Some would say it's easier to stretch the truth when you're creating a dating profile,
Particularly when you're hoping to present the version of yourself you imagine would attract the perfect person.
And perhaps this is one of the paradoxes of online dating.
Technology has made it easier than ever to find people,
Yet in some ways it has made it much harder to know them.
Before online dating,
We often had the opportunity to witness someone before we ever considered dating them.
You might see someone at the gym.
At work.
Through friends or in your community.
You might notice how they treated other people.
You might have a short conversation.
You might notice their habits,
Their attitude,
Their mindset.
You might observe how they behaved when they were frustrated or stressed.
You might simply have a feeling about who they were when you were in their presence.
That kind of knowing is very different from reading a profile.
And this is something I've been thinking about after a recent conversation with my client,
Jolene.
As always,
I've changed identifying details to protect my client's privacy.
Her story is true.
Jolene recently told me about a first date she had with someone she met online.
The man had lied,
Describing himself on his profile as being considerably taller than he actually was.
And still,
That wasn't the most surprising part of the evening.
As they left the restaurant and walked out onto the busy sidewalk to be met with the gentle breeze on a warm summer's evening,
He immediately lit a cigarette.
Jolene looked at him somewhat perplexed.
You smoke?
Yeah.
But you said you were a non-smoker.
And his response was,
Yeah,
Is it going to be a problem?
Well,
Yes,
She said,
And not necessarily because he smoked,
But because he had already decided that the truth was negotiable.
And that is where this story becomes much bigger than a person who lied about his height or his smoking.
Because what are we actually looking for when we're looking for a partner?
A photograph?
A particular height?
A particular profession.
Someone who likes the same music?
Someone who checks enough of the boxes on our profile?
Or are we trying to discover character?
Online dating has made us much better at screening.
We screen photographs.
We screen age.
We screen profession.
We screen education.
We screen height.
We screen whether someone smokes or drinks.
We screen political beliefs,
Interests,
Location,
And an extraordinary number of other things.
And some of this is absolutely reasonable.
Knowing what matters to you is important.
And yet do we screen?
Enough before we set out to meet the person we met online.
Having boundaries is important.
Knowing what you want in a relationship.
Is important.
In fact,
I encourage people to create what I call an ideal mate checklist.
Not a checklist of perfection,
Not a fantasy list of physical characteristics or accomplishments that another person must possess in order to qualify for your love,
But a thoughtful reflection on the values,
Beliefs,
Behaviors,
And qualities that matter most to you in a healthy relationship.
You Because if you go searching without first being clear about what you truly want in a partner,
You are much more likely to make allowances for things that deserve your attention.
You may find yourself saying,
Well,
Perhaps that doesn't really matter.
Perhaps it does.
Because when attraction,
Hope,
Or loneliness enter the picture,
We can become remarkably good at negotiating with ourselves.
Having a thoughtful standard of measurement can help you recognize a no before you turn it into a yes.
There is another problem here.
The abundance of online dating can create the feeling that there is always someone else.
Someone more attractive.
Someone more interesting.
Someone more successful.
Someone who might be a better match.
And when there appear to be endless possibilities,
We can become very good at selecting people without becoming particularly good at knowing them.
We can forget that the person on the screen is not a profile,
Not a photograph,
Not a swipe,
Not an option,
A human being.
And perhaps the real world of dating begins after we consider the possibility of the photograph.
So I want to offer you something practical.
Before you agree to meet someone,
Have a conversation.
Ask questions that matter to you.
Create an interview that will give you important answers before you ever meet,
And because you are curious.
Here are the five questions that you might ask.
Relationship.
2.
How did you change or grow?
As a result of what you learned.
Number three,
What do you believe is most important in cultivating a loving relationship?
Number four,
How would you describe yourself?
And fifth,
Are there relationships in your life that are currently strained or conflicted?
And what do you believe has contributed to that?
And then listen,
Not only to the answer,
Listen to the person answering.
Can they acknowledge their own contribution to a relationship ending?
Do they speak about previous partners with some compassion and perspective,
Or is every previous partner described as crazy,
Difficult,
Or entirely responsible?
Can they speak about themselves with both honesty and humility?
Do their words remain consistent?
Do they seem genuinely curious about you?
Or are they primarily interested in being admired by you?
These things matter.
And yes,
A video conversation can be so useful before meeting in person.
You can observe how someone responds when you ask something meaningful.
You can notice whether they become defensive,
Dismissive,
Curious,
Or thoughtful.
You can notice whether their words and their stories seem to align.
You're not trying to diagnose them.
To know them.
And the best first dates,
I believe,
Are often the ones where you've already learned many things about the person before you've met.
Where they've consistently shown up with words,
Answers,
And lived experiences that align.
The photograph gets you to a conversation.
Character determines what happens once you're there.
And this brings me to what I believe may be one of the deepest issues in contemporary dating.
Social media and online dating have blurred the line between being ourselves and portraying ourselves as the person we imagine someone else is looking for.
Jolene said something in our session that stayed with me.
She described what she had been experiencing as toxic dating and her words made me think these are toxic behaviors we need to become much better at recognizing long before we ever agree whether to meet someone in person.
Dishonesty,
Manipulation,
Boundary violations,
Breadcrumbing,
Ghosting,
Love bombing,
Attention without intention,
People who want access to you without actually wanting to know you,
Choice overload,
And constant comparison.
Performing an idealized version of ourselves,
And,
As Jolene described it,
Toxic dating that can leave us feeling badly about who we are.
These behaviors deserve our attention because online dating can quietly turn the experience of looking for love into an experience of evaluating yourself.
You don't get the response you hoped for.
You might think,
What's wrong with me?
Someone doesn't match with you.
You might say,
Am I attractive enough?
Someone chooses someone else.
You might think,
What do they have that I don't.
You are repeatedly rejected,
You might say to yourself,
Maybe I'm simply not lovable.
And after enough of those experiences,
The person who began by looking for a relationship can end up questioning their own worth.
Toxic dating can make us feel bad about who we are.
Dating should be an opportunity to discover compatibility.
Not a referendum on your worth.
The question isn't,
Why doesn't everyone want me?
The question is,
Do I know myself well enough to recognize the person who is right for me?
And do I know my own worth well enough not to make someone else's lack of interest mean something about my worth?
And still,
There is another side to this.
Because you also have to ask yourself,
What am I bringing into this dating culture?
And perhaps this is where we have an opportunity to pause and look at ourselves.
Not in a judgmental way,
Not by asking what's wrong with me,
But by becoming genuinely curious about the person we are bringing into the search for love.
Who am I really?
What have my relationships taught me about myself?
What patterns have I repeated?
What am I proud of?
What am I still learning?
What do I know I need to work on?
What do I value so deeply that I am unwilling to compromise it?
And perhaps,
Just as importantly,
What do I genuinely love about myself?
Because self-awareness isn't simply knowing our wounds.
It is knowing our strengths.
It is knowing our capacity for love.
It is knowing what we bring to another person's life.
And it is being honest enough to recognize the places where we still have growing to do.
This is not about waiting until you are completely healed before you allow yourself to be loved.
It is about being honest about where you are.
You can be a beautiful work in progress.
You can still be learning.
You can still have places in yourself that you are healing.
You can still be discovering who you are.
And you can still say,
Honestly,
This is who I am.
This is what I value.
These are the things I love about myself.
These are the things I'm still working on.
And I'm committed to continuing to grow.
We live in a time where there are extraordinary opportunities to learn,
To heal,
To access professional help,
To become more self-aware,
And to develop emotionally.
And yet sometimes,
We can spend enormous energy creating a profile designed to attract the person we hope will love us,
While spending far less time asking,
Who am I really?
What do I value?
What do I love about myself?
What am I still working on?
What have my past relationships taught me?
What patterns am I committed to changing?
Who am I still becoming?
And am I prepared to offer another person?
The kind of honesty,
Emotional maturity,
And love that I hope to receive.
Because sometimes the longing to be loved becomes so strong that we begin looking outward for the person we hope will finally make us feel worthy,
Chosen,
And complete.
And that is a vulnerable place from which to date.
There is something deeply attractive about that kind of emotional maturity.
Not perfection.
Self-awareness.
Not a carefully constructed character.
Authenticity.
Not,
Here is the person I think you want me to be,
But here I am.
This is me.
And I am continuing to become more fully myself.
So perhaps the question isn't whether online dating is good or bad.
It has made finding people easier.
It has created opportunities for connection that many people would never otherwise have had.
But technology cannot do the human work for us.
It cannot tell us who someone is.
It cannot teach us discernment.
It cannot make us honest.
And it certainly cannot love for us.
We still have to do that part ourselves.
So before you swipe,
Know yourself.
Know what matters to you.
Know the difference between attraction and compatibility.
Ask better questions.
Listen carefully,
Remembering the qualities you've listed on your ideal mate checklist.
Attention to consistency.
And don't negotiate away the things you know matter simply because you hope someone will become the person you want them to be.
And when you create your own profile,
Remember this,
You don't have to be perfect to be worthy of love.
You can be a beautiful work in progress and still present an honest portrayal of who you are.
Because that honesty is attractive.
It is honorable.
And it brings you far closer to finding and meeting the person who is truly right for you.
Because the goal isn't to become the person someone else is looking for.
The goal is to have the courage to be fully yourself.
And allow the right person to recognize you.
Perhaps that's where we'll leave it for today.
Before you swipe,
Remember yourself.
Thank you so much for listening.
This is Dorothy Sonori Juno.
Namaste.
