Dear Grief Guide, I Want To Support Someone Who's Grieving

A thoughtful husband is curious about how to best support his wife on her sister's upcoming death anniversary. I read his anonymous letter and then offer him practical tools and compassionate wisdom for growing through grief.

Dear Grief Guide is a weekly advice podcast where I answer anonymous letters from people feeling lost, stuck, or overwhelmed in the midst of grief.

Music © Adi Goldstein, Used with Permission

Transcript

Hello and welcome to Dear Grief Guide, A podcast where each week I answer one anonymous letter from a listener feeling lost, Stuck, Heartbroken, Or overwhelmed in the midst of grief. My name is Shelby Forsythia. I'm a grief coach and author, And I'm here to help you create a life you love from the life loss forced you to live. Let's get to today's letter. Dear Grief Guide, My wife's sister passed away almost a year ago, And I want to do something meaningful for her as the anniversary of her death approaches, But I'm struggling to come up with ideas. My wife and her sister were incredibly close, And losing her to cancer at just 33 was devastating for all of us, But my wife most of all. I'm planning to get her a bouquet of her sister's favorite flowers, But I'm wondering if there's something more I can do to make her feel truly loved and supported during this difficult time. I want her to know that I'm here for her, And that her sister's memory is still very much alive in our lives. If you have any suggestions or advice, I'd be so grateful. Thanks so much. Signed trying to support. Hi there, Trying. I want to start off by saying I can see how hard you're trying. I see your intention here, Your care, Your desire to mark this day and to mark your wife's relationship with her sister as something significant, As something meaningful, As something that has changed both of your lives permanently and for always. I hope in addition to these flowers that you send, The first thing I want to offer you is that you'll give her some sort of handwritten note to go along with the flowers. Even if you just say what you said in your letter, I'm here for you, Your sister's memory is so alive in both of our lives, And I know you love her so incredibly much. Like even just that simple sentiment on a tiny little card with flowers is something that has a permanence that flowers don't have, And something that she can tuck away and keep forever. Just acknowledging the weight of your wife's sister's presence in both of your lives and the importance and significance and the meaningfulness of continuing to weave her into your everyday. I want to offer you something else because it sounds like this death anniversary is coming up pretty quickly, And this is something I've suggested here on previous episodes of Dear Grief Guide, But that does not diminish its usefulness. It is one of my favorite tools for navigating what you know for sure is going to be a difficult day. Some grief anniversaries or grief dates we can see coming. We get the luxury or the dread of knowing that they're on the way. Death anniversaries, Birthdays, Other anniversaries, Dates where maybe you found a diagnosis or something like that, These are all dates that we can see coming. There are other days that catch us totally off guard that we could have never seen coming where the platform and blog What's Your Grief often refers to these as grief bombs, Where we are suddenly snuck up on and then bombed by the weight of grief, But you get both the luxury and the dread in this instance of knowing that a big grief date is coming. The gift of that, If there is one to be found, Is that you can plan ahead for it. One of my favorite tips, Tools, Suggestions for this is to make a menu of things you could do on the day. And I want you to rank this menu based on things that require very little energy but still feel like they're honoring your sister-in-law, Your wife's sister, And things that require a bit more energy, And then things that require a lot of energy. So maybe at the top of a piece of paper I would set a timer for five to ten minutes or so, And just as much as you can brainstorm to put on this menu, That's what's appropriate for this. And you can do this in partnership with your wife, You can do it without her, But you can certainly do it in partnership with her, And a lot of times as a grieving person being able to opt in to the experience that I could have on a day helps me feel more power in the face of grief. So see if this is something your wife wants to do with you as opposed to you feeling a pressure to sort of make the day special or make it significant all on its own. So sit down together, Set a timer, Make a cup of tea, Make it a date, A grief date of sorts, Something that deepens your relationship together as you honor her sister. So top of the page, On this date, To honor sister's name, We could. And then low energy, Medium energy, High energy, And as many ideas as you have for each of those columns, Write them down, Even if they seem too small to matter, Even if they seem too big to put together right now. So small and you could lay in bed and go through a scrapbook together or an album on your phone. You could move to the living room and put on a movie. You could wear an article of her clothing or wear her perfume or an item of jewelry just around the house all day. A lot of these low energy activities do not require any more than one simple action and do not require interaction with others or leaving the house, Which are often bigger expenditures on a grieving person's energy. Maybe something in the middle column is, Yes, You leave the house, But you don't necessarily see other people. So this could be something like going to see a movie. This could be going to one of your sister-in-law's favorite restaurants or someplace that's special to the two of you. It could be burning magic wish paper out by the lake safely. It could be doing something like taking a walk in a park together or going to pick out flowers in person as opposed to having them delivered to the house. That might be something that could feel like a medium energy activity. And then for a high energy activity, Usually in my brain, I tilt towards something like planning an event that includes other people. So maybe, Yes, Going to dinner, But inviting if you have children or your wife's sister had children could be worth inviting them. Or if she was married or partnered, Inviting those people. If your wife's parents are still alive, Inviting those people. Really anybody who loved and wants to remember your sister to come along for the ride. It could look like planning a party or a picnic or some other sort of get together where you all play games and share stories and laugh together. And whether you have it catered or make the food yourself, Those are things that would require higher energy. But oftentimes, Especially when people are feeling alone or like so much time has passed that their grief no longer matters, Putting together something at that scale is really a phenomenal way to say, Yes, This still matters to us, But it matters to all these other people too. The weight of it in a calendar oftentimes feels so much more significant when there are other people there to witness, Celebrate, Mourn, And honor with us. So those could be some things that live in the high energy column. Also things high energy column is to take a trip, To literally gather up belongings, Put them in a suitcase and go either out of town, Out of state, Out of the country. Things like that would be high energy things on your menu for this day. And what you can do, And I haven't mentioned this before here on Dear Grief Guide, Is you can save this menu for the future. Yes, You were planning for your sister-in-law's death anniversary this year, But revisiting this menu year after year after year, Or for your sister-in-law's birthday or other events that are significant to her and to you and the family, These could be things that you, Well, On this occasion we're going to do this and make it kind of big, On this occasion we'll keep it small. Or you can vary the things that you do each time based on what other stuff is going on in your life. Maybe somebody's in grad school and you don't have the time to spare, So you keep things medium to small on that grief occasion. Maybe you've got so much time and energy and joy and people happen to be in town that you want to celebrate with, So you go into something high energy for that grief anniversary. The beauty of making this grief menu, Especially when you do it in collaboration with each other, Is it can be a sort of living document that carries forward, And as you see other examples in the world, Whether through TV and movies or music or the media or in the lives of other people that you know, Of them honoring their loved ones, You can add things to the menu over time. Oh, Isn't that such a great idea, To run a 5K in memory of a person or to take a yoga or kickboxing class in honor of a person or to plant a garden? We didn't even think of that. What a great idea. And so to have this exist as a living, Meaning document that you can keep adding to over time and finding new ways, If you want to, To celebrate and honor and grieve your sister-in-law is a really phenomenal way to keep her fire burning, To keep her presence strong within the relationship that you have with your wife. And the last thing I'll say and give you today is this. Whatever happens and whatever you plan for on this menu, When you get to the day of follow her lead, Follow your wife's lead, She is going to be, Because she, Of all the people you know, Is the closest person to her sister, The closest person to the loss, Whatever she has the energy for, Whatever she feels she needs to express, Whatever she feels she needs to do in the world that day, To honor her sister, Follow her lead. Make it easy for her to cancel dinner reservations. Be the person who calls the restaurant and cancels them for her with no penalty or covering the penalty if there is one. Make it easy to receive flowers, Have a vase and water ready. Make it easy to find albums of photos if they're stored somewhere in your house. Make it easy to communicate with loved ones by offering to be a liaison over the phone. Whatever it is, Consider as you're creating this menu how you can soften the administrative tasks of being a griever so on that day she can simply be a griever. And these are good practices throughout your relationship, But especially on a day that you know for sure you get the luxury and the dread of knowing the date is coming. Be a person in her life that she can look to as a reliable source of, I've got it. I've got this part. You grieve. You take care of yourself. You take care of your heart. I'll call the restaurant. I'll call your father. I'll call the friends and tell them not to come or tell them to come later this week or tomorrow. I'll reschedule the event. I'll put the flowers in a vase. Like just these tiny little extra steps that are included in so many little things. If you can take the weight of that off of a grieving person who is already paying the grief tax just by existing in a world where someone they love has died, It is such a gift and such a blessing to be partnered to somebody or to be friends with somebody who can take on that task. That's a really solid practical way. You can support a grieving person on an anniversary. Don't make them cancel a reservation. You do it. Don't have them put the flowers in water unless that's a passion and a joy of theirs, Arranging flowers. You cut the flowers and put them in water. It's these little tiny things that require so much more energy because what that affords you is if you're the person who can do those things on that day and beyond, Is they get more energy not only to grieve, But to spend more energy on these medium to high level energetic outputs. Maybe dinner at a restaurant's not feasible, But maybe they do want to leave the house and they'll have more energy for leaving the house if they don't have to call the restaurant cancel, If they can just put on their shoes and get in the car. What a gift. What a gift. I'm so trying to support. I see how hard you're trying. I can tell how much you care. I resonate with this need and desire to, As you know, A date is coming to make a plan for it. So here's your mission. Here's your plan. And here's all the ways you can help and support in the meantime. I hope it goes as well as it can. As one of my dear friends, Elua Arthur, She's a death doula, Says, You don't have to have a good day. You just have to have a day. And so if you simply have a day, That is enough while grieving. And if you want to pass that along to your wife, Please go ahead. I am sending so much love and so much luck to both of you.