Resentment Detox.
How do we get away from resentment that's built up?
That if we look at many of the greatest relationship authors and therapists,
They talk about the danger of resentment crystallizing into contempt.
And then it's a lot like trying to grow flowers on cement.
We have a really hard time doing that.
And so resentment detox is really getting to that place before contentment.
Contempt sets in.
I think a resentment detox is just so important because resentment has this reputation.
As a thing that ends the relationship.
And I want to offer up a different way to see it.
In my 20 years of working with couples and individuals in some form of distress,
I've come to understand resentment as an important signal.
It's a way that the body has started keeping score of what's gone maybe unspoken or unmet or even unacknowledged for a long time now.
And so the reason it's so hard to move through is that most of us never started to really look at where that resentment is pointing to.
And instead,
It just builds up over time.
Instead of taking time like you're doing right now to consider how might I detox my relationship from this buildup of resentment.
Because if we simply leave it,
I promise you it just builds like another brick in the wall until one day we're looking across at our person wondering why we have such a wall up,
Why we're in such protection,
Why we're even hearing through the lens of resentment.
And it can be really hard to make a move towards harmony,
Love,
Getting love back on track or feeling heard and connected.
Resentment I've learned is one of the clearest threads to follow that you,
When you understand where yours began and why it's hooked,
Why it stayed,
Something in the body can finally relax.
And it's not because the situation is somehow magically resolved,
But because you start to see it more clearly.
You start to see more about what it's connected to.
And so I decided to call it a detox because resentment ends up acting a lot like the things that build up in the body.
And so it doesn't arrive all at once,
Instead it really accumulates over time.
And so it's a bit like one swallowed feeling,
One unspoken need,
One moment where you decided,
It's not even worth the fight.
I'm not even gonna try to explain my point of view.
And then eventually it sort of builds up in the background and then it starts to shape everything.
And that includes your own patience,
The closeness that you feel just in the day to day.
And how present you can actually be with the very people you love the most.
And so before we really dive into this topic,
I want to just get settled in the body.
So let's allow just a few moments here.
For you to close your eyes if you're not driving.
If you are driving,
Just get into a steady rhythmic breath.
What we're really doing today right now is just intentionally letting go of whatever it is that's come before this time together.
That whatever might be waiting for you after dedicating some time to exploring this topic,
You allow yourself to be present here and now.
And so letting your shoulders drop a little bit,
Letting your body really feel held wherever you might be sitting,
Letting your breath be slower than it was just a moment ago.
And let's take a few deep breaths here together.
Quieting the mind and letting what's been held in the body really take the lead.
So we're listening more to the body.
And another breath in.
As you begin to feel what it is to let go of everything that sits behind you and dropping in to the here and now.
And with your next breath.
I want you to allow yourself to just finish a sentence.
Lately i've been feeling and let yourself get in touch with what's close to the surface.
I think in the busyness of our everyday,
We go from one task or one expectation.
Or one hurt feeling,
We tuck it a little deeper.
And so lately I've been feeling.
And allow that clarity to come to mind.
And as we take another deep breath together in the exploration of what's held in this beautiful body of yours.
A lot of my thinking shows me that I've been carrying.
Fear.
Tightness,
A sense of protection,
A sense of blame,
A sense of hurt.
Allowing whatever is true to really be there.
Trusting the wisdom of your body to guide you to the deep work we're going to access together today.
And to know that you don't have to share this anywhere.
This is just for you.
And so whatever those words that arise,
They're just like a signpost,
A guide for some of the information we're going to explore together.
And so I think most of us think about resentment as this reaction to something big,
You know,
A betrayal that was admitted or that argument back then that you said something you wish you could take back.
But in my experience,
I find that the resentment that's actually the hardest to clear is the one that builds up from smaller moments.
You know,
The time you maybe didn't ask for help because you didn't want to hear it.
And the night you turned away from your partner and just kind of towards the wall because you couldn't find a way to say how lonely you've been feeling in the relationship.
You just didn't want to get into that same thing.
Or maybe the moment you decided,
You know what,
I'm not even going to bring it up.
It's just too much,
And that even the disappointments you've been feeling,
They feel heavier to express than to just carry them on your own,
You know,
Until they're not,
Until they're too heavy to do just that.
And I think sometimes when it gets that big,
We can sort of move into what I call a bit of performance mode,
Where you're at the dinner,
You're kind of laughing along,
But really what was said really stung.
You perhaps felt misunderstood.
And you would have rather said,
Wow,
Like,
Why would you say that?
Instead of making light of it just to get through the darn dinner.
And so each of these moments separated out might feel small.
Might be understandably about keeping the peace.
And yet there's this sense of like,
I'm just not going to make a big deal about it.
Until they start to build up.
And I want you to really sense or notice in your body that every time we swallow something.
It doesn't disappear.
It gets stored.
And what gets stored is what eventually builds up.
So,
Of course,
This is happening behind the scenes.
This is happening internally.
This is that piece where in our ways of responding,
We are much less patient.
We are much less available to our loved ones.
We're a little less ourselves in our very own home.
And so that really to me is,
If we look at the real cost of resentment,
There it is.
You know,
It isn't only what it does to the relationship.
It's what it ends up slowly taking from you.
The softness or the playfulness or the part of you that used to reach out for that.
Sense of connection,
That sense of lightness.
And it just feels like it's further and further away for you to be able to access.
And so I want you to just take a moment here and grab your journal or just a piece of paper,
Whatever is close by.
And I want to give you a sentence that I'd like you to complete as many times as you can over those few minutes.
So we're not going to really think too much about it.
It's like letting whatever wants to come through be jotted down.
And so.
With your pen in hand.
So that you can really just let that stream of writing come through.
Because I didn't say something in the moment,
I stopped.
And that's where I want you to fill it in.
I stopped feeling connected.
To my person.
I stopped maybe,
And you know sometimes the resentment is built up with our children.
You know that feeling of geez I've given so much and you kind of close the door on me you're up in your bedroom you know we've got those individuating teenagers or we've got the adult children that might be struggling And so it might even live not in your intimate relationships,
But with your children,
Because you're not sure how to reconnect with them.
And so I stopped trying.
It could be with a parent.
I'm so resentful because everything always is about you.
That I'm listening to you instead of you making space for me.
And so because I have to do everything in our relationship,
I've stopped sharing.
Because I didn't say I was hurt.
And it could be as long as months ago,
Years ago in some couples I've worked with.
I've stopped even telling you about my day.
And so I'm going to be quiet here for a moment to let you write as many comes for you.
The next step with what you've written is I want you to notice if any of them surprised you.
Notice which of them carried the most feeling,
The most impact.
And circle that one.
Because this shows you exactly what the resentment has been.
I guess taking from you.
Has placed a weight.
On your relationship.
And so sometimes what I notice when I work with the couples in my practice is you start recognizing,
Oh,
Wait a minute.
I haven't even noticed this,
But unconsciously I've been withdrawing.
My natural sense of care and warmth.
Because I'm so angry,
I'm so hurt.
And it's a form of protection in many cases.
And then your withdrawal becomes a part of that pattern,
Becomes a part of that distance that builds up.
And so here's what I've seen in almost every couple that I've worked with.
The way we handle what we can't seem to say or have given up trying to express or feel understood didn't start in this relationship.
So long before you met your partner,
You were sitting at your own family table,
Just observing,
Watching what happened when someone got upset.
Watching who was allowed to be angry or who had to stay quiet.
Or they'd be made fun of,
Or they'd be shut down.
Watching whether disappointment was safe to share out loud.
Or did it carry some sort of don't be so sensitive?
And so no one really taught this directly.
And I think we just learned it in the way children learn everything,
By watching what kept the family steady.
What didn't cause a rift?
And so thinking back,
Maybe your mom kept everyone comfortable by quietly carrying her own disappointment for decades.
And so you around that table,
Inside of that family,
Was taught or thought that the way that I keep this relationship good is to not bring the painful parts forward and carry disappointment just like mom.
And so to know that your body took notes.
And you might be following the completely same connection rules,
But in a different house with a different person.
And so it's so very wise to take some time to just track how you show up in your most important relationships back to the beginning.
And start to inquire about,
Is this something that works for me?
Is this something I want to continue?
So that it's not an unconscious response,
It's an informed answer.
And so let me just share a little bit about the perspective of the work that I do called Family Constellations.
And so there are 70 orders of love,
If you can believe it,
About how love flows in relationship and family,
Like love relationship,
Family connection,
And what gets us entangled,
What really creates stuck points that we can be in for life if we don't know about them.
And so one of the primary orders of love is a parent gives and a child receives.
And so what's been expressed here is if the parents are never asking in the first place,
If they are not offering to help,
If they are not in this place of like,
I'm the parent,
I give,
And you're the daughter,
You receive,
Even if it's a compliment.
Even if it's,
Hey,
I made you some soup.
Hey,
Come on over,
I made your coffee just the way you like it.
If that is not the way it goes,
We can be stuck in a position where those orders of love are reversed and we are giving to the parent.
And the sad truth about this is we show up in most of our friendships and love relationships as the one who's making the connections,
Making the plans,
Making the relationships move forward.
We don't trust the other will reciprocate because our first love,
Our parent never did.
And so this is the roots of over-functioning,
Over-giving,
Sometimes even people pleasing.
And so while it can actually really hurt our heart to pull back from being the one that's giving to our parent,
It can be an essential step to rebalancing all of our other relationships.
And so can I give to myself what I'd always wished could have come from mom or dad?
With the understanding that they would have given more to me.
If more had been available and had been given to them.
So we do the very,
Very important step of not holding it as personal.
We know through brain science that if we hold it as personal,
We are stuck in what's called the limbic lockdown.
Our limbic system is the emotional center.
It allows us to really understand our relationships.
And if we hold it as they didn't give this to me,
Personal,
We will be stuck replicating the same pain inside of our relationships.
And a lot of the times we find ourselves in one-sided friendships.
We find ourselves in love relationships where I'm giving all of this out in hopes that it will come back,
But it simply isn't.
And now we're back to the resentment cycle.
In a love relationship,
We really want there to be a balance of give and take.
As much as possible.
And if you are the one that is,
You know,
Is naturally generous,
There's this part of,
Wow,
I made the favorite dinner and gosh,
His favorite color is green.
So I found this awesome shirt and gift and appreciation.
And so your role is really to hold that back until it can be reciprocated.
You are trying to find your natural flow between that give and take.
Do I want love to feel?
How have I been over-giving or over-functioning?
And if I stop showing up in that way,
What do I believe will happen?
You know,
As a recovered overgiver over here,
I think my biggest fear was if I stopped doing it,
The relationship is going to crumble from underneath me.
And to be honest,
A few of them did.
And there was grief in that,
But it really showed me how one-sided their relationship was.
And so moving on from that,
I've been able to welcome in much more balanced relationships.
And holding back my sort of,
Oh,
This person would love to come to this concert,
Or let's plan this getaway,
And waiting for others to step in or to plan.
Really focusing on that balance of give and take.
That is the essential secret to keeping relationships good,
The balance of give and take in every relationship except with the one you have with your children.
As parents,
We give,
We give,
And we give a little more.
And where we receive that reciprocation is when our children are full of all the wonderful things we've been able to give them,
They are now full to give to our grandchildren.
There is something I've noticed sort of over and over again in my years of working with clients,
Is that underneath almost every resentment is this boundary that was never spoken.
So a no,
That got swallowed.
You know,
That's okay.
That doesn't sit well inside.
It's actually not okay.
And we're not able to match how we really feel in our body with what we're saying in the relationship.
I'm learning to be good to myself.
And we let life get shaped from there.
And sometimes we think,
OK,
Being good to myself,
OK,
What is that?
And so that's why I give this example of go back to that little girl,
That longing of someone giving to you,
Someone nurturing you,
Someone putting your needs first,
All of that.
As children,
We naturally want and know we deserve Give that to yourself.
And that's where we start.
And so it's important to remember that when a boundary goes unspoken.
The energy of it doesn't vanish.
And so the body still really meant it.
And so perhaps holds it,
Maybe in the tight jaw,
Maybe another sort of build up as the shoulders inch up towards the ears.
Maybe it's held in the chest.
You know,
Sometimes I've worked with clients and they've got all these digestive upsets,
And nothing at a nutritional level is is changing it.
It's like the The burning in the belly,
All the anger has gone there.
And so over time,
Every held no.
Every,
I can't believe you said that,
Or that doesn't work for me,
It sort of crystallizes into resentment.
And so we could really look at resentment is often a boundary that's been waiting a very long time to be expressed.
And so if you think about your own experience,
How many times what you're feeling in your body isn't matching up.
With what you're saying aloud.
That is a really strong indicator.
And so I want you to bring to mind a moment when you really wanted to say no.
Or someone asks something of you,
And you're just like,
I don't have the energy to help with that.
As much as I feel for them,
And that's difficult.
But you go into action,
You go into helping.
And it doesn't need to be the biggest way you let yourself down.
We're just going to pick one that feels kind of manageable.
And so let's just bring our palms together in front of your chest and just holding your heart.
And I want you to give some gentle pressure right there.
Just enough for your arms to feel that they've engaged.
And feel the strength in your hands.
And as you press,
Let that image or that imagined boundary come to mind.
And just with that pressure against your heart,
Be able to internally say,
That's not okay with me.
Or enough.
No,
I'm not able to help you with that.
Or,
You know what,
I'm uncomfortable in the direction this conversation is going.
Or it doesn't feel good to talk about.
Uncle George that way.
Whatever your body has been waiting to say.
And just keep pressing here.
Keep that pressure up.
For three slow breaths.
Notice what happens in your body as you imagine saying those words.
And now very,
Very slowly release that pressure.
Letting your hands just sort of sit on your lap,
Turning the palms up.
I've got mine rested on my thighs,
Just open.
And let's just notice,
Taking just a moment here,
To notice the difference between pressing an opening.
Notice what feels alive in your body now that a boundary has been practiced,
Has been felt.
And think back to.
A situation,
A relationship.
And just let yourself imagine what might change.
If you could let yourself express the truth.
And so noticing,
Too,
What the body really felt.
Was it heat?
Was it maybe a trembling?
Like,
I don't dare say this.
Maybe even unexpected relief?
So there's no way to get it wrong.
And I like to really share with my clients that a boundary is almost like,
Let's bring the image of a hula hoop.
You're sitting in the center of a hula hoop,
And you've got this extra space around your physical body.
And this idea that a boundary is not about keeping the other person out,
Like somehow you've blocked them from access to you.
It's much stronger to feel like the boundary keeps you in.
So when your mom or your mother-in-law or your sister who's critical or your spouse,
Whenever they do what they do that is a trigger to you,
You feel collected.
A boundary is not keeping the other person out,
It's about keeping you in.
And so as you are breathing with yourself,
As you are centered with,
Hmm,
That works for me,
Or no,
No,
I can't agree with this.
This doesn't feel good for me.
I don't have the energy to contribute to this.
And so the first step is that recognition that we really can't change another person.
Because I can't tell you how many times over the years I've heard people say to me,
Oh,
I tried to set a boundary with her.
No,
She doesn't agree.
And so it just means we have to reset our boundary with certain people.
And some people it might be okay.
Boundary set number 72.
But the boundary setting is not for them.
It's for you.
And there are some people who are,
I'm going to call them boundary-less,
That you might decide to spend less time with because it feels rather exhausting to continue to express your limit,
To continue to say,
That doesn't work for me.
And so that recognition that we can't make anyone feel emotionally safer.
We can only change ourselves.
And the more you can get connected with,
I'm not keeping you out,
But I'm keeping me in so that I have more access to my resources,
My wisdom,
My inner knowing.
That doesn't work for me.
And so there's one more thing resentment does that I think happens in the background and many people just don't notice that it narrows what we can see.
It narrows our perception of what's happening.
And I think this is especially true when the resentment has been building for a long time.
And it's almost like now the mind is on high alert to connect more evidence.
So every thing that gets forgotten or every late reply or every kind of critical comment It's showing this buildup of like,
See,
My heart isn't safe with you.
And it's the way you start to protect.
Instead of noticing the underlying dynamics with this person.
And so we're,
Of course,
Trying to protect from being disappointed again,
But it also means our connection,
The relationship itself is stunted.
It doesn't have room to breathe or grow.
And instead,
The resentment builds up.
So we've got this sort of brick wall between us that can be really,
Really hard to overcome.
And I think what has surprised me most is working with couples over the years.
And as they both describe what's going on,
It's like they could be in completely different relationships.
They're almost,
They're each on the other side of a wall that's now so tall,
They can't even see each other.
They can't even look in each other's eyes anymore.
And now we're building a story.
We're building a story about the other person,
About their intentions,
About what's going on.
And the work that I really get excited to share is let's get underneath that.
Why are we even responding to each other like this in the first place?
So that we don't have to argue around the themes and we get to resolve what's going on.
And so I think that this resentment detox,
As you are considering,
Okay,
Where do I go from here?
Is I really want you to consider what are the arguments,
What are the themes,
What has been building up that has felt so increasingly uncomfortable to sit with?
And the next step for you is to connect to what is familiar about that inside of my family of origin.
So let's just pretend you're in a marriage and it feels like your partner is kind of critical and distant and notices what's wrong before saying,
Hey,
This dinner was delicious.
Thank you so much.
Or just small appreciations about the little things.
Now I want you to look best.
Let's say that's your main resentment that's been building up.
Looking over at your family of origin,
Back to that family table that we talked about.
Back to this experience of,
Oh my gosh,
My mom was so critical.
I'd bring home pictures from school,
And she would say,
Why did you use red there?
Oh,
This doesn't look realistic at all.
You know,
Nitpicking the art instead of,
Oh,
Sweetheart,
This is so beautiful.
Let's put this up on the fridge.
Or feeling like you've grown up in a place where you've got to figure it all out.
And that there was not a lot of space for that soft place to land.
Hey,
Sweetie,
Was today OK at school?
Come,
Let's talk about it.
Instead,
You're meted with,
Hey,
Here's the chores that need to happen after school.
Get on it.
And so the recognition that,
Wow,
So much of what I'm most hurt about where that resentment has really built up lives inside of my family experience,
Lives inside some of the greatest hurts I've held.
And that's where I need to start to make the change.
Because the truth is,
Even if you leave your relationship this afternoon and you start a new relationship without really understanding your own family imprint,
A very similar recreation will happen.
So while inside the difficulty.
While looking at resentment as a signal,
As a sign,
Pointing you in the direction of the deepest healing of your life.
Allow yourself to be informed.
And that then gives you insights of some of your deepest work that you need to do.
And so I just want to really give some recognition to those of you taking the time to even explore what's been piling up.
To really get.
Into your heart and into your understanding about what it's costing you.
In your life force.
And kind of connecting the dots of where it all started.
And so I think a lot of the times that we can start to feel a lot better once we know what it's about.
And so my hope is you're taking some of that lightness,
Some of that tenderness even because we've kind of exposed what's been going on.
And letting that be a part of the detox.
Letting that be a part of what you are bringing with this new way of looking.
We should all explore,
Gosh,
Who am I now on the other side of this relationship?
What did I learn about myself,
Not only in what I need in love,
But what I learned about myself in the dysfunction,
In what I felt resentful about,
In what I felt hurt about.
And this resentment that broke the relationship is not saying that anything failed or was bad.
It's just a signal that something important went unspoken for too long.
And it built up to the breaking point.
So once you start to see those patterns underneath,
Once you start to notice,
Ah,
This is where I've been protecting my heart,
You're no longer stuck inside of it.
And that's when you can begin to choose something different.
And so the relationship might not need to end,
But the pattern certainly does.
Life is way too short to be stuck in heartache,
To be living with resentment,
To be carrying so much heaviness,
And to get back to all that's good inside of love and relating.
They do say that the most fulfilled lives,
The greatest satisfaction from our lives comes from the quality of our relationship.
And since we can't change the other,
It's this piece of like,
Well,
What do I need to notice about myself,
About what I've been carrying,
That allows the quality of my relationships to feel enriched and to allow myself to get more of what we all need in our loving connections.
