Episode Five: The Byte-Rev. Selena

Rev. Selena found herself in a mental hospital with no way out. Hear her tell of how she arrived there, how she struggled with the reality of it and how eventually, she found comfort in her miracle-words that suddenly appeared on a window. Her story reminds that we are not alone, ever, in this universe.

Please note: This track may include some explicit language.

Transcript

So what happened is I'm lying in bed and I'm staring at the ceiling and I was so mad.

I remember feeling so abandoned and I just yelled at God.

And I said,

You know what?

Have I not been a good and faithful servant?

Like,

Where the fuck are you right now,

God?

Because I really thought I had done everything you asked.

Like,

Where the fuck are you right now?

You mentioned earlier,

You said,

It sounds like God has been saying,

Hey,

Here I am.

And this is this is not a story I've told before.

There's parts of it are a little embarrassing,

So I won't get into all of it.

However,

There was a moment I've always had a little small level of depression.

And this happens and it happens for a lot of us,

Especially when we've well,

It just happens to a lot of us,

Period.

Though I had lost my father and things just were rough.

And at one point,

My doctor said,

Let's try this pill.

Now,

This pill,

Which I've blocked from my memory,

So I don't even remember the name,

Apparently had bad effects on almost everybody who took it.

At least everybody who took it from my doctor had a bad effect with it.

She told me nobody had as bad of effect as I had,

But she is no longer offering that pill for depression.

So and it's more anxiety for me and it blurs into the inability to sleep.

So she's always looking for something new for a little insomniac named Selena,

Who just can't manage to get to sleep.

Anyway,

That was intro to tell you what happened is my body did not adjust to the drug.

And at one point I went to see a therapist and I was with a therapist and they refused to take me off the drug until I had been to at least three sessions and they had to be group sessions,

At least.

And the one day I showed up and they had canceled the group session because nobody showed up but me.

And you could tell this woman wanted to be somewhere else.

She's like,

Well,

There's only one person here,

So why should I stay?

And I said,

Look,

I'm really upset.

I just came here from a funeral and I'm having a rough day and I really need this and I need to get off this drug because it's horrible for me.

And instead she committed me to an asylum for the weekend and that got rid of me.

And I begged her not to.

I was not in a full time job at that point.

I did not have health insurance.

This was I've been still paying for this after this financially.

However,

I ended up for a weekend in an asylum and nobody could find me because they wouldn't tell anybody where I was.

There's a lot to this.

And I can tell you just from this small experience of one weekend that the United States health mental health system is a hot mess like there.

It needs to be completely over something ruled over.

You know,

It needs to be taken down and put back up because nobody is being cared for properly.

And a friend finally finally she finally got hold of somebody and they told her where I was so that she could bring me some clothes and things.

But they took me off all of the medicine cold turkey to come off a very powerful antidepressant like that was rough.

But it also took me off some birth control pills I was taking to regulate my cycle.

That's a horrible thing when you suddenly go off that cold turkey.

The ladies will understand men may not,

But trust us,

It's awful.

And I didn't have fresh clothes.

I couldn't find anything to handle that special lady week,

Especially in a really heavy one after that.

So I had been lying in bed in the same set of dirty clothes for two days and I was a wreck and I had already been in seminary for about a year or so when that happened,

Maybe two.

And I finally I'm lying in bed and I wouldn't take food for two days because I kept trying to call the patient support line and they would not answer the phone.

They finally called me back two weeks after I was out of the hospital.

They said,

Well,

We don't know how we can help you now.

I said,

You can't help me now.

You were supposed to support me when I was in there.

They were taking off all my pills cold turkey and leaving me in filthy clothes for two or three days in a row.

Oh,

Well,

We're sorry.

So we're going to talk about health care later.

But eventually this health care business,

Especially mental health,

Is not is not well.

So what happened is I'm lying in bed and I'm staring at the ceiling and I was so mad.

I remember feeling so abandoned and I just yelled at God and I said,

You know what?

I can I swear?

Yes,

I can swear I was lying in bed going,

Have I not been a good and faithful servant?

Like,

Where the fuck are you right now,

God?

Because I really thought I had done everything you asked,

Like,

Where the fuck are you right now?

And I just happened to turn my head and I was my eyes were full of tears.

And there's a moment where if you like maybe blow on some glass and rub your finger through,

You'll see words.

And somebody who knows when,

Who knows where had just written the phrase,

I am here.

And those are the words I saw after I yelled,

Where are you?

Where are you?

And I'd never seen those words written on the glass before.

I couldn't find them later.

I could if I bent my head correctly in the light,

I could almost see the eye.

But I just screamed at him.

I screamed at God and I turned and looked and there it was.

I'm here.

And I'm like.

OK.

OK,

That's a thing.

And that was finally I mean,

My friend who had finally come to me,

She says,

Selena,

I understand how angry you are.

And if I were you,

I would be even more angry.

But you need to calm down because you're acting crazy and that is not going to help you in this situation.

And that even that didn't help call me.

But once I saw the words,

They just said,

I'm here.

Here I am.

And I could calm down.

It that has stayed with me for a very long time.

And I haven't seen I've seen some miracle moments.

There have been some severe miracle moments in my life.

And my friend Bonita says everybody may still be looking at this through the same stained glass window,

But pieces when the sun shines through hits different portions.

So for some people,

When they look at the divine,

The sun shines through the piece that says Islam.

And for some,

It shines through the Buddha.

And for some,

It shines through Judaism.

And for me,

It does.

It shines through all of it because I see the divine in all pieces.

I'm in a mailing list where a friend of mine does just random mailings.

She mails in the mail and she mails in the email.

And the title of one of hers,

She wrote a poem and the title was I am here.

And I'm like,

Janet,

You just blew my mind today.

Like whenever I see the phrase I am here,

Then I know it's God going,

Hey,

Pay attention.

I got a little something for you here.

So well,

Then it's really weird that I said that earlier on the conversation.

That's what I I had still hadn't decided in my mind which story I was going to tell you,

Because that one is there's levels of that.

That's really hard for me because I didn't belong in that in that hospital.

And yet and there's another piece of that,

Because weeks before I was going to me,

I just need I need everybody to just leave me alone.

I need a weekend where I'm just by myself like.

No demands on me,

Nothing happening.

Well,

You've got to be careful what you ask for,

Because that's exactly what happened.

And I'm walking down the hall at one point screaming,

You can't keep me here.

I'm an American citizen.

And it was I was really acting crazy.

And if that had not happened,

I think that that moment of needing to let go and trust would not have ever happened to me.

If it hadn't might have been a much harder lesson.

And let me tell you,

That was a hard lesson,

Though it was one I needed.

And it is one that has stuck.

So you can hear the same lesson over and over and over.

And it's going to sound different to everybody.

And finally,

One of us is going to hear it.

You're either going to hear it through a book or somebody is going to say something or God will write on glass in a window through somebody who was writing,

Probably just telling themselves where they were five years ago,

Five days ago,

Whatever.

And yet there it was.

There's some patient that had left that spot some day before that wrote,

I'm here and would never have known and never will know that I needed it at that moment.

This has been episode five of Bite-Sized Blessings,

The podcast all about the magic and spirit that surrounds us.

If only we open our eyes to it.

And whether you choose to listen to our bite-sized offerings for that five minutes of freedom in your day or the longer interviews,

We're grateful you're here.

I need to thank the Reverend Celina Namoff for sharing her story today,

As well as the creators of the music used,

Closs Appel,

Alexander Nakarada,

Raphael Crux,

Lilo Sound,

And Sasha End.

For complete attribution,

Please see the Bite-Sized Blessings website at bite-sized blessings.

Com.

And remember that's bite,

So B-Y-T-E.

On the website,

You can find links to other episodes as well as to books and music I think will lift and inspire you.

Thank you for listening.

And here's my one request.

Be like Celina and pray well with others.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.