Hello everyone,
I hope that you're doing amazing wherever you are in the world.
My name is Boomshakha and I welcome you to my channel.
As always,
I'm so grateful that you're listening,
Subscribing and commenting.
I really appreciate the support.
In this one,
I wanted to speak to you about disarming ourselves in a situation where,
You know,
It's a conflictual situation where both people are in a high temper and you're in a situation where,
You know,
Tempers are rising,
You're fighting with each other and you're both armed and ready to go.
Not necessarily armed in terms of you have guns or anything,
Obviously,
Right?
But you're armed in the sense that your heart is armed or your mind is armed and you're ready to fight.
In that situation,
I've noticed something that I've been doing recently that's really helped me particularly,
That I wanted to share with you,
That if you are able to disarm yourself in that moment in time,
You're able to kind of let go of those shackles in your mind and your heart and actually relax into yourself and really be like,
Alright,
Cool,
I'm going to disarm myself.
Even if that means that the other person is still armed,
I'm still going to disarm myself,
You'll notice that automatically somehow the other person senses that you're disarmed,
Senses that the shackles from your heart and your mind have kind of dropped off,
And they disarm themselves as well.
Automagically,
It happens,
Right?
I'll give you an example,
It kind of maybe is a little too abstract without an example.
So,
For example,
Recently I was having a conversation with a friend of mine and,
You know,
I asked her a question,
Knowing that it's a difficult question for her to answer,
And I knew that I was asking her a difficult question,
But I knew that it was necessary.
And so I asked her the question and instantaneously I could feel her hackles rising,
You know,
I could feel like,
Ooh,
She's getting angry,
And it was a video call so I could tell.
I'm sure I could have told even if it was an audio call because she was really angry all of a sudden.
You know,
All of a sudden you get triggered and all of a sudden you're from like 0 to 100,
Right?
And that's where she was,
Like she was at 0,
It was okay,
And all of a sudden she's at 100 and she's angry and her face is convoluted,
Her body language is completely,
You can tell that she's,
You know,
Arming herself,
She's getting ready for a fight,
For a battle.
And it's just a fight or flight mechanism in our body,
The sympathetic nervous system,
It believes that a lion's coming and chasing us and all of a sudden we're like,
All right,
I'm ready to go,
I'm ready to fight,
Whatever it is that needs to be fought.
Of course there's no real danger there,
But we believe there is,
And so she kind of armed herself,
Right?
And she was ready to like fight with me.
And normally in the situation,
You know,
I'd be like,
Well,
You know,
How dare she get ready to fight with me?
I'm just being a friend and I'm just trying to help her out and how dare she?
And I'm going to get ready to arm myself too,
Right?
And normally I'd be like,
All right,
I'm ready to,
Let's fight.
And this time around I was like,
You know,
I don't actually want to fight about this.
Actually this is not going to be useful if we fight,
She's a friend of mine,
I'm actually trying to help her out.
And so if I am able to stay disarmed,
And that basically means if I'm able to stay peaceful,
Calm,
Within myself,
In my heart,
In my love zone,
Like in my heart zone,
And not stay in my head or in my,
You know,
Fight mode,
If I'm able to just relax myself and not go into arming myself mode,
Then I believe that she'll be fine.
If one person is trying to fight with you,
Right?
If there's someone who's trying to fight with you and you're not trying to fight back,
If you're just sitting there thinking,
Okay,
I'm not fighting.
You can fight if you want,
But I'm not going to do it.
I'm not going to engage you.
The other person is eventually going to run out of steam.
It's just not possible.
You need two opponents in order to engage with each other.
You need two opponents in terms of that,
You know,
If there's one person who's like ready to go and fighting,
Another person is just peaceful and calm,
The person who's angry is eventually going to be like,
Oh,
They're not giving me anything.
I can't fight with a person who's not fighting with me,
Right?
A lot of times I realize that conflicts in that manner,
Like one on one I would imagine,
Are only because those two people have armed themselves and they're ready to go at each other.
They're ready to fight with each other,
Right?
And so I was imagining,
Okay,
How about I disarm myself?
How about I just don't even engage with my friend and if she wants to say whatever she wants to say,
It's okay.
I can take it.
I'm an adult.
And it's nothing to do with me.
It's just her anger spilling over,
Right?
So I sat with it and I was like,
All right,
All right,
I'm not going to arm myself.
I sat and I was peaceful and I was still in my heart.
I didn't close off my heart.
I was still like,
Okay,
I'm going to keep it open.
I'm going to keep myself open.
And so she obviously started the tirade of anger and she started saying things about,
You know,
You're a terrible friend,
This and that.
And of course,
All those things hurt.
But I was still like,
No,
I'm not going to close my heart off.
I'm going to keep it open.
It's okay.
It's going to blow over.
And if I can stay open during this,
I know that we can get past it.
And I have known,
I have noticed for myself,
At least it's like when I do arm myself,
That the fights last forever and ever and ever.
Like literally we're sitting there and we're fighting and fighting and fighting until we're exhausted.
And then we hang up and we go off and we fight on our heads for the rest of the day and for the rest of the night and maybe the rest of the week.
Right.
But in that moment,
As I disarmed myself and I just sat there,
She very quickly blew over.
It was like as if there was a wind or a storm within her that trigger that had happened caused her to be angry.
And there's a storm within her.
And,
You know,
She kind of like blew.
It blew a little bit.
She said a few things,
Maybe for a couple of minutes.
And then because I wasn't reacting to it,
Not even physically,
I didn't even let it show my face that I was upset because I wasn't.
And I kept my heart open.
I just sat there and I listened.
In a couple of minutes,
She was done.
It was gone.
She was disarmed as well.
Right.
And because I hadn't armed myself,
Even though she had armed herself,
She was able to disarm herself very quickly.
And then she sat there for a few seconds,
Actually looking at me.
And I looked at her and and then that was it.
And that was the end of that.
And then she apologized and it was over because it wasn't as if I was trying to attack her.
And then that's what I told her after.
I was like,
I'm not attacking you,
But you've told me to tell you whenever something's happening that you want to grow on.
And I think this is a really good thing you could grow upon this quality of yours.
If you just could,
If you're able to improve on it,
You're going to go so far.
And so that's what I told her after.
And she understood.
But I can imagine that the scenario would have been completely different if I had armed myself,
Too.
And I'm like,
All right,
Cool.
If she wants to fight,
I'm ready to fight.
And I could have been like,
All right,
Yeah,
No,
You're a terrible friend,
Too.
You know,
You did this to me three years ago and and then this and that.
And then we could have sat there for two or three hours arguing,
Yelling,
Crying and exhausted by the end of it.
Instead,
By disarming myself,
I was able to let it go.
She was able to let it go in two or three minutes.
And we were able to move past it.
And our friendship wasn't ruined.
Our relationship was ruined and we were able to go past it.
Now,
Of course,
This is difficult to do,
Actually.
I think it's one of the most difficult things for me to do is to disarm myself,
Because a lot of cases with my fight or flight mode on all the time,
My my instinct,
My first instinct,
My highest instinct is to fight,
To go into fight mode,
Because they're not going to let me they're not going to push me down.
I'm going to fight with them and I'm going to yell at them.
And this is actually a lot of what's happening on the channel as well with a lot of people who are commenting about the stuff that I've been posting.
The last comment about the white privilege thing that I posted,
You know,
The image that I posted about Tom Brady and all the comments that came after that.
You know,
My instinct is to arm myself against those people because I'm like,
No,
I'm going to fight them.
How dare they say this about that?
And out there they don't believe in this and I'm going to fight with them.
And it's going to be a good fight and I'm going to come out,
Come out on top and things like that.
Right.
But then in my head,
I started thinking,
What is the point of fighting with these people?
First of all,
Nothing you say is going to convince them.
I think they say it's going to convince you.
So the point is that it's moot,
Basically.
There's no point of you saying anything to them.
Let them vent.
It's fine.
Let them say whatever they want to say,
Because they're going to say it anyways.
Right.
Now,
Of course,
Doesn't mean that I'm just sitting there and let them bash me over if they are personally attacking me or saying derogatory comments to people.
Of course,
They can be blocked because that's ridiculous to go personal into this thing.
This is not personal.
I did not post those things in order to personally attack anyone.
It's something that I'm commenting on the state of the world right now.
But except for that,
I decided to disarm myself.
And I'm really trying.
Sometimes it's easy and sometimes it's difficult.
And so sometimes if the issue is very,
Very close to my heart,
It's very hard for me to disarm myself.
Like,
All right,
No,
Don't react.
Just relax.
It's OK.
It's not a personal attack against you.
It's just it's OK.
You don't have to arm yourself.
It's not a threat here.
You're not under attack.
Just relax and stay in your heart.
And as I said,
Sometimes it's very easy for me to do it.
I'm like,
Oh,
Cool.
Yeah,
I was able to disarm myself and the other person in turn.
But sometimes I can't.
Sometimes I can't disarm myself.
And I can I notice myself.
Oh,
My heart's closing.
I notice myself getting tighter and closer and contracted and angrier and more,
More,
More emotional about it.
Right.
And that's when I'm like,
Oh,
All right,
Cool.
You have to stop doing that because otherwise you're going to waste a lot of energy in this.
Of course,
Which is something that I want to do.
But also time.
Also,
Of course,
I don't want to do.
But also,
It's just not a useful use of time,
Because if you disarm yourself,
It actually blows over faster.
Right.
And you're able to come to a resolution quicker if you can disarm yourself.
Right.
Of course,
I'm not saying it's easy,
But I'm hoping that because I've shared this with you now,
You can kind of look at your own scenarios in your own lives and be like,
All right,
Cool.
In which situations can I disarm myself?
Right.
Some situations maybe you're like,
No,
This is actually something I need to fight about.
Right.
And the Rage Against the Patriarchy that I'm publication that I have on Medium,
These are things I need to fight about.
I'm not going to disarm myself.
I need to fight about these things.
I'm going to do it from a place of love.
But I still need to talk about these issues.
But other issues where I'm like,
You know,
Did you put the toilet seat up or down?
Some issues like that,
Which are inconsequential,
Really,
You have to be like,
All right,
Am I going to arm myself in this regard or am I going to let it go?
And hopefully let the issue pass by faster.
Right.
So hopefully I was able to explain myself to you.
It literally is a game changer,
Has been a game changer for me.
And so really disarm yourself because you'll notice that the other person will automatically disarm themselves,
Too.
If you have questions,
Comment below.
Again,
Thank you so much for listening,
For being on my channel.
And I shall see you the next time around.
Bye for now.
