The Story Of Me

This track is a culmination of many talks related to the way in which we identify as a solid separate self. Somehow, out of all of this changing experience, the mind constructs this sense of me. So we've been digging into some of the more subtle ways that happens.

This talk explores rather than just noticing that self is constructed. What we're actually constructing. What is the story each of us is telling ourselves about who we are?

Transcript

So we've spent the last month sort of swimming in the deep end of the Buddha's teaching. And the first question we dropped in. And Dee dropped it in again on Thursday. Was uh What is practice for us? Why are you practicing and what assumptions do you have about practice? This question. It's meant to shine the light on our perception. What we're believing. Because our views. . . Our beliefs. They can actually be what limits our ability. To be free. We introduce to you the first three of the 10 fetters. These shackles that hinder our freedom. And the first, Which has been our primary focus, Has been on the self. We've been looking closely at what we call self. And there isn't something that we can point to in our direct experience and say, There it is, That's me. Instead, What we find is changing experience. And the body, The. . . The I is not in control of that. Feelings are changing. Thoughts are changing mind states are changing perceptions are changing and our relationship to experiences. That perception is always changing too. And yet somehow out of all of this kind of changing experience, The mind constructs this sense of me. So what we've been digging into. . . Um. . . Is some of the subtle ways that happens. You know, Self. As preference. I like this, I don't like that. Self as opinion. This is the way that things should be. Self as belief. This is what I believe about myself. This is what I believe about other people. This is what I believe about the world. And then there are all the identities that we build around those things. I am this kind of person. I am not this kind of person. I'm someone who does this, Or I'm someone that would never do that. And perhaps the simplest construction of all, Is this is who I am. This is me. I am, And just go ahead and fill in the blank. So today I'd like to turn the inquiry slightly. Rather than just noticing. That self is constructed. I'm curious about what we're actually constructing. What is the story each of us is telling ourselves about who we are? And we're not digging around looking for what's wrong with us, Okay? We're simply becoming interested in the stories that have become so familiar that we don't even recognize that they're stories anymore. It's one thing to understand intellectually that the self is a construct. It's another thing entirely to begin seeing the construction happening in real time. And we're not trying to get rid of the self. We're not trying to become nobody. We're not trying to convince ourselves that we don't exist. We're simply being curious about something that we've taken to be solid and permanent. What is the story I'm telling myself about who I am? Because most of us have stories about ourselves. That have become so familiar. We don't even recognize the myth stories. They're just who we are. You know, Maybe the story is that I'm the responsible one. Or I'm the one who takes care of everyone. Or I am independent. Or I'm not good at asking for help. Or I'm a good person, Or I'm not a good person, Or I'm not good enough. And how often do we mistake those descriptions? As identity. And even more interesting, I think the deeper layer of this question is, Or what are we afraid would happen? If the story weren't true. For example, If I'm a person who holds everything together. What happens? If I don't hold everything together. And this brings the inquiry right into the Dharma because now we're seeing attachment to identity. Rather than just observing its creation. Oh, There's the mind telling the story that I need to hold everything together. And in seeing that there's already a little more space and that space. Ooh, So important. Because if I believe this story, I have to defend it? And maintain it and continually prove it. And when something happens that contradicts the story, Suffering. Suffering arises. If I believe I'm independent. And suddenly. I have. Needs and I need some help. And suffer. If I believe I'm right. And someone disagrees with me? I suffer. Not necessarily because of what's happened. But because something has threatened the story. Of who I think I am. And this is where the teaching of not-self becomes very practical. We can begin to notice. And that's all we really have to do. Just notice. Oh, This is what I'm protecting. This is what I'm defending. This is the image of myself that I'm trying to maintain. Notice what happens in the body. When the story is challenged. And what happens in the mind. There is a, In this body and mind, There's a contraction. Some people get really speedy. There's a sometimes the the mind wants to defend or explain or prove or Withdrawal like there's a different. There's a there's a bodily sensation of when we're defending. This image of self and trying to maintain it. So we can watch what's being constructed. We can see it in the moment. You know, Someone says something we don't like and. Suddenly. . . Suddenly so fast, Like, Boom. There's a me. Who's been insulted. Someone questions our opinion, And then suddenly, There's a me who has to be right. And we can notice the difference between having a story about ourselves. And believing the story of who we are. So now I'm going to turn this over to you, Our beloved community. You know, Having spent these weeks really looking at the construction of self. Noticing maybe for the first time that there is this construction. But what are we constructing, You know? What are the stories we're telling ourselves about who we are? To be clear, I am not asking you to share this story. You don't have to tell us what happened to you or explain why you became the person you think you are. Instead, Perhaps you might share. What it was like to see the story. Maybe you noticed how quickly you make yourself wrong. Or how much you depend on being right. Maybe you simply noticed that there's a story here. And that you hadn't realized it was a story. And honestly, That's enough. What I'm interested in is not the content. Of the story. So much as the moment when we can step back enough to see the story. Because the moment we can see, I'm telling myself this story. Something has already shifted. So let's take a few moments of silence. And see what we notice. And then if you feel moved to share, I invite you to share from the awareness of the story. Rather than from inside the story. So again, Just take a few moments to let this settle in the body. And I'd really love to hear from people that generally don't share. How this is learned.