You're having a good day,
You're in a good mood,
And suddenly you look at your phone,
And there it is,
A text message.
With the name of a person that you really did not want to get one from.
And you read that text message and suddenly that good day is gone.
Everything feels like it's ruined and you feel like you're left spiraling in this moment.
Is it just what is on the phone?
Is it just what's written that's causing you to feel like this?
Or is it something deeper?
Stick around because in this episode,
You're going to understand exactly what's happening at a deeper level and how to stop yourself from ruminating and spiraling because of a single text message.
If you're new here,
My name is Dr.
Kelly Kessler.
I'm a doctor of physical therapy,
Transformation coach,
And the host of the podcast,
Rewiring Health.
And I help high-achieving women go from self-abandonment to self-loyalty.
Now let's go into that a little bit deeper because when you receive that text message,
You read it and you immediately feel that.
It may even just be the contact that you're seeing on the phone that causes this reaction.
But when you go a little bit deeper and especially if it's a message that has a lot of projected guilt or someone who's calling you selfish or someone who is really disappointed in you setting a boundary.
That's when things start to feel like they're spiraling.
And the minute you feel that,
You get that sensation in your body.
You notice your throat closes up.
You feel a heaviness in your entire body.
Your legs feel heavy.
You feel tight all over.
Your heart starts pounding,
Your breathing becomes shallow,
You feel like you just can't relax.
It is just consuming your entire existence.
You feel like you have a headache.
You may feel like your stomach is sick.
And you're sitting in this moment with this text message feeling like you don't even know how to handle anything in this moment.
And the hardest part is sometimes you receive this text message when you're out in public,
When you're around people you don't really want to navigate this around.
Or you don't feel safe sharing what's going on in your life with certain people.
And so it just exacerbates what you're experiencing in this exact moment.
And so what's going on at a deeper level here?
Is it truly just a text message that can cause such a big riff in your life?
Or is it something that's been brewing beneath the surface for a much longer time?
If you're someone who has spent most of your life being the dependable one,
Being the people pleaser,
Being the one who has to hold it all together for everyone.
It's likely that there are much deeper reasons why one single text message can send you in a spiral.
The thing is,
When you've been self-abandoning,
You have learned to outsource your safety.
And what that means is that you rely on connection with other people.
You rely on validation from others.
You rely on the peace being kept with relationships,
Regardless of what it takes for you to maintain that.
The thing is,
When you've outsourced your safety and you rely on feeling enough when things are harmonious outside yourself,
And you feel like you're doing a good job when you fill the role That you're meant to play whether it's the good daughter the good partner,
The good employee,
Whatever that might be,
You seek out that validation and allow others to determine whether you are filling that role in a way that is expected.
And this is something that you've learned often from childhood or belief systems that have been shared with you throughout your life that you have bought into being your truth.
So when safety is outside yourself and it relies on relationships and peace being kept outside yourself,
Then the minute that could anything could possibly interrupt that,
Including a text message.
It feels like an actual threat.
Again,
When you look at it,
There's a phone and there's just words and symbols on the phone.
It's not an actual threat.
But your system has learned that anything that could possibly be disconnection is threatening.
And so what does it do?
It registers it as danger.
And that is exactly the minute that the body kicks in.
Because when disconnection is registered,
Is senses that there is a lack of safety or potential lack of safety.
And so your body starts to react in order to try to keep you safe.
In order to try to protect you.
And so that's when your heart starts pounding.
That's when your breathing becomes shallow.
That's when everything tenses up.
That's when you get that.
Emptiness in your stomach,
A sunken feeling in your stomach and indigestion.
You may get a headache.
You may feel like your shoulders are up by your ears.
Your whole body reacts as if it is actually defending itself against an actual danger.
Because it perceives that disconnection as that threat.
And then what happens next?
The minute you feel that sensation in your body,
You go into a rumination cycle.
You start creating stories around it.
You think of how you could have said it differently.
What just happened?
What are they thinking?
What can I do to just fix this and repair this and smooth it over?
Oh my gosh,
What happens if it doesn't get repaired?
What would that look like?
What is the future of this relationship?
You go into every possible situation.
And you also go into everything that has possibly happened in your past.
And your mind starts creating a dialogue around this to make some sense of certainty around what just happened.
Because the thing is,
When you feel there's a sense of certainty,
Your brain and your body and your nervous system say,
Okay,
Now it's somewhat predictable.
If I can regain some semblance of control in this situation,
By creating a story around it that makes sense and is in alignment with the beliefs that I have.
Then I feel safe again.
And so that's just another attempt for your system to feel some sense of safety by ruminating on it.
And then what comes up next.
Is the belief.
So this person,
Through the text message,
Is projecting guilt.
Maybe calling you selfish,
Maybe angry at you for your decisions and your boundaries.
They are sharing everything that they're feeling emotionally and putting it on you as if it's yours to carry.
In that moment,
Your beliefs kick in.
The beliefs that you carry and how you identify yourself.
That is exactly what we'll kick in next.
And if one of your beliefs along the way is that in order for me to feel enough.
I have to over give.
If one of your beliefs is in order for me to be enough,
I have to make sure that I fill the roles that I play perfectly.
In order for me to feel enough,
I have to make sure nobody is disappointed with me.
In order for me to feel like I am enough,
I have to do whatever I need to do just to keep the peace.
In all these relationships.
And those are the beliefs that perpetuate this cycle.
And so what happens when you have those beliefs running the show,
You feel this threat in your body,
You're ruminating and creating stories around it,
And you're in this place of fear.
Paralysis as if you can't even function or breathe or move.
You don't even know what to do in this moment.
You do the first thing that you can possibly do is react.
And you react in a way that gives you that instant relief that your system is craving.
And so what does that reaction look like?
It looks like instantly responding to that text message,
Just saying it one more way differently so that they can perfectly understand you.
Over-explaining yourself time and time again just so you could feel understood.
It looks like apologizing when you know you did nothing wrong.
It looks like softening your boundaries,
Going back on your word.
Not honoring your own peace,
But prioritizing theirs.
It looks like making sure you do say and be whatever you need to do just to minimize someone else's discomfort.
And here,
While you feel relief in the short term,
It ends up costing you in the long run.
And that is exactly why one single text message can ruin your day.
And it can not only ruin your day,
If you've been in this situation,
You know it can ruin multiple days,
Weeks,
Months.
Years,
Potentially,
Where you're still reliving these conversations.
You're still replaying all the text messages that you've received.
You're still questioning how you handled it.
Could you have said it differently?
You're still over explaining yourself to try to get somebody to understand who's dead set on misunderstanding you.
That is the cost here.
And so what do you do?
What do you do?
Because you can't necessarily control the text messages that come in.
You don't want to go through your life thinking that,
My gosh,
Like at any point I could be having a great day and just one person,
One text message.
Could change everything,
Shift me back into this.
Well,
I'm gonna give you a quick practice that you can do the next time you get a text message that throws you into that spiral.
And so inevitably there will be moments that you receive things that are not.
Really what you prefer and you notice this upheaval of your emotions and you notice your whole system speaking to you loudly.
And bringing you into this whole spiral effect of rumination,
Questioning yourself,
Doubt,
Guilt,
Fear,
All the things that come up when you receive something like that.
And I believe that will happen again.
And the next time it does.
What I want you to do.
Is notice this.
The thing is,
You're not going to question,
What did I do wrong?
How could I have handled this differently?
What do they think about me?
Are they disappointed in me?
Because you know those are the questions you typically ask yourself right after it happens.
What you're gonna do is ask yourself,
How can I stay with me in this moment?
Simple as that.
How can I stay with me in this moment?
And then your brain will immediately go into problem-solving mode of answering that question.
And what that can look like is putting one hand on your heart,
One hand on your forehead or your belly,
And just breathing through it.
It can look like pausing before you respond,
And noticing that this is just the beginning.
Conditioning.
This doesn't mean I'm a bad person.
This doesn't mean that I'm wrong.
This is just someone who's disappointed in me choosing something for myself.
That's what it is.
Call it for what it actually is.
Recognize the patterns that you're seeing.
Recognize in yourself that your body is just trying to protect you.
It doesn't mean that something is truly a danger.
But you've learned along the way that it feels like danger.
And if you can see yourself,
Not from so close up that you can't see what's going on,
But can take a step back and recognize that.
In this moment,
This is really hard.
And this is asking me to abandon myself.
And I'm no longer willing to do that.
How can I stay with me in this moment?
And allow whatever comes up for you to come up.
Allow you to tune into your breath.
Ground yourself into your present area.
Feeling your feet on the floor.
Scanning your room,
Noticing there is no real physical threat at this time.
I am safe.
Even just allowing yourself to do that.
Instead of going into that spiral,
Will give you enough space to start to see things differently.
Because when you move from self-abandonment to self-loyalty,
It's not an overnight decision and everything changes.
It's in these little moments.
Where you stay with yourself more than you did last time.
And the next time it comes up,
You do it again.
You stay with yourself.
And over time,
This.
Succession of the fear of disconnection,
The danger,
The rumination,
The beliefs running the show.
That starts to become dismantled.
And you get to build the life that you are meant to build.
One that is built on your own self-loyalty.
If this has deeply spoken to you and you can recall a time where you were also having a great day ruined by a text message.
Leave me a comment below.
I would love to hear your experience.
And if you know someone who needs to hear this,
Share this episode with them,
And I will see you in the next one.
