The universal love pouring into my heart in this moment is so real.
I am such a shining star,
I'm so bright and vibrant.
And I used to wonder,
Do I love myself?
Do I love each and every cell in my body so much that I could do anything?
And this made me wonder,
If I don't love myself,
How is my life so poor?
And so I saw for the first time that I didn't love myself.
The pain in my chest,
The insecurities in my heart,
The holding in my stomach,
The words in my mind,
The harshness in my voice,
The irregularity in my cycle,
And the flow in my body was blocked.
I did not love myself.
As a child growing up,
I did not love myself.
As a youngster in high school,
I did not love myself.
I thought I loved myself.
I thought I knew what love meant,
But I did not love myself.
And so I was little,
And it is in these cycles when we are little that we cannot escape.
We hurt,
We cry,
We fear,
We suffer.
We run,
We hide,
We shadow.
We live in these insecurities of the world that make us know we want more,
But unable to get more.
And so we continue to fall back down the hill towards a hole deeper and deeper in the ground.
This question of do I love myself arose when I was coming out of a dark period.
I had two or three months off for the first time in 19 years to just sit and be.
And it was in these moments I saw myself dig into a deeper hole.
I saw myself become lesser,
And I felt very insignificant,
Very unaware of the world,
And as if no one wanted me,
No one needed me,
And that I was no one.
And for the first time ever,
I saw life for its realness.
I saw that I was no one because I didn't have the ability to be someone.
And it was in these moments that I cried,
I ached,
I suffered,
And more than ever I just saw my health diminishing.
I saw my body getting smaller,
And as the walls caved in around me,
I couldn't breathe.
You know,
After a history of eating disorders,
After a history of being anorexic,
Not being able to speak my word,
Having anxiety,
IBS,
SIBO,
A numerous range of gut issues,
Being labeled as this illness and that illness,
I started to wonder,
Is this my life?
Is this it to life?
Do I have to carry these burdens forever?
Are these burdens something that are going to stay with me forever?
And so one day I opened the book called The Universe Has My Back.
I started to read it,
Take notes and journal about it.
And so this was during the time period when I had my three months off.
And at first I was like,
I've got all this,
This is me,
The universe has my back,
I love myself,
The world loves me.
I know what's going on in life.
But then it hit me like a stone in the back.
I had nothing.
For so long I had been asking the universe for the answers.
For so long I had been asking people for the answers.
I had been searching outside,
Had been going to different mentors,
Different healers,
Different medicine supporters.
I had seen at least 10 or 12 different people in the field of health and well-being attached to them that they would bring me the clues,
That they would bring me the answers.
And that they would tell me what I needed.
But they didn't.
These quick fixes,
Three months and you'll have your period back.
Three months and your gut will be healed.
Three months and you know,
Your body is going to be shining again.
And each time my body didn't shine.
In fact it suffered more.
Three months of dealing with each practitioner.
And sometimes three years,
Sometimes longer.
My body became less.
And the more I held onto these thoughts,
The more I held onto these feelings,
These emotions that this was the clue to unlocking everything in life,
The bigger the lie was inside my head.
The bigger I was suffered by the world around me.
The bigger I became smaller.
There was so much confusion in my head,
So much fear and just pure fear that I'm not good enough,
I'm not healthy enough,
I'm not vibrant enough.
I'm not smart enough,
I'm not fast enough,
I'm not anything.
There was just all this fear and these stories crept into my head.
If I can do this,
Then I can be that and if I can do this,
Then I'll do that.
And it's only when I achieve this that I'll be able to do this.
It's only when I achieve this goal that I'll get to that goal.
And these stories in my head suffocated me for the more I held onto these beliefs and holdings,
The more I hid them behind my back and they became nothing.
Because these holdings,
I was holding them so,
So tight that I was allowing nothing in.
The control,
The perfectionist,
The desire to have order in everything and knowing how the flow would work for the day wasn't the flow of the universe.
These holdings,
They captured me so tight that I was fighting my own mind.
I was fighting my own body.
I was fighting my identity.
I was fighting my love and my realness.
I was fighting my peace and my surrendering.
These walls that caught me,
That captured me and that held me,
They had spikes to my body.
And each time I'd push on one of the walls to try and get out,
The spikes would leech harder and sharper into my body.
They would push on my body.
My legs,
They were covered in sores.
My brain throbbed.
It was hard to walk at times.
And from a person who used to run half marathons to having to learn to walk and some days not even walk 100 metres was challenging.
From a child who could paint,
Who could draw,
Who could create,
Who could dance in the rain and be free,
To a human,
To a lady who had to lay and be still and not do much.
And to be in this dark place,
No one around me,
Living alone,
It was tough.
It was probably one of the toughest periods of my life.
And at times I did not know how to escape.
But there was an inkling in my heart that knew I was more.
That knew that the world was more and each human living on this world had more to offer.
This little inkling,
It was like this tiny little speck of dirt just somehow shining through all the other dirts and calling your name.
That was the only thing left in my heart.
It was the only glimpse of hope.
I had no friends.
I left my family because I knew I was feeling trapped there.
I was living in this place of fear and suffering,
Trying to escape,
Trying to find my identity.
I was studying.
I felt secure in my house and my life,
But I had no security of abundance.
None at all.
And I want you to breathe that in.
Have you ever had these holdings,
These fears,
These hurt,
These pain,
These health issues,
This feeling of nothing and loneliness and these feelings of.
Faintness,
Unworthiness.
These feelings of.
No one.
Have you ever felt like.
Every time you try and swim in the ocean,
You get pulled under further and further,
And at times you can't even breathe.
The world around feels so.
Crawl.
This in.
Take a deep breath in.
And again.
One last time,
Breathing.
Feel the peace in your body.
There was always a way out and there is always a turnaround spot and these feelings of suffering,
Loss,
Aches,
Pretend.
Pain.
Little less.
The illness is in our bodies.
It's not an identity the universe wants for any of us.
It's not an identity that whatever it is to you,
God,
Just whoever that is,
For me,
It's a universe.
We are not here to be small,
But rather we are all here to shine our light and to be big.
We are all here to be bold,
To be brave,
To be courageous,
To be strong.
And most of all,
To find the love within us.
And finding the love within us is.
Harder said.
It's harder.
To do than to say.
We don't have love within us and to find that love is even harder.
But it's possible.
And for me,
It's been a journey of.
Just predominantly surrendering all that I was,
All that I am and all that I will be each and every day.
And I'm still very new to this.
I've been on this journey for not that long now.
But through surrendering.
I have found a world of love,
A world of light and a world of true human beings.
Love is a complicated world.
It's a complicated word and it's a word that we use so easily yet we forget the real meaning of it.
And as a child growing up,
If I saw someone in pain,
I used to go.
They need more love.
They need a hug.
I want to hug that person.
I want to love that person.
I don't care that they've committed a crime.
I don't care that they may have just murdered someone.
I don't care that they've lit something on fire or stolen something.
I don't care who they are.
I don't care that they've just lied.
Because underneath all these hurtful feelings is just a painful child suffering.
And that's where I was at.
I was a painful child suffering.
And so it was through this experience,
This eye-opening experience I had.
I went on a retreat and it was a business retreat but it was nothing like a business retreat for me.
It was a spiritual awakening retreat.
And for the first time ever I had to give up all order.
I had to give up all expectations,
All knowings.
I had to give up what I was going to eat,
Who I was going to be with,
When was my flight going to be going,
When was I going to eat my meals.
These things that I held onto I just had to surrender.
And they may sound little but for me they were big things in my mind.
I was having to surrender to the flow of my day,
As I would call it the flow.
I had to surrender to the pain.
I had to surrender to the stuckness in my body.
I had to surrender to my illnesses preventing me from moving forwards.
I had to surrender to not knowing a thing.
I had to surrender to walking out of my comfort spot and walking into a new world of unknownness.
And as I arrived it was a weird feeling in that the ego,
This ego we all have right,
It traps us in the moment.
It traps us and it makes us think about not the moment in fact,
It traps us in the moment,
But it makes us think about tomorrow,
It makes us think about yesterday,
Makes us think about the person that it wants us to be,
The person that's protecting us.
The ego it makes us fake,
It makes us unreal and it captures a moment and turns it into a scene of hurt and pain.
For it's there to protect us,
It's there to support us,
This ego is so strong that it's there to lie to us.
We get these lies.
And so as I went on this camp I had to drop this ego.
I had to surrender and I had to come back to the moment and allow the moment to unfold in order as it would universally.
And so when I was there it was just this experience of magic that I've never received before in that it wasn't about the event itself,
It was about the people there and the moment there in that we all had to let go of the ego and surrender to love and abundance.
And there was one leader there who always caught us up on our smallness,
Our ego,
That story we all have inside of us,
A story that's telling us we're not good enough,
That we've got this holding and attachment to this thing and that's why we can't do this or that.
You know the story in our heads that it's got to go like this,
It's going to be like this and it's got to work like this and this is the past,
This is where I am now and I'm not going to change because of my past.
We all had to surrender and it was through this that we found love,
But in particular I found love for myself.
I found true unconditional love for myself.
And as I found this love it was like something new sparkled in me and it wasn't a deep sense of love yet,
But there was this one character,
I say character,
One human on that retreat that sparked another,
There was two actually senses of I need to surrender more,
I need to surrender even more and one was a beautiful goddess,
Angel girlfriend and she really made me aware of her love for her body and just the light she is and that when we come to the moment we just love the world and be true,
Then flow and order will follow.
And so I soon caught on to that and I soon started living in that.
But then there was this another character and I had never had a relationship before and my ego was at first like he's really good looking and hey you guys will understand when you find someone who looks amazing,
They look stunning and you want to be with them but that's the ego and then the ego starts telling you stories about you're not good enough,
You can't talk to that person,
This,
That and that ego,
I should say she caught me in my moment and it took me almost half of the retreat,
Basically over the half of the retreat,
It was almost the retreat was over for me to surrender to that ego again and let go and that is when I found unconditional love for another being.
The love that sets us free,
The love that has no barriers,
Unconditional love is a love that allows us to be free and coming home from this retreat I still didn't love myself yet,
But as I found myself going back into the flow of life,
Getting caught up in the stories,
Getting caught up in just stuff really,
Just stuff of life that's stories for me,
I found myself thinking I don't want this anymore and so in that moment I wrote to a few girlfriends,
Well a few business partners saying hey this is inkling on my heart,
This doesn't feel right,
We need to have a talk about this,
We need to talk about just what we want,
Who we are and be real with each other in that moment after sending that message,
Love poured into me and for the first time ever,
For the only time ever and from that moment I was abundant,
For I love myself,
I love my body,
I love my legs and my thighs and my boobs and I love my stomach and my back,
I love my hands and my arms and my legs that take me places,
I love my feet,
I love my soles,
I love my head,
I love my neck and my hair and I love my eyes and my lips,
I love my ears,
I freaking love my body,
The divine goddess I am,
I love my temple,
Like every day I wake up now just in love with this temple I have and I'm yet to find a way to support you guys on your journey in finding your body,
Your light and your temple because it's the most empowering thing ever and now that I've found it,
Nothing matters in my life anymore because I matter and so when I see people,
I see them through the eyes of love and when I do things,
It's through the eyes of love and when I play with my puppy,
It's like the child I am,
The child he is,
We play,
We roll,
We run,
We take off our shoes,
I take off my shoes and we run in the grass and just the goddess I am,
The child I am within is unleashing from my body as I am able to explore painting,
As I am able to explore drawing,
As I am able to dance again and sing and just be the goddess I am and you know when I'm with someone,
Share my light and be loved to them and tell them that they matter,
That they are significant because you matter,
You are significant and you are this light like nothing ever seen before and your light will shine brighter than anything you've seen before when you surrender to this moment and my biggest thing I want to do now in life is tell you that you are more than what you are right now and that there is love inside of you waiting to come free and we may be stuck in relationships,
We may be stuck in locations in the world,
We may be stuck in our jobs,
We may be stuck with our children,
We may be stuck with our family,
We may be stuck with all these attachments and they prevent us from moving forwards but truly we have to surrender to them,
We have to surrender to the world and for me I had to start asking the universe,
I don't know how but I want to learn how to surrender,
I want to learn how to love myself and I want to learn how to give back,
I want to learn how to surrender.
Breathe this in,
I want to learn how to surrender and these words are what changed everything for me because it was no longer me needing to know and it was no longer me needing to hold something,
To trust it and to believe that it would give me the answers but it opened up the pathway of me learning,
For me saying to the universe I do not know but I want to learn how to surrender and it's through the surrendering that I found love and I found the light and I don't know where this journey is going to take me now because I'm poorer than ever before and I'm more quote unquote insecure than ever before,
I'm moving houses,
I'm potentially going to stop studying,
I don't have a job and for the first time ever I'm okay with it,
I'm trusting the universe is now showing me my next step in life and my next journey and sometimes we just have to give up everything we're holding and allow the universe to speak and guide us because when we do we suddenly wake up to a message going hey I've got this opportunity for you do you want to join in and we suddenly wake up to sing and stepping outside and being in love with the rain,
We suddenly just wake up and just want to dance for no apparent reason,
You as a goddess or a king for all the men out there,
You are already enough and you've already got enough and we don't need a search,
You don't need a search but rather surrender,
So beauties,
Kings,
Goddesses,
Temples on this universe shining bright,
Honour your temple and today if there's one thing I leave you with is you are beautiful,
You are strong and you are vibrant,
There was always a way out but we need to let go of the stories and the holdings and we need to open our heart up to your universal flow and one question I would leave you with asking is universe I don't know how but I'm welcoming in your abundance,
Creativity,
Flow and love for I'm here and I'm ready to learn how to love myself,
I am ready to learn how to love myself,
I am ready to learn how to love myself,
I am ready to learn how to love myself,
I am ready to learn how to love myself and do what I want to do,
