At The Helm: Social Contracts For Happier Relationships

Most relationships are shaped by unspoken agreements—but what happens when two people are following completely different rules?

Inspired by Dr. Sheldon Cooper’s infamous roommate agreement on The Big Bang Theory, Jessie and Karelin explore how intentional “social contracts” can reduce confusion, anxiety, resentment, and mind-reading in our relationships. They share how mismatched expectations affected their own experiences at concerts, leaving the house on time, dividing responsibilities, and expressing personal needs.

This conversation looks at why clarity can be especially supportive for neurodivergent people, people-pleasers, and anyone who has learned to mask or stay quiet to keep relationships safe. You’ll learn how to identify recurring friction points, communicate what you actually need, negotiate agreements that feel fair to everyone, and revisit them as your needs and capacity change. Please note: This conversation explores mental health themes and is not a substitute for professional medical or psychological care.

Transcript

Hi, Friends, And welcome to At the Helm Podcast with Jessi and Carolyn. Today, We're going to be talking about social contracts and how those can help us have healthier and happier relationships together. So, We first started really thinking about this topic when we were watching the Big Bang Theory. And for those of you who are not familiar, Genius Dr. Sheldon Cooper, Has a roommate agreement with his roommate Leonard. And he has all these stipulations in there, And it's in a binder, And it's a legally binding contract. On what the temperature should be set at. Their bathroom schedules, You know, Etc. And it's a running gag that they have that Sheldon is so particular and so demanding. And it's so unreasonable, But I started to really think about it and I thought, You know what? I think Sheldon's actually in the right here. He's just doing it in a way that most people find very harsh. What Sheldon was doing was clearly communicating his needs, His wants, His desires, What helped him to feel comfortable in his home and safe. And he put it out in writing very explicitly. And it wasn't negotiable, So it wasn't a very healthy way to do it. But it was a great example of really communicating. And that's something that we don't often do. Right, And so I think a couple of things there, Right? Safety and talking about and actually understanding what our own needs are. Very often, Our brains don't like the unknown. And so relationships, There's a lot of unknowns. I only know myself. I don't know what Jesse is going to say or do in any given moment, Or even if the relationship is safe, Quote unquote, Right? Like we build up that trust with each other. So neurodivergent brains in particular are constantly trying to figure that out, Especially if maybe you've had some relational trauma in the past, You felt a sense of rejection or not belonging, And so your brain is working overtime trying to figure out what safety means. And so these social contracts, Which is why Sheldon found it so helpful, Helps to eliminate some of those unknowns. Again, For neurodivergent minds, They're spending a lot of time doing that calculation. So the easier we can make our life, The better. So social contracts help us to eliminate or reduce some of the unknowns that can happen in our relationship. We very oftentimes do that in some unhealthy ways. Things like codependency or people-pleasing are ways that we try to eliminate some of those unknowns. If someone depends on me for something or if I'm valuable in certain ways, So if I'm the one who always does the dishes or I always give you a ride to work, I feel like there's a sense of control in the relationship. You need me, As opposed to just having a relationship where we know that we both enjoy spending time together. We've made this social contract of marriage together. And that's all that there needs to be exchanged, Right? So social contracts can help neurodivergent people, People-pleasers, Codependency, Lots of different kind of coping skills that we've been using to try to help relationships feel less unknown, Less guessing involved in that. But the social contract is a bit of an easier, Healthier way of doing that. And speaking of unknowns, In my observation, We are all guilty of this. We walk around acting like we have telepathy. And while I love that concept and hopefully we get there someday, We're not at that point right now. But we so often expect others to read our minds. And we're not expressing what we want. Verbally in a way that they can understand. In fact, I remember a specific movie, Mel Gibson, What Women Want, Where he got the super ability to read women's minds. And hear all those things that were going on inside that they weren't actually telling him. About their wants and needs and desires and all he was doing was acting like he had the answer sheet to the test. And doing everything to meet their needs and make them happy and then he became the perfect partner for these women. And, You know, It's a humorous way of looking at it. But the kind of the moral that's missing there is. . . Why aren't people saying exactly what they want? Why are we expecting people to read our minds? And so an example for Carolyn and I was we weren't even aware of it. We were going to concerts and sometimes we would have a good time and sometimes we wouldn't. And we started getting on a streak where we were not having good times at concerts and we had to sit back and reflect and dissect and say what's going on here? What's this friction point that we keep running into? And we both identified that we had different expectations for the concerts. And we were just going with that and expecting that to happen without communicating it to each other. But our expectations were totally different. She would want to stand somewhere else. I would want to be down in the crowd. She would want to leave at a certain time. I would want to stay longer. And so both of us are getting disappointed and irritated with the other one because they're ruining our expectation of how it should have gone when we never communicated it in the first place. And so we learned that lesson. We addressed that friction point. We said, What is the problem? Why do we keep doing this? We don't want to keep repeating this pattern. And we went to another concert and we talked ahead of time and said, What do we want this to look like this time? Okay, We will get this close to the stage. We will leave at this particular point in the concert. And, You know, We will buy these t-shirts or whatever. We both had a great time. We both knew what to expect. We both honored our commitment. We both signed that contract. It worked out beautifully and that's how we'll do it from now on If there's a show that I want to go to and she doesn't want to she's not particularly interested in that artist I don't want her to go and I've expressed that now to her don't do this for me It's actually it's not as fun to go with somebody who I know is not really into that and that just helps make it better Like she knows she's off the hook. She doesn't need to do that for me. I don't want her to do that for me I'll find somebody else that will actually enjoy the concert and we're both happy. And again, That kind of brings up that people-pleasing. The concert experience earlier in our relationship was different. Number one, We were younger. That was about 10 plus years ago. As I've gotten older, As I've headed into perimenopause or possibly menopause at this stage, My ability, The capacity that I have for dealing with large crowds, For getting bumped into over and over has gotten less. And that's just something that I've recognized about myself. Wow, I have been getting younger and younger as the years have gone on, And I'm just as excited to get in the crowd and jump around with the rest of the young people. Right. And so so absolutely. So that's Jesse's expectation is that he gets to be in the crowd. He really enjoys that. I don't mind being in a crowd, But there is something about just like getting bumped into that really kind of aggravates me. And so and that's not something that was necessarily quite as true 10 years ago. Also, 10 years ago, I was trying to impress this guy. And so I was ignoring or masking my own needs. And I was more capable of doing that 10 years ago, To be honest. So I think that a lot of things can change over time. Just like when I talk with clients about their values, Values can change over time. You don't have to nail down or tattoo your values on your body today. Just like these social contracts may shift and change over time. So we talk with each other before every single concert because each concert may be a different experience. I may be at a different capacity level or I may be at a different excitement level depending on the performer. And so I want to really check in with Jesse and figure out what that wants to look like for that particular concert. And so sometimes we tend to fall into roles. I think if you think about your relationships, Whether it's with your partner, Your kids, Coworkers, We all kind of fall into different roles. You know, Sometimes you might have that one coworker that picks you up a coffee every Friday. That's a social contract, Right? So they don't have to be these rigid things that take fun out of our lives. Sometimes it might be helpful to do those things more purposefully. Maybe, Again, When you first started dating or first started setting up a house together, You were used to living on your own, So you kind of did all of the household chores and didn't really ask much from your partner. Well, 10 or 15 years down the line, If you're still doing that, There might be some resentment that's showing up, But it's because we're not expressing those needs. So it's really important that we do this purposefully and take a look kind of globally at our relationship. What are some of the social contracts that we've fallen into that we actually didn't really agree on or didn't discuss to see if these things felt even or fair with each other? And when we talk about social contracts, We want to make it very clear that these are negotiations. These are not terrorist demands or hostage demands. We can have deal breakers, We can have things that are non-negotiable, But we need to be flexible on the things that we can be. And so we both come in, We both approach as we sit down and say, Okay, We need to talk about a new social contract. I'm excited. I'm like, Yes, Let's figure this out. I don't want to experience this friction pattern that we've been dealing with for so long. And we both come to the table. With the idea of fair negotiation. We want both parties to be happy in this. Yeah, Anything. Recognizing that has been a huge change for me, Again, As someone who very often hasn't expressed my needs or even thought about my needs. Recognizing that if I come to Jesse and I let him know, Hey, I'm feeling anxious about this, And so I'd like to make a social contract, The fact that he responds to that openly and is actually excited to do that because he knows that's going to mean that my anxiety is going to be less, I'm going to have a better time, And we both have more accurate expectations of what the day is going to look like. And so it's really helpful that my partner, When I say, Hey, I'd like to talk about a social contract, Jesse puts everything down and is excited to engage with me in that and is interested in, Okay, What social contract are we wanting to talk about? And same for him. So if he ever comes to me with that, I try my very best to really focus on what he's asking for and be ready to negotiate and hear what it is that he's actually needing and where we might have some room to kind of navigate little bit. And the goal is for both parties or all parties involved to be happy with the contract, To feel like they got something that's fair, Something that works for everybody involved, And everybody has to sign off on it. And there are consequences for a contract. Maybe this isn't a legally binding contract. But I know that if Carolyn says, We need to leave at this time, Otherwise I will start feeling anxious and it's going to be difficult. I know that that's the natural consequence. If I fail to meet what I agree to, And I'm not ready at that time, And she's anxious, I have no right to get upset with her. It's my fault. I agreed to the contract. I need to honor it. And if for some reason we're not going to be perfect, We don't live up to what we said we were going to do, We keep working at it and we accept those natural consequences that we're going to get some flack, We're going to get some strife if we don't honor what we say we're going to do. Yeah, And so it's important to think about kind of maybe the different areas in our life where we can potentially create social contracts. Things like at work or just recognizing that socially we all have social contracts. You know, If we show up somewhere and we all stand in a line, We expect that the people who show up after us are going to stand in the line behind us, Right? Or a movie theater, If you are in a movie theater, We expect that you will shut up and not pretend like you're in your living room, Right? Some people have forgotten this lately. We deal with these contracts in our personal lives as well with our partners. Even when it comes down to household chores, You want to be expressly communicating what is expected of both partners, What is reasonable for both partners. In the bedroom. People need to express their needs and their wants and desires and communicate about those things openly. I think it's shocking how many people don't openly communicate with their partners. And just resign themselves to not being happy or getting their needs met. And there can be a lot of reasons for that. You know, I want to validate that you may have grown up in a household where you didn't really get to express your needs or where it felt dangerous even to express your needs. Or maybe in previous relationships, You've expressed your needs and been disappointed. Right. So it takes time. This may be something to work with a therapist around. Or it may be something, You know, One of the most beautiful things about a relationship is that we get the opportunity to work through these things. But we have to be able to trust our partner and practice that vulnerability. So opening up a what you want in the bedroom may feel a little ways off. So maybe you start with something like chores or like we're talking about, Hey, If we're going to be going out to this event, I'd like to leave by a certain time. Let's create a bit of a social contract and just start building up to that, You know. So if talking about your needs in other ways feels too vulnerable right now, Start with the smaller things. So the point and purpose of this is to try to reduce the resentment that occurs in our relationships. Previously, When we were getting ready to go, Go anywhere fun, For example, As Jesse said, I would a lot of times wind up with that anxiety. Are we going to leave on time? Are we going to be running late? And I would get anxious before, You know, The time to leave even got there. And so that's on me. Social contracts don't mean that I get to just have my my bad behavior, Poor coping skills that impact my partner. So recognizing that I've said we're going to leave it to and Jesse knows today, For example, We're going to leave at about 2 o'clock. We've got a movie event that we're going to, And we need to leave on time. The event starts at a certain time. If we're going out to brunch with friends and we leave a few minutes late, That's where the negotiation is a little bit different than we really do say, Well, I'd like to leave around 11 o'clock. And we both know that five, 10 minutes within that 11 o'clock time frame is OK. So it's 11 o'clock. Jesse is still wrapping up, Kind of doing the last of his things. I go sit down somewhere and work on my own anxiety that's naturally arising because it's 11 o'clock and I thought we were going to leave and, You know, Whatever that is. So it just means that we both recognize that there's consequences. That is OK for me to also work on my own anxiety while asking Jesse to help me not have that flare up quite as much. So we really built a lot more trust. I know that Jesse is a lot more mindful about leaving on time because he doesn't want me to be anxious. It's not that fun to be around me when I'm anxious and it's not fun to go and do things in that way. So this helps reduce resentment and helps increase the chances that our needs are actually going to get met. The number of clients that I hear who tell me that they haven't expressed these deep needs that they have to their partners surprises me and I always say to Jesse I'm so grateful that we have this relationship where truly he's really kind of created that open door and I think for a lot of a lot of times men do in a relationship between a man and a woman, Very often men are kind of leaned on for that. I would love to express those needs, But if I don't feel safe enough to do that, But he's given me that opportunity, Just like I hope I've given it to him. And it is an opportunity, You know, When you agree to these social contracts, What you're doing is you're giving the other person an opportunity to succeed in meeting their needs and expectations. And they're not always going to be successful, But they have a lot higher chance of being successful if they know what they're shooting for in the first place. They have to know what the goal is and how to get there, And it's up to them to honor their end of the commitment. So, We suggest that you sit down and identify a few areas of friction that constantly or regularly arrive in your personal relationships, Whether it be romantic or family or even work. And sit back and re-examine those things and ask yourself, What are my needs and expectations? What do I want to get out of this? And bring that to the other person in a very open and receiving way to get back and forth and just get a dialogue and just get it out there and say, This is what I'm looking for. What can you do? Can you meet me here on these issues? And hopefully you'll. . . You'll get to those points and those points will start getting smoother. They won't have so much friction and the engine just runs smoother from there. And it can be helpful to use your sense of humor. If you are a fan, Like we are of Big Bang, Really, Truly, Call it the social contract. Or sometimes I'll call Jesse Sheldon. It's okay to use your sense of humor. It's okay to negotiate these things. I know that it feels vulnerable. When I ask Jesse for help, Sometimes it feels very vulnerable. And so when he wants to negotiate that, In the past, Sometimes I've gotten very defensive. I asked for what I needed, And now you're saying I can't have it. That's not how relationships work, Right? I can come to him and say, Hey, And I have, I've come to him and said, Hey, I want to talk about this social contract, I feel anxious about this, Or this feels really vulnerable. So I really ask you to be thoughtful about how you respond. And that again, That sets him up for success and me, You know, I'm more likely to get what I'm looking for. Because he may be 1000 miles away thinking about something else. And even though he does stop and focuses on me, He may not realize how vulnerable this feels or how anxious I or tight I might feel around it. So just letting someone know. And again, Starting with small practices that don't feel quite as vulnerable or quite as dangerous. And then if you are moving into that territory, Like let's say you are talking about something as far as intimacy goes or in the bedroom, Let your partner know, Hey, I want to talk about this thing. It feels very vulnerable. Can we have a conversation about a social contract? And if they say no, Now's not the best time. Amazing. Great job. Give them positive feedback for that. Okay, When would be a better time to do this? So social contract doesn't always have to mean that you can drop everything. It just means I'm asking for that, Or can we set up a time to do it, You know, In the future? So take a look at things, See where you can smooth out those friction points. So in the Navy we say fair winds and following seas, But that is often the easiest time to captain your own ship. So no matter what the weather, We hope that you approach life with insight and self-compassion and a steady hand at the helm. Take care, Friends.