This message is from my heart to yours.
You can listen to this message lying down,
Sitting,
Standing,
While you're getting ready,
However you'd like to receive in this moment.
There's just one thing I ask,
To allow yourself to arrive fully in this moment.
To let whatever you're carrying,
Whatever thoughts that are pulling you elsewhere,
For right now,
Allow yourself the chance to set them down,
And just feel the ease of that weight being lifted off,
Even if it's only for a breath,
It's okay.
And now that you arrived here,
Just let yourself take another deep breath in,
And exhale slowly,
Letting your shoulders drop,
Your body settle,
Allowing yourself and your body to know that there is nowhere to be but here,
And nothing to do but listen.
And as you listen,
My hope is that you will allow these words to move through you,
Not as something to analyze or judge,
But as something to be felt with your whole body.
Let my words be an ocean washing over you,
Carrying you wherever you need to go.
In the last few months,
I have been falling,
Flailing,
Floating,
Falling again,
And succumbing to a darkness I didn't even know I had.
It has been scary,
Numbing,
Lonely,
Uncomfortable,
Messy,
Dark,
And at the same time,
Completely eye-opening and beautiful.
The hardest part has been relaxing into it,
Because when the light in your soul goes out,
It's more than a death.
It's this deeper urge to not exist anymore,
And nothing makes sense.
I couldn't even explain this darkness.
It felt deeper and darker and sticky.
I was sinking,
And I was sinking fast.
I had lost the words and the appetite for what I was doing and what I felt I was born to do,
And I couldn't understand why.
I couldn't handle the struggle.
I had given up everything to take this chance to follow when I heard my heart calling.
What I didn't expect was a longer spiral to form as my heart began to creep open,
Slow then fast,
Slow then fast,
Just like its own heartbeat.
Sometimes nothing made sense,
And then for a split second,
It all began to fall into place.
I could see the whole vision,
That peace and contentment ran through my veins,
And I got hooked.
Every time the vision fell,
I would search for that high of peace and contentment.
I began to ask anyone for advice on what to do so I could feel that hit again,
Instead of accepting that I would need to wade through the nothingness and let it all emerge.
I needed to let the space swallow me whole,
Like the oceans drift.
I needed to accept and fall in the rhythm of the water's flow.
I felt alone,
Not because I was,
Because my tongue seemed to have disappeared and my throat closed.
I couldn't articulate and I couldn't understand why.
I kept withdrawing until I realized that I was neglecting my own voice.
I had stepped in my own way,
Allowing my anxiety to rule me and rejecting its existence.
I was playing by the old rules and wondering why I wasn't able to show up as me.
The unworthiness creeps in and I recognize that my failure to accept my own worthiness and magnificence is my mistake.
That mere action is blocking the rush of abundance headed my way.
Will I remove the wedge or will I let it sit?
This was the biggest wall around my heart because once I lift this belief,
This fear of being alone and unloved,
Then the whole world opens and every decision from then on is mine and my responsibility.
Am I willing to accept this power?
And then another vortex appears and this time I feel like I can't.
Nobody talks about it.
They only say this journey is lonely.
It's lonely because you go through your own death multiple times.
You melt every layer and get to a deeper understanding of self and each layer is its own journey.
You get to determine its length by determining when you'll accept it and completely fall in.
Sometimes you come out and feel completely ready and sometimes you come out and feel completely naked.
Sometimes you know you will shed again soon.
Other times you think this is it.
Sometimes your arms feel suspended and all you want is to do,
To take action.
Sometimes you switch between thing and thing hoping it would ignite the passionate fire.
Your only chance is if you ask for help and somehow the words don't reach your mouth.
The evolution of your art seems constant.
The change so sudden and yet so slow.
The words haven't emerged and you're still caught in the fog.
You don't know your next step and you don't know what you want to say.
You have to let go of the perfection of the art and realize that some stages no art is to be expressed and the art that was exists for that part of the journey.
It's not meant to be carried forward so you let it go.
The lighter your touch is on it the quicker it leaves and the faster the new flows.
Can you relax enough every moment to not impede it?
Can you hold that frequency of certainty?
Can you be that honest with yourself?
Can you see your version of reality and then begin to notice the full territory,
The actual truth?
Can you zoom in and zoom out?
Can you zoom so far out and settle to see all the possible choices before you pick one?
How willing are you to dive in deep?
How uncomfortable can you get?
The answer is only you can tell.
May these words leave you with a sense of hope.
May they help you feel lighter or more at ease to let go and surrender and know that even in these moments you're not alone.
