If you need to have an uncomfortable conversation, these three tips will help to make sure you’re well prepared. In any healthy relationship, conflict will arise. These three tips are key to ensuring your relationship continues to thrive and grow.
Meet your Teacher
Fort Myers, FL, USA
Transcript
Hello, I am here to talk to you about three tips you can apply if you have to have an uncomfortable conversation with somebody that you care about in your relationship. When were we? Taught these really important healthy relational skills. A lot of times our parents did not model that for us. And also, We didn't see it in the media very often. There's a lot of toxic instruction out there in the media, In songs, In movies, And in TV. So if you're somebody who's looking for more skills around healthy communication and relationships, You're not alone. And I admire you for being here today. So let's jump into these three tips that are going to help you if you are going to have to talk to somebody about something that might be uncomfortable. The first tip is you want to emotionally process. Your own feelings first before you start having this conversation. Now, This includes a lot of self-reflection and that can be helpful if you go to a friend and want to talk to them about your feelings first to just kind of sort them out. It could mean that you journal and get really clear about how your internal experience is happening within you. That because we don't want to give our emotions to somebody else to sort through that's one way to deny our own power that's where all of our power is our emotions are information for us and they help us know what we need to ask for where we need to put down a boundary how we need to love ourselves just a little bit more So it's really important to get very clear about how we feel first before we take our feelings and our desires to another person that we care about. And that brings me to tip number two, Which is to explain your experience to the other person instead of attacking their character. Now, Let me give you an example of what this could look like in an argument. Let's say somebody parked in your parking spot and it made you really, Really angry. Maybe the worst person you know parks in other people's parking spots or you have some reason that you're incredibly triggered when somebody does that. Okay, That trigger means you have to go back to tip one and explore why exactly is that so upsetting for me? You might think that a person who parks in somebody else's spot is a monster from under the ocean, But they might not think that. They might have an entirely different perspective. And so if you want them to understand you, Then what you're going to want to do instead of saying, How dare you? You're a terrible person. You are. You did this. That's very attack language. Then you're going to have to rein it back in and explain your own experience and say something like I feel incredibly insulted when you park in my spot can you please park somewhere else or can we make a plan for you to park in another spot or can you move your car You can ask them things. But first, You don't want to use attack language. You always, You never do this for me. You want to say, I was surprised about how angry I got when I noticed that. I even, You can tell them the truth. I even was saying all kinds of mean things in my head about what you did. And I understand that that's just my own judgment. But at the end of the day, I would really appreciate it if you could park somewhere else. So it doesn't mean you don't ask, But it does mean you don't attack. You keep it more about your experience. And that can be a vulnerable thing to do. And that's why it's so important not to skip step one so that you can emotionally process those big feelings. Because a lot of times. . . It's a little bit more upsetting than just somebody parking in your own spot, Right? Now let's get to tip number three. Tip number three is to keep an air of curiosity about you. Let's say in the conversation, You're noticing that your temper is starting to rise, Things are starting to get more emotionally charged. One way to kind of soothe the people involved in the conversation, Including yourself, Is to ask a question, To get curious about something. It does two things. First, It de-escalates that tension and it helps you to kind of get your bearings and ground again. And then it also, Secondly, Helps your partner or whoever you're speaking with start to feel heard. Start to feel seen. Start to feel like they matter in the conversation. And that communicates a lot of safety. Anytime you get curious about the inner workings of somebody's mind or their own experience, That's going to communicate, Hey, I care about you actually. I'm upset, But I still care about you without actually having to say that out loud. Not that it's a bad thing to say that out loud. I think that's a wonderful thing to say out loud. But here's how this could look in a conversation. So let's say you say, I felt really angry when you parked in my parking spot. And you can start to feel them getting a little defensive. Why did you do that? Or what was going through your mind? And then you're going to find out more information. Oh, I was late and I wasn't even thinking about it. And I'm so sorry. I'll go move it right now. Period. That could be the end of the conversation right there. Thank you. Let me know if you need any help with that. And you can continue to maintain a relationship that is kind and appreciative and really understanding. Because a lot of times, Especially if somebody wants to be on your team. They are not going to be intentionally trying to hurt you. And that's a really important thing to keep in mind. So when you're curious, What you do is you give some room for the other person to have their own experience. And I'm sure it could be something that you can relate to. I'm sure you've been late before and been scrambling and forgotten things. So parking in somebody else's parking spot. Might not have been at the top of their mind or maybe they're processing some grief or who knows you really don't know until you ask them and get that information from them So those are my three tips to make sure that you have really healthy communication because we love our relationships. These people are important to us and we want it to stay that way. So just to review, The first one is to emotionally process. Self-reflect and get really clear on how you're feeling. Secondly, Is to frame the conversation in your own experience instead of using attack language. And thirdly is to get curious about the other person's experience so you have all the information you need to make your decisions going forward. I hope that helped. And I just want to say thank you and I admire you for doing this work because it is not always easy. And of course, I am available if you have any questions.
