This Will Transform The Way You See Your Partner

Anything I do that's irresponsible,

Selfish,

Sort of erratic,

Will trigger Belinda.

I can count on it.

Anything she does that's controlling,

Demanding,

Critical,

Will trigger me.

She can count on it.

What will float our boat?

The opposite of our CNIs.

I'm Terry Reel,

The founder of Relational Life Therapy,

And I want to talk to you today about an amazing turnaround that's available for you.

Turning your worst couple's enemy into one of your best friends and tools.

I know,

That sounds almost pie-in-the-sky unrealistic,

But it's not.

I was sitting with a client one day,

A Wampanoag,

Native American,

And she told me that there was an old Wampanoag saying,

Deep in the heart of your worst enemy.

You are going to look deep in the heart of your worst enemy and find a good friend,

An ally in doing well in your relationship.

What is this enemy?

We call it your core negative image of your partner,

CNI,

Core negative image,

And their CNI of you.

Your CNIs of each other are driving each other crazy.

Your CNIs of each other are probably 99% of the fights that you're having,

Either explicit fights or shut down,

You know,

Passive,

Aggressive,

Quiet fights,

But fighting nonetheless.

What is your CNI?

Your CNI is who you see your partner as being when they seem to you the most impossible,

The most hopeless.

The father of couples therapy wrote back in the 50s when it was assumed if you were in bed with somebody,

It was your spouse.

He wrote,

The day you turn to the person sleeping next to you and you say to yourself,

Oh my God,

I have been had.

This is all a dreadful mistake.

This is not the person I fell in love with.

I'm trapped.

That day,

Said Framo,

Is the first day of your real marriage.

We all.

Feel this.

It's normal.

You're talking to the man who coined the phrase normal marital hatred.

When you look at your partner and you go,

It's like looking at them through the wrong end of a telescope,

You know?

And when you look at them and it's like,

Oh my God,

How did I wind up with you?

You are looking through the spectacles of your core negative image.

What is your core negative image?

Well,

First of all,

It's core.

Which is a gift.

You know,

There's a saying in couples therapy,

Most couples have the same fight for 40 years.

It's because my CNI is fighting with your CNI and the two of them are battling each other.

You and I can sit down and have a beer.

We're not even there anymore.

Our CNIs have totally taken over.

But it's consistent.

When I see my wife,

Belinda,

We've been married 40 years now.

When I see my wife as impossible,

It's the same type of impossible.

I saw her as being 30 years ago.

It doesn't mutate.

Thank goodness.

It's the same damn negative image for literally 30,

40 years if you last that long.

So it's consistent.

Second,

It's negative.

Your core negative image of your partner is an exaggerated version of who they are at their all time worst.

Let me say this again.

Who you are at your all-time worst.

It's not you at baseline.

It's certainly not you at your best.

And it's not even you at your worst,

Accurately,

Precisely.

It's sort of a purple journal,

A flowery,

Exaggerated caricature of you at your worst.

It's a long way away from who you really are.

But,

Ready?

It's you.

It's not the person next to you.

At this for quite a long time.

Her core negative image of me is that I am a charming,

I'll go for that,

Undependable man-child entitled boy,

Irresponsible,

Selfish boy.

And my core negative image of Belinda is that she is a critical,

Controlling,

Insatiable,

Angry,

Never satisfied witch.

By the way,

I don't mind outing with the complaining,

Ever angry sort of witch.

This is not a rare heterosexual pairing in our culture.

So here's what happens.

I leave the milk out of the refrigerator.

Boy,

This is 30 years ago when the kids were little.

Belinda sees that milk.

Is she angry or upset about that milk?

Oh,

No.

That milk triggers her core negative image of me.

She's not talking to the adult 40-year-old work and got a little sloppy that day.

No,

No,

No.

She's talking to the selfish,

Irresponsible boy who will never be responsible,

Who doesn't even care about being responsible.

She turns to me and she's pissed.

You know,

Terry,

We agreed we're role models for these kids.

You grew up in a sloppy,

Chaotic home.

We don't want to do that for our children.

We don't want to model this kind of sort of carelessness for them.

We want to are with the damn milk.

If she was speaking to me moderately,

I would have an option.

I'm sorry,

I'll go to the store and get some more milk.

You're absolutely right.

But it isn't moderate.

She is talking to the enemy.

Irresponsible boy.

What do I do?

Well,

Here's what's devilish.

Her CNI triggers mine.

So I don't respond to the grain of truth in the of her reactivity and the way that she's talking about me as if I were an irresponsible boy instead of a grown man.

In other words,

I am now talking to the angry,

Insatiable,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah.

CNI meets CNI and we are,

I mean,

This is too technical,

Off to the races.

Here's what's wonderful.

If you can,

In a safe environment by yourselves or with a facilitator,

Put your CNIs of each other on the table.

And own the grain of truth.

Stop reacting to the exaggeration of it and cop to the little bit that,

Yes,

No one is going to call Belinda a selfish girl child.

No one is going to call me overly demanding and controlling.

I'm the boy.

She's the mom.

There is a grain of truth.

Stop fighting it and own it.

It diffuses it.

It's like the Chinese finger.

Don't pull against it.

I can't believe you're so exaggerated.

Lean into it.

Yes,

I can be irresponsible.

Your partner CNI of you are operating the instructions.

Your CNI of you is a compass pointing in the opposite direction of where you want to go.

Anything I do that's irresponsible,

Selfish,

Sort of erratic will trigger Belinda.

I can count on it.

Anything she does that's controlling,

Demanding,

Critical will trigger me.

She can count on it.

What will float our boat?

The opposite of our CNIs.

The milk is running low in the refrigerator.

I went to the store and got two quarts here.

Oh,

Good man.

Hey,

Terry,

You did a terrific job with dot,

Dot,

Dot.

I just want to tell you how much I appreciate that.

CNI busting behaviors,

The opposite of what drives your partner crazy.

Try it out.

And now I have to tell you the one and only,

Maybe there's going to be more,

But so far,

A relational life therapy joke.

Ever created.

Ready?

I didn't come up with it as a student did.

Couples fighting.

A little puppy comes in.

They're all nervous.

Oh,

They stop fighting because the puppy's so upset.

Puppy leaves.

They start fighting.

Puppy comes in.

Oh,

My God.

They stop fighting because the puppy's upset.

Puppy leaves.

Puppy comes in.

They look at each other and they go,

Oh,

My God.

It's a CNI dog.