Hi,
I'm Dr.
Denise Webb,
Clinical psychologist.
Welcome to my video series on emotional neglect.
So today I'm going to talk about emotional neglect recovery,
Nine things the emotionally attuned parent says to their child.
In just a moment I'm going to give you three goals to keep in mind at all times as a parent.
And I'm going to tell you exactly how to achieve them.
But first,
I want to start with some important information about the role that emotions play in parenting.
So if you've made parenting mistakes,
Rest assured you are not alone.
Let's face it,
Parenting is hard.
For most of us,
Doing it right means facing our own demons because no one is exposed to our flaws,
Blind spots,
Or unresolved issues as much as the children who depend on us.
Unfortunately,
All of those unresolved problems just transfer automatically from ourselves to our children.
Unless we make a conscious effort to stop them.
This has made more or less difficult for us parents by our own childhoods.
So if you grew up with parents who subtly discouraged or discounted your feelings,
Which is childhood emotional neglect,
Then you'll have a natural inclination outside of your awareness to do the same with your own children.
This is why childhood emotional neglect,
Or CEN,
Is so rampant in today's world.
It transfers unchecked and unnoticed from one generation on to the next.
This natural transfer process is aided by one simple fact.
In today's world,
We are all focused primarily on how our children behave.
We doubt.
Want them to get in trouble at school or irritate others,
Right?
Although it's very reasonable to assume that teaching a child to behave takes care of the emotional piece,
Nothing could be further from the truth.
Because in reality,
It all happens in reverse of that.
Our children's behavior is driven by their emotions.
So the best way to teach our children to behave to teach them how to manage their feelings.
And there's another key reason to focus more on emotions with our children.
In the last 10 years,
A large body of research has found that kids who are good at recognizing,
Tolerating,
Expressing,
And managing emotions in themselves and others In other words,
Kids with high emotional intelligence are more successful academically,
Make better leaders,
And enjoy greater career success as adults.
So I know what you're probably thinking about now.
You're thinking,
Okay,
So it's important.
So how do I do it?
Behavior is at least concrete and visible,
But feelings are hidden,
Messy and confusing.
What's a parrot to do?
So let's get down to brass tacks.
As we all swim together through this murky sea of parenting,
I offer you some clear goals.
Three goals to keep in mind at all times while you're parenting.
And exactly how to achieve them.
So,
The emotionally attuned parent has three goals.
The first is.
.
.
That your child feels a part of something.
Your child knows that they are not alone in the world.
That you are there,
You're paying attention,
You're on their side,
And you're always on their team.
The second goal is that your child knows that whatever they feel,
It's okay.
And that whatever they feel,
It matters to you.
It's very important that children learn from their parents.
That feelings are not bad,
They just are because we can't choose our feelings.
That their feelings are okay.
It's what they do with them that matters.
And they must understand that they will be held accountable for their behavior,
But not for their emotions.
The third goal is that your child learns how to tolerate,
Manage,
And express their feelings.
Any parent who accomplishes these three goals well enough is raising an emotionally healthy child.
And then also an emotionally intelligent child.
You don't have to do it perfectly,
Keep that in mind.
You only have to do it well enough.
So now I'm going to give you nine things that the emotionally attuned parent says to their child.
For each of these things,
I'm going to give you what parents tend to say.
And then I'll give you.
Something better to say to your child instead.
For that same exact situation.
Basically I'm telling you what the ideal parent would say in that situation and I hope that you will take these these statements away and start substituting them in your own life for whatever it is that you would say normally to your child.
So what do a lot of parents say to a crying kid?
They say,
Stop crying.
But what the ideal parent says is,
Why are you crying?
Even if you know,
Usually you know why your child is crying,
Right?
Instead of assuming that you know,
There is much value in just asking that question because it conveys to your child,
That simple question conveys,
I care about your feelings.
I'm interested in you and we're in this together.
Asking that question also allows your child to get out whatever is bothering them.
Him or her.
And to connect with you about it.
And that teaches them emotion skills right there.
The second thing is what many parents tend to say is,
Let me know when you're done with your tantrum.
Now,
We're talking smaller kids here,
But don't worry,
There are some for older kids.
What the ideal parent says is.
.
.
That's OK.
Get it all out and then we'll talk.
In this way,
When you say this to your child,
You're conveying that their emotions are okay,
That you understand that they're intense.
And that that's acceptable.
And that it's tolerable for you to sit with them while they are having strong feelings.
And you're also promising them that you're going to connect with them afterwards.
Saying that alone to a tantruming child can have a positive effect on their tantrum as well as on their inner selves and what they're going to take forward into adulthood.
The next thing many parents tend to say is,
All right,
Enough.
I'm done with this.
We've all said it,
Right?
But what the ideal parent says is,
Let's take a break so we can both calm down.
When you're feeling yourself revved up and just about done with the situation.
It's okay to take a break,
And you're also,
When you do that,
Teaching your child that it's okay to take a break,
And also teaching them the skill of taking a few minutes to calm themselves down.
What many parents tend to say.
To their teenager?
Fix the attitude.
What parent of a teen hasn't said that or something very similar?
But what the ideal parent says is.
Use sound.
Angry,
Hurt,
Upset,
Whatever it is.
Again,
This is you showing interest and curiosity in your child's feelings rather than rejecting them and trying to shut them down.
You're not encouraging them to feel angry or hurt or upset simply by asking the question.
You're just joining with them and showing some curiosity and also inviting them to open up.
And those are all healthy emotion skills that you're teaching your child.
What many parents tend to say is.
.
.
You need to think before you act.
Obviously this is true,
Right?
And that's very direct and to the point.
Nothing terrible about it.
But what the ideal parent would say is,
How'd this go wrong?
Let's think it through.
And in this way,
You're inviting your child to share their mistake.
Even if it was a bad one,
And talk about it with you,
You're removing some of the judgment as much as you possibly can in that moment,
And you're trying to join with your child on whatever has gone wrong.
And that teaches your child the whole process of when they make a mistake,
Being able to think it through for themselves.
That is a skill many adults do not have.
And a skill that your child will take forward forever and it will allow them to be less afraid of making mistakes.
What many parents tend to say.
Go to your room until you can behave better.
Or act better.
What the ideal parent says is.
.
.
I see you're angry.
Is it because.
.
.
Dot,
Dot,
Dot.
When you have an angry child who's acting up,
Say slamming doors or yelling,
Whatever they're doing,
Unless it's outright abusive to other people.
Then really it makes sense to observe it to them.
Yes,
You're angry.
I see that.
I see it.
I get it.
And then instead of assuming that you know why your child is feeling what they're feeling You show curiosity and you ask.
Is it because?
What many parents tend to say to their kids,
Okay,
Okay,
Stop crying so we can go in the store.
But what the ideal pair says is.
Look at me.
Take a deep breath.
Let's count to five together.
And if you say that enough times to your child,
It does convey to them that their feelings are okay and that you're there.
What many parents tend to say.
There's nothing to be nervous about,
Right,
Before a kid does a tryout or a big test.
But what the ideal parent says is,
Everyone gets nervous,
It's okay,
Let's talk about it.
What many parents tend to say.
Don't talk to me with that tone.
What the ideal parent says is.
We all have intense emotions.
But it's important that you say it to me in a way that I can hear it.
So all children have intense emotions,
But they just don't have the skills to manage them.
It's up to us to teach them those skills.
And when we are frustrated or overwhelmed by their expression of feeling,
It becomes very difficult for us parents to manage what we're feeling so that we can respond in the right way to what they're feeling.
No one sets out to purposely shame their child for having emotions.
But the way we respond can easily,
In very subtle ways,
Communicate to a child that they shouldn't be feeling what they're feeling.
Keep in mind that virtually all children have heard everything in that what parents say column many times and it's it's okay.
It will only cause harm,
And qualify as childhood emotional neglect if the child receives the subtle,
Unstated message messages that I'm about to give you too frequently.
And the messages are,
Your feelings are excessive.
Your feeling is wrong.
I don't want to know what you're feeling.
Your feelings are an inconvenience for me.
You need to deal with this alone.
I don't care what you feel,
I only care how you behave.
If you winced a little while you read those,
Don't despair.
It's not your fault.
You're simply doing what human beings do and responding to your children as you were responded to by your children.
As a child.
Be assured it's never too late to start responding differently.
So try using the ideal parent responses I just gave you as regularly as possible,
Keeping in mind that you will never be perfect because no one is.
Watch and see over time if your child starts to respond to you differently.
And watch to see how their behavior changes.
And if she learns how to manage her own feelings If you found this video helpful,
Please let me know in the comments.
I love to find out what you think.
Thanks so much.
Bye-bye.
