Understanding Anger And Resentment In Relationships

16:41

Understanding Anger And Resentment In Relationships

by Michelle Farris

Rated

5

Type

talks

Activity

Meditation

Suitable for

Everyone

Plays

7

In this session, we talk about all things related to anger and resentment and how you can manage angry emotions in a healthy way. We'll also cover why codependency and people-pleasing create anger problems too. It's easy to see rage as a problem, but most people don't realize that stuffing your emotions isn't ideal either. Learn how you can control anger and deal with resentment here with me!

Anger Codependency Emotional Awareness Boundary Setting Self Compassion Stress Conflict Avoidance Anger Management Resentment Management Stress Management

Meet your Teacher

Michelle Farris

San Jose, CA, USA

Meet your Teacher

Michelle Farris

San Jose, CA, USA

Transcript

So, Most people actually don't see themselves as angry because there's a lot of different ways we can do anger in a dysfunctional or unhealthy way that's become super, Super common. Here's what I'm going to cover today. I'm going to cover why most people don't recognize their anger, And then what does hidden anger look like? And these are also signs that you may have an anger issue. And let's face it, Most of us are going to relate to some of them. And then what you can do about it today. A little bit about me and my own history of anger. I never thought I was angry. I grew up with somebody who raged. And as a result, What I did was I totally shut down my anger. And I said to myself, I am never going to do that to somebody. And I thought at the time it was actually a healthy option. I was so proud of myself as a kid, Like I'm not going to have any anger. But what ended up happening is I ended up stuffing it. How many of you were Actually stuffing your anger. You're not an exploder. You tend to be a stuffer because both of those are Extremes at opposite ends and what we want is we want to get to the middle Which is we want to be able to have our anger in a healthy way without blaming or shaming the other person Because the goal of anger management is not to not have your anger even babies are angry So I really want to reassure you that you are in the right place. If you have issues with anger, That's exactly exactly why I'm here. Okay, So let's talk about why you don't recognize your anger. The first one is people aren't taught to pay attention to it. If you grew up in a family where there was rage, There was abusive anger, Where people stuffed their feelings and were super sarcastic, You probably learned to avoid it or you ended up doing the same thing you learned because some kids end up acting out because they have so much emotion. Control it or they shut down. So those are some real typical things that happen. But in that we don't see the value of our anger and that's why we don't recognize it. And so many of my clients end up going through their day and they don't really pay attention to how stressed they are. They're busy living their life. You're trying so hard to just keep up with work, Family, Kids, Obligations. It's a lot. And we're not taught to pause and check in with yourself. The other reason that we have a hard time is that if we're not comfortable with anger, What happens is we end up swallowing it and it turns into resentment. Like for me when I started my personal growth at 21 I didn't relate to anger at all, But I definitely related to having resentment The reason we hold on to resentment and create them is it's easier, Right? If you grew up seeing anger as dangerous, Then we learn to avoid conflict and Resentment helps us do that because we don't have to say out. We're hurt. We don't have to do anything We just suck it up and then we create a negative story We tell everybody else about it because we need validation and some connection over it. But over time, That gets worse and worse and worse. Well, That's exactly why resentment is like right beneath anger. That's the second one people tend to feel more comfortable with. But the problem is, Is that we're not hurting others, But we're hurting ourselves. Because I know when I used to really sue in my resentments, I had a lot of internal stress going on because I kept regurgitating that story of what was done to me and that's where we get into trouble and that's where eventually it catches up with us and we have to deal with that resentment because it ends up actually destroying the relationship because we can no longer be with them. We can't pretend anymore. A lot of stuff happens like that. Now, Another reason why you don't, You may not recognize your anger is that if you are relating it all to codependency, People pleasing, Then anger looks different. You're not going to be outwardly angry. You may have resentment, It also may look like exhaustion, Like sarcasm, Like you may go along and you think you're okay and then all of a sudden something flies out of your mouth that you're like, Oops, I didn't mean to say that. Because when we're stuffing, It ends up leaking out in unhealthy ways. The other thing is that we pretend everything's fine when it isn't. So when we're resentful, The other person usually has no idea. And that's the hard part, Is that we think they should know that we're hurting, But often they don't because people are living their lives and they don't really remember, Right, What they did a week ago, A month ago, 10 years ago. But if it's alive and well in you, Then it needs to be healed. And I will say that you can absolutely heal your resentment all by yourself. You do not need the other person to change. We have to look at the story. We have to get better. Validation from the story, And we have to be willing to look at anything we did to contribute to that. You know, A lot of women in midlife, I notice, Get to the point where they've been caretakers, They've been wives, Mothers, All that stuff, And by the time they reach 50, 55, They're done, And they're mad, Because they haven't taken care of themselves. So if that's you, This is the right place to be too, Because Sometimes anger takes a while before we're aware of it being an issue. But that doesn't mean you're wrong. That just means, You know, You have those feelings for a reason. And that's why I'm such a big proponent of healthy anger, Because there is a way to do anger in a healthy way. And it is an emotion that's very, Very important because it tells us that something or someone has said or done something that's not OK with us. So it's that red flag that alerts us, Hey, Pay attention because something just happened that isn't right with you. When we're not taught healthy anger, Then we're either going to suck it up and opt out like I did, Or you're going to do what you learned. And we can't fault ourselves for that either, Because if we grew up watching unhealthy anger, Of course we're going to mimic that, Because there were no other role models to teach us anything different. So I think a lot of times with anger, We have to have compassion for ourselves. So the first is that you explode over little things. Happened and you're just like, Oh my God, That's so annoying, But it's kind of relatively minor. So you question yourself. Like it's not about the dishes not being done. Okay. It's about all the stressors that lead up to that. And that's why when you tend to be, Uh, There's three anger styles. This is the one that explodes in a rage, But the reason they do that is because they don't recognize their stress building. It looks like they're. Losing control in the heat of the moment by something minor, But that's actually not the case. So when we explode over little things, That tells me that there's an underlying Wave. Of emotion that isn't being dealt with, And that's really important. And the problem with the stuffer or the challenge is that some people do that for years, Right? You stuff it, Stuff it, Stuff it, And then all of a sudden, I don't know if you've had this experience, You'll say something and you're like, Uh-oh, I didn't mean to say that. So for me, Years ago, I was knee-deep in doing my recovery work, And I decided, I'm gonna tell a girlfriend. What they did that hurt my feelings, Right? I thought, I'm going to do this. I practiced. I was going to do my iMessage. It was all great. And then because I was stuffing my anger for years and years before that, I got on the phone. We had the conversation and all of a sudden I couldn't stick to the one thing that hurt. I had to go through all the laundry list of the last 15 years. And of course she felt attacked. It didn't go well. I was dumbfounded because I thought, Wow, I really handled that well, But I didn't realize that when you stuff your anger and you start deciding to let it out, You have to be really careful because you can very easily lose control of it and talk about the 20 years of hurt you have. And that's too much for one conversation. So it was a really good learning lesson for me. And maybe you guys sometimes, Maybe some of you can relate to that. We want to, That's the fawning response. I'll just apologize so that I stop the conflict. I totally get that. And it does backfire for sure because The truth is you don't need to apologize, But there's a reason you're doing that. Maybe you're trying to avoid the conflict. I would imagine that's probably it. But there are other things you can do. And part of this is being able to let the other person have their pain. And that's where detachment comes in. You know, Sometimes we really don't need to do anything. We can just sit and let that other person have their upset. I will say that sometimes when we do this work, The other person doesn't like the change. They don't like it when we start speaking up or changing our behavior. But honestly, That is such an important thing, Because to me, When I do a tool with a friend, Let's just say, Now most of my friends are already doing this work, So it's not necessarily an issue. But with a new friend, Right, The conflict is the test. Because if they can say to me, Yeah, I am open. I do want to hear why you're upset. If they're open and they're willing to look at their behavior, Like I'm willing to look at my part, Then far out. I have a friend. But if they automatically blame us for it and make us doubt ourselves and say, Well, You know what? No, And completely shut off, Then that's a really important sign that you may need to detach. The other hidden anger, What it looks like is you blame others for how you feel. This is super common because how many of us in childhood saw our parents blame, Right? Maybe they blamed us, Maybe they blamed each other. This is a very, Very common pattern. So if you tend to blame others, The other reason we end up doing this is they're in front of us, Right? We're looking at what somebody else is doing and having a reaction. So it's really easy in your mind to think, Well, They're causing me to feel this way. But that's not true because Everybody has different. Stimuli that upset them. If I'm not at choice for what I'm feeling, Then I'm in trouble. If I make it all about, Well, So-and-so said this, Of course we're going to have a reaction if somebody crosses our boundaries or says something mean. I'm not saying that that's not true. But how we respond is still up to us. Because if I respond in anger, With name-calling, With shaming that other person, Then I didn't really get very far. So it's really important to notice that. Lame is that match that lights up a conversation. Now the other match is and sign that there's hidden anger is that you tend to have a lot of negative thoughts. So you might have negative thoughts about yourself where you're criticizing yourself. You're saying things like, Oh my God, I was so stupid. Why did I say that? I'm being too sensitive. I shouldn't feel this way. Whatever that is. Or you have it with other people. Man, My partner's a nag. I can't believe what they keep telling me. They're just a blank, Right? Because in our head, We say nasty stuff. And most people don't recognize how nasty that conversation can get when you have anger issues. But most of us have that self-talk that's super private that we never say out loud. So it's really important to notice what's happening there. Because negative thoughts create negative reactions, Right? If I'm thinking, Oh my God, My husband is being such a pain in the butt, I'm immediately annoyed. But if I say to myself, You know what? I'm okay. I can handle this. It's not my problem. I'm good. But it's that simple way of shifting how you think. And there's an art to it. And there's tools around that that can really help. Negative thoughts are a huge sign of anger because they're so correlated. Okay, Let me go to the next one. Okay. So the next one this is really interesting. So a sign of hidden anger is often that you're not setting boundaries. Because people who don't set boundaries tend to sit on a mountain of hurt and anger. Because we're saying yes when we mean no and we're frustrated, We're tired. We want to say, Uncle, I want to stop doing this, But you can't. And if you have people pleasing or issues of codependency, This is going to get even harder because you're going to get into the other person's head and assume that this isn't going to go well versus staying in your head and saying, You know what? But maybe it's okay if I say no or do less. But there's a huge correlation between. Not taking care of ourselves, Not setting boundaries, And anger. Those three things are definitely connected. I want you to think about that. Where in your life could you possibly not be taking good care of yourself? Or not setting good boundaries because both of them are going to be really connected to your emotions and how you deal with things. A hidden sign of anger issues is that someone in your life has already expressed concern about it. So they're saying, Hey, You know what? You need help. I'm scared of you. When you yell, When you threw the remote across the room, It freaked me out. The kids are starting to avoid you. Where you're already getting feedback Maybe it's at work. Maybe it's a friend. Maybe it's a relative that has just gently pointed it out, And I'm not saying that's easy. I know for me it was really hard to see that I had an anger issue because it was stuffing it. So I justified it thinking it was better, But it wasn't because I was saying things, Hurtful things that I didn't mean to say because I was stuffing it. There's a reason why you're angry. There is an absolute valid reason and because we're not bad or wrong for exploding stuffing, Having a resentment, That's all part of the human experience. But there's reasons why you're stuck in it. There's reasons why maybe you can't let go of the resentment or you're exploding, But you don't understand why. OK, This is super key, Because if you start to understand and validate your own anger and it's really freeing because now you can see the value of healthy anger versus anger that, Oh, That's bad or wrong. I'm just going to avoid it. Right. Or it's going to lead to a conflict. It's going to cause problems. So I'm not going to do it. Going to do anything about it. I'm just going to hold on even tighter because that's not helpful. One is stop avoiding your anger. If you're angry, If you're annoyed, If you're frustrated, Let it be. Even if you have to go in the garage And say out loud to yourself, You know what, I'm angry and that's okay. I have a right to feel what I feel. Because we have to let those feelings out in order to deal with them. And being able to do that is your first step. The other step is I want you to start taking your emotional temperature every day, One to 10. One is super low stress. 10 is you're out of control. Start paying attention to what that number is. I had one client years ago wake up at an eight. He was so stressed from work, He couldn't shut it off. And it was such valuable information for him because he realized, Whoa, I got to do a lot more about this. Give yourself an outlet. If you can start to take a walk, Do some writing, What can you do today to have a healthy outlet? And I think walking, I think giving yourself some me time can really help. I hope this has been helpful.