Why Self-Destructive Parts Exist

In this clip, Janina Fisher explains why self-destructive parts—such as suicidal, self-harming, substance-using, or eating-disorder parts—develop as protectors rather than pathology. She explores how these parts attempt to shield survivors from overwhelming vulnerability by believing survival is only possible through extreme measures.

Drawing from Embracing Our Fragmented Selves, Janina shows how noticing these parts with curiosity and care helps create an internal environment where all parts feel valued, safer, and no longer alone.

Transcript

If it's a feeling of distress, We can assume that it's a part. Now I know the first question everybody asks me, Don't adults have distressing feelings? And of course they do, I mean, Life is not easy. Of course we have distressing feelings, But there's a difference between the distress experienced by a going-on-with-normal-life adult and the distress experienced by a traumatized part. I'm going to use an example, I'm thinking of someone I worked with who lost a significant other while she was in therapy. And her experience was that although she felt intense grief, As you would expect, And the parts felt intense grief, They were very different types of grief and led to very different types of reactions, So that her grief was more integrated with the aspects of the relationship she missed, But she could also remember all of the wonderful and comforting times. She wasn't just lost in the grief. And she could use support, And she could ask for support, And find all creative ways of helping herself with the grief. The parts had no access to comfort and support, Had no access to positive memories, Because what was triggered for them was abandonment, Painful, Painful abandonment. And speaking of being triggered by our own emotions, What was happening for the parts is that they would grieve and they would cry, And the crying would trigger more grief, Which actually reminds me of another client who gets fear when she starts to cry. So sadness and tears immediately trigger fear, Because crying was very dangerous when she was a child, And sometimes triggers her critical part, Because the critical part is there to say, You know, You're going to get us all killed if you cry. Much of the book is about how we can develop relationships with these parts that bring relief to the client, Because the client is not flooded with the parts' feelings. Once they have the ability to notice, They have the ability to notice the tears, Or notice the anger, Or notice the shame as the feeling of a part. Once they can notice the feeling as the feeling of a part, Then they can begin to have empathy for that part. Most people don't want to have parts, Right? No, Most people don't want to have distressing feelings, Right? It's human nature to try to distance from distressed parts and distressing feelings. But in this approach, We use that ability to notice, To notice the painful feeling as a part, And to notice ourselves noticing that part. And, Right, And once you have both, Once you have the awareness of a part having distressing feelings, And you can notice yourself noticing that part, Then it's possible to begin to have a relationship with that part. I always say to clients, You know, If you're blended with the part, You can't have a relationship with it, Right? To have a relationship with that part, You have to be able to notice the part and notice you noticing the part. And it's through that relational process that the client can begin to feel more, Not only compassion for the part, But to care that the part is suffering. They can begin to develop the ability to stay with a part, Right? Yes, Nobody wants to stay with a distressing emotion. But if that emotion is a young child part in distress, And you can notice you separate from that distress, Then it's possible to feel for that child. So in TIST, We teach our clients to stay with the part, Right? To notice the part, Notice its distress, And to stay with that part. Because who stayed with that child all those years ago, Right? Nobody noticed that the child was suffering. Nobody stayed with the child. And nobody cared how the child felt. In TIST, We say, Stay with that child, Right? Which in itself is a reparative experience. And then I ask clients to notice, Can you care about how that part feels? And to my amazement and awe, Every single client says, Yes, I care that this part is so scared. Yes, I care that this part is so sad. Yes, I care that this part feels so hopeless. And another reparative experience for the part. So in the book, We go through the steps that allow these relationships to build for the client to begin to really appreciate how the part contributed to their survival. So they not only care how the part feels, But they appreciate that the part tried to adapt and survive in the very best way that it could.