Hello my darling and thank you for letting me sit with you today right now for a little while.
This is such an interesting time,
Such a difficult time.
There's no doubting it is a challenging time for everyone.
But if you're like me and if you're a person who has either struggled in the past or struggles today with toxic behaviors or addictions,
Then the fight is a little bit different.
I want to say that it's a little bit harder than for other people.
We are fighting the anxiety and the fear and the overwhelm and the feeling of being out of control that everyone is feeling in some way or another.
But for people like us it's a little harder because we fight the voice in our head.
We fight our own personal demons that basically want us to go back and use that thing that in the past has served us to escape our pain,
Our fear,
And our overwhelm.
And we know rationally that going back to the use of that substance or relationship or pattern or behavior is going to land us in trouble.
Rationally we know that.
But because our fear and our anxiety is so difficult to manage,
It seems like a really good solution.
So today I'm here to talk to you and give you a little shift in perspective because I actually believe,
In fact,
That people like you and like me are better equipped to go through the scenario that the world is going through.
Yeah,
I know.
What a mind shift,
Huh?
Here,
Let me talk to you a little bit about why I think that.
If I may,
I'll tell you a story.
For decades I used alcohol to escape my reality.
You see,
I thought that alcohol was my best friend.
It was the reliable companion that I had at the tips of my fingers that would allow me to celebrate and have fun and be social and feel like I fit in the world.
I also used it when I was uncomfortable and stressed and overwhelmed and depressed and broken.
And eventually,
Instead of becoming my solution,
It became truly the problem that just took over my life.
For the last 10 years,
I have been in a journey of recovery and transformation.
My addiction to alcohol became the launching pad for me to find a new life,
For me to become a different person,
And for me to today reach out to others like me who struggle to share my hope and my experience and my practical way of seeing things.
As I go through this experience of being at home,
Of looking at the terrible pain that the world as a one beautiful broken animal is facing,
As I face my own personal fears,
How is this going to affect me?
Am I going to be okay?
Are my loved ones,
My child,
My parents who live in a different country,
Are they going to be okay?
What about my finances?
Is my job secure?
What happens if I lose it?
How am I going to survive?
What happens if this continues?
When is this going to end?
These are very difficult things and just like I just shared my musings with you,
I know that you are struggling with the same kind of scenarios or even worse.
And for me what happens when I have that thought process in my head is I immediately have an old siren song in my head.
It's this old familiar whisper that says,
You know,
A bottle of wine would make this feel so much easier.
Well,
That is true.
But what is also true is that if I were to go back to the bottle of wine,
Which between you and me wouldn't be a bottle,
It would be more like four or five over 24 hours.
I actually can do that,
Which is really scary.
My whole life would fall apart.
It would.
Look,
I'm not a fan of that whole playing the tape thing because I believe that playing the tape alludes to the rational part in me.
And for me,
Addiction is not a rational process.
For me,
It's an illness that overtakes my mind.
And so playing the tape has never been something that I have faithfully resorted to.
But if we were to do that and if we were to unpack a little bit what that reality would be like for me,
What it would be like is I would have the bottle of wine.
I would feel relief.
I would feel perhaps power or lightness for a little while.
However,
The following day and the afterwards and the next one,
I would sink.
I get disconnected from myself and from everything that is sacred to me the minute that I succumb to my addiction.
My brain doesn't see it as succumbing to addiction.
My brain sees it as,
You know,
It's not going to be that bad.
That's what my brain tells me.
But it is that bad for me.
I would be lost in a place of so much shame,
So much sadness,
Such disappointment in myself.
I would feel pain,
Blame,
Guilt,
Resentment against myself and everything around me.
I would go back to a place of victimhood.
And frankly,
If those around me saw or understood what was going on,
I would also receive the shame and the anger and the finger pointing from their side.
None of it would be good.
Relapsing is never good.
And although I am the queen of relapse,
Because I did it in 2014 and got stuck after five years of sobriety I drank again and couldn't get out for two years,
I know how hard it is to relapse because for two years I did it over and over.
And it is painful.
It is never really a good moment to do that.
But right now,
Right now,
Here's what sobriety has to offer to you today.
When we are and stay and use our sobriety to ground ourselves on who we are,
All of a sudden the world feels like a place where you can find possibility.
How do you find possibility in a moment where everything is shut down and people are dying and everything is uncertain?
By looking.
By being.
By being present.
By not tapping out.
By taking things one day or even one breath at a time.
By using your tools.
Releasing that of which you have no control over.
Accepting the things that you can't control.
Being grateful for the wisdom to understand the difference.
Doing one next right thing every second.
Just one.
Just one at a time.
Having faith.
Taking a leap.
Knowing that just because you can't see the end doesn't mean that it isn't there.
Reaching out to help other people.
Extending a hand virtually.
Making a phone call.
Touching base via a text or a zoom meeting.
Being the source of joy.
How are you feeling?
Is there anything I can do to help?
Being the source of joy.
Not just for the ones around you which is so important right now but for yourself.
You can actually get the opportunity to become your best friend through and because of your own grounding in a moment where instead of tapping out you get to choose your sobriety.
You get to dive and widen and deepen this beautiful moment in which you are really all you have.
And in many cases for example if you're a parent or a partner or a daughter or a son or a brother or a sister you actually can be the source of grounding for other people.
How could you do that if you were to succumb to your addiction?
How could you play that role?
Believe me I know how sweet that little voice will sound.
I know.
I hear it.
And I will probably continue to hear it.
That's what it is.
But as soon as I hear it I identify that that's not really the voice of my higher power.
That's really not the voice of my highest self.
That is the voice of my addiction.
And what it wants is not what is best for me.
Is it a shitty moment in time right now?
Fuck yes.
Yes,
Yes it is.
And there is fear.
And there is such an opportunity for you to dive into moments of self compassion,
Of self love,
Of giving yourself what you need which sometimes may look like a nap.
Which sometimes may look like taking yourself out for a walk around the block.
Keeping distance of course.
Sometimes it may mean like reading.
Sometimes it actually may mean like screaming into a pillow.
And sometimes it may mean taking a deep breath and trusting.
Knowing that this will pass.
Knowing that you can do this in little bites.
Knowing that you actually are lucky.
If you are like me this is actually not the first time that you are facing an invisible illness that is trying to kill you.
If you are like me this is not the first time that you feel isolated and disconnected from the world.
If you are like me this is not the first time when you wonder when the hell are you going to feel better.
When is this all going to end?
When is the world going to feel normal again?
We've done this before.
We've been there.
What you are experiencing is not just your experience.
We are all in it.
I don't know about you but it gives me relief to feel like I'm not the only one.
And it also brings a sense of responsibility of how I choose to show up in this moment in time.
When I look into the future.
When things get back to normal.
And they will.
Whatever normal looks like at the time.
I would like to look back and see the way that I chose to show up to this journey.
For myself and for others.
And I will look back with compassion because there will be days when I'm a mess.
I want to feel proud of myself.
I want others to find hope and serenity in me.
If I get really wild and rebellious,
Which I am and I do,
I want to think that I can even be the voice of thriving and empowerment for those around me.
Why not?
Let's dream big.
Look,
I'm not asking you to be perfect.
I'm not asking you to be a bundle of joy during this difficult time.
But I am asking you to take a deep breath and realize how incredibly strong you are.
How you aren't a victim.
How you have the tools.
How in a way,
If you are like me and I think that you are,
You have been training for this all your life.
I feel like I get two choices when I open my eyes in the morning and reality sets in.
I can dive into a position of victimhood and self-pity and disempowerment and fear and anxiety and don't get me wrong,
I have moments of those and I'm okay with that.
Or I can choose to be grounded,
Serene,
Faithful,
Hopeful and remember that I am strong.
Remember that I'm a warrior.
Remember that I can be there not just for myself but for others.
We came to this world to learn and then teach.
To open our hearts and then to give that heart and that love to others.
To go through the experience of life and then watch as others do the same.
You are a guide.
You are strong.
You've done this before and if your head is saying,
No I haven't,
I challenge you.
Maybe you've received the invitation.
Maybe this is the moment to actually rise.
Listen,
We're here.
You and me.
With everyone else in this moment.
We will be okay.
We will learn.
We will figure this out.
We will survive.
I encourage you to remember your source.
To remember your strength.
To empower yourself.
To shift and remember you've got this.
You're a badass.
You're not a victim.
And if when you sat down to listen to my voice a few minutes ago,
You were in that position of victimhood,
Take a deep breath right now.
Right now let's do it together.
You can choose.
You can choose how you show up.
You can choose how you go through the next minute.
The next hour.
The next day.
Stay grounded my love.
Stay strong.
Stay inside of your heart.
Come back to your breath.
Come back to this moment where you're sitting with my words and your heart and your soul.
Put your hand in the center of your chest and just hold.
You are strong.
You're whole.
You are safe.
You are a warrior.
You can do this.
One day at a time.
Showing up in all your beautiful humanity.
Showing up with your powerful,
Powerful strength.
Thank you for being here.
Thank you for showing up.
I want you to bow your head in gratitude.
Let your smile curl up a little bit on your lips.
There you go.
And thank yourself for this beautiful practice and for the beautiful opportunity that you've given yourself to shift.
You can do this.
I know you can.
