So in today's video,
I'm talking about how codependency could be contributing to parental estrangement in your relationship with your adult child and what you can do if you find yourself in that situation.
But if you're new,
My name is Michelle Ferris.
I'm a psychotherapist and I love helping people create relationships that work.
So the first thing I want to acknowledge is how incredibly painful and sensitive this topic is.
So please take what you like and leave the rest because both people in this situation are hurting,
The adult child and the parent.
But for purposes of this video,
I wanna help the parent understand how codependent behaviors might be contributing to having an estranged relationship with your adult child.
So let's get started.
I'm also not here to pass judgment or excuse abusive behavior.
There are reasons why adult children are estranged and go no contact with their parents.
But every situation is really different,
And we need to allow for that.
In some cases,
Going no contact with your parent is really the best solution.
And in other situations,
The opposing party,
Normally the parents,
Feel incredibly abandoned and hurt.
Nobody wins in these situations.
But what I want to do is help you navigate this and know what to do so that you could possibly contribute to repairing that relationship someday with your adult child.
So when you're estranged from your adult child,
It is probably one of the most painful,
Devastating experiences you'll ever have.
Now,
When you struggle with codependency,
There are certain behaviors that contribute to this,
And that's what I want to talk about a little bit today.
So the first issue that can contribute to parental estrangement is issues of enmeshment.
And this is very common in codependency,
Where you might find that you're best friends with your child.
You may be used to constant contact with them via phone or text,
Especially if they've already moved out of the house.
And sometimes it works in the beginning until it doesn't.
And what I mean by that is sometimes children are okay with us being super close to them grow up wanting to be more emotionally independent from us and that's where it can get sticky because a lot of parents who are codependent are emotionally starved and they look to their child for that validation and that love whereas the young adult might want to spread their wings and be more emotionally independent from them at this point.
Often this change happens when our children move out and become young adults because they naturally want to spread their wings and become emotionally independent.
But that can be threatening if you have issues of codependency because you're used to relying on your child more than you probably should.
And this is where your own codependency recovery is going to be really important in helping you heal.
But first,
We want to really be gentle and loving with ourselves to explore what behaviors could be contributing to this.
And enmeshment is definitely one of them.
Because when you're codependent and you have that emotional starvation,
You often look to your child to meet those needs.
The next codependent behavior that contributes to parental estrangement is not having good boundaries.
When you're codependent,
It's hard to know what's appropriate and what isn't,
Because you didn't learn that growing up.
So we end up repeating it with our own children.
You may find that you want a lot more connection than the average person with your child,
Or you put all of your emotional eggs in their basket.
So when your child starts setting limits and resisting that,
And you panic because you don't know what to do.
You may take it personally,
Thinking,
Oh my god,
They don't love me anymore.
But that's not true.
Usually when an adult child starts breaking away from us,
That's actually a sign of their own emotional health,
That they want to learn how to be more independent.
And that's a good thing.
So when you text them and they don't answer right away,
You might find yourself immediately calling them,
Expecting them to answer.
But in this period of life,
Teenagers and young adults often want to be more connected to friends rather than family.
And that's just part of the developmental cycle where they really want to start spreading their wings emotionally and relying on their parents less.
That doesn't mean they don't love you anymore,
But they will probably need to renegotiate being best friends,
Because being best friends is often a sign of enmeshment,
And we don't want that.
Now another codependent behavior that tends to contribute to parental estrangement is issues of control.
I know a lot of moms in recovery think they know best for their kid.
So we tell them what to do.
We give them unsolicited advice.
And it's from a good place,
But sometimes it can be too much.
And our adult child may start to react negatively about that because they want to think for themselves.
They want to make their own mistakes.
But in our codependency,
We think we're the authority on what other people need.
And the truth is we're not.
When it's our own kid.
And that can be a hard truth to accept.
So what can you do if you find your child pulling away from you and even wanting no contact?
The first thing I want you to do is get support.
And that's why I often recommend Al-Anon because that's gonna help you identify your codependent behaviors that may be contributing to your relationship with your adult child today.
This isn't about finding fault in you.
This is about you being willing to take the next step.
Because whenever there's a relationship that has disintegrated,
We wanna look at our part.
We wanna look at,
Okay,
What am I possibly doing or did in the past that could be contributing to that relationship disintegrating?
Because that's what we're not talking about with parental estrangement.
Because there's so much pain here that it's really hard to look at what,
If any,
Part we played in that.
But that's gonna be your point of change.
What your adult child wants is some accountability for whatever has happened in the past.
And again,
That's going to vary depending on the situation.
But we don't want to assume that their narrative is completely false.
We want to ask the question,
What is my part here?
Even if it's 20%,
10%,
It doesn't matter.
Where most people go wrong is assuming that it's all about the other person and their dysfunction.
And that's missing the bigger picture.
Because when we have a relationship with anybody,
We want to look at how we've contributed to it.
And when it's about our adult child,
I know how painful this is.
The other thing I want you to do is find neutral ways to express your hurt and anger.
I don't want you to take those feelings to your adult child via text,
Phone calls,
Messages,
Because they're not able to hear that.
For whatever reason,
They're in their own pain and they need some space.
So that's where the extra support comes in for you,
Where you might go to an Al-Anon meeting.
You might start keeping a journal and really venting all of those painful emotions.
Because that's what's gonna help you heal,
Not getting permission from your estranged child because they're not willing right now to have much contact with you.
And we need to honor that,
Which leads to the next thing you can do is respect their boundaries.
Even if you don't agree with it,
Even if they seem completely unreasonable,
I want you to realize that there's probably a grain of truth in what they need.
And if we stay in our lane,
We only have control over what we do and how we react.
That's the piece of the puzzle that can lead to positive change.
So the next thing I want you to do is I want you to remember that what we focus on tends to grow.
So the more you focus on what they're doing to you,
The more powerless and frustrated you're gonna feel.
And this is with any situation,
But especially with family estrangement,
Where if I focus more on the story of what's been done to me,
I'm going to naturally be more upset and feel more victimized by the situation.
Versus how can I look at this story in a little bit different way where I can look at what have I said and done in the past that could be showing up today as being hurtful or even abusive to my adult child.
Because that's the part that's really hard to do in recovery.
Because in recovery,
We want to look at our behavior.
The good,
The bad,
The ugly,
Because that's all part of the human experience.
Nobody gets into parenting and does it perfectly.
But when we're estranged from our adult child,
It's worth looking at.
And again,
I want you to do this in a gentle,
Loving way,
Not to beat yourself up,
But to also recognize that this could be an opportunity for you to look at,
How can I possibly see a grain of truth in their feedback?
If you really want to work on this,
Here's an assignment.
I want you to write down all the feedback your adult child has given you lately or before they went no contact.
What have they said about you?
What you did,
What you said.
And I want you to put it in two columns.
One is what's absolutely not true,
And that's okay.
And then what does have some truth in it?
What are the behaviors that you could say,
Well,
I could see where I did a little bit of that,
Or I did that.
Because that's gonna help you understand where your healing is gonna go next.
Because what I wanna do as a parent is I wanna be able to hear my child's feedback,
Even if I don't agree with it,
And ask myself,
Is there a grain of truth in this feedback?
Because if there is,
That's my opportunity to heal not only myself,
But the relationship I have with my child.
And that's what I'm inviting you to do,
Is to look at how to take a little bit of an inventory of your own behavior.
Now,
The next thing I want to say is,
What should you do if you get a painful text or email from your child?
What I want you to do is not respond right away,
Because so many parents make the mistake of responding when they're highly emotional,
And I don't want that for you.
I want you instead to find a neutral source of support.
Do some writing,
Go to an Al-Anon meeting,
Find people that can listen,
And it can be really helpful to seek some form of professional counseling around this issue with a professional that's neutral,
That's not gonna necessarily tell you what to do,
But that's gonna support you in where you're at today.
Thanks so much.
