Being Broke Became Proof Of My Authenticity

Words and music by Maura ten Hoopen. A spoken contemplation about the beliefs around money and a different way of living. Enjoy with bird sounds and composed background music, making it feel like a journey.

Love,
Maura

Transcript

Perfectly behaved, Emotionally contained and wealthy. That's what I saw when I looked around me growing up in the Netherlands. In some ways, I admire it. I admired them. For seeming so put together. But I couldn't pay the price of conformity. It's not in my system. It never has been. I've always been the kind of person who makes different choices. Probably crazy choices in the eyes of most. Like living in Egypt long term, In a Bedouin house with a hole in the door. While feeling like the luckiest girl in the world. I believe a big part of our beliefs come through our family and culture. Including the beliefs around money. So it made me think. What are my beliefs? Well, First of all, The belief that being rich means living an inauthentic life. Second, That it takes a dreadful 9 to 5 job. And unhappiness to live comfortably. That I need a man to depend on. Because I can't make it happen myself. Fourth, That without a lot of money I am unsafe and unworthy. A nice little mix of perhaps typical beliefs around money, Moving through me unaware. Keeping my life stuck in a loop of either adapting or poverty. Money has always made me feel uncomfortable. Having it? And not having it. I remember feeling strange about the enormous house my family and I used to live in. One part of me felt proud, While another part felt embarrassed. One part enjoyed it immensely, Yet another felt something was off. In no way is this me talking down on my family. I am so grateful for them. Without all their effort and hard work. I wouldn't have had this chance to try something different myself. But I have my own path to live. A path different from theirs. They can adapt into this hard-working structure. Building a life around work and money. While I physically get sick from even trying to fit in. I've always been that spiritual kid. With some cheeky sides and a way of triggering people, Specifically authority, Without even trying. A girl who gets sick easily when she's in an environment that doesn't suit her. My path is not the path of a 9-to-5 job. Nor is it only relying on a partner. Neither is it doing something that makes me wake up feeling stressed before the day has even started. That's probably why Egypt made me feel so alive. I felt the pressure finally drop. Because life was less expensive. And instead I discovered a slow lifestyle. That brought me more energy to actually create something that matters to me. But then. . . I came back to the Netherlands, Still unaware of my own beliefs, Ready to force myself into the hard-working life one more time. Well, That didn't turn out as planned. I got sick. It became pretty obvious that this way of living simply wasn't meant for me. And because I couldn't work health-wise, My intention to earn a lot of money flew out of the window. Instead? I became broke. As I am sharing this, It makes me laugh. It almost feels like an achievement and a relief. Not because I don't want money. But because I think I needed to be broke. In order to see clearer. And to stop trying so hard. To learn to feel safe and worthy without all of it. I did try to earn money outside of my beliefs. By doing things I enjoyed. And starting a small business? It just never took off, Because I didn't believe it was possible. Money kept slipping through my fingers. I think in a way being broke became proof for my subconscious that I was authentic. Because my subconscious believed that I had to choose between money, And an authentic life. Between money and happiness. Between money and independence. I see it so clear now. My beliefs were the reason I was either getting sick and unhappy or money was nowhere to be found. So, Here I am. Still carrying them in the background? But I see them now. And I've learned I'm in an environment where I don't flourish. Being broke helped me decide to follow my heart again. Back to Egypt. To build a long-term life based on softer ground, Not a rigid way of living, But slow and intuitive. Creating, Playing and sharing something with the world that comes through me naturally. I choose a different road, A road that inspires me to release those beliefs that were given to me. So I can give birth to something new. Beliefs that don't ask me to give up my authenticity and happiness for wealth. This new life will grow from simply being myself, As I am. Imperfectly unique. I have not succeeded yet. I haven't even truly started yet. But seeing this pattern with clarity. I know I'm on the right track. Meanwhile. . . I'll keep walking barefoot. Being me. Finding my own way. To abundance.

Reviews

Kudos to you, MtH, for your discernment, your iconoclastic temerity, your willingness to break free.
Your story needs telling, and your advice is gold.

It is quite remarkable that so few members of the Western workforce ever stop to ask themselves earnestly, “Is my career or choice of work compatible with my nervous system?” “Does it align with my core values?”

On three different occasions, in different occupations and industries, I stopped.
I took serious stock.
I listened intently to internal communications.
And it wasn’t the result of burnout, or prompted by profound dissatisfaction, either.
It surfaced quietly, steadily, and came in just above a whisper.

When the answers to those major queries proved negative, I pivoted. I switched it up. I even willingly went broke, myself, in an unspoken impulse to attempt to break down the ego entirely. Despite working to secure a high-skill, professional doctorate degree, I took on minimum wage, entry-level jobs.

Among other aims, I wanted to ensure that (a) I didn’t turn into a top-tier, insufferable a-hole with an unwarranted superiority complex; (b) I could give the finger to the “rat race” cohort of self-aggrandizing Americans obsessed with status, fame and power; and, (c) I could prove that living a ‘subsistence existence’ did not mean privation and misery.

I trusted the the leap of faith, trusted the process, and gave myself over to the unfoldment of life, unscripted and no longer pre-ordained. As today’s IT quote encourages us: “Try softer, not harder .”

Turns out that taking those roads less traveled, and listening to and then committing to marching to the beat of one’s own drummer (to borrow from the best lines of two great poems) reveals wondrous illuminations. It allows for a depth and breadth of freedom that is hard to articulate.

My advice for those temporary unfortunates who’ve either knowingly or innocently shackled themselves to rigid conformity and shallow socio-cultural expectations: instead, trust that internal compass, but, first, be sure to get quiet enough to be able to hear what your soul sings to you in the first place. ☮️