When Your Identity No Longer Fits | SFTS Ep17

There comes a moment when the identity that carried us through life no longer feels like home. In this reflection, I explore what happens when old roles, masks, and survival strategies begin to fall away, and why this isn't a crisis but an invitation into becoming. If you're navigating uncertainty, transition, or the feeling that you've outgrown who you used to be, this episode is for you.

Transcript

Good morning. Good evening. Good afternoon. Wherever you may be, Whatever you may be doing, Hello and welcome. My name is Tanuru Mundaorara. I am a. . . Teacher on InsideTimer. And thank you so much for joining. Today, I want to talk about. . . Identity. And it's quite apt that identity. Well, It's not apt. I mean, Identity is what I'm really kind of feeling at the moment. With the course coming out, With the guide coming out. I've started to go back into coaching so I've just replied to someone who's asked if they'd if I'd help them with, Well, Help them if I'd do some coaching with them. Her parents. And I've been away from coaching. For a long time, Probably about two years, Deliberately. I still don't know how I feel about that word coaching. Mentoring is probably the one that I most. Resonate with. And My identity. Is getting clearer and clearer. And more and more certain. So today we're talking about identity. I start by saying. . . For me? I said this a bit last time we were together. And maybe you can relate. I woke up figuratively one day and realized For such a long time I'd been chasing the word. And one day I woke up and just realized that I hadn't been thinking about being happy. I hadn't been wanting to be happy. I hadn't been chasing being happy. I just simply was, I was just simply at peace. And. . . I find myself now. Realizing that the person that I had wanted to be back, But previously. Doesn't feel, I don't feel like that person anymore. Almost like. . . Been wearing a mask that fit perfectly for such a long time. But now I just feel so uncomfortable. It feels. Tight and sweaty and uncomfortable. And I just. Quite simply. Don't like it anymore. I don't like that mask, That mask just feels. . . Not right. And. . . I don't know, I mean, Perhaps it's something that you can relate to, Maybe it's not. But today what I want to talk about for me right now is just being one of the most important things. Important realizations that I've had in a while. About who I am right now. And how I am engaging with other people, Family, Friends, Wife. And I'm hoping to kind of. . . With your help explore. What happens and what is happening. When identity, The identity that we've built, And some might say even that pot. Or those parts. That have gotten you here, Where you are right now. No longer serve. Where you are and where you're going. And how that feels. For me, Here's the thing about identity. It's something that. . . We spend. So much of our time and our lives. You know, If you're in the corporate space. Right, You have your identity, You have your. . . Work persona you know you have your If you're self-employed, You have that identity which you have when you're around your customers or your clients. If you're a parent, There's an identity that you have when you are with your partner or with your kids or. . . We have identities, You know, We've become the achiever, The caretaker. The strong one, The reliable one. The one who never breaks, The one who is always there. At the other end of a phone or a text. And speaking for self, For a while it worked. So I thought. And that identity got me through college. It got me a job. Um. . . It gains and earns me respect in that job. It makes people say, Wow. All that you've accomplished. Look at all the things that you've done. But then. . . And I'm feeling it now, Something shifts. It starts off as being something very subtle at first. Quiet discomfort of feeling that. I'm performing a role. Instead of being. Or maybe it's sudden. A breakup, A burnout. Some traumatic event. That cracks the foundation wider. And you realize that this version of me This person, This version that has gotten me here, That's supported and maintained me for so long, Just simply doesn't fit anymore. There's something that. . . Nobody tells you about that moment. That discomfort, That feeling of. . . Not quite fitting into your old life. For me, It was stark. I mean, I can truly and totally attest to the fact that I had You know, What's popularly known as the Dark Knight of the Soul. And I'm glad to say that I came out on the other side of it. But it was intense. This is something that people don't see. It isn't a breakdown. It's not failure. It's not me losing myself. It's me actually finding. Myself. It's you finding yourself. It's finding self because the identity that we built was never who we truly were. Or wear. It was a shell. Protective shell. A strategy to survive, A way to navigate a world that asks. Me to be something other than me. Self other than me, Other than who I am. And that's what all that discomfort and that anxiety and all of that. Part of it what that was. And now that that shell has cracked and is open, Not because. . . You're broken, But because. . . We're ready. The shell is cracking because we're ready. Everything that we've done. The therapy, The coaching, The meditation. Retreats. I truly believe that all of that. . . Has been working to getting you to a point. To this point, Don't get me wrong. I hasten to say I'm not arrogant enough to sit and say, Think or believe that it's all about, You know, This conversation. No. And I believe that at all. It's gotten you to this point whereby you are more receptive to that course. That. That podcast, That conversation, That relationship. Because what's happening under there? There's a part of you and that part that's been performing, Achieving, People-pleasing. Holding it all together. Is exhausted. It's been carrying a weight that was never ours to carry from the beginning. And there's also another part of you, The one that's being quiet. And that's been quiet for such a long time and that part is finally speaking up and it's saying hey I'm here. And I need you to come back. This happens at whatever age. 57, 47, 37, 27, 17. And know that there's nothing wrong with us. As you go through this, You're not having a crisis, You're not falling apart. Like a snake you're shedding. You're shedding a skin that's protected you and kept you safe through that grass. But now? You realize that the version of yourself that was built to adapt to survive. Is being released. And then release. I don't know how long it'll take. Or if it's even started. But that release happens so that the version that's meant to thrive can finally emerge. I listened to. . . A meditation. Of the weekend. I don't know if I've actually listened to that meditation before, I'm sure I have, But It landed completely differently for me this time. It touched my soul. And I truly heard the words. What I took from it. God's permission. We're allowed to outgrow. Who we've become. We're allowed to let go of the identity that no longer serves us, Even if it's the one Everyone knows you as. And it's hard. It's really hard. I am. Navigating that at this very moment. Who I was is not who I am. However, The relationships that I have, Some are based on who I was. And that's difficult to navigate. We're allowed to let go of them. You're allowed to say. . . I don't know who I am right now. And that's okay. And I'll add to that. Who are allowed to say that I don't know who I am right now. But it's not who I was. And that's okay. Because the truth is. . . You're not supposed to know. You're in the space between who you were. . . And who you are becoming. And as I found out on Friday, Friday? It was Friday night. That space is sacred. Truly, Truly sacred. And what I've learned. Both from my own journey and from walking alongside others. Through our collective. Journeys and fears. And when your identity no longer fits, It's because. . . You've been abandoning yourself for so long. You've been turning away from the parts that didn't fit the image. Whatever that image was, Whatever that identity was, You were turning away from those parts. The part that wanted to rest when the world said to push hard, The part that wanted to create when the world said to be practical, The part that wanted peace. When the world said. Be strong. That want to be soft. In the world-rewarded hardness. When those parts were exiled, They were locked away. They're knocking. And many of you who've been on this journey alongside me. When we started last year reading No Bad Parts. You'll bear witness to this, Maybe not fully. Those parts started knocking very loud last year. Very loud. And this staying saying. We're still here. And we're not going anywhere. So instead of running from this discomfort, I've got a question. Please. In the comments. Write an answer. I've got a question, The question is. . . Instead of running from this discomfort. What if you turn toward it? Or if you asked, What part of me have I been ignoring? What have I been pretending not to see or not to need? Who would I be if I stopped performing? You don't need to answer those questions. Those are just. . . I just put one word in the comment section. Instead of running from the discomfort. What if you turn toward it? What would happen. Jess, No, It wasn't my room service. It was me. CGI, Friend, CGI. Would be uncomfortable. Yeah, Jess. Or if it wasn't. What if on the other side of that discomfort? Was peace. Just one to think about. And to think about it because The truth is. . . I think. The identity. We built was never meant to be permanent. It was scaffolding. Snake skin. And now that we've. . . Traversed through that. Cold winter? That hot summer. Now that the structure is built. The scaffolding can come down. The skin can be shit. Because when we let go of who we thought we had to be. We make space. We make space for who we actually are. Ah, And. . . I'm really enjoying and loving who I actually am. And who you actually are, That person is whole. That person is enough, That person is complete. A person has always been there waiting quietly. In the wings. Away from the noise. This is what it feels like to come back to yourself to know that you will never abandon you and you are back with you. To your home. If you are in that space right now, If your identity no longer fits, The mask is sweaty and uncomfortable, Let me tell you this, You're not lost. You're not broken, You're not behind, You're exactly where you need to be. And what comes next isn't something you need to figure out. It's something you need to simply allow. To allow the old to fall away. Give way. And to allow the uncertainty and to allow yourself to not know. To allow yourself to be discomfort. To be uncomfortable, That's the word. Because in that not knowing, In that space, Where we need to surrender something new is already beginning. To be born. Has a great journey. One that I thoroughly love and enjoy. I just want to simply say thank you for being here. I want you to take away from this today this feeling. And give yourself permission. To hear these words. You are seen. You are enough. And you are home. Thank you.

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R. Holiday said in his book title" Obstacle is the way". We adapt to our environment in order to survive and thrive. We will never truly meet ourselves unless we understand our parts and where they are coming from. Acceptance is the key to equilibrium. Beautiful start of my day Tari. Thank you!