If you're in a relationship with a covert narcissist and you feel a little crazy,
This video is for you because I'm going to talk about how codependency and covert narcissism go together and how you can start using detachment to save your sanity.
But if you're new,
My name is Michelle Ferris.
I'm a psychotherapist and I love helping people create relationships that work.
So what does covert narcissism actually look like?
Because when most people think of narcissism,
They think of the person that is loud,
Arrogant,
Dominates the conversation,
Has no empathy.
But covert narcissism looks completely different,
And that's why most of us miss it.
A covert narcissist seems quiet,
A little sensitive,
Wounded even.
They come across as feeling completely misunderstood,
As if they've been treated unfairly.
They might have a lot of stories of how other people have hurt them,
And they just need the right person to finally understand them.
And they're going to come from a victim mentality,
Where it's all about what's been done to them.
A covert narcissist is very good at making you question your reality.
And this is where the codependency comes in,
Because when you're wired more towards codependency,
You already have a lot of self-doubt,
Which ends up feeding them in this dynamic.
Because the self-doubt that you have goes along with them wanting to control you,
And purposely making you doubt yourself,
So that the covert narcissist gets their way,
But they do it in a very subtle way that a lot of people miss.
So for instance,
If you bring up something that hurt you,
You find that you end up being the one to apologize and you have no idea how you got there because they convince you in a very subtle way that you're at fault for what happened,
Not them.
If this sounds familiar,
Say me too in the comments.
You're in the right place.
Another reason why codependency and covert narcissism go together is that people who struggle with codependency are hardwired to care,
To fix,
To contribute in their relationships more than they actually should because this is how they over function in relationships.
You might be really good at picking up other people's feelings and the covert narcissist is really good at making you responsible for their own pain.
So you try harder,
You give more,
You start doing backflips in this kind of relationship.
You might tell yourself,
If only I get it right,
Everything will be fine.
They will love me and we're going to have a great relationship.
But I got to keep trying as if it's your responsibility to fix the covert narcissist.
And let's face it,
It's not.
The whole relationship revolves around their needs and what their pain is,
Because a narcissist can't tolerate the other person having needs.
Until one day you realize,
Oh my God,
I have completely disappeared in this relationship.
I can't ask for what I want.
The entire relationship is about them and I feel invisible.
If that's what you're saying to yourself,
You're in the right place.
Detachment is gonna be your first line of defense so that you can get some sanity back.
Because you're trying so hard in this relationship,
You find yourself exhausted and having a lot of hidden resentment and anger,
But you don't feel safe enough to express that anger.
And this is super important because if you don't have your emotions and you can't express anger safely,
Then it's gonna go underground.
Because when people ignore their emotions,
They get bigger and they leak out in destructive ways.
Because part of being in a narcissistic relationship is being able to manage your own feelings and not stuff them for the sake of the other person.
You need to find a safe way to have your emotions probably away from them so that you can stay safe.
So why is detachment so hard with a covert narcissist?
When you love a covert narcissist and you struggle with codependency,
There's most likely a trauma bond that's formed between you.
And this is very different than regular attachment.
This is a cycle of abuse where they love bomb you one minute and then they withdraw and punish you in the next.
But the positive reinforcement is just enough to keep you hooked.
Because there's intensity,
There's hurt,
And then there's apology or repair.
This is a very toxic,
Stressful relationship to be in,
But you can't let go because your nervous system is deeply attached,
And the covert narcissist is going to make you responsible for their well-being.
It's your job to take care of them,
And if you don't,
They're going to get back at you in some subtle way that's going to make you feel crazy because there's a lot of gaslighting in these relationships.
So how does detachment help?
Detachment is letting them have their own experience without trying to change or fix it.
It also allows you to step back and remove yourself when they're becoming abusive.
Because we don't want to stay and be in an abusive conversation.
We always want to step out and vote with our feet.
And you can do that without saying a word.
Detachment doesn't require a confrontation or even saying anything.
And that's why I think it's your first line of defense with a covert narcissist.
Because you need to stay safe at all times.
And detachment can be a way to do that.
So here are some general ways to start detaching.
The first is you need to understand that detachment doesn't mean you stop caring about the other person.
So many of my clients get stuck here where they say,
Well,
Doesn't that mean I'm being cold and I'm not there for them anymore?
No,
You can absolutely still choose to be in relationship with them,
But there are going to be certain times when it's better for you to detach.
And here's a few examples.
One might be maybe they come home and they're in a really nasty mood and you know,
They're gonna take it out on you.
That's when you might excuse yourself.
You might leave the room.
Now at first if it's obvious that they're really upset,
You could give them a validating statement saying something like,
It sounds like you had a really bad day.
I'm sorry that happened.
Now the problem with that is that they're going to feed on that.
So at some point after that validation statement,
You're probably going to need to excuse yourself because opening that can of worms can be really tricky.
If you can detach in silence without getting into a conversation with them,
That's probably best.
But if you feel like you have to say something,
Using validation can be a way that you still feel good about yourself because you're not being cold,
But you're also not engaging in an hour-long discussion with them that isn't going to go anywhere.
The next thing I want you to do is I want you to detach in your mind first.
I want you to visualize separating your energy from theirs.
So one way to do it is to imagine a bubble that completely protects you or a wall between you and the covert narcissist.
And I want you to imagine whatever they say or do is bouncing off that wall instead of going right into your heart.
Because we want to practice emotional detachment too.
And that means letting whatever they say bounce off of you.
Because their mistreatment of you is more about them.
It's not about you.
You did nothing wrong.
But that's part of what the covert narcissist does to hook us.
They want us to believe that it's our fault because that's how we stay engaged.
And that's how we stay powerless in that kind of relationship.
But instead,
When you're in the same room with them,
Practice that wall or that bubble protecting you.
And just notice what it feels like to have some psychic protection at that moment,
Because that is the first way you can detach.
And you don't share this with them.
This is just your own process.
Now,
Eventually,
You're going to want to physically detach too.
And this might mean not standing as close to them,
Making sure that you're on the other side of the room,
So that their energy is easier for you to detach from.
The next thing I want you to do is I want you to decide when you actually need to physically detach and leave the room.
So for instance,
When they're in a bad mood,
When you're in a bad mood and expecting them to be more than they are,
Maybe there's certain subjects like your kids,
Anything you disagree about,
Your in-laws,
Whatever those hot topics are,
That may be a sign for you to detach because you know that you're just going to have a futile argument and it's not going to go anywhere.
That's when I really want you to vote with your feet.
And you can say something like,
You know,
This conversation isn't going very well.
I need to take a break.
And then you got to remove yourself.
Sometimes actually verbalizing your boundary is a little scary at first.
So I want you to work up to that.
So here's what detachment might look like.
Say your covert narcissist comes home and they start finding fault in you.
Just notice that.
Notice that that's what they're doing.
And the other thing I want you to do is label it.
I did this in another video with narcissistic behavior where I want you to label their behavior the tornado,
The avalanche,
The silent scorn.
Whatever it is,
To name it because that also is going to help you realize,
Oh yeah,
This is a narcissistic behavior.
I need to step out because when we don't recognize it as a narcissistic behavior,
We start to go down the rabbit hole with them and I don't want you to do that.
Now,
The good news about detachment is that it gets easier with practice.
But again,
The first time I want you to do it,
Do it silently.
Don't put words to it.
Just do something more to take care of yourself,
Like putting up that psychic barrier.
Stepping back and making sure you're not standing too close to them.
Leaving the room if you know that the tension is too high.
Little things like that can go a long way to get your sanity back.
Because when we stay in the covert narcissist orbit too long,
When they're in a funky mood,
It doesn't go well.
You end up losing your cool and your own sanity,
And I don't want that for you.
Thanks so much.
