When You Get Too Anxious

00:30

08:25

When You Get Too Anxious

by Ann Weiser Cornell

Type

talks

Activity

Meditation

Suitable for

Everyone

Do you stay tense and on edge long after something has startled you? A student found big purchase decisions under pressure very stressful, and tried a three-step approach at a car dealership: stay connected with your body, say "I am sensing something in me feels tense" so you remember it is a part of you, and simply be with that part with compassion, without trying to change it or reassure it. Ann Weiser Cornell explains why telling a feeling to calm down does not help, and why this skill gets easier with practice. This content is educational and is not a substitute for one to one professional care.

Emotional Labeling Affect Naming Practice Acceptance Meditation Metta For Self Anxiety Stress Inner Peace Compassion Emotional Validation Body Awareness Mindfulness Inner Peace Cultivation

Meet your Teacher

Ann Weiser Cornell

Berkeley, CA, USA

Meet your Teacher

Ann Weiser Cornell

Berkeley, CA, USA

Transcript

I'm Anne. And here's what I love to talk about. Finding inner peace in challenging times. Why do we want to do that? Why is inner peace so important? Well, For one thing. Stress is bad for you. Have you heard about cortisol, The stress hormone? It turns out that we need a reasonable amount of cortisol to control our blood pressure, Increase our body's metabolism of glucose, And reduce inflammation. We need some of it, And like so many things in life, It's too much of it. That's the problem. Well, A good way to tell if you've got too much stress is if your stress level stays high all the time. If you're triggered into reactivity by something that happens, And then you stay activated, Touchy and tense all day long. What should happen is that after we get startled and we deal with whatever that was, Our nervous system settles down again. And that allows us to get refreshed and build up our resources for the next time. And if we stay tense and hyper alert after the trigger is passed, We get tired. We deplete our resources, And you know that's not true. And this reminds me of the story of my student Peggy. She would get extremely anxious in situations where she had to make an important decision under pressure. For example, When she had to buy a new car or a major appliance. So many things to factor in and the salesperson standing right there looking impatient. For Peggy, This brought up an enormous amount of tension. Sometimes. It was so nerve-wracking. That she would leave the dealership without making a decision, Without making a purchase, Which was too bad because she would just have to go back again. And the worst of it was. . . Once Peggy's anxiety got triggered, It didn't relax and give her relief, Even if she did make the decision and buy the TV or the car or whatever it was. She would stay tense all day, Maybe even all week. With disturbed sleep and a sense of exhaustion. Feeling like there wasn't anything she could do to calm herself. Has that ever happened for you? Peggy, Of course, Dreaded those big purchase decisions with all the stress and the pressure, Which luckily for her didn't come along too often. But recently, Her old car died and she simply had to get a new one. She knew the visit to the car dealership was going to be anxiety provoking. So before she went, She reviewed a helpful process she had learned from me and crossed her fingers that it would actually make a difference. Well, What was that helpful process? Okay. Number one. Stay connected with the body. Keep on feeling how you feel, Even while the situation is happening. Two. If you're feeling anxiety, Stress, Tension, Etc. , Use this language so you remember that it's a part of you feeling that, Not all of you. I am sensing something in me feel. And three, Just be with the one in you that's feeling that way. Don't try to change it or tell it that everything will be okay. Just be with the feeling in the body and the something in you that feels that way with compassion. So, Peggy arrived at the car dealership. Her tension was already up around the roof. The salesperson approached and started asking questions. What are you looking for today? How much do you want to spend? Every question increased Peggy's anxiety. Her stomach started to wind up tighter and tighter. She knew. How her stomach felt. Because she was already following step number one, Staying connected with the body and feeling the feelings that were there. It wasn't comfortable, But at least it helped her to stay present. While the salesperson stepped away to check on something. And while we're away. . . Peggy took the opportunity to follow the rest of the process she'd learned. She put a gentle hand on her stomach and she said, Very quietly, I am sensing something in me that is feeling so tense right now. And then she stayed with it, Not trying to fix it, Not trying to tell it that everything would be okay, Just being absolutely present with compassion for the one in her that was feeling so tense and anxious. Five minutes later when the salesperson came back. Peggy was feeling completely fine. True. I know because she emailed me the next day, Feeling so grateful. The anxiety went away. It didn't come back. And furthermore, She bought a new car. So, Okay. Why is it so important not to tell the anxious part of us that everything's gonna be okay? First of all, If that would work, We would be recommending it. Our experience is that it doesn't work. And the reason it doesn't work. Is that you're in essence telling your feeling that it should change. And from its point of view, You're invalidating how it feels right now instead of accepting how it feels. And if a child comes running up to you in tears with a scraped knee, Do you say, It's nothing, Don't be so upset. Or do you say, Ow, That really hurt, Didn't it? And while you're putting on a band-aid and giving lots of love, You're saying, Yeah, That really hurt. You know, Feelings tend to move on when they're acknowledged and when they're dismissed and not acknowledged. They tend to hang on and not change. Well, Of course there could be other factors. It might not be this simple. But this did really happen for Peggy. Five minutes of gentle presence right there in the car dealership and the tight stomach relax. Hey, It didn't happen in four minutes or three minutes. It took five, But it relaxed. And I was so happy for her. So what were those three steps again? Stay connected with the body. Stay with the feeling you're having, Even in the situation where you're happy. And two, If you're feeling anxiety, Stress, Tension, Etc. , Use this language to help you remember it's a part of you that's feeling that, Not all of you. I'm sensing something in me. I'm sensing something in me that feels extremely tense in my stomach. And three, Just be with the one in you that's feeling that way. Just be with the feeling in the body and the something in you that feels that way. Give it your company with compassion. Here's a tip, By the way. You can probably tell the ability to simply be how you feel without trying to change it might be challenging. There might be a sense of impatience or doubt about whether you're going to do it right. Good news! Simply being with process? Is a skill that gets better with practice. Start practicing the next time you feel stress in your body and you can be confident that it will get easier and easier every time you do it. So here's to you. Having a more peaceful life.