Hi everybody,
Thanks for tuning in today.
If you're like me,
You've probably had situations where you felt some kind of feeling that you really wish that you didn't feel.
So for example,
I had a period in my life when I struggled with a lot of body anxiety,
Really worried about how I looked,
Felt like I was always comparing myself to other people.
And the more I tried to change the way that I felt,
The more that I tried to tell myself I shouldn't feel this way,
That I should just feel grateful for my body,
That I should just be comfortable in my body and not be comparing myself,
The worse it got.
The more anxious I would feel,
The more my brain would just dart to comparing constantly.
In other situations,
I've felt really critical of myself.
For feeling social anxiety.
For example,
After concerts,
Sometimes we have to have receptions and I need to meet the audience and talk to them and have a small talk.
And a lot of times I'm tired and it's hard for me to make small talk and I feel awkward and I'm really anxious about the way that I'm holding my hands and I can't think of anything to say and then there's part of me that's just criticizing everything about how I'm handling this.
And the more that I criticize myself,
The more anxious I feel and the less able I am to feel any modicum of comfort and think of anything to say to people and the worse it gets.
Or another situation where I have to be in close contact with someone and I just am feeling like I really do not like this person.
I really don't like being around them.
Maybe I even feel a little bit repulsed by them.
They feel really irritating to me.
And I feel like I shouldn't feel this way.
I shouldn't feel so antagonistic toward this person.
I should be able to get along with him just fine.
I shouldn't be feeling these feelings.
But the more I resist and tell myself I shouldn't feel this way,
The more they just get amplified,
The more I feel that.
Anyway.
So you've probably had similar experiences where you have feelings that you wish that you didn't have and your response was to feel like you should just get rid of them,
That you shouldn't be feeling this way.
There were two concepts that I came across in my doctoral research that really helped me with these types of situations that I want to talk to you about today.
I came across a quote that had a big impact on me,
And this quote is by Anne Weiser Cornell.
And it is that everything inside you wants to save your life.
And she was talking about emotions,
Thoughts,
All of these different things that happen inside of our brains,
Even these emotions and thoughts that we really don't want to have,
That we think that we shouldn't have.
That somehow these are trying to save our life.
This was a really interesting concept for me to start to think about that quote in the context of these three different examples that I gave at the beginning.
So,
For example,
With the body anxiety,
How in the world could that be trying to save my life?
But it makes sense if you look at it from an evolutionary perspective.
We evolved in these small social groups.
It was really crucial for us to stay in these groups.
It was important that we not be kicked out,
But it was also important that we have a good standing in the groups.
And you can see this when you look at a chimpanzee tribe,
For example.
Those chimpanzees that are at the top of the hierarchy,
They have access to the best resources.
The most desirable mate.
Those down at the bottom might not get enough food.
They might get only the leftovers of whatever there is.
And so from an evolutionary perspective,
Humans also evolved,
To be aware of where we are hierarchically in our social circle.
It's been called a sociometer,
That we have the sociometer in our head and we're always trying to figure out where we are in the hierarchy of our group.
So how does this apply to my body anxiety?
Well,
If I look at it from this context,
I can see how because of my ancient wiring,
Whatever situation that I'm in,
My brain thinks this is my social group.
I've got to see what my standing is in this social hierarchy.
And it starts to compare and see who's more of this and who's less this and where I fit into all of this.
When I started to realize this.
Huh,
Isn't that interesting?
Isn't that interesting that my brain is trying to save my life?
By being aware of where I am in the social hierarchy and trying to make sure that I can in a good spot in the social hierarchy.
What about the scenario when I'm at the reception and I'm feeling a lot of social anxiety and also feeling really critical of my social anxiety?
How is it that those things are trying to save my life?
They're both giving me a lot of torture.
How can they be trying to help me?
Well,
My social anxiety is worried about me making a fool of myself,
Worried about me saying the wrong thing.
It wants to say the right thing so that I can please my social group.
You look at our evolutionary history again,
That makes sense.
But what about that critic that's constantly criticizing everything I do.
How could that possibly be trying to save my life?
Well,
Think about it in this context of the ancient small human groups again.
If my brain is constantly criticizing me and telling me what's wrong with my behavior,
Then maybe I can fix it ahead of time and I don't have to be corrected by my group.
So maybe my brain evolved to criticize me so that I can be one step ahead of the criticism of the group So maybe my inner critic is just trying to make sure that I will be able to stay in my group,
Be well accepted by my group.
And be alive and well and healthy.
What about that last scenario where I'm really irritated and really disliking someone that I have to work closely with,
Where I have these real feelings of maybe even repulsion of this person that I have to be in close contact with?
How is that trying to save my life?
Well,
You can figure it out by trying to get curious about the appraisal behind that emotion,
The story that your brain is telling that is creating that emotion.
Those questions that we answer,
How good or bad is this?
Whose fault is it?
Is this going to develop?
In almost all the cases that I have found myself in where I felt dislike for other people,
I've discovered that part of my story that my brain is telling is that this person is blocking my goals in some way,
That is in the way of me getting things that I feel like I need,
That there's some kind of sense in which this person gets between me and what is important to me.
So what happens when we start to ask this question,
How is this feeling trying to save my life?
What you start to be able to step back from your feeling and observe it.
It's an exercise of you being able to step into that part of you.
That can think about your thoughts and your emotions.
It's taking the role of the sky and observing the cloud,
Which is the emotion,
Which is the thought.
Are passing through your sky.
Once we've stepped into that conscious role where we are using the part of our brains that can think about our emotions,
Then we have accessed also the part of our brains that can figure out what to do next.
So these clouds that are passing through our sky might be wanting us to behave in one way or another,
But how are we actually going to behave?
There's a movie that my daughter and I both really love and it's called About Time.
And this movie for those of you who haven't seen it is about this seemingly normal family in the UK.
But it turns out they're not so normal because the father and the son can both time travel.
And the father tells the son about this ability to time travel when the son is in his 20s.
So this is when he first finds out that he has this ability and he immediately starts trying to use it to fix different situations in which he Feels like he messed up.
Situations that he has some regret over.
So he starts to time travel back to them and fix them.
There are some situations where he feels like he was a jerk.
And he goes back and redoes them and tries to be the person that he wishes that he had been.
And then there are situations where he missed an opportunity and he goes back.
And redoes that.
Day in a way that helps him to take advantage of that opportunity.
Well,
The movie shows all kinds of situations and adventures that he goes through in learning how to use this skill of time travel to his best advantage.
And right toward the end of the movie,
His father is about to pass away and his father tells him that he has actually discovered the secret to happiness.
And he says that several years back he realized,
That the secret to happiness was to not time travel anymore,
But to simply live each day as if he were already going back and doing it for the second or third time,
And just do it right the first time.
Do it the way that he will wish that he had lived.
And that that was really the secret to happiness.
Sorry I gave you a spoiler on the movie.
It's still worth watching.
There's a lot to it that I haven't told you yet.
And it's one of those movies that's not so much about what happens but about how.
But I love the conclusion of this movie,
Which is that the secret to happiness is actually something that us normal,
Non-time-traveling people can access.
So we're just going to live through this day as if we were doing it already for the second time,
And do it right this time.
Do it the way that we will wish that we had behaved.
So it's really cool that once you have stepped into your observing part of your brain,
Your conscious part of your brain,
That feels like the sky and can observe the clouds that are passing through,
The emotions and the thoughts.
Then once you have asked yourself,
How is this emotion trying to save my life?
That you can then ask yourself the next question that can help you to deal with this emotion,
Which is,
How will I wish that I had done this day?
So this two-part process of dealing with unwanted emotions is powerful even though it seems like it wouldn't be.
First of all,
Asking,
How is this trying to save my life?
Helps you to stop resisting it,
To just recognize that this is normal,
To recognize that this Emotion is actually trying to help you somehow.
Observe it,
To understand it,
To make room for it to be there,
Because it's part of your ancient wiring that made it so that you could be alive today,
That made it so that your ancestors could survive.
So when we stop resisting,
Then we stop magnifying,
And we don't magnify the unpleasant feeling.
We just allow it to be what it is without intensifying it.
And we can make space for it to be there,
But that doesn't mean that we have to act on it.
We can use this perspective that we gain from being the sky and observing our cloud be aware of how we will wish that we had lived this day.
So how has doing this process helped me with those three different scenarios?
Well,
In scenarios where I feel the urge to compare my body and I start to feel anxious and insecure and feel like I'm way down low on the social hierarchy compared to other people that are around me,
I'm able to just step back and observe and say,
Look at that,
Look at my brain.
Trying to be aware of where I am on the sociometer and being worried about being lower than other people isn't that interesting.
But how will I want to have done this day?
I will want to have been present and tried to enjoy the beach day with my family even though at the same time I'm feeling some of these thoughts going on and I'm just aware of them and I'm making space for these uncomfortable feelings,
But I'm going forward to doing the things that are important to me anyway.
And what have I found after doing this over time?
That it doesn't bother me as much anymore.
Those feelings still come up.
Sometimes I still feel anxious,
Some body anxiety this time or another time,
But it's something that comes up.
I notice it.
Oh,
Isn't that interesting?
And then I go on to do what I need to do and it usually leaves me.
I pretty much forget about it.
What about the situations where I'm feeling the inner critic criticizing everything that I do.
I'm able to look at that.
Understand it,
Isn't that interesting that I'm feeling so critical of myself.
And go forward anyway,
Engaging in whatever it is that I've got to do,
Whether it's a reception,
Talking to people,
Observe myself feeling awkward and just say,
Hey,
Isn't that interesting?
I understand why I feel awkward and I also understand why part of me wants to criticize my awkwardness and I'm just going to sit with all of these feelings and I'm going to still go to this reception and talk to these people and try and connect with them as best I can.
And what happens as I do this?
Well,
I still feel somewhat awkward.
Still feel that self-criticism at times,
But it isn't magnified and I'm able to just go forward and try and talk to people and it doesn't plague me in the same way.
As it did before.
What about the situations where I feel dislike,
Intense dislike for someone that I have to be in close contact with?
Well,
In being aware of the different appraisals behind my dislike,
I'm able to understand it.
And just observe that,
You know,
Part of me feels like this person is really in the way of things that are important to me and there's other parts of me that can see how that's not really true and how everything's okay but I can make space for that part of me that still feels irritated so I'm able to go forward Observe that dislike that I have.
Let it be there.
Don't magnify it.
But proceed in acting.
With courtesy and respect toward the person.
So it doesn't seem like this would.
Resolve the problem because first of all,
We're really kind of embracing these unpleasant feelings,
These demons.
But the embrace of them helps them to relax.
Helps him to stop fighting back too.
When you can understand them,
Then it's kind of like that inner family relationship where your consciousness is the parent and this feeling is the child and they feel cared for and they feel like it's okay for them to be there.
You understand them,
You care for them,
But they don't need to be in charge right now.
And being able to really think about that time travel and how will I wish that I had done this day.
That helps me to really focus on what it is that I will want to have done,
Whether or not I feel uncomfortable while I'm doing it.
And going toward what's most important to me.
Gives me that sense of satisfaction.
But it's this really interesting sequence that Embracing your demons and following your heart or following your values,
What's most important to you,
Is what really is the answer to dealing with these unwanted feelings.
