Perfectly behaved,
Emotionally contained and wealthy.
That's what I saw when I looked around me growing up in the Netherlands.
In some ways,
I admire it.
I admired them.
For seeming so put together.
But I couldn't pay the price of conformity.
It's not in my system.
It never has been.
I've always been the kind of person who makes different choices.
Probably crazy choices in the eyes of most.
Like living in Egypt long term,
In a Bedouin house with a hole in the door.
While feeling like the luckiest girl in the world.
I believe a big part of our beliefs come through our family and culture.
Including the beliefs around money.
So it made me think.
What are my beliefs?
Well,
First of all,
The belief that being rich means living an inauthentic life.
Second,
That it takes a dreadful 9 to 5 job.
And unhappiness to live comfortably.
That I need a man to depend on.
Because I can't make it happen myself.
Fourth,
That without a lot of money I am unsafe and unworthy.
A nice little mix of perhaps typical beliefs around money,
Moving through me unaware.
Keeping my life stuck in a loop of either adapting or poverty.
Money has always made me feel uncomfortable.
Having it?
And not having it.
I remember feeling strange about the enormous house my family and I used to live in.
One part of me felt proud,
While another part felt embarrassed.
One part enjoyed it immensely,
Yet another felt something was off.
In no way is this me talking down on my family.
I am so grateful for them.
Without all their effort and hard work.
I wouldn't have had this chance to try something different myself.
But I have my own path to live.
A path different from theirs.
They can adapt into this hard-working structure.
Building a life around work and money.
While I physically get sick from even trying to fit in.
I've always been that spiritual kid.
With some cheeky sides and a way of triggering people,
Specifically authority,
Without even trying.
A girl who gets sick easily when she's in an environment that doesn't suit her.
My path is not the path of a 9-to-5 job.
Nor is it only relying on a partner.
Neither is it doing something that makes me wake up feeling stressed before the day has even started.
That's probably why Egypt made me feel so alive.
I felt the pressure finally drop.
Because life was less expensive.
And instead I discovered a slow lifestyle.
That brought me more energy to actually create something that matters to me.
But then.
.
.
I came back to the Netherlands,
Still unaware of my own beliefs,
Ready to force myself into the hard-working life one more time.
Well,
That didn't turn out as planned.
I got sick.
It became pretty obvious that this way of living simply wasn't meant for me.
And because I couldn't work health-wise,
My intention to earn a lot of money flew out of the window.
Instead?
I became broke.
As I am sharing this,
It makes me laugh.
It almost feels like an achievement and a relief.
Not because I don't want money.
But because I think I needed to be broke.
In order to see clearer.
And to stop trying so hard.
To learn to feel safe and worthy without all of it.
I did try to earn money outside of my beliefs.
By doing things I enjoyed.
And starting a small business?
It just never took off,
Because I didn't believe it was possible.
Money kept slipping through my fingers.
I think in a way being broke became proof for my subconscious that I was authentic.
Because my subconscious believed that I had to choose between money,
And an authentic life.
Between money and happiness.
Between money and independence.
I see it so clear now.
My beliefs were the reason I was either getting sick and unhappy or money was nowhere to be found.
So,
Here I am.
Still carrying them in the background?
But I see them now.
And I've learned I'm in an environment where I don't flourish.
Being broke helped me decide to follow my heart again.
Back to Egypt.
To build a long-term life based on softer ground,
Not a rigid way of living,
But slow and intuitive.
Creating,
Playing and sharing something with the world that comes through me naturally.
I choose a different road,
A road that inspires me to release those beliefs that were given to me.
So I can give birth to something new.
Beliefs that don't ask me to give up my authenticity and happiness for wealth.
This new life will grow from simply being myself,
As I am.
Imperfectly unique.
I have not succeeded yet.
I haven't even truly started yet.
But seeing this pattern with clarity.
I know I'm on the right track.
Meanwhile.
.
.
I'll keep walking barefoot.
Being me.
Finding my own way.
To abundance.
