So in this video,
I'm going to show you a very simple way to avoid resentment by using detachment.
Because one of the biggest reasons we get stuck in resentment is because once we get activated emotionally,
It's really hard to let go.
And that's what detachment is going to help you do.
But first,
My name is Michelle.
I'm a psychotherapist and I love helping people create relationships that work.
So detachment is the ability to let go of what doesn't belong to you.
It's really about creating a pause before you get emotionally activated.
It helps you step back from the situation instead of automatically reacting to it.
And this is especially important when we're dealing with resentment,
Right?
Because when something hurts us and we don't handle it directly,
It becomes resentment.
And I don't want that for you.
So when somebody hurts your feelings,
It's easy to assume the worst,
Like they did this purposely or they don't like me.
But those are assumptions.
You might expect them to know that they've hurt you.
But when we don't say anything,
Often the other person has no idea.
So you expect them to change or seek you out.
But they don't and that's how the resentment gets worse.
So today I'm going to give you four practical ways to use detachment to avoid resentment.
So the first one is get the focus off of them because what happens when we get resentful is we immediately hyper focus on what was done to us and we start ruminating about it and replaying that conversation in our head because the more we obsess about what somebody did to us the more resentful we're going to feel.
You may have a valid reason for being hurt,
When we hyper-focus on what they did to us,
We're only increasing our own agitation.
I know for me,
Every time I do this,
I have to catch myself not hyper-focusing on the other person.
Because when we get our focus off of that other person,
That's the solution.
And that's a way to practice healthy detachment.
So instead of focusing on what they did to you,
Bring the focus back and start asking yourself questions.
What do you need now to take care of yourself?
Do you need to do some journaling?
Is there something you need to say to set a boundary or let them know how you feel?
And detachment doesn't mean that what they did was okay.
It means you've stopped focusing on getting them to change,
Especially when you haven't communicated it.
Because in resentment,
Remember,
It's a hidden hurt.
We're not communicating that directly.
So often they have no idea that we're struggling.
So instead,
You're going to focus on the solution.
What do you need to do to take care of yourself?
Now,
Another way to practice detachment to avoid resentment is to stop taking their behavior personally.
So many people get stuck in this where somebody says something hurtful and we immediately assign either meaning or intent to it.
For instance,
Somebody said something hurtful to me and I immediately think,
Oh my God,
They don't like me or they are purposely trying to make me feel bad.
When I go down that rabbit hole of negative thinking,
I am fueling my own resentment.
Because those thoughts are negative assumptions,
And that's what we all do when we're hurt.
We assign meaning to what that other person has done.
But truth be told,
We don't know what their intention is.
Even if you know somebody really well,
You can't predict what's in their heart.
Because when people behave badly,
It's usually for two reasons.
One,
They either lack the skill,
Or two,
They lack empathy,
Which means they don't really care about your feelings.
Are about their limitations.
Maybe they had a bad day.
Maybe they're selfish people.
Maybe they actually were trying to be funny and it came out wrong.
There can be a million different reasons why somebody said what they said to you.
But if we don't check it out,
We're never gonna know.
And often this is the easiest way to avoid resentment is to just check it out and say,
Hey,
Can you help me understand what you meant by that?
That's also a way to detach because you're stepping back and you're not assuming the worst.
You're just asking,
Hey,
Can you help me understand what you meant by that because that felt hurtful,
Or that felt like you were judging me.
Then the other person has a chance to say,
Oh my God,
That's not what I meant at all.
And you can clear it up pretty quickly that way.
It's also not our job to try to control somebody else's behavior.
You can want somebody to change,
You can hope for somebody to change,
But you can't make somebody change.
If the person tends to be hurtful,
That's really good information for you because it tells you more about who they are,
Not about who you are.
It's really important to make that distinction so that you don't take their behavior personally.
And it's a really powerful way to detach from what they're doing.
For a deeper dive,
I would also check out my audio course on how to heal resentments because that's going to help walk you through my five-step process.
The next way to practice detachment to avoid resentment is be willing to change the story.
And that means we have to be willing to change that negative victim story that we all tend to create when we have a resentment.
So for instance,
A lot of times when we're resentful,
We end up having to tell that story over and over again because we haven't faced that person directly.
We look for other ways to get that validation.
Let's face it,
This is human behavior,
We all have done it,
But every time you tell story,
It gains steam and momentum.
And often it becomes even more negative.
And you're also creating your own fight-flight-freeze stress response by telling that story.
But the reason we do that is because we want that person to validate our hurt.
Oh my god,
That was so painful.
I'm so sorry that happened to you.
Because that validation is what's missing.
Because instead of being able to handle that situation directly with that other person,
We choose to get our validation met in our friends and family.
And that doesn't necessarily solve the resentment.
In fact,
Often it makes it worse.
The other reason we seek out validation from others is that we need to process it.
And if we're afraid of conflict,
That's going to be the easier route to take.
Another reason we seek out other people instead of going to the person we resent is that we want sympathy.
We want somebody to hear that we're really hurting.
And telling our victim's story is the easiest way to get that.
And since we're getting a lot of attention from telling our victim story,
It makes it much harder to give up because we get attached to it.
But there's a difference between processing your feelings and using your story to keep you stuck.
Let me give you a personal example.
I used to tell my victim story about a family member that didn't treat me well growing up and I told this story over and over again in my recovery program until I finally got to the point where I was doing my fourth step and I realized my part.
And my part changed that story because the abuse or the mistreatment had long since stopped.
But I was acting as if they were still treating me badly and they weren't.
And that's the piece that shifted the resentment for me.
You need to find ways to change that story.
And part of how we do that is to look at our part.
And that doesn't mean what happened to us was okay.
It wasn't.
But often we've become so attached to our victim's story that we don't see the part we played.
And that's the part that can change the story.
I had to be willing to look at my part in why we didn't have a relationship as adults.
I had an opportunity to have a relationship with that family member,
And I'm so glad I did that.
And that's what I want for you.
The next way to practice detachment to avoid resentment is to look at your expectations.
And what I mean by that is,
Are you expecting that other person to be different than who they really are?
Are you expecting them to treat you respectfully when they really never have?
Because if you're expecting someone else to be like you,
To give like you,
You're gonna be in a lot of resentment.
But this is the fastest way out because when you have realistic expectations,
That's also a way to detach because you're looking at them through a new lens.
You're looking at them by saying to yourself,
You know what,
This person isn't capable of empathy or this person doesn't do any personal growth.
And they don't believe in saying they're sorry.
That is gonna help you moving forward because when you know what that other person is capable of and what they're not capable of,
You can decide if you want them to be in your inner circle or it's not safe because that is how detachment helps you avoid resentment,
By realistically looking at that relationship for what it is,
Not what you hope it to be.
And this is really hard,
Especially if you're talking about your partner or a family member,
But detachment Detachment is going to help you heal faster than anything else when it comes to resentment.
But that's why these tips are going to be so helpful.
Because the more you can learn how to detach and not make it about you and not personalize their behavior to mean something's wrong with you,
The more you're going to be free to do your healing,
To choose healthier people,
To minimize contact if that's what you need to do.
Because relationships are all about being honest with ourselves.
We need to ask ourselves,
How healthy is this relationship really?
Now,
The next step I want you to do is go get my audio course that will take you through my five steps to healing resentment.
Thanks so much.
