Good morning.
Good evening.
Good afternoon.
Wherever you may be.
Whatever you may be doing.
I am Thiru Mundawarra.
Teacher here on Inside Timer.
And a host of stories from the soul.
And if the boundary isn't right there in the idiom,
This.
.
.
Simple.
Why do so many of us keep climbing into circuses that were never ours to begin with.
The clarity is right there,
Not my circus,
Not my monkeys.
And much like I'll no longer set myself on fire.
There's a deal underneath it.
And that deal is one that nobody wrote down,
Nobody said it out loud,
But it's there.
If I step in,
I stay useful.
And if I stay useful.
.
.
I stay needed.
And if I stay needed,
I stay close.
Sound familiar?
Sounds exactly like.
The last episode.
And again,
Somewhere stitched into all of that.
Quietly is one more line.
And that line is.
.
.
And then I won't get left.
And it's that rejection,
Abandonment piece that keeps circling.
And keeps shouting down at us.
And you know the deal that I spoke about?
It made sense once.
And today I want to ask whether it still does.
Because there's a part of you,
And probably a part of me too,
That sees someone else's chaos.
And Stepson before.
.
.
Were even asked.
And that part steps in not because it wants to.
But it steps in because stopping.
And not getting in feels unsafe.
And why does that stopping feel unsafe?
And I want to name that part today.
And I'm sure we all know what I'm about to say.
About where it came from.
And what it's actually protecting.
And then I'd like to show you something you're allowed to do that most of us were never told was an option.
And this part learned somewhere along the way that being needed kept you close.
Had been useful,
Kept you loved.
That having some control over someone else's chaos was safer than standing outside it and watching,
Doing nothing.
So,
Of course.
This part exists in you.
And most of us were taught in one way or another.
That love is what you do for other people,
Not what you feel for yourself.
So when someone else's circus rolls into town.
Someone else's circus shows up loud.
Demanding.
That part in you doesn't see a choice.
That partner sees a job.
Now I want to be really clear about something before we go further.
This isn't talk about becoming cold or shutting people out.
Or building up barriers and walls.
It isn't about deciding other people's pain doesn't matter to you.
Because you can care about someone completely and still not pick up their monkeys.
Those two things aren't in conflict.
It just doesn't feel that way when that part of you is running the show.
And this came up really quickly.
Interestingly.
Quite loudly this week.
It's on a group chat with my siblings.
M.
My brother.
Brought something up about how he'd had a conversation with someone.
And he really didn't feel Well,
Let's say he was conflicted in how he felt.
And again.
Just like me and perhaps just like yourselves.
I'll give you a story closer to home,
You know,
A few years back.
Someone close to me was going through something.
And.
.
.
They would typically always call me.
Win.
A triggering event for them had happened.
And without even deciding to.
I'd rearrange my day,
My evening,
My week around the crisis.
And answer messages in the middle of the night.
Carry their mood into my own mornings,
And at some point I realized that they hadn't even asked me to do any of it.
I'd climbed into this.
Of my own volition.
And again.
Like my brother this week.
When he didn't respond?
In the way that that other person does.
Potentially wanted him to respond in.
And when I finally stepped back.
The strange part.
Wasn't really guilt.
It was relief.
Which told me something about what I'd actually been protecting the whole time.
Think of a circus you've been standing in lately.
Not yours.
Someone else's miss,
Someone else's unmade decision that you somehow ended up holding.
And let's just notice it.
Bring it to mind.
Be it.
A relative,
A friend,
A colleague.
Bring that circus to mind.
And with it in mind.
Just quite simply ask the part.
Of you that stepped in one question.
And that question isn't,
Why do you do this?
That question isn't what's wrong with you.
The question is just.
.
.
What are you afraid would happen if you stopped stepping in?
What are you afraid would happen if you stopped stepping in?
And what comes up.
It might be something like.
.
.
They'll think I don't care.
Or it'll fall apart without my involvement or something quieter,
Something like if I stop.
I won't matter to them anymore.
If I stop.
I will be.
Not as useful.
And just allow those words Just allow that part.
To speak to you now.
And whatever comes up,
Don't argue with it.
Don't argue with it right now.
To simply notice that it's there.
That fear isn't irrational to the part holding it.
It has been protecting something.
For a very long time.
But today,
We don't need an agenda to fix it right now.
There isn't an urgency to move it along,
There's nothing to do here.
Notice.
Notice what that question does.
And where it does it,
In your chest,
In your stomach,
In your throat.
Because there's ever that noticing right there.
Is the beginning of the work.
And let's take this into the body just for a brief moment.
And if you're able to.
Just slow down.
Feel free to close your eyes.
Soften your gaze if you'd like.
Driving a need to.
Pay attention to something.
Just soften.
And look inwards.
And bring to mind that circus.
That weight you've been carrying,
That.
Was never yours to carry.
Notice where it lives.
Notice what it means.
Sorry,
Not what it means.
Just where in your body is it?
I feel a tightening in your shoulders,
In your upper back,
Your neck.
Maybe your throat.
Wherever it is,
Just breathe into that place.
Not to move it along,
Not to fix it,
Just to keep it company for a moment.
Now as you breathe,
Ask that part in that place a simple question.
Is this mine?
Not is it real.
Not does it matter.
Just is it mine to carry?
And whatever that answer is,
Let it be true.
What is yours,
You can keep.
What isn't,
You don't have to decide anything about right now,
Just notice.
For the single breath that you are allowed to put it down.
So take that deep breath in.
And on the exhale from your mouth,
Allow your shoulders to drop.
Let your jaw soften.
And quietly say in your mind,
This is not mine to carry.
This is not mine to carry.
Keep repeating it.
If you need to.
And I won't tell you what to do with that circus.
Whether you stay in it,
Step back.
Something shifts slowly over time,
That's not a question that I can answer for you.
But I'll leave you with this.
We can't hold fear and wonder at the same time.
We can't hold fear and wonder at the same time.
So the next time you feel that pull to step into someone else's chaos,
And before you do that,
Just get curious.
Not about the situation,
Not about the person.
But about the part of you that's about to move.
And be curious and ask,
What does it think will happen?
If it doesn't.
And listen with wonder to the answer.
Let it sit.
And in fact,
Let it be a question.
As opposed to a problem to solve.
What does it think will happen if it doesn't step in?
And I asked my brother,
Ask them that question.
For him to ask that part,
Is it mine?
And the answer was no.
That was the answer that he got back,
That that wasn't his.
And equally so,
I'll never forget it.
Sitting on a couch.
I think it was about two in the morning.
And thinking to myself,
Is this problem mine?
Maybe not in those words,
But.
.
.
There was just such a dawning and a realisation that.
.
.
This hadn't got anything to do with me.
So here's the circus.
And here's what I'd like to leave you with.
You're allowed to care about someone and still not climb it.
You're allowed to love someone and still let their monkeys be theirs.
That's not abandonment,
That's not coldness,
That's you finally no longer confusing being needed.
With being loved.
And like I said,
It doesn't mean that.
You lock them out.
It's an energy shift.
And one of the things actually which I said to my siblings is that.
.
.
All too often.
Are taking on.
Of other people's circus and other people's monkeys.
In my opinion,
Is typically what ends up.
Creating.
Generational burdens.
Is belief that.
To be a good husband,
Wife,
Father,
Daughter,
Son,
Mother.
You have to carry someone else's burden,
Someone else's pain.
And in not doing that,
There's something wrong with you.
And.
.
.
What ends up happening is we end up carrying energy that doesn't.
.
.
Belong to us.
What ends up happening is we end up.
.
.
Keeping our power external from us.
This was a relatively short one today.
And I hope that that resonated.
Because.
.
.
You know,
The moment you actually.
.
.
Try what we've done.
The moment you don't step into the circus,
That part is going to get loud.
It's going to feel like something terrible is about to happen.
And that moment of triggering is exactly what this course is built for.
So thank you.
As ever,
Deep bows to you all.
Thank you for being here.
And remember that you are seen,
You are enough.
In your home.
Thank you,
Everybody.
