Hi,
Dr.
Denise Webb here,
Clinical psychologist.
Welcome to my video on emotional neglect.
In this video,
I'm going to talk about how emotional neglect Sets you up.
To neglect yourself even if you've always believed it's just a self-discipline problem.
So in a moment I'm going to give you some amazing tips that will help you basically flip your self-neglect on its head and turn it into the self-care that you should have been having all along.
But first I want to start by explaining why and how self-neglect so often seems like it's actually a self-discipline problem.
So we're not all born knowing how to have good self-discipline.
We really learn this skill from our parents.
For example.
If you're having problems with getting your homework done,
And you're starting to have problems in school.
Your parents may need to set you up with a specific homework time to do homework after school.
Your parents should be watching to notice what you need when you need it.
So they should be watching what you eat.
Make sure you get healthy food.
Make sure you get plenty of outdoor time.
Make sure you get enough exercise and enough sleep.
These are basic needs that children have.
But the problem is that emotionally neglectful households are lacking two critical ingredients that children absolutely must have.
In order to learn how to discipline themselves,
Emotional attention,
And intentional structuring.
And by intentional,
I mean purposely designed to really meet the child's unique needs.
But because emotionally neglectful parents aren't really able to see their child in a deep and emotional way,
They're in danger of not seeing what their child needs and not setting the proper limits or rewards to teach their child.
When children receive consequences,
And requirements and rewards from their parents that are tailor-made for them.
They're able to internalize the ability to give themselves that kind of structure.
And then they bring that skill forward all the way into their adult lives.
And it actually makes life a lot easier for people.
Basically,
When your parents structure you and give you intentional consequences.
This teaches you.
It trains your brain how to Basically,
Stop yourself from doing things that you shouldn't do.
And you also learn how to make yourself do things that maybe you don't want to do,
But you should.
The opposite is also true.
If your parents don't set enough consequences for you,
And they don't provide enough intentional structuring for you.
You are at risk of not learning these two essential skills.
How to stop yourself from doing things you shouldn't do,
And how to make yourself do things that you should do.
And so this is a real problem.
Both of these essential skills actually form the underpinnings of self-discipline.
And then there's another factor at work as well in the lives of those who grew up with childhood emotional neglect.
If your feelings were treated in your childhood home,
Like they didn't matter.
At the same time that your nervous system and your brain were developing.
You naturally,
Probably internalized the message.
Without even realizing it,
That your feelings don't matter.
I've seen this message over and over and over again.
In my patients who grew up in emotionally neglectful households.
They feel on some deep emotional level like they just don't matter.
And since your feelings are the deepest and most personal expression of who you are,
You basically end up like and believing.
You end up believing and feeling like you don't matter.
Not only do your feelings not matter,
But you don't matter.
And this is the root of self-neglect.
We end up treating ourselves like we don't matter,
Just the way we felt growing up.
So,
Deep down,
You may not feel that you even deserve the time it takes to get enough sleep.
Or to exercise.
You may not feel that you deserve.
What it costs,
The expensive therapy,
Or the time and energy of your friends to support you.
And the problem is that when you don't Give yourself these things when you don't take care of yourself properly.
Each time.
That you don't care for yourself properly.
You're actually sending a message to your deepest self that says,
Once again,
You don't matter.
Let me give you some examples of ways that you neglect yourself and communicate to your deepest self that you don't matter.
First of all,
Eating poorly I think is a great example.
If you eat unhealthy foods.
You are not taking care of your body properly.
Of course,
Everybody eats unhealthy foods sometimes,
And that's okay.
Becomes too big of a deal.
Habit.
Then you are sending messages every day to your deepest self that you don't matter.
Not getting enough exercise is an example.
Not getting enough fresh air or sleep.
Putting your need for enjoyment last and put everyone else's wishes and everyone else's need for enjoyment first.
These are all things that people who grew up with emotional neglect have a tendency to do.
Basically.
.
.
Excuse me,
Over committing yourself.
So that you are so busy that you don't have time to do what you actually want to do is another example.
And not giving yourself enough free time.
Putting other people's needs before your own.
Using alcohol or drugs is another example.
To avoid your feelings is an example of poor self-care.
Some people might view a lot of these when they observe them in themselves as if they're self-discipline problems.
But actually.
.
.
It is just a lack of self-care and deep down a feeling that you don't deserve.
Those good things for yourself.
Addition to lacking these two major key skills.
Stopping yourself from doing things you shouldn't do and making yourself do things that you should do.
So I'm going to give you some tips now.
That will help you turn your self-neglect on its head and turn it into self-care.
The first tip is to take ownership for your own self-neglect.
Actually take a long hard look at yourself and a deep look at yourself and ask yourself,
What kinds of self-neglect am I engaging in?
Of all the categories that I gave you a few minutes ago,
Try to write down which categories you feel apply to you.
And then seconds.
Think deeply again about something else.
About what you learned about self-care and self-discipline when you were growing up.
And even more importantly,
What you didn't learn.
What did you not have the opportunity to learn when you were a child?
It's very helpful to understand where your struggles with self-care and self-discipline came from so that you can stop blaming yourself.
Stop feeling inadequate and instead basically just view it as a Problem to tackle.
This is something I didn't get in childhood.
This is something I'm going to tackle now.
The third tip is to take responsibility for your own self-care now.
Your parents were responsible for you when you were a child.
You are responsible for yourself now.
You are the one and only steward of your own self-care now.
This all falls on you.
So take responsibility.
And my fifth tip for you.
Is that every time you make yourself exercise,
Eat healthy,
Or engage in some other form of self-care,
You are sending a message to your deepest self.
You matter.
And so my tip is to listen to those messages and send yourself as many of them as you possibly can because it can make a very big difference in your life.
So please let me know in the comments below this video what you got out of it.
I hope you got something out of it.
Did you learn something about yourself?
Did I give you something to think about?
Please share your own experience with self-discipline and self-care and self-neglect.
I really want to hear it.
In my next video,
I'm going to talk about how emotional neglect impacts your love relationship.
Which is a very popular and common topic that I get asked about constantly.
I'm going to talk a lot about it and give you a lot of good information.
See you in the next video.
