Sometimes the thing that we are reaching for is not about the thing itself.
It may look like a cookie after putting the kids to bed,
A glass of wine at the end of a stressful day.
An online purchase when we're feeling empty or overwhelmed.
And none of these things are automatically or inherently wrong.
But sometimes we can feel that we are not freely choosing them.
We're using them to create a fast and powerful shift in how we're feeling.
For a moment,
That cookie may feel like a tent.
It is comforting,
It's rewarding,
It's familiar.
It may even feel like the first thing that you've done for yourself all day that was just for you.
But then,
If that choice does not align with what you yourself actually want,
The experience may swing in the opposite direction.
You might criticize yourself,
Feel ashamed.
Or promise that tomorrow I'm going to have more discipline and do things differently.
So you move from that positive 10 to a negative 10.
And this is where the idea of distress tolerance can help.
The stress tolerance is not about forcing yourself to feel miserable or depriving yourself of every single enjoyable thing.
Is the ability to stay present with discomfort without immediately needing to escape,
Eliminate,
Or overpower it.
Is learning to live a little bit more often between the fives.
Instead of chasing a 10 and then crashing into the negative 10,
We begin building a steady life with more sustainable experiences of comfort,
Pleasure,
And satisfaction.
This can feel surprisingly uncomfortable at first.
Our brains are drawn towards rewards that feel quick,
Familiar,
And reliable.
When we repeat a behavior that brings immediate relief or pleasure,
The brain learns to anticipate it.
The urge may become especially strong when we are tired,
Stressed,
Lonely,
Or finally transitioning out of responsibility mode.
That is why evening habits can feel so powerful.
Your brain is not simply saying,
I want a cookie.
It may be saying,
I need comfort.
I need a reward.
And he is something that belongs only to me.
I need to know that the hardest part of the day is over.
From an IFS perspective,
We might also understand this as a younger part of us.
Asking for something.
Maybe that part remembers sneaking into the kitchen for a spoonful of sugar.
Maybe small treats were one of the only ways that it knew how to create pleasure,
Rebellion,
Comfort,
Or control.
It may have learned that joy had to be hidden or grabbed quickly before someone took it away.
That part is not trying to sabotage you.
It may still be using the best strategy that it knows to make sure that you receive something good.
So instead of responding with shame,
We can become curious.
When you notice the urge,
Pause and ask yourself.
What is this part hoping that I will feel?
Maybe it wants sweetness or sensory pleasure.
Maybe it wants play,
Comfort,
Freedom,
Or recognition.
Maybe it simply wants a treat after spending the entire day caring for others.
Once you understand the need,
You now have more options.
You might still choose the cookie and choose it intentionally and enjoy it and refuse to punish yourself afterwards.
Or you may realize that the part of you that was asking for a treat wants something different.
Maybe it wants to color.
Or build something,
Play a game,
Listen to music,
Or watch a favorite show.
Many adults are reconnecting with hobbies they enjoyed as children,
Or finally trying the hobbies that they wanted but couldn't access when we were younger.
We now have grown-up freedom and sometimes grown-up money,
But the same younger parts that long for creativity,
Play,
And delight.
A healthier treat does not have to mean a joyless substitute.
It means finding forms of pleasure that genuinely care for you rather than repeatedly leaving you with the consequences that you don't want.
And then comes the distress tolerance piece.
The healthier option may initially feel like a five.
It might not be pleasant,
But not as intense or immediate as the old behavior.
Your brain may protest.
It may say,
This isn't enough.
That is the moment to remind yourself.
I am not removing pleasure.
I am teaching my system that pleasure can come in more than one form.
You can place a hand over your heart or somewhere else comforting and say to that younger part,
I know you want something good and you deserve something good.
And I am learning how to give it to you in a way that will also care for us afterwards.
And then allow the urge to be present without immediately fighting or obeying it.
Notice where you feel it in your body.
Breathe.
Give it a few minutes.
An urge is not an emergency.
It rises,
Changes,
And eventually passes.
Over time,
The five can start to feel a lot richer.
Coloring may not produce the same instant rush as shopping alcohol or food.
But it may leave you feeling peaceful,
Connected,
And proud of how you cared for yourself.
The goal is not to become perfectly controlled.
Is to move away from cycles of intensity and shame.
It is to build trust with the parts of you that still want comfort,
Pleasure,
And reward.
You do not have to exile these parts or take away their treats.
You can become the caring adult who listens to what they're really asking for.
And help some discover that joy doesn't have to hurt afterwards.
I'd love to hear from you.
What's one reward that you might offer yourself that supports your younger parts in a healthy way?
Thank you so much for spending this time with me today.
I look forward to seeing you in future videos.
Take care.
