Helping Parents Find Their Footing

Emily talks with Dr. Jerry, who has worked with pre-teens, teens and their parents for 27 years and is a father of three, about parenting in a stressful time. They look at what a parent can and cannot control, how to notice stress early, why moving your body earlier in the day helps, and how resilience builds. He also describes moving from thought to action, coming back to the present through the five senses, and how putting your energy into other people gives your own mind a break. This content is educational and is not a substitute for one to one professional care.

Transcript

I am thrilled that you have taken some time out of your busy mama schedule to tune in and listen to our conversation today. Today we are joined by Dr. Gerry. Welcome. Thank you so much for having me. Yeah, Sorry. Let's start by having you introduce yourself a bit to our listeners and share how you came to be working in this space. Yeah. So I have been working with adolescent preteens and teens and parenting them both for 27 years. I'm a father of three. So I have a high schooler, A middle schooler and an elementary school or so wherever anybody is, I'm right there with you. And when people are struggling, You know, You don't have to go through trauma to have struggles today. I mean, There's a lot of people really struggling and parents most in it's for parents. It's a lot harder because this, The rate and pace of today is vastly different than what it was for our parents that raised us. And so parents are having a hard time. And that's why when you're outside walking around, You don't see. A lot of smiles. You don't see a lot of energy out. Everybody looks like they're 10% zombies. It looks different because it is different. Yeah, And that's really where it starts with us as parents. Before we can really help our kids, We have to first help ourselves and regulate our nervous systems before we can regulate theirs. If you've ever told your kid to calm down when you were not calm. It probably backfired. Yeah, Well, You can't be a do as I say, Not as I do parent. They're so smart, Regardless of age. They see what you're doing and they compare and contrast what you say versus what you actually do. And as parents, I mean, Look, It's a crazy life. Everybody feels like they're drinking out of a fire hose. Everybody has stress to some extent. It's a very, Very challenging time. And if there's ever been a time where you quote unquote, Have to put the air mask on yourself before your kids, It is now because your kids are so dependent on your stability in in an unstable world. And if you're parenting with somebody else, You're one half of the stability. If you're parenting by yourself, You are the stability. And because things are so unstable, It's really, Really, Really important for us as parents to grasp the mental health tools we need, To take the time we need to be able to keep things okay enough so that there's more of us to go around, There's more energy, And we're providing that stability for our kids and our family. So what do you see as the most common struggle that parents are having now? Oh, 100% without a doubt, The concept of control, Right? We have so much happening and coming in all at once. And all of it, Our kids, Their schedules, If they're in sports or club programs, The amount of homework, Like all the stuff that we're navigating, The drivers in front, Around us that are distracted on their phones, Being late places, 100% of this are things that we cannot control. You know, The only control we have is how we react to and respond to the things that occur combined with the effort that we put into the things that we do. That's it. That's all we have. And when we step outside of those silos with those two control levers and we start trying to mentally chew on all this stuff that's going on that we can't control, Our stress goes up, Our anxiety goes up. We drastically increase the severity and the duration of the problem ourselves. We're doing it to ourselves. And that's why I'm saying it's got to be control because you are not going to be able to have a better grasp on your mental health. If control is not one of your number one priorities, Because you're not going to be able to regulate what's going on inside. If you have too much coming in at once, It's almost like a sub taken on water, Right? Like there's a lot of really good therapeutic tools out there that we can talk about and you're not, They're not going to really work. You hear people say all the time, It doesn't work or it doesn't work for me. And part of the reason that there's, Well, There's a lot of convoluted information out there that isn't helpful, But the good ones that work, They make a big difference, But it's not going to work if you don't have control because if your subs taken on water, The therapeutic tools are the pump for the water. But when the doors open and water is just pouring and gushing through, There's no way those pumps are going to be able to keep up with that. However, When you can be mindful of what you can and can't control as often as possible, The minute you go, You know what this person or this situation does not control how I think or feel, I do. Shrunk, The door closes. Now you can utilize therapeutic tools to pump the water out and you're going to be a lot better. Yeah, Yeah. So how can a mama listening who is is like that sub taking on water how can she improve her ability to discern what she has control of. Right, Well, The only control, That's the thing, Is the only control that we have is how we react and respond to what's in front of us and the effort that we're putting in the things that we do, Right? That's our silo. And as soon as, If it doesn't fit in there, Then it's outside of us and it's something that we can't control plain and simply, Right? But being able to be so much more aware of that or noticing when your levels of stress, Anxiety, Or frustration, Or anger are really kind of creeping up on you, Being able to take a half a step back for three seconds to be able to go take a breath and go, This person or this situation or this kid in front of me does not control how I think or I feel I do, And you take that power back, Now you can do a lot with that. Yeah, You can. When you've built that awareness muscle, I compare it to a muscle like you go to the gym and exercise your ab muscles. Well, Awareness is kind of the same thing. Well part of that is we have to I really do believe that we have to make mental health a much higher priority than we do Oh 100% because no regardless of age it impacts everything all day every day relationships with people Drive focus motivation sports work school you name it and you know It's kind of the engine of the car like if your check engine light goes on All of us stop and get the car checked because we need that engine to get us through life And that's to me mental health and what's happening right now is everybody's so busy and so stressed and everything's so chaotic that the check engine lights are on, Everybody's driving around going, Oh, Like, Must be my brakes. I'll get that checked out in like six weeks. We have to make this a priority because it impacts everything every day. We have to be looking for that check engine light on. And if we can do that combined with control, Now we're gonna be able to get a much better grasp on the day-to-days and doing what I call counterbalancing the things that keep throwing us off and tipping us off our balance point in life throughout the day, All day, Every day. Yeah. So what are some simple things that mamas can do in their day to day? That would be quick that also prioritizes their mental health. Truly resilient, Because you haven't given up. And so I do believe that God, Life, Whatever you believe in, Doesn't give us things that we ultimately can't handle. And what's dropped in our lap is not meant for us to be overwhelmed by or down about. It's meant for us to overcome, Learn, Change, And grow from. And in doing so, It leads us to who we're supposed to be and where we're supposed to be next in life. And so learning how to stay resilient, Which is feeling like, Being like a spring or a coil. The more weight that gets pushed down on you, Push back against it. I would rather have people angry and mad that life was like this and pushing back against all the things that are going on rather than just kind of giving up and feeling helpless and hopeless, Right? Because as soon as you do that, You get flooded with depression, Anxiety, Stress, And then you get overwhelmed. So resilience is a key factor. Control is a key factor. Learning to regulate your thoughts is another huge factor because people are spending way too much time sitting around thinking. Thoughts create problems, Right? Like what we think about is then what we then feel internally. And so what you have now is a population, A percentage of the population of people that are focused on the bad things that are going on in their life that they can't control. And when they do that, They put what I call the mental magnifying glass on problems. And they ridiculously intensify the problems. When we're talking to kids about this at the clinic, You have to think in analogies, Because this is a very visual generation of kids. It's always, Most kids that have dogs say, Hey, You ever pick up dog poop? Yes. Did you ever, Before you close the bag up, Just bring it really close to your face and put your nose in there and smell it and put your finger in there to see what the dog ate? And everybody says no. So look, This is what's happening when you're dealing with poopy stuff in life. You know, It intensifies. It, Right? Thoughts create problems in a lot of cases. Actions fix problems. And so we have to pivot to, Okay, Yes, This is happening, But what's the action or actions I can take to make this better for myself or to get myself around it? Yeah. And so learning how to pivot from thought into action, If you have a problem in an optimal world, It would be your first thought is, Okay, What actions do I take? That's the thought, Okay? Instead of focusing and focusing and focusing. Where our mind is in time has a huge effect on how we feel. And for trauma, This is also a big part too, Which we've got the past, The present, And the future. Time is like a body of water going by. Two seconds is four seconds. Something that happened 10 seconds ago has gone down the river of time. It takes a lot of energy to grab that and bring it to your present and it bogs us down in the present. Trauma does, It infiltrates, Right? This is where we get flashbacks. It almost hits us on a cellular level. But at the same time, We can do things to still create distance from that. So it's not controlling us as much. And part of that is where your mind is in time. Like if you're spending time thinking backwards, If you're driving, If you spend too much time your rear view mirror, You crash in what's in front of you. It's the same thing in life, Right? So a lot of people that have situations like this, And a lot of the population that even doesn't have trauma has anxiety right now. There's a lot of people that are in the future making assumptions about who might be there, What might happen, What it's gonna be like. And none of us are God or life, We can't tell the future. And the attempt to do so is another square payground hole that then drives stress and anxiety up, Right? If you're in the past in your mind, You're going to have much higher likelihoods of being depressed or angry or both, Because that's where that lives. And if you're in the future in your mind, You're going to have much higher likelihoods of being anxious or stressed or both, Because that's where that lives. So learning how to be in the moment, In the here and now, Like when you're driving, You know, Looking over the front of your head, That's how you prepared for anything. That's the present. That's the here and now. And the way we get ourselves there is really by identifying our five senses. What do you see? What do you smell? What do you taste? What do you hear? What do you physically feel? On your body, Not in your body. On your body is the pressure of the chair or the couch on your butt and your back. When you can get yourself back there, The present becomes a warm, Protective little bubble that will keep you safe from anything that just happened or may happen in the future, And it's a really good place to be. Yeah, Yeah, It is. And right now. That's very true. Very true. Yeah. And there's the lenses that we choose to look at situations with, Because we talked about how your thoughts then create your feelings. The lenses positively or negatively that you choose to interpret situations with, Then create your thoughts, Which then create your feelings. So helping ourselves to find and challenge ourselves when things aren't good and we have a problem that exists, To be able to, What's the positive and the negative situation? There's always one or two. And if you can do that, A profound effect on how you feel. And by the way, We can trace low self-esteem with a high schooler all the way back to a habit they picked up in middle school. They got negative. They started looking at one thing that wasn't right. And when that happened, They started generalizing into all these other aspects of their lives. And as soon as they look at themselves with those negative lenses, Self-esteem plummets, Anxiety and social situations spikes up. They get stuck in that cycle. So really help on ourselves to find the pause. And the last one is where our energy goes. We have become a lot more about ourselves over the past bunch of decades. It's about me, What I think, What I believe, And what I believe you should believe too kind of stuff. And you can see how it feels out there with us living like that. The problem really is when we're about ourselves, When we're constantly thinking about what's wrong with our lives, What's not right, All these things that are happening, We now lose purpose and meaning in our life. Because purpose and meaning doesn't come from what you achieve or what you acquire. It comes from who you're here for. And who you're here for is an opportunity all day every day for both you and your kids out there to be able to achieve and derive purpose and meaning in your life. When the energy goes out, When the eye contact, Smiling, Putting energy into other people with some extra something behind your voice, Not just helping people, But the energy goes out, Not only does it make you feel better because you're putting a positive positive spin on somebody else's life. But if you are one of those people that thinks too much and you're thinking about the negative things, It gives you a break from that as well. And it's what society and I think the world needs right now. It's just a lot more love and energy out there to each other. Well, Yeah, It makes you feel better, But it also makes the person who receives it, They feel better as well. So it's It's not just one-sided. Oh, No way. I remember a bunch of decades ago, There was that pay it forward movement. I mean, I'm old. I'm 50. So, You know, So I remember that everybody was, You know, You pay, You're in line for Taco Bell, You pay for the people behind you and just take off. And they would do that too. And it was a really good couple of months. It felt so much better. I really do think we can get back to that, But we've got to make it about putting our energy out to other people. Yeah, Yeah, That was that was an assignment in high school. So Thank you so much for being here today. How awesome. Thanks again for being here. It was an absolute pleasure. Thank you for having me. Thank you so much for tuning in today.