So in today's video,
I'm talking about surviving an unhappy marriage,
Staying together for the kids.
And in this video,
You're going to learn some very simple strategies to really improve the quality of your life and your home life for your entire family in the meantime.
But if you're new,
My name is Michelle Ferris.
I'm a psychotherapist and I love helping people create relationships that work.
So according to the American Psychological Association,
40 to 50% of all first marriages end in divorce and 60 to 67% of second marriages end in divorce but there's also another group of people who consciously are choosing to stay in the marriage and the most common reason is staying together for the kids but there are other reasons too like fear of financial insecurity,
Not wanting to be alone,
Not wanting to start over.
Sometimes there's a fear of parental alienation or just assuming the worst possible outcome that it's just not going to end well but there are things you can do and the first thing I want you to do when you're trying to survive an unhappy marriage and stay together for the kids is I want you to stop making yourself wrong for staying.
Because let's face it,
Making a decision to get divorced is one of the most significant important decisions you will ever make in your life.
This is not a decision people make in the heat of the moment or within a couple of months of having problems.
It's usually years in the making before somebody is really ready to leave that situation.
It is absolutely okay for you to Stay in the marriage even though you're unhappy because most likely there are reasons you're doing that.
So the next task for how to survive an unhappy marriage is to find neutral forms of support.
Those people in your life that are encouraging.
You might need to find a support group for people who are separated or consider individual therapy.
Because making this decision to end your marriage or to stay in an unhappy marriage because you may need more support than just family and friends.
Especially if you don't have people who are neutral about your situation.
Next,
I want you to let other people in your life know what kind of support you need.
For instance,
I know when people are considering divorce,
They tend to get a lot of advice.
You should leave him.
You shouldn't stay.
You deserve better.
And all those are well-meaning statements,
But they're not really helpful when you're going through it.
Because when you're going through it,
You know,
It's not that easy to get up and leave.
So what I would encourage you to do to do is just let them know what kind of support you need.
Maybe you don't need direct advice.
Whatever that support is,
It's really important to just let your family and friends know what you do want so you can get less of what you don't want.
So the next thing I want you to do when trying to survive an unhappy marriage is I want you to focus on improving the emotional energy in your home.
And what I mean by that is be light and polite because when we're hurting,
When we're in an unhappy marriage,
It shows.
The kids pick up on that tension and that sadness and it creates a lot of stress in the household and I don't want that for you and I don't want that for your kids.
So one way to do that is looking at your own attitudes.
How can you be what I call light and polite?
Which means you bring back words like please and thank you and how are you?
Things that you can still do on a day-to-day basis that doesn't mean anything about the relationship per se.
Another way to do this is to focus more on what your spouse is doing right.
So for instance,
A lot of times when we're unhappy,
We're hyper focusing on what they're not doing and what they're not giving us.
But you're also dismissing what they are doing.
So are they doing things with the kids?
Are they cooking?
Are they cleaning?
Are they bringing home money that contributes to the home?
What are some things that they are doing that you could say,
You know what?
I could acknowledge that even if it's just to yourself at first because that is going to help you create a and polite attitude in the home.
Also stop arguing about the same things over and over again because if you're truly on the fence and you're not sure you want to stay in the marriage or emotionally you've already left the marriage,
There's really no point in arguing about things that you have no control over.
And if the goal is to preserve your sanity and to create a more amicable home life,
Then arguing over the same old things is not going to help you.
It's actually going to fuel your anger and resentment and I don't want that for you.
The next thing that helps with being light and polite is check your tone of voice.
We're really good at picking up on somebody else's tone whether it's snarky,
Whether it's passive-aggressive or sarcastic but we're not really great at identifying our own tone of voice.
I want you to just notice what tone of voice do you have in your home?
Is it sad?
Is it mad?
Is it one word answers?
I want you to look at the tone of your communication because sometimes just Changing that tone to be less angry and more pleasant can make a huge difference in the quality of your home life.
It can also help start the healing process because here's the thing,
If you're going to choose to stay in an unhappy marriage,
You have to be willing to change your own behavior because you have no control over the other person's.
So believe it or not,
These small but subtle changes can make a huge difference in the outcome.
Sometimes it can even open the door to reconciliation because as you're fences are down and you're being pleasant,
The other person may be pleasant back and that can be the beginning of something new.
So the next task I want you to do when trying to survive an unhappy marriage is practice detachment.
And detachment is the ability to let go of certain behaviors or situations that are bothering you.
So instead of trying to change your spouse,
You're going to step back and go,
You know what?
This is an annoying habit that he does or she does.
I'm going to leave the room.
Detaching is really helpful tool.
I have lots of videos on it because it's going to help you realize where you have control and where you don't.
In somebody else's behavior you absolutely don't have any control over.
How you respond to their behavior you have a hundred percent control over.
So for instance if your partner is starting to yell at you instead of yelling back you might choose to leave the room and say you know what I'm taking a timeout this isn't working.
Removing yourself can often be the best form of detachment but I don't want you to do this in a cold,
Calculating way.
Detachment is really meant to create some emotional,
Sometimes physical separation between you and what's annoying you.
It's not about giving somebody the silent treatment,
Making them feel bad,
Giving them dirty looks.
That's not what detachment is.
Detachment is just choosing not to participate in something that you find painful.
You're detaching from the behavior,
Not always the person.
There's a difference there.
Detachment look like?
It's basically letting the other person have their choices.
Leaving the room if you're finding yourself super annoyed with their behavior.
Not giving any advice anymore or telling them what they should be doing.
Treating them with kindness and respect.
Those are all ways to detach because you're not going to be as invested in the outcome.
That's the goal in an unhappy marriage is the goal shifts from trying to improve the relationship to trying to improve your own quality of life.
And that of your kids because if you can create a more amicable connection it's going to benefit everybody.
Now another important task when you're trying to survive an unhappy marriage and staying together for the kids is redefining your own life because it requires a shift in thinking.
When we're married we build our life together but when you're in an unhappy marriage that looks different.
You're going to need to build some more independence.
So I want you to think about what are some hobbies or some things you can do to to increase the joy in your life.
What support do you need?
What friendships would you like to go back and rekindle?
What are some things you can do to really build a life you want?
You're gonna most likely have to cultivate your own interests because it's really important for you to be able to take responsibility for your own happiness and not always look to your mate for that.
Like saying to yourself,
If only they would change,
I would be happy.
That belief has to shift to,
To learn how to make myself happy because that's going to be the key in thriving in an unhappy marriage.
So one of the most challenging aspects of an unhappy marriage is the lack of sex and physical affection and there are no great alternatives here.
This is where we feel incredibly stuck but I will say that trying to work emotionally on what's happening in the marriage and in the home may create some opportunity to get close again and that may lead to physical intimacy down the road.
Not always,
But usually when the emotional issues get resolved and there's more of a pleasant peaceful atmosphere in the home,
Then that creates the possibility of reconciliation and healing.
Thanks so much.
