Good morning.
Good evening.
Good afternoon.
Wherever you may be.
Or if you may be doing,
Hello and welcome.
Today we're going to talk about being strong.
And It's something which.
.
.
I've.
.
.
Experience the Fairmount.
I'll start today talking about.
A version.
A version of strength being strong that's slowly chipping away at you.
Chipping away at me,
Chipping away at all of us.
And the worst part is.
.
.
It's often applauded.
There are many different terms for it.
Some call it being resilient,
Some call it being capable.
Some call it being a hard worker,
Some call it being strong,
The strong one.
The reliable one.
Person to get stuff done.
But what often people don't see or appreciate or acknowledge Often when this happens,
When we're doing this,
We're not being strong.
You just.
.
.
Really good at not needing anything.
And there's a cost to that.
There's a very definite cost to that.
So let me paint a picture.
You are the person.
People call.
When things fall apart,
When there's an issue,
When there's a crisis.
You're the one who holds it together when everyone and everything else is falling apart.
You're the one who doesn't complain.
Doesn't ask for help.
Doesn't burden anyone with.
What you carry.
And somewhere along the line.
This becomes your identity.
You're the strong one.
What nobody tells you about being strong.
Is that it's often not actually strength.
It's.
.
.
Survival.
Protection.
It's a part of you that learned.
A long time ago.
In you needing something?
There was a danger associated with it.
At being vulnerable.
Open the door to being heard.
Or showing weakness.
Led to being abandoned and rejected.
You donned this armor.
And It's an armor which allowed you to.
.
.
Control the outcome.
It's the armor which allowed you to Be the protector,
The savior.
Of situations of people.
And it's an armor that's been being worn for so long that.
.
.
You've now blended with it and you've forgotten that it was armor.
And you've forgotten about.
What actually lies.
Underneath.
That armor.
Who the real person is.
So.
.
.
The hidden cost of always being strong.
There's a number of things.
The first is.
.
.
Connection.
When you're always the strong one.
And if.
.
.
You're constantly Hiding.
That vulnerable side of you.
You.
You.
Don't give people the opportunity.
To see the real you.
They see a role that you're playing,
An identity that you've created,
That you're living to.
And they just simply see the strong one.
The person who has it all together,
The person who doesn't need anything,
The person who's fine.
But they don't see the one who's tired,
The one who's scared.
And the one who sometimes doesn't know how to keep going.
And in those relationships?
Relationships,
Emotional relationships,
Connection.
Having that.
Damage.
Means that The people who you love.
Or around.
Your partner in particular.
Can't really love.
What they can't see.
So you end up having a dance.
And depending on how they're.
.
.
Presenting themselves.
If they're not being authentic,
You end up having a dance with two masks.
Entities,
To masked individuals.
And the clashes that you have,
The disconnections that you get.
To misunderstandings.
They're all from a place.
Off.
Inauthenticity,
If that's a word,
It is now.
Um.
.
.
And It really starves you of that opportunity for connection.
And secondly,
It costs you your body.
Because strength.
The kind that never rests,
Never softens,
Never lets down,
Is always on the go.
That kind of strength lives in your nervous system.
As chronic tension.
Stress.
It lives in your jaw,
Your shoulders,
Your chest,
Your gut,
Your back,
Your hips.
And your body is just holding what your mind won't let you feel.
And inevitably,
And eventually,
Your body will make you listen.
Whether that's true.
Constant colds,
Illnesses.
.
.
Back pain,
Knee pain.
Gut issues,
Whatever it is.
Your body will say,
Hey.
Enough is enough.
I can't handle this anymore.
And then the third one.
And maybe the deepest cost.
Is that it costs you.
It costs you because underneath all of that strength,
That armor,
The performance,
The holding it together.
There's a part of you that's been.
.
.
Waiting.
Waiting to be seen.
To be heard,
To be understood.
Waiting for someone to say.
.
.
I see what you're doing.
I appreciate what you're doing.
You don't have to be strong right now,
You can rest.
And this is The Thing.
I spend a lot of time.
A lot of time.
Saying.
Questioning or even saying it to people,
You know,
Don't you see what it is that I'm doing?
Or don't you hear?
You're not hearing what I'm saying.
But the most was this feeling of not.
.
.
Being seen.
And then.
.
.
On the back of a lot of things.
Coaching,
Therapy,
Whatever it is,
Whatever it was.
They came in understanding then.
Until.
.
.
I do the work.
And learn to see myself.
Nobody else can do that for me.
I had to spend the time to actually see myself.
To create that connection.
Reliance on self.
That's self-reliance.
Let me also be clear that none of this is anybody's fault.
Nobody.
.
.
Chose to be this way.
It's a learned trait.
Because somewhere in.
.
.
Our story,
Your story,
My story,
Maybe you were.
The oldest child,
The only child.
Maybe you were.
The only Boy in a class of girls,
Only girl in a class of boys,
Or.
.
.
Different hair colour,
Skin colour,
Whatever it was.
The something that.
.
.
Caused you to feel?
A bit like an outsider.
And the need to Compensate.
And this need to compensate.
And or maybe you had a parent who was emotionally unavailable.
And you learned that your needs were too much.
You couldn't be happy around them.
You couldn't be sad around it.
Maybe something happened that made you feel like if you weren't strong all the time,
You wouldn't survive.
So a part of you stepped up.
And a part of you said,
OK,
I'll handle this,
And I'll handle it by being strong.
By being the solutions person.
And I'll make sure that we're okay.
And that part has been running the show ever since.
And this isn't uncommon.
A lot of people are this way.
You just have to.
Take your pick of any kind of corporate environment and you'll find that.
See those people.
It's that part which.
.
.
Wakes you up at 3am making lists.
That says I'm fine when you're not fine.
It's that part that won't allow you to cry,
Won't let you rest,
Won't let you need anything,
Won't let you.
.
.
And allow you.
To rely on anybody other than yourself.
And it's a part that's trying to protect you.
It's been trying to protect you from the very beginning.
And that's actually going to be.
The title of the next Self Remains.
Enduring as opposed to enjoying.
And this part is protecting you,
And it's afraid that if you're not strong.
.
.
Something terrible will happen.
That you'll be abandoned,
That you'll be too much,
You'll be rejected,
You'll have no friends.
You lose your job,
You won't get a job.
You'll lose your partner,
You'll no longer be attractive to your partner,
And that life will just fall apart.
So it keeps you armored,
It keeps you moving,
It keeps you pushing forward,
It keeps you strong.
It's exhaustive.
You don't have to be in your 50s,
40s or 30s to be exhausted by it,
You can be in your 20s,
You can be in your teens to be exhausted by it.
Because when that part gets tired of carrying that burden.
.
.
You too get exhausted.
So.
Like you to consider something today.
Or do strengths look different?
What if real strength wasn't about?
Not breaking.
What if real strength was about being honest?
When you're struggling.
What if it was about asking for help when you needed the help?
What if it was about.
.
.
Being soft rather than constantly having a hard exterior.
Letting yourself be held.
Vulnerable.
Instead of always being the one that's holding everyone else.
And always being the one who's got.
The wall's up.
What if the strongest thing you could do was to soften?
I.
.
.
Start the f- course,
Well,
Started and completed a course last month.
And One of the things that the course talks about is about vulnerability.
And a number of other things as well.
We'll discuss at some point later.
But vulnerability is key.
And vulnerability isn't about being weak,
Isn't about surrendering,
Isn't about giving up.
It's about being.
Open and honest and primarily being open and honest with yourself.
At least that's what I see it as being.
And I can attest to the fact that.
Over these last 3,
4,
5 weeks.
On the back of this course.
I've had a lot more vulnerable conversations.
Dare I say it?
No,
I wouldn't even say that.
Both personal and professional.
And I carried out an experiment a couple of weeks ago and.
.
.
Again,
I'll talk about experiments.
Um.
.
.
In upcoming sessions.
And for seven days,
I just said that.
All the times I've had conversations with people.
In a personal space,
Personal capacity.
Rather than swallow what it is that I wanted to say at that moment in time,
I'm actually going.
To say it,
Be vulnerable.
And see what happens.
And the experiment was to do that consistently for seven days.
And on the back end of those seven days.
.
.
Some pretty amazing stuff has happened.
And it speaks to what I spoke about earlier on about.
.
.
Allowing.
People around you who care about you,
Who love you,
To see the real you.
And giving them the opportunity to engage with the real you.
By putting that armor down.
And letting go.
Will someone truly see me?
Lid.
Yourself.
Myself need something.
Was what really gave me the greatest.
Gains.
And to be honest.
Was really quite.
.
.
Mind-blowing what happened actually.
Other than the experiments,
How do you do this?
How do you soften without collapsing?
How do you remove the armor when it's been protecting you for such a long time?
And,
As ever.
.
.
For things.
The first thing,
Like so many things that I talk about.
One of them.
Being on my course.
Which I'll give a plug to now.
The what to do when you get triggered course.
I'll put a the card and the link to that.
If you haven't done it,
Please do consider it.
It's about just noticing.
Notice when that part of you that is that believes that it needs to be strong.
Is running this show.
You'll feel it in your body,
Your jaw will tighten,
Your shoulders will be up by your ears and your breath will start to be shallow.
And you'll hear it in your language,
I'm fine,
I've got it,
Don't worry about me.
I don't care.
I don't need it.
And just notice.
Notice.
When it happens.
You don't have to change it,
Just see it.
And maybe.
.
.
Perhaps.
Ask it.
What are you afraid would happen if I wasn't strong right now?
And just be quiet and just listen for the answer.
And in fact tomorrow.
We'll do the meditation which should actually is in support of today's.
Podcast talk.
And It'll be a practice which will speak and ask that very specific question.
So.
.
.
Yeah,
Tomorrow,
An hour after.
We're starting today.
So.
.
.
8.
30 Eastern,
I think we're on Eastern.
Going to do the meditation,
And the meditation is going to ask that question.
And the second thing.
.
.
And this one is important.
Thank that part.
Acknowledge it.
Accept it.
Bring it in from the cold,
From the shadow.
And give it a place around the table.
Because it is a part of you,
It's not.
An enemy is not an outcast.
And this is the thing,
I mean.
.
.
You hear a lot in this space people talking about the ego.
And in particular people talking about ego death.
I guess I used to subscribe to that as well.
And then.
.
.
When I realized that the ego was a part of me,
Which.
.
.
Like we're talking about today had been born on the back of trying to protect me.
In those environments that historically I'd been hurt in.
And they're trying to protect me going forward.
I realized that the purpose wasn't to kill the ego.
The aim was to understand,
Accept and embrace and bring the ego in.
And having done that.
.
.
I understand and see myself very differently than I did 18,
24 months ago.
And continue to.
Because the ego is an ally.
Not an adversary.
And that's why I say thank that pod,
Because that pod has been keeping you safe.
That part is the part that has gotten you those promotions.
Potentially even gotten you that partner.
Husband,
Boyfriend,
Girlfriend,
Wife.
Spouse.
And it's been preventing you equally from.
Being heard.
Or abandon.
So instead of fighting with it.
.
.
Instead of being frustrated that you can't just relax,
Appreciate it,
Acknowledge it and say,
Thank you.
Thank you for protecting me.
I see how hard you've been working.
I see how much you've been carrying.
And trust me when I say something shifts when you do this.
Because this part.
.
.
Has been demonized for so long.
Resented.
Ostracized.
But when you appreciate it,
It starts to trust that maybe it doesn't have to work so hard anymore.
And this comes back to what I was saying at the very beginning about being seen.
Me not feeling seen?
In my opinion.
Was me not being able to see and accept.
That egoic part of me.
And protect upon me.
And the more I accepted and the more that I saw.
And understood.
And took the time to engage and understand where it was coming from.
The more I was able to see myself and the less I needed.
My siblings,
My wife,
My.
.
.
Family,
Parents,
To see me.
And to acknowledge me.
Sits with me.
And this is where the healing.
Starts to happen.
Ask that protector part if you can go to the one it's been protecting.
Because underneath all the strength there's a younger.
More innocent part of you.
Perhaps it's the little boy,
The little girl who needed someone and no one came.
Perhaps it was the infant that cried in a cot.
And nobody responded.
Maybe it's the teenager who learned that needing something meant.
Being a burden.
Or the part of you that felt abandoned when you showed vulnerability.
Rejected when you're honest.
At part still there.
Still waiting for someone to say.
You don't have to be strong.
I've got you.
And the thing is.
.
.
This is the bit that I've realized,
It's this reparenting.
Because that someone that that part is waiting to hear from is you.
You have to be the one who goes to that part and says,
I see you.
I hear you,
I feel you,
I understand you.
And I'm here now.
You don't have to be afraid anymore.
You don't have to hold anymore.
I'm here.
And this is how you come home to yourself.
And the fourth.
Most practical.
Practice needing something small.
Because if you spent your whole life not needing anything,
This is going to feel terrifying.
So start small.
This is mine.
Time to start introducing.
That concept of experiments.
For seven days.
Every day.
Give yourself.
The goal,
Target,
Whatever word you want to use.
To ask for help and to receive support.
So ask someone to help you carry something.
Tell a friend you're having a hard day.
Make dinner for someone else.
Or if someone else makes dinner for you,
You make dinner for them.
And when that part of you that ordinarily would say,
I'm fine,
I've got it.
Let yourself receive.
Let yourself be seen in your need.
Allow yourself to be vulnerable in that moment.
And even if it's just once a day.
A time when you have the inclination to say,
I'm okay.
Even if you say the words,
Just catch yourself and stop.
And for seven days.
If you have,
Even if you have said those words,
I said,
Just stop.
And say.
.
.
I'm okay.
Give yourself that moment to pause.
And then correct yourself.
And tell that person.
How you truly feel.
And now,
Don't get me wrong,
Don't try this with.
.
.
You know,
The most narcissistic person at work.
No.
Tried and safe spaces.
People who you know love you.
And see what happens.
Do that for seven days.
And I really appreciate it.
Getting feedback on how that's been.
So please do.
Because.
.
.
In carrying out and conducting that.
Experiment for seven days.
It makes us human.
And it makes us available.
For connection.
That's key,
That's the key bit for me.
Because people can't love.
Nobody fell in love with a set of armour.
That's why you find sets of armors which have got nothing inside of them in new museums and.
.
.
Stately homes the world over.
What people see.
And connect and fall in love with.
Is the body inside of it.
This is what I want you to just take away from this,
That you don't.
Have to be strong anymore.
On the way that you've been.
Potentially doing it,
Seeing it.
You don't have to hold it all together.
You don't have to be the one everybody leans on.
Or you lean on nobody.
We lean on the wrong people.
You don't have to keep proving that you're capable,
That you're fine,
That you don't need anything,
Because the truth is.
.
.
Real strength.
Isn't in the Alma.
Real strength,
Real courage is in the softening.
Lies.
In the fullness of vulnerability.
It's in being honest when you're struggling.
It's in asking for help when you need it.
It's letting yourself be held and be heard.
And turning towards the parts of you that are tired and scared and hurting and saying,
You don't have to do this alone anymore.
And when you do that.
.
.
When you let that armor down,
You don't collapse.
You become whole.
You become complete.
And you start.
Journey towards.
Answering that question.
Am I enough?
Because you are.
You always have been and you always will be.
But that is a question that.
.
.
Always echoes within most people's minds.
Am I enough?
And those answers start by becoming.
Available for real connection.
Available for real rest,
Available for the life that you've been to.
Armored to protect it to receive.
So in closing.
I want you to hear these words again.
You have permission not from me.
Give yourself the permission.
To soften.
Allow yourself to need.
And allow yourself to be okay.
And with time,
The part that's been holding it all together.
Or learn to trust and know that it can rest because.
.
.
Is a deep you.
There's a self that's calm,
There's a self that's present,
There's a self that knows that it's enough.
And there's a self that can take over.
You don't have to be strong,
You just have to be honest.
Honest to those around you,
And importantly,
Honest to yourself.
That's the hard part.
That's the work.
But equally so,
That's where the enjoyment and the fun lies.
Thank you.
I hope that has helped.
I hope that makes sense.
And know that I'm always here walking with you.
