Death, Dying, And The Sacred Mystery Of Life’s Final Moments

Trigger Warning: This talk may include references to death, dying, and the departed.

ICU nurse Teresa Evans shares powerful stories of death, dying, and what she witnessed during her mother’s final days, including moments of mystery, light, love, and profound presence.

Death is one of life’s greatest mysteries.

We can talk about it, study it, fear it, prepare for it, and try desperately to understand what happens when a person takes their final breath. But ultimately, death remains one of the great unknowables.

My guest on this episode, Teresa Evans, has spent much of her life close to that mystery.

Transcript

Hi, Everyone, And welcome back to the podcast whose sole reason for existence is to remind you that this world is full of mystery, Magic, And inexplicable encounter. In this episode's guest, Teresa Evans, Has quite a few stories to share because in her career as an ICU nurse, She was witness to many who were departing this planet and going to the next adventure. Most enchanting and powerful is her story of her mother's passing and what happened around that time. There's a lovely, Incredibly lovely dovetailing with the garden that Teresa's mother kept and how Teresa worked on it, Nourished it, Nurtured it as her mother lay dying. I just interviewed Teresa the other day and the interaction and the interview was so profound and so life-giving to me I couldn't wait to release it to you all. So now, Here's my conversation with the beautiful Teresa Evans. My own mother-in-law who was in a coma. She had had a cerebral aneurysm. She had never woken up from it. We were not going to, We didn't want her on life support, But you know, It's again, The system is so fixated on Keeping people alive. We had to fight to have life support turned off. But I'll tell you what, Two of her daughters and I were standing beside her and I just happened to look down at her and she had opened her eyes and I said, Oh my God, You guys look at Ruthie's eyes and she had opened her eyes and they were like. Whatever she was seeing was the most magical, Amazing, Mystical, Incredible thing she had ever seen. Her eyes were so full of light and so full of love. Well, My, I knew, I mean, Mom told me, She's like, Oh, You know, She had one, Only really one. It's her mother who she felt really cared for her for a few years that she was with her. And she's like, Grandma Selens is here. And she would tell me, You know, And you see this with people when they're there. It looks like they're, You know, They're reaching for things. And my own my own mother-in-law, Who was in a coma. She had had a cerebral aneurysm. She had never woken up from it. We were not going to, We didn't want her on life support, But you know, It's again, The system is so fixated on keeping people alive, We had to fight to have life support turned off. But I'll tell you what, This was early in my nursing career. I'd maybe, You know, I'd done my four years of school. I'd worked in a cardiac unit during those years. I was maybe two years into my nursing career and We finally just talked to the neurologist and said, We want treatment stopped. And it never moved, Never opened her eyes. She was getting every life support that you could to be kept alive that morning that we were supposed to go up there and restore life support. Two of her daughters and I were standing beside her and I just happened to look down at her and she had opened her eyes. And I said, Oh my God, You guys look at Ruthie's eyes. And she had opened her eyes and they were like, Whatever she was seeing was the most magical, Amazing, Mystical, Incredible thing she had ever seen. Her eyes were so full of light and so full of love. And like immediately she went into cardiac arrest on the monitor. So it was clear that she was leaving and the doctor hadn't come in yet to give the order that we were with. So of course the nurses are doing what they're trained to do, Show up with a crash cart as if they're going to paddle her and try and bring her back. And I'm like, No, He's on his way. Call him, Let her, Let her, She's dying. Let her go. I mean, What a, You know, It was a blessing for us because even when you believe you're doing the right thing, We are hardwired to live. And so even when we believe that we are doing the right thing, I don't know, There was, You know, We didn't have to have that question like, Is this really, Is there any chance that she could have come out of that? X-rays, CAT scans, Everything told us no and I had to believe that. I believe in science and I believe in what we can see physiologically. So yes, That is absolutely true. And sometimes I think it's even people who you don't expect. Maybe people who had complicated. Yes. Maybe people show up who you had complicated relationships with, But maybe their whole job was to help you at this part. I don't know. Who knows? Yes. I mean, It's quite fascinating because I mean, I've interviewed other people who have, You know, They've lost their beloved pets. They were a pet chaplain. And so, You know, Not only do they help human beings when their pets are passing, But they are also, This woman is a. . . She rescues dogs and. You know, She had experiences of laying in bed one night and the dog who had passed away that had this specific, You know, Movement when it got on the bed, She felt that, You know, She thought, What is that at the, Near my feet and felt the, The dog come up after, After it passed and kind of do its little shake and its little shimmy. And then, And so all this to say that we have no idea what death is. We don't. We don't. And so. . . I don't think we're doing ourselves a favor when we try to put it in a neat little box. And I think we're missing, Again, That's the mystery, You know, The quote that I share in the book, We are equipped to talk about the miracle of life when an infant enters this world. I believe the miracle of death carries the same weight and mystery. And I think. I think, Kirsten, What gets in our way is that We were, I mean, Anytime you lose somebody who's important to you. Even if it's a good thing, Like with your dad, Like with my mom. You're gonna grieve. But our experience of grieving is not the experience that the person who's leaving is having. You're ready. They're transitioning. And I think, You know, What I witnessed over and over and over again is that people lay their grief on top of the person who's dying. I've watched, It's like the person who's dying becomes the caretaker rather than the other way around. And I'm so grateful I was 60 years old when mom died because had I been 25 years old, I wouldn't have had The wisdom and living that I had 60 years of living is seeing people come and go and had relationships that I, You know, Of all different types. So Hey, I knew that. I knew that on some level my heart felt like it was beating. Raching. And yet I couldn't sit with that until after mom was gone. And then let myself feel that to the full extent. So, I mean, Mom knew that we loved her and that we were going to miss her. We didn't spend 86 days being sad. We spent 86 days celebrating and there were moments I remember One maybe like a week. The last week was. Because. . . I don't know, There was something about, You know, It's like seven days when that week's that countdown of that week started. And I remember, I remember my mom was laying in bed and taking a nap or something and had finished whatever I was doing and I just I walked into her bedroom and I just you know I I snuggled up I had been sleeping with her and we had been chatting and you know I just I wrapped my arms around her and I wrapped my leg over her legs and I just it's like I wanted to I wanted to sink into her you know because I knew that I had seven days left to feel her physical presence in this way. So I think, But I do think the more conversations that we have. About death, About the process, About what we want our death to look like, You know, Talking to our kids, Talking to our friends, Talking to our loved ones. I think that only prepares us. And the better prepared we are, We're not just reacting to Probably some of the most intense emotions we're ever going to feel in our entire life. Absolutely. Yes, Absolutely. Thank you for all of that. And it almost feels a little ridiculous to ask the main question of the podcast because you've already shared. A couple stories that are really gorgeous. For me, Magical. And miraculous, But I'd like to ask, Do you have any additional stories that you'd like to share about something magical or miraculous that's happened in your life? It doesn't necessarily have to do with your mother. Yeah. Anything you'd like to share. Hmm. I'm just going to bring it back to mom because I know that I've had those moments too, But I just When mom. Blew out of her body when she when her body physical body died and she left it was. It was the most sacred moment I've ever experienced in my life and not in a sacred way, You know, Or a heavy sacred way. Just to be present for that experience in a way like I had never been present for it before. You know, We had had mom's birthday party. We were in the living room and then we walked into her bedroom. We had prepared it with beautiful lights. We had made an altar. My brother had died four years before that, My youngest brother. So, You know, We had his ashes on the altar that mom had kept and her special things and We laid down with her. And I was laying, She was laying on her back and I was laying on my right side with my head, You know, As close to her shoulder as I could get it. My other sister was on her other side. It was so. . . I don't remember the doctor being there or the doctor leaving. I mean, I didn't hear him leave. We laid there with mom after he left. But when I got up, When we got up, And it's funny, And I'm sure we all must have had water coming out of our eyes, But there was no noise. We were quiet. It was quiet, As a matter of fact. Of course, I laugh about this because I started to say to mom, When we laid down and she had gotten the first medication, Which is the midazolam, Which relaxes you, Right? And. She didn't know she was afraid. She didn't say she was afraid. She had never talked about being afraid. But I said, It's OK, Mom, Just I wanted to say just fly to the light. And she's like, Shh. I would say my mom shushed me. It's the last thing she said to me. She shushed me. But she's so mom. And so me and mom. But it was, She was already in the magic of it. Like I could feel it. And so we just, On whatever level we could, Joined her in that moment. And when we got up, We all got up at the same time. And we walked into the kitchen. And we had a piece of mom's birthday cake. And my sisters and I, We just looked at each other and we're like, We did it. We did it. I need to thank Teresa for coming onto the show and for sharing her stories. Quite honestly, This conversation, Especially with my father passing away just in the recent past, I needed it. And I think that there are many out there that need it as well. So I need to thank Teresa for coming on the show and sharing her stories. Everyone, Thanks for listening to the podcast. If you do listen and you like what you hear, Please leave a rating or a review wherever you find the podcast. Those ratings and reviews mean ever so much, And they kind of just light up my day. So thanks a lot. So here we are at the end of the outro, And I want to say to each and every one of you, Thank you for listening. And here's my one request. Be like Teresa. Be brave at those thresholds and those liminal places of death. As I said in this episode, And I think you'll agree, Each and every one of us is born, And of course, Each and every one of us will eventually go to the next world. So be like Teresa and realize how sacred it is, What an initiation it is to those next worlds, And what an invitation it is to that next adventure that's going to be your life.

Reviews

Beautiful story that Theresa shared. What better gift could she (and her sister) have given to her mom!!!