Hi,
I'm Dr.
Janice Webb,
Clinical psychologist.
Welcome to my video series on emotional neglect.
Today I'm going to talk about emotional neglect and how its symptoms affect highly sensitive people.
In a moment,
I'm going to describe how and why CEN affects the highly sensitive child more than less emotionally sensitive kids.
And I'm going to give you some steps to counter those effects.
But first,
I want to start by explaining what it means to be highly sensitive.
What it means to grow up with the childhood emotional neglect and how those two interact.
So in research that has gone on since the late 1900s,
Psychologists and neuroscientists have found that a fraction of the population is simply wired differently than most people.
In 1997.
Elaine Aron,
PhD,
Wrote The Highly Sensitive Person.
She described the highly sensitive person or HSP for short,
As more sensitive to sounds and textures and essentially all outside stimulation than the typical person.
HSPs also think more about decisions and actions and naturally just process more deeply.
This is thought to be an adaptive survival mechanism.
It's also been found in animal species like even fruit flies.
Fish and also almost a hundred other species.
So according to research,
Some of the signs that you may be an HSP are being easily overwhelmed by bright lights or strong smells and loud noises.
You may get rattled when.
When you're rushed.
You may avoid violent TV shows,
Be too affected by them,
And withdraw into bed or a dark room when you get stressed.
As children,
HSPs also have a rich,
Complex inner life and are often seen as shy by adults.
A very important thing to know about highly sensitive people.
Is that they are born this way,
In the classic question of nature versus nurture.
Scientific evidence shows us that the HSP falls soundly in the nature camp.
So we know that your parents do not cause you to be highly sensitive by the way that they raise you.
But it does beg another kind of question.
Is the highly sensitive child affected differently by emotionally neglectful parenting than a non-HSP child might be?
I get asked this question so very often.
Different workshops that I do in my trainings.
And from my readers who email me and text me.
Well,
They don't text me,
But they email me and ask me this question.
You know,
What if I'm an HSP?
How might CEN affect me differently?
So,
Based on the thousands of emotionally neglected adults who I've had the privilege to know and or work with,
I would have to answer the question with a resounding yes.
In my experience,
Childhood emotional neglect affects HSP children differently than non-HSP.
Let's talk a minute about the emotionally neglectful home.
And what that is.
So,
What is the experience of a child growing up in an emotionally neglectful home,
Whether they're HSP or not?
Basically,
It's a feeling of growing up deeply alone.
Even if surrounded by people.
It's a process of having your emotions ignored or even thwarted.
It's what happens when you're not asked often enough questions like,
What's wrong?
Or is everything okay?
What do you want?
Or what do you need.
What do you prefer?
How are you feeling?
Do you need help?
In the emotionally neglectful home,
It's not so much what your parents do to you that's a problem.
It's actually just the opposite.
It's the mirror image of that.
The problem comes from what your parents fail to do for you.
Which is to validate and respond to your emotional needs.
And this can be very confusing for the child.
From the outside and sometimes even from the inside of the family too.
For many emotionally neglected children,
Their family appears perfectly normal in every way.
The child might have a good school to go to,
Getting a good education,
Clothes,
Food.
Everything,
All the trappings of a normal childhood.
But here's the sad thing.
Children who grow up in an emotionally neglectful home learn some powerful lessons.
Very early and very well.
The first lesson is.
You learn that your feelings are invisible.
A burden.
Or don't matter.
And you learn this from your parents every time they act like your emotions matter.
Are invisible.
I can't see them.
I don't do that.
Those aren't important.
They don't matter.
The child internalizes that message.
The second lesson that is child growing up with childhood emotional neglect,
Or CEN,
Learns as you grow up to understand that your wishes and needs are not important.
Because when your parents are not asking you,
What do you want?
What do you need?
Naturally absorb the message that your wishes and your wants and your needs are not important.
The third key lesson that you learn in a CEN family is that your experience in your family teaches you that help is not the answer.
Expected.
It is not usually an option.
And that is because you go to your family or your parents for help.
And too often there is none there for you.
Not enough emotional support,
Emotional care,
Because they're not tuned in to your feelings.
So now let's talk about the HSP child growing up in an emotionally neglectful family.
So I just described the HSP child is born with some special sensitivities.
Deep thinkers,
Thoughtful and responsive by nature,
HSPs are greatly affected and more easily overwhelmed by external stimulation.
HSPs also have greater emotional reactions to things.
And they have more empathy for others.
So imagine being a deeply thoughtful,
Intensely feeling child.
Growing up in a family that is neither one of those things.
Imagine your intense feelings being ignored or discouraged.
Imagine that your thoughtfulness is viewed as a weakness.
Imagine if it seems that the people around you are operating at a different speed and living on a different plane than you.
What do you do with your powerful anger,
Sadness?
Hurt or confusion.
How do you try to fit in?
With people that are so different from yourself.
Many HSP adults have shared with me the words they heard often in their childhood homes.
From parents and siblings alike.
You're overly emotional is one.
Don't be a baby.
Stop overreacting.
You're just overly sensitive.
These are all very common things that happen.
HSP Kids here.
And they're also very common things that CEN children hear.
Some HSPs are actively made a joke of in their families.
Some could be chided and derided.
Or identified as the weak one because they naturally experience and show more feelings.
Or the slow one because of the more thoughtful processing that takes them more time.
And some of them are deemed the dreamer because of their rich and complex inner life.
Most emotionally neglectful families are not only unaware that emotions are important,
But they're also deeply uncomfortable with the feelings of their members.
Typically either passively or actively discouraging.
The show of any feelings.
So what if one particular child feels more deeply than the rest?
What will they learn about their feelings in this family?
How will they learn how to value and tolerate understand and express their feelings.
The HSP child in the emotionally neglectful family.
Learns that they are excessively emotional.
And since our emotions are the most deeply personal.
Biological expression of who we are.
That HSP child learns that they are different.
Damaged,
Weak.
And maybe just simply wrong.
They may grow up to be ashamed of their deepest self.
So if you are an HSP who grew up emotionally neglected.
There are answers.
The first thing I would suggest is that you can learn much more about emotional neglect that you grew up with.
And the messages that you received,
And how to heal.
Learn as much about all of those things as you possibly can.
Understanding is a very good start.
After that,
There are some clear steps to take to fight those messages and heal your childhood emotional neglect.
So first,
Change your relationship with your feelings.
Begin to accept and value them as the amazing resource that they actually are.
The fact that your emotions may run deeper and stronger than others is a superpower that you can harness and use instead of trying to hide or be ashamed of them.
Second,
In addition to valuing your emotions,
Pay attention to them.
When you pay attention to your feelings,
You can begin to use them.
Listen to their messages and allow them to guide you,
Inform you,
Motivate you,
And protect you,
And connect you.
This is why you have your feelings in the first place.
And their messages can make you stronger.
If you listen to them.
You just have to listen.
The third thing you can do is make a conscious decision to heal the childhood emotional neglect that you grew up with.
Being an HSP makes you extra sensitive and particularly vulnerable to the messages of CEN.
Yes.
The one positive thing about childhood emotional neglect is that it can be healed.
I've identified five healing steps to work through to heal CEN.
And I've watched and helped scores of people through those steps.
And watch them basically change themselves and their lives.
For the better.
It's only by learning.
About emotional neglect and clearing it from your life.
That your HSP qualities will be allowed to basically shine.
Only then will you be able to allow your intense emotional energy to empower you and your deep processing abilities to guide you.
Only then will you be able to celebrate the unique qualities that make you different and see that being set apart from birth and then again in your childhood,
Does not need to keep you set apart for life.
Fact.
It can empower you.
So if you found this video helpful,
Please do Leave me a comment below and let me know.
What you learned,
And what you thought.
And I will see you soon.
Thanks for watching.
