those first seven years of life.
There are a few exceptions to that rule,
But 99% of the time that's where all of this is going on.
And so there's a very big difference between lazy and frozen.
Because lazy feels quite light,
If we're honest.
A person who's lazy isn't in pain about not doing the thing.
And that's really key.
Because feeling frozen feels awful.
Because life is limited in the frozenness.
Frozen is accompanied by self-recrimination,
By a leaden quality in the legs often that makes even beginning feel impossible,
By a tightening in the throat or elsewhere in the body.
There's a constant low hum of something not being right.
So if you're in pain about your stuckness,
If you're frustrated by it,
And I suspect you are or you wouldn't be here,
Know that you are not lazy.
You're simply frozen.
And frozen people need safety,
Not motivation,
To thaw.
And to be clear,
You don't need to stay frozen forever,
Because now that you understand what your nervous system is doing,
Now we can start the journey of bringing the thaw in.
But safety has to come before everything else.
Because there's a very big push in the coaching world.
On mindset and taking action.
But all of that will be short-lived.
If we can't also embrace safety.
So we're not going to be pushing through stuckness and I'm not going to be making things about accountability or more urgency and to push ourselves,
More reasons why you need to change.
No,
Not at all.
Change that lasts,
Genuine,
Sustainable,
Embodied change does not come from being pushed.
It comes from feeling safe enough to move gently,
But ultimately safe enough to be me.
So let's think about this in your own experience for a moment.
When have you moved most freely?
Physically and mentally,
Emotionally.
When have you taken risk,
Made that call or started something new?
Because in all likelihood you did so when something in you felt settled.
An inner knowing that it was right for you,
Authentic.
You perhaps felt supported.
Safe enough.
And maybe you don't remember many such episodes.
That's okay.
Because perhaps the bigger question here is,
When in your life have you felt the most stuck or frozen?
What situations are there that hold you in that place?
Where you may feel overwhelmed or too exposed,
Or somehow you find the decision threatening.
So our work today has nothing to do with pushing,
Which is a huge relief,
I'm sure,
To many of you,
Because with stuckness,
We tend to feel we need to push ourselves.
And maybe that's what we were told growing up.
I know I was.
Our work in life really is to create enough safety.
That we don't need to freeze anymore.
We want to create a bigger window of tolerance for our nervous system.
Which is all about creating belief in ourselves and ultimately a deeper connection to ourselves.
And that,
Believe it or not,
Starts in the body.
So I invite you now to take one hand,
Please.
Sit comfortably somewhere and just take one hand and place it gently on your throat.
And feel your feet flat on the floor for grounding.
Let the ground hold you as it always does the power of gravity And let's take a nice big deep breath here.
I like to breathe in through the nose,
Deep into the diaphragm.
And then exhale through the mouth as if I'm blowing out a candle so that my exhale is a little bit longer than my inhale.
With that breath I'm bringing relaxation deeply into the body.
And as you do a few more of those breaths,
Just keep your hand gently on your throat area.
And just notice feelings that may come up or move through you as you do so.
And just continue breathing for a few breaths.
And when you're ready,
Just notice what has shifted.
Did you notice any softening in the throat area?
Or any sense of weight.
Through your feet or a different sensation throughout any part of the body.
Because as you placed your hand on your throat,
You connected to your truth.
And you gave a signal to say I'm here.
And we're safe.
And although the activity is very simple,
Is also incredibly powerful.
And the more we can bring such messages into the nervous system.
Along the lines of right now,
In this moment,
I am safe to be here.
The more we will breathe new life into any part of us that has felt frozen.
Or that may feel challenges.
As we go through our daily life.
And you may have noticed as you sat with your hand on your throat,
You can now,
By the way,
Please feel free to put it on your lap,
But you may have noticed as you brought focus to that area,
That a certain thought came up of something that you want to express.
And just notice that.
Because today is not about acting on anything,
But it is about reconnecting and observing.
And as with so much of my work,
Curiosity is the key.
So let's just get curious,
Not judgmental in any way,
Just beautifully curious.
And an interesting question for us perhaps here.
Is to ask our body for information.
On what are you protecting me from?
Is it protecting me from possible failure?
The pain of trying and things not working.
Or maybe I'm protecting myself from success,
From the amazing visibility that that would bring and the exposure.
And maybe the stuckness is protecting me from having to change and leave an old identity behind me.
A relationship.
Or the entire way I've set up my life.
To leave an identity behind,
That's quite big.
But whatever my stuckness is protecting me from,
Maybe a misguided,
Outdated perception of the world.
But it is acting out of love.
So you may well be wondering by now,
Well,
How on earth am I going to make real change?
The version of me that you're getting today is no longer about massive action.
I had my day with massive action.
I've learnt over many years that small consistent steps are the way to create lasting change.
So we're not going to be writing plans or doing anything dramatic in terms of pushing through.
We're going to be doing something much smaller and actually much more powerful.
Because our nervous system is unlikely to respond well to enormous leaps.
Enormous leaps trigger the alarm for somebody who doesn't feel safe in their nervous system.
What our nervous system is likely to respond very well to is small repetition,
Safe movements,
Tiny steps that gradually teach it,
This is okay.
This is survivable.
I can move and still be safe.
This is actually,
Gosh,
This is amazing.
So please think about this a bit more like building a neural pathway.
You're not bulldozing the old one out and rebuilding something new on that spot that's going to go flying up into the sky.
That will take huge energy and usually collapses because we forget something in the fundament when we work at such speed.
You're quietly,
Consistently going to be walking a new path until the path feels so beautifully familiar.
That we get playful on that path.
Until it becomes the one your nervous system reaches for.
The safe,
Joyful,
Creative,
Fun-loving path.
Wouldn't it be wonderful?
To have lots of those going on inside of us,
All just feel beautifully safe.
Because we've created them.
And we're protecting them.
So I invite you now to bring back to mind the thing that you were thinking of earlier that you're stuck on.
And just hold it in your mind,
An area that's kept you stuck.
And now instead of asking yourself,
What should I do?
Ask your body this question,
Please.
What is the smallest possible movement towards this question or this topic that would feel safe?
Not exciting or effective or impressive,
Just safe.
Maybe you need to write something down or make one phone call or send a message.
And maybe you simply need to sit with an intention for a few minutes without doing anything at all.
But just notice what your body responds to.
Not what your mind thinks you should do.
But what your body actually relaxes around.
Because sitting with this until the body finds its relaxation point is where the magic sits.
And although this may feel like a very small step,
It's a very powerful one because we have just begun a dialogue with our nervous system.
Not to be acting in spite of it.
But to be asking it for guidance as to what feels safe now.
That's a very different conversation to the one that most of us normally have.
If we have one at all.
You are now showing your nervous system that we're going to be doing things a bit differently from now on.
I'm not going to be pushing through your fear or resistance Together we're going to be moving into.
.
.
And creating.
Safety.
So what have we learned about stuckness in this short talk?
Well,
The first thing is stuckness,
It's not laziness.
It is your very intelligent nervous system doing its job brilliantly.
It's really important that we can welcome that in.
The state of freeze is a biological response to perceived threat.
It's not a character flaw.
And it was learned in our earliest years.
The more compassion we can bring in.
The more open we will feel.
To move forward and reconnect with ourselves.
Change with this topic around stuckness does not come from being pushed,
Not if you want something long term.
Change will come through consistent,
Loving connection and conversation where I allow my nervous system to participate in what feels safe enough for me to do next.
And that's how bit by bit.
I open the window of tolerance.
And I allow enough safety in.
That I can move more and more freely.
The work begins in the body always.
And that for some of us is a bit of a game changer.
We don't need to learn a new concept,
A new book,
A new theory.
We don't need to analyse more and think more.
We just need to come home.
Back into the body.
And spend some time on that relationship.
Small safe movements will build new neural pathways more powerfully than enormous forced leaps.
And so please welcome in the idea that your stuckness was never really a problem per se.
It may have felt uncomfortable,
Yes,
And frustrating,
But I hope now it will shift to your body really saying,
I need you.
I need you right now to help me feel safer.
And when we move forward with our lives from that perspective,
Not only will the stuckness dissolve at its own rate,
But we will be far more connected to ourselves,
Which will lead to a much richer and more joy-filled life.
Now,
You may well have come here thinking there was something wrong with you,
Something super frustrating,
And you wanted to break through it.
And I hope you're leaving with a slightly different perspective,
A softer,
Gentler,
But more meaningful perspective.
And the big question here is not what is wrong with me,
But what does the part of me that feels stuck or frozen need in order to feel safe enough to move?
That really is the golden question.
And the answer is found in the body.
I wish you every joy.
Moving through life.
Bringing that safety in.
And embracing the intelligence of your body to communicate with you the way it has been doing so,
Even if that communication is in the form of stuckness.
I wish you every joy moving forward.
Take care.
