Mindfulness is changing my relationship to chronic pain,
And I want to share with you my health story,
How I'm navigating the challenges,
And what I've learned along the way.
I am a trauma-informed meditation,
Yoga,
And somatic movement teacher with a personal history of CPTSD and chronic illness.
Before I begin,
I just want to note that this talk is for informational purposes and is not intended to be a substitute for medical or psychological care.
When I was in my 20s,
My appendix burst,
Resulting in an open abdominal surgery,
Which I never fully healed from.
For six years,
I was in and out of doctor's offices and hospitals with pain and complications.
My providers did a great job of responding to my symptoms,
But they couldn't tell me why they were happening in the first place.
Only that each new symptom warranted a new specialist because supposedly none of them were connected.
This is what happens when trauma gets stored in the body.
It finds different ways to signal that all is not well,
But the health problems manifest slowly and in different ways,
Masking an underlying connection.
I was diagnosed with complex post-traumatic stress disorder in my 20s,
But it wasn't until I was in my 30s that I realized that the diagnosis was connected to my physical health issues.
No one in the medical system connected the dots,
In part because it was no one's job to.
I wrote about this frustration recently in my newsletter and how patients like me fall through the gaps in how the system is set up.
If you have a mental health issue,
You go to talk therapy.
If you have a physical health issue,
You go to an organ or system specialist.
But trauma is stored in the body,
And there isn't one practitioner in the Western medical system that is covered by insurance for that.
I had to take my healing into my own hands.
Once I started doing trauma-informed work,
Meditation,
Nervous system regulation,
Yoga,
Journaling,
My abdominal issues started to disappear.
But now there's something new,
My teeth,
Which I've cracked likely from all of the years of clenching them,
Stomaching trauma.
I've spent a few years now navigating tooth pain and the latest recommendation is to live with it until it gets so bad that I have to extract them.
I agree with this assessment,
And yet.
.
.
I've spent most of my life ignoring the pain that my body carried.
I minimized my own pain so much that my appendix had to burst before I sought medical care for it.
I've worked hard to come back into my body,
To feel its signals of pain,
To listen to the wisdom that it has to share with me,
And to rebuild that sense of trust with it again that I will care for it.
Which means.
.
.
I don't want to dissociate in order to have to live with the pain.
So I have to change my relationship to the pain.
And what I've come to realize.
Is that pain is a portal to presence.
When I feel the pain in my teeth,
I can soften the way that I am chewing and the sensation goes away.
I've noticed that if I am eating mindfully,
If I'm really present with my food.
I still might get the sensation,
But it's not as significant as when I'm eating while watching TV and chomping down hard absentmindedly.
The pain actually is calling me to change.
That's the thing I've learned about how trauma lives in the body.
My set point is one of chaos.
Of gripping,
Of tension,
Of urgency,
As my nervous system is trying to protect me from the threats it perceives around me.
I was complaining that I can't just eat my food like everyone else,
But maybe that's not the point.
That mindlessness was hurting me,
And bringing mindfulness to everything I do,
The way that I eat,
The way that I move,
Is what will allow my body to soften,
Release the tension,
And let go.
And maybe that's the invitation of all of my health issues.
To change my way of being before the chronic stress actually does kill me.
I hope my share helps you to find more self-compassion and ease in your body as you navigate your own journey with pain.
I have a healing meditation up on the platform that you can explore.
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