Saying Yes When You Mean No?

Someone asks you for something, and before you have checked how you feel, you hear yourself say yes.
Later you feel tired, a little resentful, and mostly annoyed with yourself. This talk looks at why saying no feels so hard for so many of us, where that pattern usually comes from, and what we quietly teach other people every time we agree to something we did not want. It also offers a different way to think about boundaries, one that feels less like pushing people away. There is one simple practice at the end, in two small steps, that you can use the very next time someone asks. Suitable for anyone who finds it hard to say no.

Transcript

Someone asks you, Can you take this on? Can you come by on Saturday? Can you just have a quick look at this? And before you have even checked how you feel about it. You catch yourself saying. Yes, Of course. No problem. But later, You're tired, A little resentful, Maybe a bit annoyed with them, But mostly annoyed with yourself. Because you knew in the moment. That you did not want to say yes. Every one of us. May have gone through something similar. And this is where we need to talk about boundaries. Because every one of us has boundaries. They are the lines that decide how we treat ourselves and how we let other people treat us. The tricky part is that you cannot see them. A fence around a garden is easy to notice. Boundary lines are invisible. So most of us never really look at where our boundaries are. If you find it hard to say no, You may believe that is simply who you are. The helpful one. The easy one. The one who does not make a fuss. But that is not a personality trait. It is a pattern. And most of us learnt this pattern very early by watching the people who raised us. Nobody sat us down and taught us about how to create boundaries. It is not something they teach in school. There is one more piece and that is the one that matters most here. Without meaning to, We teach people how to treat us. If you have never said what is not okay with you, The people around you have no way of knowing. They are not being unkind. They are working with the only information they have. And that information Serves! You are always going to say yes. So the requests keep coming. And each yes, You did not mean, Takes a little of your energy. Energy you were hoping to spend on things that matter to you. So here's something to consider. A boundary is not a wall you put up against people. It is information that you give them. Think about going to a dinner at your friend's house. You tell them, I do not eat meat. Nobody hears that as an attack. Nobody thinks you're rejecting them or their cooking. They are glad you said so. Now they know how to look after you. A boundary works the same way. I cannot take that on this way. I'm not comfortable with that. I need to leave by 6. You're not pushing anyone away by establishing your boundaries. You're telling them where you are so they can meet you where you are. And that is not selfish. It is honest. It is one of the kindest things you can do for yourself and for the people you are interacting with. People would much rather know where they stand than find out later that you were quietly resentful. It also helps to know this. When you start, It may feel uncomfortable. You may worry about how you come across, What others will think, Whether they are going to be upset. Set. Some people might be at first. And that is allowed. Their feelings are real and they are theirs. You can be kind about them without changing your answer. So how do you practice this? Here are two small steps. First, Buy yourself a pause. Most unwanted guesses happen in the first two seconds of someone asking something of you. So the next time someone asks you for something, Do not answer straight away. Use one sentence instead. Let me check and come back to you. Let me check and come back to you. That's it. You have not said no. You have only made room to notice how you actually feel. In that room, Check your body. A tight chest, A small sinking feeling. That is often your answer, Before your head has got up. The second step? Practice one sentence before you need it. Choose one. It could be I am not comfortable with that or I cannot take that on right now or I don't feel good about it. Say it out loud a few times on your own. While you are in the shower, Alone in the car. And it might sound strange at first. But that is the whole point. You're making the words familiar. So they are there when you need them. Then, This week, Use it once. Somewhere small. Not the biggest relationship in your life, Just one small no that you mean. Notice what happens. Very often, The other person simply says, Okay, And you are left wondering why you were so worried. One important note, If someone keeps ignoring a boundary you have already stated, Or if you ever feel unsafe with someone, That is more than this practice can hold. So please talk to someone you trust or to someone trained to help. Remember, You're not too nice. You have just never been taught that your no is allowed. It is, And the people who matter will be glad to know where you stand. So the next time, Buy yourself a short pause, Practice your sentence and say one small no that you mean.

Reviews

"Setting boundaries" this is a much needed approach. Thank you for reminding me of what it can do.