How To Handle Someone Else's Anger Without Fixing It

09:29

How To Handle Someone Else's Anger Without Fixing It

by Michelle Farris

Rated

5

Type

talks

Activity

Meditation

Suitable for

Everyone

Plays

16

In this video you will learn how to manage yourself around someone else's anger without taking responsibility for fixing it or cheering them up. Anger is unpredictable and trying to control it or make it better can actually make it worse. Learn here with me!

Empathic Listening Practice Interpersonal Effectiveness Practice Attachment Based Self Reflection Anger Codependency Nervous System Emotional Detachment Anger Management Nervous System Regulation

Meet your Teacher

Michelle Farris

San Jose, CA, USA

Meet your Teacher

Michelle Farris

San Jose, CA, USA

Transcript

So in this video, I'm going to show you how to handle somebody else's anger in a way that doesn't make it worse and protects you because it's not your job to fix somebody else's pain. There are other ways you can show support while protecting yourself. So the first thing I want you to do is I want you to recognize when you're wanting to take responsibility for somebody else's anger. Notice what happens in your body when somebody is getting angry. Do you tense up? Does your heart race? Immediately go into fix-it mode to try to make it better. Often when we're codependent or we are sensitive we feel other people's emotions and this is especially true if you grew up with an angry or abusive parent. You learned to be hyper vigilant around what other people were feeling so that you could stay safe. So fast forward in our adult relationships when somebody gets angry it can really play havoc with your nervous system because you go into that fight flight or freeze response and I don't want that for you. So if you grew up trying to manage somebody else's feelings, You probably lost track of your own. So here's an example of what this looks like. Your partner comes home and they're in a really bad mood. They're irritated, They're short with you, And you just know something's wrong. And before you know it, You're asking them what they need, You're trying to calm them down, You're trying to give them advice or cheer them up, But nothing works. Because here's the problem, You just made their emotions responsibility to fix. Instead, We have to learn how to let somebody else have their feelings, And that might mean taking a deep breath, Letting them vent for a few minutes, And telling yourself silently, You know what? It's okay that they're upset. This isn't about me. I didn't do anything wrong. You don't have to fix somebody else's emotions, Especially anger, Because anger is an unpredictable emotion. We often don't know what the other person is going to do with it. The minute I notice somebody's angry, I up and I give them room because sometimes when people are angry they start waving their hands they start making gestures and they need room to express but you need room to stay safe. So when you stand too close to someone who's really angry it's really hard to separate their emotion from yours because it's gonna feel like a wave of anger or rage washing over you and that's scary and check in with yourself to make sure that you feel safe because that's really important when handling somebody else's anger. The other thing I want you to do is don't try to fix their anger. I can't tell you how many times I've had somebody say, Oh, Stop being upset, Michelle. Like, That doesn't help me. What helps me is somebody saying, Yeah, I really get that you're upset and listening and keeping eye contact with me. But when you find yourself trying to fix somebody else's anger, They feel controlled and they don't like that. And that can often make things worse. You might say something like, Don't be so upset. It's okay. Calm down. It's not that bad. But when you're on the receiving end of that, It feels invalidating. It feels like somebody is trying to get you to change how you feel. It's okay to listen and to be quiet and to just let them vent as long as their anger isn't becoming mean, Scary, Or abusive. The other way people try to fix somebody else's anger is by solving their problem and giving advice. So you give them a bunch of different solutions, But they don't want that solution because when somebody's angry, They most likely just want to be heard. They don't need to be fixed. So even though you may have good intentions, That's one way you start to take responsibility for their anger. I want you to let them figure it out. You do not have to tell them how they can fix it. In fact, They're probably going to calm down faster if you don't. If you just stick with validating statements like, Yeah, I can see why that's so upsetting. I really hear that you've had a bad day. I'm right here for you because what we want to do is just validate the upset even if you disagree with it by just saying something like yeah, I really get after that fight with your sister that you are really feeling annoyed right now. I totally get it because you can show compassion without fixing it. It's not your job. So the next thing I want you to do is I want you to stop taking the blame for their anger because sometimes in relationship the other person is good at saying well you're making me feel this way or this is all your fault and we can buy into that and think oh my god it is my fault I did do something wrong or I did hurt them by mistake but you know what you are not responsible you did not cause that other person to have that reaction because everybody is at choice for how they react at any given moment you cannot make somebody get angry. Now some common things you might hear when somebody is blaming you they might say something like well this is all your fault I wouldn't feel this way if you were a better wife or mother or whatever they're saying, Right? They want to blame you so that they can avoid looking at themselves. Because one thing that happens with unhealthy anger is the angry person wants to find someone else to blame so that they can avoid looking at their own behavior. So if your partner or your loved one is blaming you a lot when they're angry, This is a red flag for you. That does not mean they're right. That does not mean you did anything to cause their reaction or their anger. They may be upset about something totally unrelated to you, Or they may be reacting to their own disappointment or emotional triggers. And again, That's their responsibility, Not yours. Because if you did do something wrong or say something hurtful, Own it. Just say, Yeah, You know what? You're right. I did say something really hurtful last night, And I just want to own that and say I'm sorry. But what I don't want you to do is take responsibility for their anger. Because how they choose to react is is on them, Not on you. The other thing I want you to do when somebody else is angry is find some way to use validation. There are two ways you can do that. You can validate the content of what's being said, Or you can validate the emotions being expressed. I usually try to validate the feeling because that is gonna make the other person feel heard and can often deescalate the situation. So in an argument, What gets challenging is you may disagree with 80, 90% what they're saying. That's totally okay. I don't want you to speak to that 90%. I want you to speak to the one thing that you can validate or agree with. Like, Yeah, That makes sense because I know your mother has been on you about this before. Find one thing they're saying that you can absolutely, Genuinely validate. Because often what happens when we validate somebody's experience without giving advice or telling them what to do, They start to calm down. If they're upset at you, You might just validate, You know, Is really disappointing that I can't go with you tomorrow night, I get it. Notice that I'm validating their disappointment, But I'm not changing my mind. Because sometimes what happens is if somebody gets angry and you feel responsible for it, You change your no to a yes. Because validation isn't the same as agreement. You can validate somebody and still choose to do what you need to do for yourself. The other thing I need you to do is when that anger becomes unhealthy or scary, You need to set boundaries. What I mean by that is I don't want you to go in there and say, You know what, What you're saying is not okay and have a big long explanation. That's not what I'm talking about. When anger is unhealthy, The best boundary to set is to remove yourself and you don't need to say a whole lot. What I'd say is, You know what, This conversation isn't going very well. I need to take a break. That is short, Simple, Because what I don't want you to do is I don't want you to say, You know, You need to take a break. You're losing it here because that is going to just fuel anger. If it's really bad and you're scared, Leave the room silently and then send them a text and just say, You know, I just needed to get out of there. I'll be back later. Because when anger is unhealthy or scary, You don't need to stay around for that. There's no obligation that you have to stay and listen when they're screaming or yelling or name-calling. That's not okay. In fact, What you're inevitably doing if you stay is you're feeding that behavior and I don't want that for you. Instead, What I want you to do is vote with your feet, Which means the minute somebody starts mistreating you or using anger in a way that's mean or scary, You vote with your feet by walking out the room. Because believe it or not, Even with people who don't do this work, They learn eventually that, You know what, Every time I start screaming at her, She leaves. And sometimes that shifts their behavior a bit. Not all the time, But sometimes that instant feedback that you're not willing to participate in that kind of behavior can send a really strong, Powerful message. Because the number one goal in being able to listen to somebody else's anger is to make sure you're safe. So just remember that it's not your job to take responsibility or fix somebody else's feelings. You can stay and validate that anger as long as it's not scary or threatening to you in any way. So the next step I want you to do is go check out my audio courses on anger and resentment because that is your next step. Thanks so much.