The Tao of Letting Others Struggle

What if the greatest help we can offer someone is to stop trying to help?
In entry 78 of the Tao Te Ching, translated by Stephen Mitchell, we’re reminded of the paradox of letting go: sometimes our attempts to fix, rescue, or manage the people we love can get in the way of their own growth.
In this short video, I explore what Taoist wisdom can teach us about codependency, overfunctioning, and trusting others to navigate their own lives. Letting people struggle isn’t the same as not caring. Sometimes, stepping back is one of the most loving things we can do.

Transcript

Hi, Everyone. Today, I wanted to read a quote from the Daodejing. This is the last line of entry 78, The version that is translated by Stephen Mitchell. And it has to do with overfunctioning, Caretaking, Rescue dynamics, And potential codependency. Now, I just wanna preface that. I am not an expert on you and I don't know what is true for you. I can just speak to the things that have impacted me and everyone's dynamics and situations are different. And I'm saying this in case you watch this and think, Well, That's not true for me, And here's why. Hey. I'm just sharing something that's been helpful for me. So entry 78, The Stephen Mitchell version of The Doubt Aging. Because he has given up helping. He is people's greatest help. Because he has given up helping. He is people's greatest help. And the commentary is what really got me. The greatest help is wholeheartedly trusting people to resolve their own problems. A true philanthropist, Like a good parent. Brings people to the point where they can help themselves. The greatest help is wholeheartedly trusting people to resolve their own problems. And so the question that I ask you, That I've asked myself, Absolutely, Is. . . If I stop trying to help. Where it looks like controlling the outcome and managing someone's emotions and trying to rescue them or save them or prevent a crisis for them. If I stop trying to do that, What would I have to face in myself? The discomfort of powerlessness. Pain, Grief, Maybe a blow to my ego. I don't have the power to save other people. How much of my life is unmanageable because I'm trying to help others? The best thing I can do is put the oxygen mask on myself. And be an example. The greatest help that I can be is wholeheartedly trusting others to resolve their own problems. And if they don't. . . Knowing what is my responsibility and what's in my scope of control and what's not. Thank you for watching.

Reviews

I was drawn to this because I’m a “fixer”. My husband is struggling and I don’t know how to “help” . My wiser self whispers just what this message is, my ego habits try to drown out my wise self. This video gets me to the point of trusting my self. There is potential to shift internally. Let go in love (as a parent would do). And, exam the why of my habit so I can grow.

Thank you for such a straight, no chaser, perfect snippet of wisdom to go with my tea this morning! I really love not only the letting go of needing to rescue, but the invitation to confront what shift it would require of each of us within ourselves. Rock on, Hannah, and thanks again!

This is something I am working on and I am thankful for your reminder, it's very helpful.

Allowing people the dignity of growth through their own suffering is something I’ve been struggling with for years. This was such a good watch! Thank you! 😊

Wow, that’s exactly what I needed to hear and reflect on. Thank you so much!