Setting Boundaries When You Can't Stop Saying Yes

00:30

11:41

Setting Boundaries When You Can't Stop Saying Yes

by Michelle Farris

Rated

5

Type

talks

Activity

Meditation

Suitable for

Everyone

Plays

7

In this video, I explain important signs that tell you when someone is pushing your boundaries. Then we talk about what you can do to set better boundaries. What to say and how to do this without feeling bad or caving. Learn how to set healthy boundaries and the importance of following through to protect your time and energy.

Boundary Awareness Self Coaching Practice Boundaries Self Care Emotional Resilience Codependency Boundary Setting

Meet your Teacher

Michelle Farris

San Jose, CA, USA

Meet your Teacher

Michelle Farris

San Jose, CA, USA

Transcript

So you finally set a boundary but the other person pushes back and you end up caving because you don't know what to do. That's what we're talking about is what you can do when somebody violates your boundaries or pushes back. If you're new, My name is Michelle Ferris. I'm a psychotherapist and I love helping people create relationships that work. So, Boundaries are super important in any relationship, But when somebody pushes back, Often it takes us by surprise and you probably don't know what to do. But in this video, You're going to learn why that happens and what you can do differently to make sure it doesn't. So, The first thing you need to do is know how to set a proper boundary because so many times people come to me with questions about boundaries because it isn't a simple process. You need to identify what your boundary is. And sometimes people get confused because they make the boundary about something they can't control. For a boundary to be healthy and to work, It has to be about you, What your choices are going to be, What you decide to do to remove yourself or not participate in a certain behavior. Once you're clear on what that boundary is, It's much easier to do step two and three. So the next step is you need to communicate your boundary clearly. So for instance, If you're in an argument with your partner and they tend to yell at you, A clear boundary might say, You know, I notice when we get into arguments, If either one of us starts to yell, I'm going to leave the room and take a break. That tells your partner exactly what your boundary is. And what's really great about it is you're not making them change their behavior. Setting your boundary is about telling your partner what you're going to do differently, Not getting them to change because that's more of a request or an ultimatum depending on how you say it. Now, The third part is what this video is about is the follow-through. So, An example of this might be say you are in a heated argument with your partner and both of you start yelling. You've already set the boundary. You've already communicated it. Now, You got to follow through. So, The minute you notice that the argument isn't going well, You leave the room. You don't negotiate the boundary. You don't try to get to stop yelling at you, You follow through. And even though I know that sounds simple, It's not. And to be fair, It's not easy to follow through. And that's why I'm doing this video. So how do you know when somebody is pushing your boundaries? This is super important because sometimes we don't know. The first way somebody is going to push back or dismiss your boundary, They're going to ignore what you just said. They're going to keep right on doing the same behavior, Even though you've already tried to set a boundary. You might have said something like, I really need this conversation to stop. They keep talking as if you never said anything. And this one is really frustrating because you feel disrespected. They're literally just dismissing what you just said, Almost as if they haven't heard it. Another example of someone pushing back on boundaries is they get really defensive. So instead of listening to your boundary, They make it all about what you're doing wrong, And they get super defensive. Defensive and angry because they want to take the focus off of their behavior to avoid accountability. And the easiest way to do that is to get defensive and focus on what you're doing wrong. And this one is super easy, Especially if you're codependent, To fall for. Because if somebody's talking about what I'm doing wrong, The first question I'm going to do is ask myself, Well, Am I doing that? Because I'm willing to look inward. But that's the trap. When you've set a boundary somebody has this big reaction, That should be a red flag to you that something isn't right and it's not the boundary. As long as your boundary isn't about controlling or manipulating the other person, You're good. And that's why the first step of identifying your boundary is super important, Because this is really an important part of relationship. We can't have healthy relationships if we're not setting good boundaries. So the third example of when somebody pushes back on your boundaries is when they use guilt trips. So they make you feel bad for setting the boundary. They might say, Oh my gosh, You're being so selfish right now. I can't believe you have the nerve to ask me that. Have a right to set whatever boundary you need to do, Especially again, If it's about what your choices are, Not making the other person change their behavior. But what the guilt does is it suddenly stops us in our tracks and makes us start to help and manage their emotions and take care of them. And it gets the focus off of what you initially need, Which is that boundary to be respected. So say you've already asked them to help pick up around the house and they've already agreed to it. Following through by reminding them, Hey you know what we really need to get on this right now and they roll their eyes at you and make a snide remark. That's an example of them trying to get out of the boundary by making you feel bad like it's your problem. So what do you do when somebody actually pushes back on your boundary? So the first thing is know that this is pretty normal especially when you're first starting out setting boundaries because if you're like me the people in your life are used to you saying yes all the time and being ultra available. So when we start setting boundaries and saying no, The other person is most likely going to be surprised. And that's part of the process. That's totally normal. But that doesn't mean you're wrong for setting the boundary. It just means that there's going to be a period of adjustment in your relationships, Especially to the people who tend to be boundary busters and push on your boundaries really hard because they want their way. Going to be more challenging with and it may take longer for them to understand that you're serious and that you are willing to follow through now on your boundary. The other thing I want to say is remember that sometimes people ask questions that doesn't necessarily mean they're pushing back on your boundary because in the beginning if your boundary isn't clear the other person might come back with a lot of questions and it might feel overwhelming because it can be scary at first to actually take that risk and set a boundary But I want you to remember that if they are asking questions, They're most likely clarifying questions and that too is part of the process. Because one of the things that's going to help you do is to clarify exactly what your boundary is. Because the clearer you make it, The harder it's going to be for the other person to ask a lot of questions because they're going to know exactly what you need. So for example, Say you're on the phone with a family member who talks too much. You may say in the beginning of the call, Hey, You know what, I have 15 minutes and then I gotta go. 15 minutes comes and you have to follow through. That's the part where you're going to have to actually let them know, Hey, You know what? I got to interrupt you. I got to go. I'll see you later. Bye. And you physically hang up the phone. That's what I mean by following through. But notice how clear that boundary is. In 15 minutes, I'm going to have to go and get off the phone. That is super clear. Part of the boundary process, Too, Is getting clearer and clearer on what those are for you. And it's a process. You're not going to do it perfectly the first time. Nobody does. Now, Another thing you can do is say less, Not more when somebody is pushing on your boundaries. Because part of the temptation is now we need to explain ourselves and justify our position and why we're setting the boundary. And the problem is, Is that the boundary isn't negotiable. This is something that you're doing to take care of yourself. The other person can have their feelings about it, But that shouldn't dissuade you from following through. Because again, When the boundary is about you, Sure, It may impact the other person, But the more you explain, The more you create room for negotiation, And I don't want that for you. A limit is not an argument to be won. It's saying something like, This is what I need to take care of myself. No explanation, No letting them know why the boundary is important because most of the time, The other person probably already knows that your boundary is important to you because it's probably come up in other scenarios. So, The shorter the better. We want the other person to understand exactly what your boundary is and you don't need to justify it. When we do that, That kind of creates an argument, And we don't want to do that. So another thing I want you to do is disengage from their debate because they might be trying to convince you not to do what you need to do to take care of yourself. You come up with a broken record statement. It's a clear one sentence or two sentence statement that you say repeatedly to set your boundary. If they want to debate you, If they want to convince you not to have your boundary, Just be quiet and let them talk. And at some point, You might just say, I understand this is hard for you, But this is what I need to do to take care of myself. We don't have to be mean when we're setting boundaries. Now the last piece is you need to find a way to follow through. This is the hardest part because we have to stop that internal dialogue that says, Oh my gosh, What if they're upset or I feel guilty, Because you have a right to set this boundary. And again, If the boundary is about something you're going to do, It's going to be much easier to follow through on. But you also have to remind yourself that somebody else's Reaction is more about them than it is about you and the boundary if somebody has a negative reaction That doesn't mean the boundary is wrong Especially if you know that it's not about trying to get somebody else to change their behavior Then if the boundaries about you, You know, You're clean It's really the other person that needs to work through their emotions about that and the one thing you can do is to validate Yeah, I know this is hard because this is a new behavior for me, Too And I know this might be a little upsetting setting it first, But I really need to do this to take care of myself. That can be one way to include the other person in your process. To just own that, You know what, I'm practicing this. I'm really needing to start setting boundaries in my life so that I can get back my personal time and my energy. You don't need to say anything about them. Just make it simple about why you're setting the boundary so that you can preserve your time and your energy. Because essentially, Every boundary goes back to that. So the other thing I want to talk about is when you find yourself caving in, It can feel like relief because it stops the other person's upset. They immediately get what they want. And the moment you do that, You're putting their well-being over your own. And that's not healthy. You might be thinking, Well, You know what? It's not worth it. I just want to keep the peace. And you can choose to do that. But over time, What's the price you're going to be paying for that? My guess is resentment. Separation, Not feeling close to that person anymore, Feeling more invisible. That's the dilemma of codependent people, Of not setting healthy boundaries, Is that you lose yourself in that process, And I don't want that for you. Thanks so much.