Anxiety has a way of bringing us into a future that hasn't happened yet.
And asks us to start managing it immediately.
What if this goes wrong?
What if they're disappointed?
What if I can't handle it?
Before we talk about how to respond,
I think it helps to understand a little bit about what's happening.
Our brains and bodies have a system that helps us detect possible threats.
And prepare to respond.
Those systems can become active when danger is uncertain or somewhere in the near future.
Our hearts might beat faster,
Our muscles tighten,
Our attention starts looking for what could go wrong.
That response can be really useful.
It helps us prepare,
Pay attention,
And take action.
So our brain really likes to make sure that it's aware of any potential danger,
But recognize that the intensity of the alarm isn't a reliable measure of how likely something is to happen.
Anxiety and excitement can share the same physical sensations.
Raising heart,
Butterflies,
Surge of energy,
The meaning we get those sensations matters.
There's a difference between being anxious and having too much caffeine in our system,
For example.
Both might feel very similar.
So before doing something exciting or important to you,
You might experiment with saying.
Some of this energy might be excitement.
This matters to me.
You don't have to force that interpretation.
Sometimes anxiety really does feel like anxiety,
But a racing heart by itself doesn't tell us how the story will end.
Often,
Anxiety's story has two parts.
Number one,
Something bad might happen.
But even more importantly,
Number two,
I don't trust that I'm going to be able to handle that.
The second part really deserves our attention.
Especially if we've experienced rejection,
Criticism,
Or situations where you didn't have the support that you needed.
It makes sense that some part of you would work very hard to prevent that from happening again.
In internal family systems or IFS,
We can approach this anxiety as a protective part of us that gives us a way to become curious about what that part is trying to do.
Maybe it believes that if it anticipates every problem,
You won't be caught off guard.
Maybe it hopes that enough preparation will protect you from shame,
Failure,
Or rejection.
That's an awful lot of responsibility for one part of us to carry.
So here's something that you can practice.
When you notice anxiety,
Try saying,
A part of me is feeling anxious.
Notice if that creates a little bit more room to be with the feelings.
And then gently ask,
Anxiety?
What are you worried is going to happen?
Oftentimes we haven't even asked that question.
You don't need a clear inner voice or a perfectly formed answer.
You may just notice a thought,
An image,
Or a sense of what feels threatening.
Maybe it's,
I'm afraid I'm going to disappoint someone,
Or I'm afraid that I'm going to make a mistake and be embarrassed.
See if you could acknowledge the concern.
I understand anxiety,
Why you'd want to protect me from that.
Acknowledging the fear does not mean agreeing with its prediction.
It means letting this part know that you're listening.
And then ask,
Okay,
Anxiety,
Is there a useful,
Realistic action I can take right now to help with this?
If the answer is yes,
Let's do the thing.
Prepare a few notes for the conversation,
Ask for information that you need,
Make a plan for getting support,
Choose one concrete step.
And then notice the difference between useful preparation and a search for guarantee.
Replaying the same conversation for the 20th time may not give you anything that the 19th rehearsal didn't.
If there's nothing useful to do,
Or if you've already done your part,
You might say,
Thank you,
Anxiety,
For trying to protect me.
I know that you want to help me avoid getting hurt.
We can be done for now.
Would you be willing to trust that I can respond to what happens one step at a time?
You can make that reassurance honest and specific.
I can ask for help.
I can feel disappointed and still take care of myself.
If I make a mistake.
I can work on repairing it.
We're building trust in our ability to respond while leaving room for the fact that life can be difficult.
And this is where I like the image of the cosmic shrug.
You might even gently lift your shoulders and let them drop.
I don't know exactly how this will go.
I've done what I can.
I'm willing to meet the next part when it comes.
There can be something freeing about allowing that uncertainty to exist without assigning yourself the job of revolving or resolving all of it.
And if your anxious part isn't ready to trust you yet.
You haven't failed.
You can say,
I get it.
This is really hard for you.
This is going to take some practice.
You don't have to keep asking until anxiety gives you permission to move forward.
You can gently bring it with you as you return to your day.
Over time,
The relationship that we're practicing sounds something like this.
I will listen to you anxiety when you're concerned.
I will take action when it's helpful,
And when we've done what we can,
I will help us live with what we don't know yet.
Anxiety may still show up,
But it can begin to learn that it has someone to turn to.
And that it doesn't have to manage all of the future alone.
Take care,
My friend.
