7 Signs You're In A Relationship With A Covert Narcissist

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7 Signs You're In A Relationship With A Covert Narcissist

by Michelle Farris

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talks

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In this video, you'll learn seven signs that you are in a relationship with a covert narcissist. We'll also explore how people who struggle with codependency attract these types of relationships. The good news is that once you know the signs, you can start healing and trusting that your own perceptions are accurate. Please note: This content is for educational purposes and does not replace professional mental health care.

Relationships Codependency Emotional Health Emotional Manipulation Passive Aggressiveness Childhood Trauma

Meet your Teacher

Michelle Farris

San Jose, CA, USA

Meet your Teacher

Michelle Farris

San Jose, CA, USA

Transcript

Have you ever been in a relationship where you end up apologizing even though they hurt you? If so, Please watch this video because I'm going to share seven signs you may be in a relationship with a covert narcissist and what codependency has to do with that. But if you're new, My name's Michelle Ferris. I'm a psychotherapist and I love helping people create relationships that work. So what is covert narcissism? It's basically a psychological disorder that displays the same lack of empathy and self-centeredness as overt narcissism does, But they present using a passive-aggressive victim mentality. So it's a lot more subtle and confusing, Which is what we're gonna talk about today. So the first sign that you're in a relationship with a covert narcissist is that passive aggressiveness is their second language. If they're upset, They are not going to be like the overt narcissist and rage and explode at you. They're going to be much more subtle. They might give you the silent treatment. They might give you the evil eye and expect you to seek them out and ask what's wrong. So while they're never going to tell you directly how they feel, They're still going to make you pay for it. The silence in the room is deafening. You feel it, But they're not willing to own it. So an example of this is you didn't give them a hug or a kiss when you got home, And the covert narcissist wants to run with that. And so they start holding a grudge, And you can feel it. You can feel that they're hurt, But they're not willing to own it. Instead, They might passively, Aggressively start picking on you or saying something that you've done wrong in a very subtle way that feels critical, But confusing because they're not saying it directly. They're not being overtly abusive. It's very subtle, Which is why there's a lot of gaslighting in these relationships. So how does this relate to codependency? Well, Because you're hyper-focused on what other people are doing, You tend to absorb their feelings and think it's your fault, Instead of recognizing it as a sign of covert narcissism. Another sign you're in a relationship with a covert narcissist is that everything has to be about them, Even when it's about you. So maybe you come home and you say, Oh my God, I got a promotion today. And they say, Oh, That's great. Boy, I wish I had a promotion. I'm working really hard and I'm not getting noticed at all. So they immediately turn it back to themselves. But initially they seem supportive. They say, Oh, Great job, But they can't stay there very long because they can't tolerate having the focus be off of them. But they're going to do this in a very covert way where they're going to sound supportive, But they're gonna slowly turn that conversation back to them because that's where they're most comfortable. They might even say something like, Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make this about me, But they always make it about them because that's what a covert narcissist does. They can't tolerate somebody else having needs or wants, And that's why these relationships are super frustrating. So how does codependency relate to this? Well, Because most codependent people don't have a strong sense of self, You get easily confused about what's true and what isn't, And you start to doubt your own perception of reality, Because the covert narcissist is very good at manipulating the truth. So another sign that you're with a covert narcissist is that when they're upset, They go silent instead of rage. The overt narcissist will absolutely explode on you, And it will seem like it's coming out of nowhere. The covert narcissist, On the other hand, Is going to go inward, And they're going to be quiet, And they're going to, Again, Make you seek them out. That's their goal, Is to get your attention, But in a very subtle way by using silence as a weapon. You to do backflips and ask what's wrong. Even if they're not paying attention or answering you directly, They still want you to chase them and continue to seek them out. They expect you not to give up because they should be the center of your world. And of course, This is extremely emotionally manipulative and exhausting. So if you find that you are just completely drained by this relationship, This might be why. Because any sign of upset becomes a huge deal. That takes hours and hours to resolve, If at all. Because these things never resolve themselves quickly. So how does this relate to codependency? Most people who are codependent are highly in tuned to what other people are feeling. The problem is, Is that they often don't recognize that somebody else's behavior is the problem. Because when you're codependent, You tend to take responsibility for what's happening in the moment because you want to fix it. Versus actually seeing this as a part of covert narcissism. The next sign that you may be in a relationship with a covert narcissist is that they play the victim no matter what's happening. They are constantly talking about how other people have wronged them and how they are the victim. I know my uncle used to do this, Where he would talk incessantly about his first marriage, Even though he had his second wife sitting right beside him. He would go on and on about how the divorce destroyed him and how he had no part in the outcome. And it was really sad because you could tell he really believed it. He really believed he was an absolute victim of his marriage versus being able to tolerate and explore any signs of his own behavior and how that possibly could have contributed to the outcome. Because a covert narcissist cannot take responsibility for anything. Victim of their circumstances. So there was one couple in therapy where I remember they came in because of the husband's affair. The husband was the covert narcissist and as the wife was sharing her pain, The husband got offended by her pain and actually made a huge stink about how hurt he was based on what she was sharing in the therapy. So he was able to turn that entire conflict around to elicit sympathy from his wife and how hurt he was, Even though it was his affair that was causing the pain. This is highly manipulative behavior where the narcissist, Again, Cannot tolerate any accountability of their own behavior. So they take small offenses and blow them up because that's how they stay the victim. How does this relate to codependency? Well, Most people, Especially codependent people, Feel like they're never going to be seen or heard. There's no room emotionally for them to get their needs met in this relationship because when we're with someone who has a victim mentality, It's always gonna be how other people have hurt them. And when they're narcissistic, They're not gonna be able to tolerate hearing our hurts because it's going to be in direct competition with the attention that they need to feel safe. Another sign you're in a relationship with a covert narcissist is that they give you compliments, But they're backhanded compliments where they might say, Oh, You lost weight. Hmm. That's great. But you know, You have a long way to go because there's an underlying sarcasm or meanness around it that feels really confusing. And again, It's another example of being gaslit where they're saying something that sounds like a compliment, But when you look at the and what words they've added to it, It really isn't. So you end up leaving that situation feeling bad. Like, Oh my God, I don't even know what they said. I should feel good because they said I lost weight, But I don't. And there's a reason you don't. How does this relate to codependency? Because again, When these things happen, It goes to the heart of you questioning your own perception of reality. And that's exactly what the covert narcissist wants you to do, Is to be able to deny your reality so that you can agree with what they're saying at all costs. For us. Because in narcissism, They can't tolerate a different point of view. It has to be their way. There's no room for a second opinion. How does this relate to codependency? Well, Most people aren't gonna wanna share anything positive with their partner who's a covert narcissist anymore, Because they know it's not gonna be well-received. In fact, They're gonna get criticized over it some way, Somehow, In some kind of backhanded compliment. So they learn to stay silent and get smaller and smaller, Which makes you eventually feel invisible, And I don't want that for you. So another sign that you may be with a covert narcissist is that empathy is selective. And this is super confusing because the covert narcissist may seem caring to strangers when you're out in public, But privately they're not. And here's why that happens. A covert narcissist needs an audience. They need to be recognized. So say you go to a party after a big fight. They are probably going to be on their best behavior. They're going to get you a glass of wine. What you need. They're going to show affection to everybody at the party. They're going to seem like the perfect spouse, But the minute you get home, They're going to ignore you or they're going to be angry because empathy happens only when it serves the covert narcissist. So if they're out in public and they want to feel good about themselves and they do a kindness to a stranger, It's because they want to feel good about themselves and get that thank you from that other person. There's always a hidden motive and the motive for them is recognition. They just do it in a covert way. And this is super confusing for the codependent person because the codependent person is super caring. And you might be telling yourself, Well, They were super attentive at the party, But the minute we got home, He acted totally opposite. That is exactly what the covert narcissist does. They use empathy for their own gain. They're not able to feel it when it's not in their own best interest. So how does this relate to codependency? Well, It gives the codependent false hope that they can actually be seen and heard. And that's the drive of the codependent person, Is they don't have a strong sense of self. They don't have a lot of self-validation. So they're constantly hoping their partner is going to provide that for them, And they don't. So another sign that you may be involved with a covert narcissist is that gaslighting is harder to recognize because it's so subtle. They might seem to validate you by saying, Oh yeah, That must be hard, But then very quickly either turn it around on you, Make it about themselves, Or blame you and make you feel bad. But because they're doing it with a nice calm tone versus the overt narcissist who is going to explode on you, This is very confusing because they sound calm and rational. They're much more subtle in how they present. So for instance, If you say something and they disagree with it, They might say, Oh yeah, You have a point, But launch into why you're wrong, Why that couldn't possibly be true. And because they start off good by saying, Oh yeah, You might have a point, You think, Well, I shouldn't be upset. They are validating my point of view, But they're really not because they always have that backhanded comment to negate anything positive that they just said, Which makes you feel crazy. Plus what they say sounds close enough that you doubt yourself. You think, Well, They do have a point. I did say part of that. But you still feel misunderstood. And again, When we're gaslit, They're literally denying how you see something. If they think the sky is green and you say it's blue, They're gonna convince you it's green, And you're gonna actually end up believing it. Because how this relates to codependency is that we, At our core, Doubt ourselves, And we are constantly needing that outside validation, Whereas the narcissist, Thinks they're right. So it's kind of a perfect dysfunctional pairing of the narcissist being right and the codependent being wrong because the codependent person is used to taking the blame. And that's where this gets really toxic. So how does this relate to codependency? Well, It gets super confusing because there is a grain of truth in what the covert narcissist is saying. And that's what creates all the confusion. And it also can lead to a lot of self blame because we assume that we're wrong instead of seeing this as covert narcissism. So why do codependent people attract covert narcissists? This usually goes back to childhood where there's some form of covert narcissism in the family of origin. Maybe you had a sibling or a parent that had the same trait. And those same traits in adulthood feel familiar. So we lock horns with somebody who is self-centered because we're selfless. And it feels like a perfect match, But it isn't. Because on the one hand, The codependent person has lots of needs. But the narcissist can't tolerate somebody else's needs. So codependents are trained from childhood to be selfless and to take care of others. And that actually becomes a perfect pairing for someone with narcissism because the narcissist is looking to be admired. And the codependent inherently believes that they're wrong. So some of these traits end up feeling like an attraction, Like the codependent is looking for someone confident because they lack confidence. The narcissistic person is looking for someone caring because they're lacking caring. Ironically, The covert narcissist thinks they don't have to do any work on themselves, While the codependent person will take all of the responsibility and be working 120% on themselves to actually improve their relationship. Thanks so much.