How do you get out of a codependent relationship?
That's what we're gonna talk about today.
But first,
My name's Michelle Ferris.
I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist,
And I love helping people create relationships that work.
So basically a codependent relationship is based on an unhealthy dependency.
It's that you complete me feeling where we look to other people for our happiness,
For our worth,
To make decisions for us.
There's a variety of different things that happen when we become too dependent on somebody.
So the other thing when it comes to codependent relationships is that they're really hard to end.
Most codependent people,
Myself included,
Don't wanna let go.
So the whole process of even looking at this issue takes a lot of courage,
Which is why my suggestions are gonna be indirect.
They're not gonna be directly,
How do you get out of a relationship?
They're gonna be indirect things you can do to slowly back up,
Because unless you're really ready to let go,
You're probably facing some resistance,
And I totally get that.
Cultivating other relationships.
So what codependent people do is they tend to put all their emotional eggs into one person's basket.
They get super dependent,
Super reliant,
And they lose themselves in the process.
But what usually happens that helps is they have other relationships and people that they know around them,
But they're not really paying much attention to them.
So what I want you to do is I want you to start redirecting some of your energy towards those other people.
These might be people you know at work or at church or just some acquaintances that you've just never really cultivated on a deeper level because you're more consumed or focused on your codependent relationship,
Okay?
Now what that's going to do is that's going to give you some new information about what relationships could look like if they're healthier.
Because that's part of backing up here is to see if you can cultivate any other kind of relationships to sort of spread yourself out a little bit and not focus so much on the one person or the certain types of people that you get into relationship with.
I want you to start distancing yourself from them.
And what I mean by that is don't initiate contact as often.
When they call or text you,
Wait a bit before responding.
Now,
For somebody who's codependent,
That's a big ask.
So I'm not saying wait a week,
You know,
That's gonna be way too long.
But if you automatically respond in seconds,
Wait 30 minutes,
Wait an hour.
See if you can create some kind of pause between you and them,
Okay?
Because sometimes letting go can happen in microseconds,
A gradual process.
That's a little bit more tolerable than cutting the cord immediately.
Because I know that most codependent people I know really resist letting go.
So I just want you to practice different ways to distance yourself.
Again,
If you want to call them for support,
Try calling somebody else first.
And just see if you can get some other relationships going.
Now the third one is I want you to start finding healthy ways to comfort yourself and find joy.
Part of what happens in codependent relationships is that we focus our joy on that other person,
Whether it's our mate,
Our child,
Our parent,
Our friend,
We get hyper-focused on them providing us joy.
And that is really dangerous because what happens when the relationship isn't going well?
Or what happens when they're out of town?
Or they're in a bad mood or they're mad at you?
Then you feel inside like you're crumbling and I don't want that for you.
What I want is for you to start thinking about what are some things that make you feel happy?
These could be hobbies,
These could be getting involved in the community,
This could be self-care practices,
Maybe you take up yoga,
You start finding comforting activities like knitting or anything where it makes you feel joy.
One of mine is going to the movies,
And the last year and a half I haven't been able to do that.
But I've cultivated other things to do,
Like I watch Netflix.
I wake up every morning with a routine,
And that helps me feel centered and happy with myself.
I get my coffee,
I read my meditation books.
Little things like that add up,
Because if you know how to make yourself happy,
That dependency on somebody else making you happy is gonna get a lot less,
And that's really exciting.
That's when you know you're in relationship recovery.
And for me,
Relationship recovery is going from relationships that tax you and make you feel bad about yourself or make you feel overwhelmed and ungrounded to relationships that really work,
Okay?
Now,
The other part is I want you to look at how you can assess your relationship.
Because part of what people need to do when they're codependent is they need to figure out how healthy is their relationship.
So again,
The three ways you can start to get out of a codependent relationship are start cultivating other relationships,
Start distancing yourself just a bit more and more with practice.
And find healthy comforts or things that make you feel good and joyful,
Okay?
I hope this has helped.
I'm really happy to be here with you today.
I love talking about codependency recovery because it works.
All right,
Thanks so much.
