Emotional Neglect In Relationships

Two caring people, a relationship that should feel close, and yet something quiet keeps getting in the way. For many couples, that missing piece is Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN). When feelings are ignored or minimized in childhood, you learn to tuck them out of sight, even from yourself, and a long-term relationship or marriage feels the gap. Dr. Jonice Webb names the patterns that tend to show up between partners: not knowing what you need, putting your partner first by default, struggling to share hard feelings, and steering clear of conflict. The good news is that change can start small. Her two first steps for couples are refreshingly simple: let go of blame, since none of it is anyone's fault, and agree to notice and talk about feelings together. Some sensitive topics come up, so please listen with care and take your time. The track is for educational purposes and is not a substitute for one-to-one professional care.

Transcript

Hi, Dr. Denise Webb here, Author of Running on Empty and Running on Empty No More. And I just want to talk to you for a couple of minutes about how growing up. With your emotions and under responded to, Which is the definition of childhood emotional neglect. Affects you once you grow up. And start a romantic relationship and try to have a long-term relationship or marriage. Childhood emotional neglect, Growing up with your feelings. Basically under-responded to by your parents, Meaning maybe they ignore them or minimize your feelings. What it teaches you is to wall off your feelings and hide them, Not only from other people, But also from yourself. And this is a big problem because. . . One of the greatest resources that every good long-term relationship needs. Is the present, The full and present feelings of each member of that couple. So most people who grow up with childhood emotional neglect end up with their spouse telling them that something is missing or something is wrong in the marriage and they don't understand what the problem is because it's two good people trying to make a relationship work. But basically. . . Here are some problems that arise. And that might be going on in this kind of a relationship. Especially if you both grew up emotionally neglected, But even if it's just one of you. First, Your feelings are walled off from your partner and your partner feels it. You may feel it too. Second, You're not aware of what you want and need, So you're not very good at expressing those things to your partner. Third, You may end up over attending to your partner's wants and needs because you're out of touch with your own. And because you learned that their feelings are more important than yours when you were growing up. You lack the skills that you need in order to express your feelings to your partner, Especially if there's any negativity involved. And that's because your family didn't know how to do it, So they couldn't teach you. And number five is you may have a tendency to avoid conflict because conflict involves strong feelings, And that is threatening and scary to people with childhood emotional neglect. So what do you do? Turn things around. Stop blaming each other. Take the blame out of it. It's no one's fault. Not yours, Not your partner's. Number two, Make a pact to start paying attention to feelings and trying to talk about them and use feeling words together. Those two things alone can make a big difference in your relationship. Thanks so much for watching. I really appreciate you.