Welcome to sleep stories with Steph your go-to podcast.
That offers you a calm and relaxing transition.
Into a great night's sleep.
It is time to relax and fully let go.
There is nothing you need to be doing now.
And know where you need to go.
Close your eyes.
And feel yourself sink into the support beneath you.
And let all the worries of the day go.
Drift away.
This is your time.
And your space.
Take a deep breath in through your nose.
And let it out with a long sigh.
That's it!
There is nothing you need to be doing now.
And know where you need to go.
Happy listening.
Chapter 17 lying to Cecil.
He was bewildered.
He had nothing to say.
He was not even angry,
But stood with a glass of whiskey between his hands,
Trying to think what had led her to such a conclusion.
Lucy had chosen the moment before bed,
When in accordance with her bourgeois habit,
She always dispensed drinks to the men.
Freddy and Mr Floyd were sure to retire with their glasses,
While Cecil invariably lingered sipping at his while she locked up the sideboard.
I'm very sorry about it,
" she said.
I have carefully thought things over.
We are too different,
Cecil.
I must ask you to release me and try to forget there was ever such a foolish girl.
It was a suitable speech but she was more angry than sorry and her voice showed it.
Different how?
I haven't had a really good education for one thing,
" she continued,
Still on her knees by the sideboard.
My Italian trip came too late and I'm forgetting all I learned there.
I shall never be able to talk to your friends or behave as a wife of yours should.
I don't understand you.
You are like yourself,
Lucy.
You're tired.
She retorted.
That is exactly like you,
Cecil.
You always think women don't mean what they say.
You sound tired as if something's worried you.
What if I do?
It doesn't prevent me from realizing the truth.
I can't marry you and you will thank me for saying so someday.
You had that bad headache yesterday.
I see it's much more than headaches,
But.
.
.
Give me a moment's time.
Cecil closed his eyes.
You must excuse me if I say stupid things,
But my brain has gone to pieces.
Part of it lives three minutes back when I was sure you loved me.
And the other part,
I find it difficult.
I'm likely to say the wrong thing.
Extract Lucy Cecil was not behaving so badly and her irritation increased She desired a struggle,
Not a discussion.
To bring on the crisis,
She said.
There are days when one sees clearly Cecil and this is one of them.
Things must come to a breaking point sometime and it happens to be today.
If you want to know,
Quite a little thing decided me to speak to you when you wouldn't play tennis with Freddy.
I never do play tennis,
Said Cecil painfully bewildered.
I never could play.
I don't understand a word you say.
Can play well enough to make up a four.
I thought it abominably selfish of you.
No,
I can't.
Well,
Never mind the tennis.
Why couldn't you have warned me if you felt anything wrong?
You talked about a wedding at lunch.
At least you may let me talk.
I knew you wouldn't understand,
" said Lucy quite crossly.
I might have known there would have been these dreadful explanations.
Of course it isn't the tennis.
That was only the last straw.
I have been feeling like this for weeks.
Surely it was better not to speak until I felt certain.
Often before I have wondered if I was fitted for your wife.
For instance in London.
And are you fitted to be my husband?
I don't think so.
You don't like Freddy,
Nor my mother.
There was always a lot against our engagement,
Cecil,
But all our relations seemed pleased and we met so often.
And it was no good mentioning it until.
.
.
Well,
Until all things came to a point,
And they have today.
I say clearly I must speak and that is all.
I cannot think you were right,
" said Cecil gently.
I cannot tell why,
But though all you say sounds true,
I feel you're not treating me fairly.
It's all too horrible.
What's the good of a scene?
No good,
But surely I have a right to hear a little more.
Cecil put down his glass and opened the window.
From where she knelt,
Jangling her keys,
Lucy could see a slit of darkness.
And peering into it,
As if she would tell him that little more,
His long thoughtful face.
Don't open the window.
And you'd better draw the curtain too,
Freddy or anyone might be outside.
Cecil Abade.
I really think we'd better go to bed if you don't mind.
I shall only say things that will make me unhappy afterwards.
As you say Cecil,
It's all too horrible and it's no good talking.
But to Cecil,
Now he was about to lose her.
Lucy seemed each moment more desirable.
He looked at her instead of through her for the first time since they were engaged.
From a Leonardo,
She had become a living woman,
With mysteries and forces of her own,
With qualities that even eluded art.
His brain recovered from the shock and in a burst of genuine devotion he cried,
But I love you and I did think you loved me.
I did not.
She said,
I thought I did at first.
I'm sorry and I ought to have refused you this last time too.
Cecil began to walk up and down the room.
And Lucy grew more and more vexed at his dignified behaviour.
She had counted on his being petty.
It would have made things much easier.
But by a cruel irony,
She was drawing out all that was finest in his disposition.
You don't love me,
Evidently,
" said Cecil.
I dare say you're right not to,
But it would hurt a little less if I knew why.
Because.
.
.
A phrase came to Lucy and she accepted it.
You're the sort who can't know anyone intimately.
A horrified look came into his eyes.
I don't mean exactly that.
But you will question me though I beg you not to and I must say something.
It is that more or less.
When we were only acquaintances you let me be myself,
But now you're always protecting me.
Her voice swelled.
I won't be protected.
I will choose for myself what is ladylike and right.
To shield me is an insult.
Can't I be trusted to face the truth?
But I must get it second-hand through you.
A woman's place?
You despise my mother,
I know you do,
Because she's conventional and bothers over puddings.
But,
Oh,
Goodness!
Conventional Cecil?
She rose to her feet.
You are that,
For you may understand beautiful things but you don't know how to use them and you wrap yourself up in art and books and music and would try to wrap me up too.
I will not be stifled,
Not by the most glorious music,
But people are more glorious,
And you hide them from me.
That's why I break off my engagement.
You were alright as long as you kept to things.
But when you came to people.
.
.
She stopped.
There is a pause.
Then Cecil said with great emotion.
It is true.
True on the whole,
She corrected.
Full of some vague shame.
True every word.
It is a revelation.
It is.
.
.
Aye.
Anyhow,
Those are my reasons for not being your wife.
Anyhow,
Those are my reasons for not being your wife.
Cecil repeated,
The sort that can know no one intimately.
It is true.
I fell to pieces the very first day we were engaged.
I behave like a cat to Beeb and to your brother.
You're even greater than I thought.
Lucy withdrew a step.
I'm not going to worry you.
Cecil continued,
You're far too good to me.
I shall never forget your insight and dear I only blame you for this.
You might have warned me in the early stages before you felt you wouldn't marry me.
And so have given me a chance to improve.
I have never known you till this evening.
I have just used you as a peg for my silly notions of what a woman should be.
But this evening you are a different person.
New thoughts,
Even a new voice.
What do you mean by a new voice?
Asked Lucy,
Seized with uncontrollable anger.
I mean that a new person speaks through you.
Said he.
Lucy lost her balance.
If you think I'm in love with someone else,
You're very much mistaken.
Of course I don't think that.
You're not that kind,
Lucy.
Oh yes,
You do think it.
It's your old idea.
The idea that has kept Europe back.
That women are always thinking of men.
If a girl breaks off her engagement,
Everyone says she had someone else on her mind.
It's disgusting,
Brutal,
As if a girl can't break it off for the sake of freedom.
Cecil answered reverently.
I may have said that in the past but I shall never say it again.
Lucy began to redden.
And pretend to examine the windows again.
Of course there's no question of someone else in this or jilting or any such nauseous stupidity.
I beg your pardon,
Most humbly,
If my words suggested there was,
" said Cecil.
Alright Cecil,
That will do.
Don't apologise to me,
It was my mistake.
Is a question between ideals,
Yours and mine.
I must actually thank you for what you have done,
For showing me what I really am.
Solemnly,
I thank you for showing me what a true woman is.
Will you shake hands?
Of course I will,
Said Lucy,
Twisting up her other hand in the curtains.
Goodnight Cecil.
Goodbye.
That's alright,
I'm sorry about it.
Thank you very much for your gentleness.
Let me light your candle,
Shall I?
They went into the hall.
Thank you.
Good night again and God bless you,
Lucy.
Goodbye Cecil.
Lucy watched him steal upstairs while the shadows from three banisters passed over her face like the beat of wings.
On the landing he paused strong in his renunciation and gave her a look of memorable beauty.
For all his culture Cecil was an ascetic at heart and nothing in his love became him like the leaving of it.
Lucy now knew she could never marry.
In the tumult of her soul,
That stood firm.
Cecil believed in her and she must someday believe in herself.
She must be one of the women whom she had praised so eloquently,
Who care for liberty and not for men.
She must forget that George loved her,
That George had been thinking through her and gained her this honourable release.
That George had gone away into,
What was it?
The darkness.
She put out the lamp.
It did not do to think.
Or,
For that matter,
To feel.
She gave up trying to understand herself and joined the vast armies of the benighted.
Who follow neither the heart nor the brain and march to their destiny by catchwords.
The armies are full of pleasant and pious folks.
But they have yielded to the only enemy that matters.
The Enemy Within.
They have sinned against passion and truth,
And vain will be their strife after virtue.
As the years pass,
They are censured.
Their pleasantry and their piety show cracks,
Their wit becomes cynicism,
Their unselfishness hypocrisy.
They feel and produce discomfort wherever they go.
They have sinned against Eros and against Pallas Athena and not by any heavenly intervention.
But by the ordinary course of nature those allied deities will be avenged.
Lucy entered this army when she pretended to George she did not love him.
And pretended to Cecil she loved no one.
The knight received her.
As it had received Miss Bartlett.
30 years before.
