Why Codependents Have Such A Hard Time Letting Go

In this session you will learn why you may feel stuck letting go of a codependent or toxic relationship. You are not alone. Letting go is a process that takes time. You'll also learn specific steps on how to let go of someone you love even when you're not ready. Learn here with me.

Transcript

So if you've tried several times to let go of a relationship, Especially a codependent one, You're not alone. It usually takes several attempts to let go before you actually are ready to do that. So I really want to normalize that letting go is a process. It's not a one-time event that people do perfectly. We may think we have to leave a relationship, But emotionally we may not be ready to actually carry that out for several weeks or even years because letting go of someone you love is really painful. First, Let's go over some common reasons why you may not be letting go. One reason is you may think that you don't deserve any better. When we're codependent, We often struggle with low self-esteem. So thinking that we don't deserve or we're never going to get anyone better keeps us stuck in toxic relationships that don't serve us. Another common reason you may be terrified of being by yourself. I myself have talked about this several times in my videos where I have used people as band-aids because I didn't want to be alone. That was a major turning point in my own recovery to realize that I had to learn how to be by myself and not constantly look to others for my love and validation. Another common reason that letting go is so hard is that you may think if only I try harder I can get this relationship to work. But let's face it, If you're in a codependent relationship, There's an unhealthy dependency here. There's probably also some toxic behaviors because many codependent people have a really high tolerance for toxic behavior. And part of the letting go process is to realize that it's okay for you to want more, To not be used or feeling like you're being taken advantage of all the time, Because that is the heart of a codependent is we overgive and then we get resentful. People that tend to take from us because we're such big givers and that's why letting go can be so difficult. So the very first step you can do for letting go of a codependent relationship is to create some distance in the relationship. So what I mean by that is if they are texting you, Wait a little bit before responding. In our codependency, We tend to be available all the time where maybe you don't respond to that text right away or you don't call them as often. You actually try to create some space within yourself. Because part of what happens in our codependency is we don't know how to be alone because it feels really uncomfortable. And part of codependency recovery is learning how to be comfortable in your own skin. Because when you can do that, Letting go becomes much easier. The other aspect of creating distance is that it gives you permission to start living your own life and not constantly be focusing on that one person. Because when we're having trouble letting go and there's a lot of resistance, There's probably some emotional dependency issues that we need to address in our codependency recovery. So part of that is to pull back and again, Start practicing having some space for yourself, Even if it's just an hour so that you can start to feel more comfortable in your own skin and not constantly look outside of yourself for that connection and approval. This leads to the next step, Which is start cultivating relationships with other people. Most people who are codependent have one or two people that they hyper focus on, Whether it's a best friend or your mate or a child, But that just keeps the codependent patterns going. Most of us in our lives probably have other people around us that we could look at as potential friends. Maybe there's people at work that have been nice to us and we never really thought of cultivating a friendship with them. What we want is to widen your social circle so that you don't put all of your emotional eggs in one person's basket. So I want you to look at the people in your life and see if there's a possibility for a healthy friendship. But here's my warning, Healthy people can feel boring at first because they don't have a lot of drama. They have good boundaries, But those are the people I want you to consider cultivating a relationship with because we don't want to go from one codependent relationship to the other. We want to create healthy relationships. And one way to do that is to start looking at the people in your life that may qualify as being reasonably healthy, Because those are the people I want you to reach out to. The other part of this is to start cultivating a healthy relationship with yourself. This is really hard because if you're like me and you tend to be a relationship addict, It's really hard to pull back and say, Well, What's the value in creating a relationship with myself? But you know what? When I finally did that, That's what really deepened my codependency recovery. And now I actually like being alone. I can enjoy my own company. And that's what I want for you because that is going to go a long way for you being able to let go of codependent relationships in your life. Now if you don't have a lot of people in your life to go to for support, I want you to consider do something to meet like-minded people who are interested in what you're interested in because letting go of a codependent relationship is much easier when you're not looking to them for your everything. So I want you to start looking for other forms of support and connection because that's going to make it easier for you to eventually, When you're ready, Let go of that other person. Now the next step is you need to learn how to self-soothe in healthy ways. And what I mean by that is when we're looking at letting go of a codependent relationship or a toxic relationship, Usually there's a lot of pain and fear around that. You might fear that you're always going to be alone or that you're never going to attract somebody else or that nobody else would want to be your friend. But let's face it, All of those fears are part of what you want to work through in your codependency recovery. So part of this is creating a tolerance for that pain because being alone and feeling lonely is going to be a part of letting go. But that's where the self-soothing comes in. I don't want you to rely on substances to get you through like vaping or too much junk food or alcohol or marijuana because those things are going to create more problems for you. What I want you to do is think about what are those healthy forms of comfort that you can start practicing when you're feeling down or when you're really missing that person. For instance, You could create a cozy corner in your home and get your favorite blanket and drink and read a book and make a ritual out of it. Another thing you could do is practice EFT tapping. I have a video on that. It's a great way to get centered really quickly. You could learn something you've always wanted to do, Or you can join a support group. Maybe you need a place to talk and share about how painful it is you to let go and maybe you need more skills to do that. That can be a way to self-soothe because instead of relying on that codependent relationship to make you feel better, You're going to find other healthier ways to self-soothe and to calm yourself down. Another step is you need to let go of the guilt. You are not responsible for that other person. And oftentimes when people are contemplating letting go of a codependent relationship, I hear things like, Well, I feel responsible for their pain. Function well without me, They need me. So in our codependency, We like to be the hero, We want to fix things. But let's face it, That doesn't lead to healthy relationships. And I have three questions I want you to ask yourself, Because these questions can often help you get out of the guilt. The first question is, Does this person care about my feelings? Because if the answer is no, Then that tells you a lot about how healthy the relationship really is. The next question is, Is there a And the last question is, Are they willing to look at their own behavior in any way? If the answer is no, You're probably in a relationship with someone who has no desire to change their own behavior. And that's a major red flag. And all of those questions can help you let go of the guilt because you're not responsible for that other person. I want you to do is to practice an exercise in letting go. And what I want you to do is I want you to close your eyes and I want you to imagine the person that you're having trouble letting go of in front of you. And imagine them moving further and further away from you. Sometimes this makes us cry. It brings up some pain because we want so badly to stay connected. But this is an exercise in letting go emotionally and letting that other person, At least in your mind's eye, Start to go away from you. And the goal here is to be more comfortable with them. Maybe instead of sitting next to you, They're outside of your house or they're down the street. This exercise also is going to help you get into your own skin and feel what it's like not to be so attached to that other person. Is to start creating a healthy sense of self. And that's gonna help you eventually let go of that toxic or codependent relationship. Thanks so much.