Welcome.
Today,
We're going to do something radical.
We're going to investigate the possibility that.
.
.
Maybe you don't actually hate yourself.
I know,
It's scandalous.
Your inner critic is already filling out the appeal.
Excuse me,
Have you met me?
Yes,
That is why we're here.
So get comfortable,
Sit down,
Lie down,
Stand up if it's your thing.
Meditation is not a hostage situation.
You are allowed to have preferences.
And when you're ready,
You can close your eyes or lower your gaze or keep them open.
Take a slow breath in.
And let it out.
Again.
Slowly breathe in.
And out.
Now before we do anything else.
.
.
I'd like you to think about something that you don't like about yourself.
Maybe it's something.
That you did.
Maybe it's something that you said.
Something you haven't done.
Something about your personality.
Your body.
Your habits.
Your relationships.
Your life.
Or perhaps your brain.
Has the helpful ability.
To supply you with a 47 item list.
I understand that.
Congratulations.
Your brain has apparently prepared a presentation.
You don't need to review the slides.
Just notice one thing that you judge yourself for.
And now listen carefully.
Because I'm going to ask you a strange question.
Why do you want to be any different?
Really,
Why?
Why do you want to be kind?
Why do you want to stop hurting people?
Why do you want to stop hurting yourself?
Why do you want to be more patient?
More courageous.
More loving.
More peaceful.
Why do you care?
Because here's the weird thing.
If you genuinely had absolutely no love or compassion for yourself,
You wouldn't care what happened to you.
You wouldn't care if you became kinder.
You wouldn't care if you became healthier.
You wouldn't care if you became a better person.
You wouldn't be disappointed in yourself.
You wouldn't be thinking,
I should really do better.
You'd be thinking,
Eh.
And then you'd eat cereal directly out of the box.
No bowl,
No spoon,
Just chaos.
But that's not what you're doing.
You're trying.
Sometimes badly,
Sometimes inconsistently.
Sometimes.
With the grace of a raccoon trapped in a garbage can.
But you're trying.
And that desire to become better is important.
Because underneath.
.
.
Underneath all of that criticism.
There may be something else.
Something that you've been overlooking.
Care.
You may have mistaken your compassion for criticism.
You may have mistaken your love for disappointment.
You may have mistaken your desire to protect yourself for hatred.
Think about that.
When you say,
I hate that I keep doing this.
There's something underneath that.
You don't want to suffer.
When you say,
I hate who I've become.
Mmm.
There's something underneath that.
You want to become someone that you respect.
When you say,
I wish I could be better.
There's something underneath that.
You believe that your life is worth improving.
That's not nothing.
That's enormous.
Your inner critic may be terrible at communication sometimes.
But buried underneath all that.
All that yelling.
Deep underneath it.
As someone who desperately wants to be okay.
Unfortunately,
That person apparently chose bullying as their communication strategy.
Very healthy.
Excellent management style.
Hey you!
Yeah.
Your disappointment.
Okay.
DO BETTER!
Very efficient.
Could you maybe phrase that constructively?
No!
Very efficient.
So today we aren't going to try to destroy the inner critic.
We're not gonna fight it.
We're not gonna tell it to shut up.
Because that's just another voice in your head.
Another voice telling another voice inside of your head.
Then it sucks.
We've got enough of that.
Instead,
We're going to listen.
Take a breath.
Try to bring the mind.
That thing that you criticize yourself for.
Now ask it,
What do I wish were different?
Not what's wrong with me.
But what do I wish were different?
Notice the difference in that.
One attacks the person,
The other identifies the direction.
I wish I were more patient.
I wish I were more confident.
I wish I looked better,
Took better care of myself.
I wish I treated people more kindly.
I wish I didn't react so quickly.
I wish I trusted myself.
Whatever your answer is,
Let it be there.
Now ask yourself,
Why do I want that?
See if you can find the care underneath it.
Maybe you want to be healthier because you care about your life.
Maybe you want to be kinder because you care about other people.
Maybe you want to be more confident because you believe your voice matters.
Maybe you want to stop drinking.
Stop yelling.
Stop withdrawing.
Stop sabotaging yourself.
Stop whatever it is.
Because something inside of you.
Somewhere inside of you.
There's a part of you saying,
I want to be better for us.
Not,
I want to punish us.
I want better for us.
That's compassion.
It just may be wearing a really ugly costume at the moment.
So here's where things get practical.
Because we're not going to sit here.
Think in love and thoughts.
And then declare ourselves enlightened.
We're going to practice.
Because self-love is not a primary feeling.
It is a behavior.
You do not have to feel loving towards yourself.
To act lovingly towards yourself.
That's the trick.
You can do the loving thing while your brain is standing in the corner going,
This is stupid.
That's okay.
Let the brain do brain things.
Meanwhile,
You can act.
So bring to mind one small thing that you could do today.
That would communicate.
I care about you.
Not something enormous.
Not tomorrow I become a completely new person.
Please don't.
We've tried that.
It's exhausting.
Pick something small.
Drink some water.
Take a walk.
Apologize.
Rest.
Eat something nourishing.
Clean one disgusting corner of your house.
Call somebody.
Put your phone down.
Go outside.
Meditate for five minutes.
Say no to something that you don't want to do.
Say yes to something that matters to you.
Whatever it is,
Just choose one.
Now imagine yourself doing it.
And notice,
You don't have to feel loving.
You don't have to feel inspired.
You don't have to feel worthy.
You simply have to perform the action.
Because sometimes the action comes first.
The feeling catches up later.
You brush your teeth before you feel passionately about dental hygiene.
You put on a seatbelt before you appeal for profound affection for your spleen.
You lock the door because you care about your stuff.
Even though the stuff has never once thanked you for it.
You can do the same thing with yourself.
You can behave as though you matter until eventually your nervous system starts getting the message.
I guess we take care of ourselves now.
Apparently.
Is this permanent?
We'll see!
Now let's expand this.
Think of someone that you love.
Someone that you naturally feel compassion towards.
Maybe it's your partner.
You child.
Your friend,
Dog,
Cat.
Favorite person.
Some people's favorite people are dogs.
Notice how easy it is.
Notice how easy it is to want good things for them.
You want them to be safe.
Healthy.
Happy.
You want them to grow.
You want them to learn.
You want them to stop making the same mistakes.
But when they mess up,
You probably don't think.
Excellent.
I have discovered evidence that you are fundamentally worthless.
At least I hope not.
If you do,
Perhaps don't tell them that.
Instead you might say,
Hey,
You screwed up.
Let's figure out what happened.
Let's do better next time.
That's compassion.
And now,
Try giving yourself the same sentence.
Not everything I do is wonderful.
That's a participation trophy for bad decisions.
Compassion Can Say.
That wasn't OK.
And also you are still worthy of care.
Both can be true.
You can hold yourself accountable without becoming your executioner.
You can want to change without hating the person who needs to change.
Take a slow breath.
And silently repeat.
I can want better for myself.
Without believing I am bad.
Again.
I can want better for myself without believing I am bad.
And one more time.
I can want better for myself because I care about myself.
Let that sink in.
Maybe your self-loathing isn't proof that you have no compassion.
Maybe some of it is compassion that hasn't learned how to speak kindly yet.
Maybe you don't need to manufacture love from scratch.
Maybe you need to practice expressing the love that you already have there.
And that practice can begin with something incredibly ordinary,
An action.
One small action.
Not because you finally became worthy.
Not because you've finally fixed yourself,
But because you're already worthy of taking care of yourself.
You're already worth it.
Take another slow breath.
And notice your body sitting here.
Your heart beating.
Your lungs breathing.
Your strange little collection of bones and organs and memories somehow still here.
You don't have to be impressed.
You don't have to be grateful.
Just notice that you're here.
And perhaps for today,
That's enough.
Now imagine tomorrow morning.
You wake up.
Instead of immediately asking,
What is wrong with me?
You ask,
What would taking care of myself look like today?
Maybe it's something tiny.
Maybe it's something difficult.
Maybe it's doing something that you've been avoiding.
Or giving yourself some rest.
Maybe it's treating another person with happiness and kindness.
Maybe it's finally admitting.
I need help with this.
Whatever it is,
Do it.
Let the action speak.
Because you don't have to wait until you love yourself.
To start treating yourself.
Like someone you love.
In fact,
You may discover.
That is how self-love actually develops.
That's how it was for me.
You practice it,
You perform it,
You repeat it.
And slowly.
Your mind catches up.
Maybe one day the intercredit says,
You're doing it wrong.
And you say,
Thank you for your feedback.
And continue walking.
Maybe it says,
You're still not enough.
And you say,
Maybe.
But I'm taking care of myself anyway.
Maybe it says,
You haven't changed enough.
And you say,
I'm changing.
One action at a time.
One choice at a time.
One ridiculously ordinary act of kindness at a time.
And eventually you may realize something.
You were never completely empty of love.
You were just very bad at recognizing what love looked like.
When it came to you.
So today,
Let's stop demanding.
Stop demanding that you feel loving.
Instead,
Practice being loving.
Do one thing.
Than another.
And another.
Because sometimes the heart doesn't lead,
Sometimes the hands lead the heart.
You act with compassion,
And eventually compassion becomes familiar.
You act with kindness,
And eventually kindness becomes natural.
You act with respect.
And eventually you begin to believe you deserve respect.
Not because you convinced yourself with positive affirmations.
But because you've been showing yourself every single day.
That you care.
Take one final slow breath in.
And let it go.
Another before you leave.
Remember,
You don't have to stop wanting to be better.
You don't have to stop holding yourself accountable.
You don't have to pretend that everything's fine.
Just stop using hatred.
Stop using hatred as the price of admission for change.
You can grow because you care.
You can change because you care.
You can become kinder because you care.
And maybe.
.
.
Just maybe the fact that you want something better for yourself.
Is one of the first pieces of evidence.
That you've always been carrying love for yourself,
This whole time.
Congratulations.
Turns out even your inner demon might be trying to help you.
It just desperately needs a communication seminar.
Take your time.
When you're ready,
You can open your eyes.
And go do one small loving thing for yourself.
Not tomorrow.
Not when you feel like it.
Not when you're fixed.
Because you're already here.
When you're already worth the effort.
Namaste.
