So welcome everyone and thank you Thank you for listening Thank you for being here So Let's explore the buzzword Boundaries So if you have spent any time in any kind of self-help wellness,
Therapy even Instagram you've probably heard this word a lot Set boundaries Hold boundaries Boundaries are self-care Boundaries are everything If something is wrong with your life the answer is probably boundaries Partner being difficult Boundaries Family is overwhelming Boundaries Your friend is asking for too much that's boundaries too A co-worker is stepping on your toes and you guessed it it's also boundaries So the word has become so common that it has almost lost meaning It is thrown around as the answer to everything without much exploration of what it actually means or might mean Now a lot of people this is just me talking from my experience a lot of people are using the word without really understanding the essence that they've learnt that boundaries are good and they should have them and saying no is empowering But when it comes to actually setting a boundary knowing where it needs to be and holding it without guilt not using it as a weapon it gets really murky and we fail Because boundaries have also been co-opted Sometimes they are used to punish,
To control to shut people out while feeling righteous about it I am setting a boundary can become a code for I am done with you and I have the language now to make it sound healthy and therapeutic So if any of this is resonating with you let's explore this a little bit deeper now Let us talk about what boundaries actually are not the buzzword but the essence because when you understand it everything changes Now here is what boundaries actually are An act of self-love so your wounded parts can stay safe and not be re-traumatized I'll say this again Boundaries an act of self-love so your wounded parts can stay safe and not be re-traumatized Let me unpack that for you You have tender places in you wounds from your past parts of you that carry pain that are vulnerable and that can get hurt if not protected Boundaries are the protection for those tender places They are not walls because walls keep everything out Boundaries are more like a gate You choose what comes in and you choose what stays out You choose who gets access to the tender places and who does not So the purpose of a boundary is not to control other people It is not to punish them for their past wrongs and it is not to prove a point or to win an argument or for you to convince yourself that you are now being the best version of you The purpose simply is to keep your wounded parts safe To say this This is what I can handle This is what I cannot This is where I need protection so that old wounds do not keep getting reopened This is where I need protection so that the old wounds do not keep getting reopened Boundaries also clarify where you end and another person begins And this might sound obvious but for many people especially those who grew up in toxic family environments who learned to fawn and people please This line can be very blurry at times So you might take on other people's emotions as your responsibility You might feel guilty for having needs And you might not know where their stuff ends and your stuff begins So Boundary says This is me This is you I am responsible for my feelings my needs and my well-being And you are responsible for yours I can care about you without caring you Yeah I can care about you without caring you So this is the essence It's not a weapon It's not a wall It's a loving act of protection for the parts of you that need it So if boundaries are so important,
Why are they so hard?
Now for many people boundaries were not allowed growing up And if you tried to have a boundary If you tried to say no to protect yourself,
To have your own space It was either overridden punished or shamed So maybe your parents did not respect your physical boundaries Entering your room without knocking,
Reading your diary I don't know,
Touching you when you didn't want to be touched Maybe your emotional boundaries were violated You were not allowed to have your own feelings Or your feelings were dismissed Or maybe you were responsible for managing everyone else's emotions in the house Maybe saying no led to rage,
Withdrawal of love or being told that you were selfish So you learned Boundaries are dangerous Having needs is dangerous And saying no will cost you love Now,
There is absolutely no judgement on anybody's journey Nobody chooses their early life experiences Life happens to us Our parents,
Our caregivers,
Whoever people around us may have the best intentions But sometimes because of circumstances we do not control or create these wounds are created Regardless you are left with this in your nervous system in your body,
In your subconscious in your cells That boundaries are dangerous Having needs is dangerous And saying no will cost you love And then you develop strategies Then you became a people pleaser Maybe Then you started making everyone happy So they would not be angry or leave Then you maybe became a fawner Going along with whatever others wanted to stay safe Or maybe you stopped having boundaries altogether Now you are here You are not just an adult You are also a self-aware adult You intellectually know boundaries are good And you have read all the books You have highlighted all the key paragraphs,
You have seen all the posts,
You have heard all the advice from your friends But when it comes to actually setting one Your body still panics And your nervous system screams danger So you feel guilty selfish,
Terrified of the consequences It's like my conscious mind knows exactly what to do It has the full blueprint But my body is not on board with any of this So this is not weakness at all This is survival adaptation Your system learned that boundaries were not safe And your system is still running that program So just because your conscious mind has learned something new,
Doesn't mean your body,
Your subconscious,
Your nervous system is on board So the work here is not just learning to say no and using the right words and setting boundaries It is actually teaching your nervous system that you can say no and still survive You can have a boundary and still be loved And that you protecting yourself is not selfish at all It's an act of self-love It's necessary Let me make an important distinction now Healthy boundaries Healthy boundaries come from self-love from knowing what you need from protecting your tender places so you can stay regulated and present They are about you your limits your needs your well-being and it's not about controlling someone else A healthy boundary sounds like this Just an example I am not able to talk about this right now I need some space tonight I cannot take on that responsibility This does not work for me There's no power play here There's no hidden meaning There's no punishment Just clarity about what you can and cannot do What you will and you will not accept Now here is another term Now this term is called weaponized boundaries And weaponized boundaries look completely different They come from anger They come from a desire to punish from wanting to control the other person They might use the language of boundaries but the energy behind it is completely different It is I am setting a boundary as a way to hurt you I am using this language to shut you out and feel justified about it Or maybe I am making you responsible for my feelings and I am calling it a boundary So here is a simple test Is this boundary about protecting yourself or is it about controlling or punishing someone else Is it coming from self-love or is it coming from resentment Are you clear about what you need or are you trying to change their behavior I think this one lands better Are you clear about what you need or are you simply trying to change their behavior True boundaries protect your inner world They do not try to control the outer world And I understand I know that the internet has made boundaries very trendy but trendy does not always mean understood The word is everywhere but the essence is often missing So here is something that I feel is often missed that boundaries are not just psychological they are physiological also They are more about your nervous system than about what you read So when your boundaries are violated,
In whichever way your nervous system responds straight away You might go into fight anger,
Irritation,
Wanting to push back You might go into flight anxiety,
Panic wanting to escape or you might go into freeze You shut down and you dissociate A chronic boundary violation keeps you in a dysregulated state Your system is always on alert and never quite safe Good boundaries regulate your nervous system They say I am protected I know what I can handle and what I cannot I do not have to be constantly vigilant because I have a gate And when you have clear boundaries your system can then relax It knows the tender places are protected It does not have to run survival strategies all the time In somatic language boundaries keep you in your window of tolerance They prevent you from being flooded or shut down and they create conditions for regulation and healing This is why boundaries are self-care in the truest sense Not bubble baths and face masks,
But actual protection of your nervous system from constant activation Now in a moment I am going to guide you through a practice of connecting with boundaries And we are going to do this differently than you might expect Instead of starting with what you should say or do We are going to start with your wounded parts The parts of you that need protection The tender places that boundaries are actually for And when you understand your wounded parts When you understand what your wounded parts need Boundaries become clearer They are not rules that you impose from the outside Rather protection that you offer from the inside Now Just letting yourself arrive here Feeling your body Feeling your breath And feeling the support beneath you Take a moment now and settle into presence Safe,
Supported Here Breathing Feet on the floor Hips on the chair And my breath I am here Now bring your attention inwards To the parts of you that feel tender And they might be coming up as we were talking Or they might come up now The wounded places in me Or the parts that carry pain or vulnerability Now you might think of a part that has been hurt in relationships A part that gets overwhelmed Or a part that feels unsafe in certain situations Just sense that part Or those parts You do not have to see them clearly Just acknowledge that they are there Now ask these tender parts What do you need to feel safe?
What do you need to feel safe?
And as you listen you might get words feelings images You might sense what situations feel threatening or what interactions are too much for you What do your wounded parts need protection from?
And this is not about blame It is about understanding what your tender places cannot handle what re-traumatizes them and what overwhelms them Now sense an area of your life where a boundary is needed Where is the line in your life that says this is too much?
And it might be a particular person a situation a type of conversation an expectation or somebody's behavior Feel the boundary now not as a rule but as a protection a loving act something you are doing for your wounded parts not against anybody else Once again feel the boundary not as a rule but as a protection a loving act something you are doing for your wounded parts and not against anybody else Keep it simple and keep it about you Now if this boundary had words what would they be?
Maybe Maybe I am not available for this or I need space or this does not work for me or simply no See the situation feel the words Not rehearsing just sensing what your wounded parts need need you to say Now notice the energy behind the boundary Is it loving?
Protective?
Is there anger?
Resentment?
Punishment?
If there is anger that is ok Anger often protects the tender places but let the boundary itself come from love come from self-love,
Come from protection From this place I am keeping my wounded parts safe Now say this silently to your tender parts I will protect you I will not let you be hurt in the same ways and this boundary is for you I will protect you I will not let you be hurt in the same ways this boundary is for you Now imagine the boundary is in place feel what would it be like to have that protection in that situation with that person and feel ok with it Your tender parts know now that there is a gate not everything can get in and they are protected How does your body feel with that protection in place?
How does your nervous system feel?
This is what boundaries are for this feeling this safety Feel it and now gently bring your attention back your body your breath and release Take another deep breath now So this small practice connecting with boundaries from the inside out not from a list of rules or scripts or books but from actually feeling what your wounded parts need and from understanding what you are protecting and why Going forward when you need to set a boundary start here connect with a tender place in you that needs protection in that situation with that person feel into what it needs and then let the boundary come from love for that part of you not to punish anybody This does not mean the boundary will be easy and it does not mean there will be no push back but it will be clear and it will be coming from the right place If you feel guilty when you set boundaries and many people do just remember you are not being cruel you are being protective you are taking care of parts of you that did not get taken care of before and that is not selfish that is self-love in the truest sense So once again boundaries are not a buzzword to throw around they are a sacred act of protection for your tenderest parts Know your wounded parts know what they need and just have the courage to protect them you are worth protecting all of you especially the parts of you that have been hurt Thank you for being here Thank you for joining me and until next time Namaste
