And welcome to this short talk on expectations.
My name is Wendy,
And I'm so glad that you're here today.
The definition of expectations is the act of expecting.
To look forward to.
Or to anticipate a particular outcome.
However,
The gap between expectations and reality creates disappointment in our lives.
We set expectations based on things like past experiences,
Social norms.
Personal and cultural beliefs.
When these expectations are not met,
We experience cognitive dissonance,
The uncomfortable gap between what we expected and what actually occurred.
Expectations can increase stress and anxiety and bring forth feelings of frustration and disappointment.
When we have expectations of ourselves or others,
We create a pressure-filled environment.
According to a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology in 2017,
Individuals with high self-imposed expectations are more prone to anxiety disorders and burnout.
In our relationships,
Whether they be personal or professional.
Expectations can cause significant strain.
The gap between idealized expectations and reality often leads to conflicts and disappointments.
Some signs of expectations are.
Constantly feeling disappointed or frustrated.
Expecting others to act or behave a certain way or how we would act or behave.
Struggling to accept mistakes or imperfections.
Comparing yourself to others and feeling inadequate.
Expectations can feel like they're just a part of how I think.
So it's hard to imagine not having them.
The realistic goal isn't to eliminate expectations altogether,
But to soften them,
Make them less demanding,
And reduce the gap between what I hope happens and what actually happens.
Here are a few ways I use to accomplish this goal.
Number one.
Reframe expectations as preferences.
Instead of saying.
.
.
It should go well.
They should be different.
This will work.
Try instead to say,
I'd like it to go well.
Or I hope it works,
Or ideally,
That would be the outcome.
That small language shift.
Make sure mine treat the outcome as flexible,
Not mandatory.
Number two.
Add an AND IF NOT clause.
Before a situation,
Quietly tell yourself.
I'm aiming for.
.
.
Blank to happen.
And if not.
.
.
I'll just adapt.
This trains your brain to expect reality to vary without making it catastrophic.
Number three.
Separate your outcome from your effort.
A big stress driver is when you attach your emotional safety to results.
Try setting expectations around things that you can control.
I expect I will show up,
Try,
And learn.
I am not guaranteed the result.
This keeps you motivated,
But stops you from treating outcomes like requirements.
Check the shivs in your head.
Number four.
Look for words like should,
Must,
Always,
Never,
And everyone.
When you notice one,
Convert it.
They should be kinder.
Convert it to?
It would be better if they were kinder.
This always ruins my day.
Convert that to.
This is upsetting,
But I can still handle it.
You're not denying the feeling.
You're just shrinking the demand.
Number five.
Practice good enough as an intentional standard.
Many expectations are actually perfection standards.
Try a phrase like,
Good enough today counts.
Then ask,
What's the minimum version that still works?
This reduces the feeling that life has to meet a higher bar every time.
Number six.
Slow down your mind in the moment.
When you catch yourself building an expectation,
Do a quick reset.
Name what you're expecting in one sentence.
Notice the feeling in your body.
For about 30 seconds.
Decide your next action anyway.
Even if the outcome is uncertain.
It breaks that cycle of anticipate,
Tense up,
And then suffer.
Number seven.
Use uncertainty tolerance on purpose.
Pick small,
Low stakes situations and let them be imperfect.
Try taking less time than you usually would.
Reply without crafting the perfect response.
Plan loosely and allow changes.
Over time,
Your brain learns.
I can handle things not going as I pictured.
Number eight.
Let other people be the unknown variable.
A lot of expectation stress comes from assuming others will behave predictably.
A helpful mantra for this is,
I can't control their inner world.
I can only control my boundary and responses.
Number 9.
Do a quick expectation audit at night.
Once a day for maybe two or three minutes.
Jot down one expectation that showed up for you today.
Than what you actually got.
Then whether I can shift my expectation the next time.
Preference,
Flexibility,
Effort-focused.
This turns it from a vague problem into something you can manage.
Letting go of the need for control.
Many of our expectations come from our need for control.
The idea that there is a linear relationship between cause and effect.
But real life doesn't always work that way.
Therefore,
To adjust expectations,
You must let go of the need to control everything and become more open to change.
The unknown or even the improbable.
We tend to use expectations as a tunnel that leads us to one destination.
With little chance for detour along the way.
Instead.
Since expectations are just assumptions about the future,
We can use them as a tool to stretch our minds.
Use them to broaden our thinking by weighing all possible options.
Even the least likely ones.
This will give us the opportunity to discover new paths and even embrace uncertainty.
Freeing us from the pain caused by things not going according to plan.
As I said at the start.
We're not trying to eliminate expectations,
Just soften them.
Allow other outcomes to be possible,
And ease the pressure on ourselves.
With that ease comes more happiness,
More joy,
Less frustration,
Less disappointments.
And isn't that the ultimate goal we would all like to accomplish during our time here?
I can say for me,
It has helped tremendously to let go of the need to control or predict every aspect of my life.
I do hope some of these suggestions can help you let go of life's many expectations.
Thank you so much for listening.
Until next time,
Remember,
I love you.
