7 Steps To Heal After A Narcissistic Relationship

In this audio, you will learn how to live with a narcissist with simple strategies that help protect you from narcissistic abuse. Dealing with a narcissist takes a lot of energy, and because they gaslight you, they can rob you of self-esteem and self-respect, but healing yourself from narcissistic abuse is possible with enough support and self-trust.

Transcript

So how can you handle a narcissist without losing yourself? That's what I'm talking about because in this video, I'm going to give you seven steps you can do to take better care of yourself and to protect yourself from the narcissistic abuse. But first, My name is Michelle Ferris. I'm a psychotherapist and I love helping people create relationships that work. So what is a narcissistic relationship? It's basically two people, The narcissistic person and the codependent person, That come together and they both want the same thing. To the other person for their self-worth. They just do it differently. The narcissist needs to be the center of attention and needs to be right and admired all the time. And the codependent person uses their giving nature to try to get approval from the narcissist. So they have a deflated sense of self and the narcissist has an inflated sense of self. And together, They get kind of addicted to the other person's validation. So let's talk about how to stop that. To do is I want you to educate yourself about narcissistic traits because if you know what that looks like and if you can particularly name your narcissist's behavior like how is it that they gaslight you and gaslighting is basically when they make you question your reality. How do they make you feel bad about yourself? What do they do to instill fear or try to control you? Because every narcissist does it a little bit differently and when you can recognize those behaviors you're going to be able to have more realistic expectations of your narcissistic relationship. Because so many of you have said to me, If only they could change, If only they could get help, If only they could be more empathetic towards me. Well, Narcissists don't see a need to be empathetic. They actually don't have that ability to feel for other people. They only feel for themselves, Which is why these relationships can be so painful. But if you can start to recognize those specific narcissistic traits that your loved one has, When they happen, You're going to be able to go, This isn't about me. This is about the narcissism showing up again. It's a way for you to depersonalize what they're doing to you because the narcissist wants to make you wrong so that you follow their lead and you do exactly what they tell you to do. And that's going to be really hard to keep long term. So having realistic expectations is going to help you get out of that hopelessness of wanting them to change and hoping it's going to be different tomorrow because ironically with any toxic relationship when we practice acceptance there's a lot of relief because we're not expecting somebody to change who doesn't have that ability and most people with narcissism or narcissistic traits when they're severe enough aren't going to be able to make any lasting change but if you know that that's going to help you know when to protect yourself and this leads to the next step which is I want you to visualize a boundary. So when they're talking to you, When they're being mean, When they're trying to gaslight you, I want you to visualize what boundary you need to protect your energy from their energy. This could be an imaginary bell over you of cement, Of plastic. In order to protect yourself, You're going to need a boundary. And this is an invisible boundary. This is something you're going to imagine creates a barrier between their energy and your energy. So for me, I think of an invisible wall made of cement that only I can control. Or some people like a plexiglass that has a little bit of give, But you still get to control it. Because if you can have an imaginary boundary, That's gonna help those hurtful comments not go directly into your heart. Now, The next step I want you to do is I want you to not explain yourself, Okay? This one's really hard, Especially if you've been in codependency recovery a while, Because part of what happens in recovery is that we really want to speak up and explain ourselves because it's a way to advocate for yourself. And there's nothing wrong with that. Part of recovery is being able to speak up for yourself, But with narcissists, They're going to use that information against you. They're going to turn it around and convince you that you're wrong. So the less you say, The better. Now, The way to do this is I want you to find ways to validate your own perceptions by literally maybe walking in the other room saying, I know this actually happened. They are actually trying to make me feel crazy right now. The other alternative is to find trusted people you can talk this out with and get validation from them. Call your friend and say, Hey, Listen, Something just happened. Can you give me some feedback? Am I crazy or is this just narcissistic behavior? Because if you have that friend or that trusted mentor or counselor that you can check in with, That's going to help you validate yourself. Of what happens in narcissistic relationships is that we keep going back to the narcissistic person for that validation, Hoping that they're going to give it, But they never do. So if you have healthy outlets to get your validation from yourself and from others, That's going to decrease your dependency on the narcissist. Now, If you've ever tried to explain yourself to the narcissist and it hasn't gone well, Say yes in the comments because you're not alone. That is a very common experience and you don't have to keep doing it. So the next step is I want you to create separate interests, Including a strong support system. Because if you put all your emotional eggs in the narcissist's basket, That's pretty dangerous because there's no way they're going to give you what you need. But if you have realistic expectations, Like I talked about a moment ago, You're going to be able to have lower expectations and you're going to get support outside of the relationship, Which is going to help you stay sane while you're still in this relationship. Having the right support. One is you need to know exactly where your boundaries are so that you know how to protect yourself. So what I want you to do is I want you to write down what are those narcissistic behaviors that are really painful for you and that signal you that you need to walk away because staying and listening to the narcissist chastise you and make you wrong, There's no value in it. There's no way they're actually going to change their abuse into empathy. So the next step is I want you to know exactly where your boundaries are so that you know when to remove yourself. Because part of protecting yourself and healing from narcissistic abuse is knowing how to protect yourself. So what I want you to do is I want you to write out those behaviors that are so hurtful to you that you know you need to leave. You need to exit, You need to take a time out, Because it's not fruitful to stay. Some common examples might be name-calling, Any type of gaslighting, Excessive blame, Swearing at you. All of those behaviors are really hard to come by. Because they tend to escalate if we stay and participate in that, And I don't want that for you. So instead, I want you to write your list of behaviors that you know that when those particular things happen, That's your signal to walk away and to take a timeout. You don't necessarily have to stay a lot, But you can just politely excuse yourself because there's no reason to stay and listen to it. In fact, It's really harmful. Now, The last one, Here's the bonus tip that I promised I'd share with you, Is this is the one So one thing you absolutely have to do if you're going to heal yourself from narcissistic abuse or stay in a relationship with them, You have to learn to trust yourself because this is the foundation that helps you to avoid gaslighting. Because part of what the narcissist wants is they want to convince you that you're the problem and they have the solution. And the more you doubt yourself, The more you're going to buy into their false perception of you, That you are the problem, That you're the one that And that simply isn't true. So what I want you to do is I want you to start cultivating self-trust. When you have that feeling in the pit of your stomach that you know something doesn't feel right, I want you to start honoring it. I want you to start looking at ways to develop your intuition and ask yourself, How do I get that type of information? Is it a gut feeling? Is it a visualization? Do you hear an inner voice? What does that self-trust look like for you? That skill, The less what the narcissist says and does is going to impact you because you're going to trust your own perceptions over that of the narcissist. That's how you start to really heal from narcissistic abuse. Thanks so much for watching.