Building Patience During Conflict

We all experience conflict in our lives at some point. Because it’s so painful, we tend to respond in unskillful ways, causing unnecessary suffering for ourselves and others. This short but powerful practice gently trains you to stay present with the pain of conflict without the need to react, retaliate, or escape. When used on a consistent basis, it can transform your relationships with yourself and others, leading to a more compassionate life.

Transcript

Hello, Dear one. My name is Dr. Alex and I am here to guide you through a transformative practice where we're going to build tolerance and patience during times of conflict. We've all experienced conflict with another person at some point in our lives. It's part of the human experience. It can be extremely painful and unfortunately we tend to create more suffering during conflict with our reactivity and our anger. We often write a painful narrative that isn't even rooted in reality. And which causes us and the other person more pain. Why do we do this? Because we have learned unskillful habits to escape discomfort and retaliation carries a false promise of relief. We write a painful storyline about the situation that is enhanced by our own limiting beliefs about ourselves and others. And in that way, We are not seeing things the way that they truly are. So how do we learn to approach conflict in a more intentional way? By engaging in consistent practices that help us build tolerance for discomfort, Which over time makes us more patient and more compassionate towards ourselves and others. And because it can be really overwhelming to practice in this way when we are actually in a state of conflict with another person. We start in the kiddie pool by imagining a scenario that evokes frustration or anger. And building our skill set during the visualization practice. Then we can begin applying this to real life scenarios as we begin to build more tolerance to discomfort. So let's begin this practice in building patience by finding a comfortable posture. Close down the eyes and turn your attention inwards. And let's invite just a few deep intentional breaths in through the nose. And out through the mouth, Sigh it out. Good, Just a few more like that. In through the nose. Out through the mouth. Observe any tension you may be holding and allow your body to let go. Really allowing your whole system to relax here. And now from this very relaxed and regulated place, I want you to call to mind a recent conflict you've had with another person. Perhaps this is something ongoing in the present or something that feels unresolved from the past. Perhaps this is an inner conflict you're holding that hasn't even expressed itself outwardly yet. A resentment. A crutch. Calling this situation and the other person or people involved to mind here with as much detail as possible. Picture this person and hear the words that they said to you that were painful. Or the words that you said that were painful. What's happening here? Are you tightening? Are you contracting? Really tuning into the felt experience in the body. What somatic sensations does this particular scenario provoke in you? Tuning in to the rawness of the sensations and emotions that arise when you think about this conflict. We're not judging or trying to fix or trying to even relax the tension. We're just noticing. And bear witness here to the mind's tendency to make us right and the other person wrong. Witnessing the strong urge of the mind to wander away from the discomfort and into a storyline. And continuing to gently. Non-judgmentally. Come back to the body. Staying with the rawness and vulnerability that arises when we visualize this conflict and this other person. And when thoughts, Justifications or storylines arise, Just noticing and coming back repeatedly to the rawness and vulnerability in the body. We are building tolerance to discomfort here by staying with the underlying pain that this situation provokes without escaping into our thoughts. And yes, Dear one, This requires quite a lot of bravery because it's painful. But just do your best to stay with the rawness of your emotions and the sensations in the body. And from this very vulnerable place, I want you to ask yourself. . . Who's in charge here? Who is really in charge? Is it the other person and the mean words that they said? Or are you in charge? Are you in charge because how you choose to respond is your responsibility? And is it possible that while we can't control the way others treat us, We can control the way in which we respond? And we can build patience by building tolerance to the discomfort that arises in these situations without needing to act. Without needing to lash out, Retaliate, Or escape. Who's in charge? And given how incredibly painful it is to experience the rawness and vulnerability that arises when someone hurts us, We can think to ourselves, Why would I ever want to make someone else feel this way? And this is a shared human experience. The way you feel right now when you provoke emotion in response to conflict, This is not unique to you. All people feel this. And why, If we know how painful it is, Would we ever want to make another human feel like this? And when we react with rage or lash out in an unskillful way of trying to protect ourselves, That's exactly what we do. We make others feel this way. And that can be our guiding force in the future for how we choose to respond. And building tolerance and resiliency in this way, In this controlled environment. Can be the anecdote to reactivity and to causing others harm. Just for a few more moments continuing to stay with this underlying vulnerability and rawness. You did such a good job. I encourage you to return to this practice on a consistent basis so that you can habituate yourself to experiencing this type of discomfort without the need to react or numb out. Then when you are actually in the fire during conflict, You can more easily access this part of you that is steadfast and patient so that your relationships with others and with yourself are rooted in compassion and ease. Thank you for your bravery today. I would love to hear about how this was for you. So if you're open, Please share a comment about your experience. Be well, And I'll see you soon.